Season 3, Episode 9: Common Criminal
Recap by Filbertfox
Well...no Helen and Nikki this week, but who gives a shit?? YVONNE'S
Questions for this week...
1. Did Denny and Shell make it to Spain, or did they get eaten alive by
their dreadful wigs?
2. What will happen to Crystal, and will Josh forgive her...or will Di
manage to screw things up for them first?
3. Will Bobby now start to market his own brand of barbecue sauce?
4. Why do I do this to myself every week?
So...I'm just gonna crack open a can of '1664' and get stuck in straight
Another new inmate arrives and as usual, we get the obligatory shot of
the meat wagon driving through the gates...there's something afoot this
week though because the press are out in force, does this mean we have a
celebrity??? Amongst the paparazzi, we get a shot of a woman with a very
reflective look on her face....it's odds on that she'll be back to cause
Amongst the normal dodgy looking lags is a woman who looks like she's
just stepped out of 'Hello' magazine...this is Charlotte
Myddleton...sorry, the Hon Charlotte Myddleton no less (for those peeps
who aren't familiar with our strange British ways, an 'Hon' is the son
or daughter of a person with one of the lower ranked aristocratic
titles, usually a Lord or a Baron)...anyway, before she is shown into
reception to be processed, we are finally introduced to Mark Waddle, the Larkhall stud-muffin...i.e. the man who manages to keep Gina Rossi at
simmering point...Brits will recognise him as Steve Marchant from 'Emmerdale',
Kim Tate's husband, non-Brits might want to note that Kim Tate was
played by none other than one of the most shaggable woman in England -
So...it seems that Mark has pulled reception duty, and so has Gina, who
is by the way, extremely pleased to see him...we can tell that by the
way she pulls him in for a sneaky snog and makes a grab for his
gonads...he pulls away just as the inmates arrive for processing and
takes more than a passing interest in Charlotte...Gina of course notices
this and looks like she's going to erupt like Etna...but of course, this
is Charlotte's fault for tempting the poor fallible bloke...oops, looks
like superscrew has a weakness after all - pathological jealousy!!
Charlotte is the first to be processed, it's unfortunate, because Gina
has a face like a pit-bull chewing a wasp and Charlotte does nothing to
help herself by the way she looks down her nose at Gina like she's
something particularly nasty she's just trodden in...Charlotte doesn't
exactly enjoy being questioned like a common criminal and gives Gina the
excuse she's been waiting for...
Charlotte : Look, is all this really necessary?
Gina : Just answer the questions sweetheart!
Charlotte : I beg your pardon!
Gina : We only put the red carpet out for your sort when you're opening
prisons, not entering 'em
Charlotte : What's your name?
Gina : (Holds out ID badge) Can't you read?
Mark calls Gina off and then goes on to tell Charlotte that he'll try
his best to arrange access to a telephone for her...this pisses Gina off
no end and she favours Charlotte with an evil look of Di Barker
It's briefing time in the officers' room and Karen is looking rather
marvellous in a plum coloured suit. She makes the announcement that
Crystaaaaal's on her way back after being caught with a stash of drugs
and for harbouring Shell and Denny...Di Barker, of course, takes the
news with a glint in her eye, and, to add insult to injury, is appointed
as Crystal's personal officer. Karen also tells the others about
Charlotte...it turns out that her father's chauffeur found a wrap of
coke in the car after she'd been driving it and her father, scared of it
leaking out to the press, decided to turn her into the Police...she was
sentenced to 12 months for possession with intent to supply...Karen is
concerned about Charlotte not fitting in (Blimey! Talk about stating the
bleedin' obvious!) and asks the other officers to keep an eye on her.
Just have to say...these briefing sessions in the officers' room are
getting more and more like something out of 'Hill Street Blues' every
week...before we realise it, Karen will be dating 17 year old
prostitutes and telling her screws to 'be careful out there'!
Out on the wing, Charlotte is assigned to the 4-bed dorm and...Whoa!!
Hold it there for a sec...if Karen's so concerned about Charlotte
fitting in, why assign her to the same cell as Buki and Shaz??? Bit like
putting a ickle bunny wabbit in a cage with a pack of hungry Rottweilers
isn't it?? Would've thought that the ideal place to stick her would be
in with Babs...but, no doubt there's a good plot reason for this...or
all that snogging with Fenner is draining away what's left of Karen's
common sense. So...Charlotte takes immediate exception to the dorm and
is aghast when she finds out that she has to share a toilet...Gina of
course, takes the opportunity to stick the boot in...
Charlotte : Four of us share that?
Gina : And you make your own bed...the girls'll show ya...I don't
suppose you know how.
Charlotte : You don't know anything about me!
Gina : No? Well I'm learning!
Fenner calls Gina off this time and if this had been series one, no
doubt he'd be offering to make things a bit easier for her in exchange
for the odd blow-job, but he's learnt his lesson now, and anyway, Shaz
and Buki arrive almost immediately and the moment is lost...
Buki : Oh we 'aven't! We've got the posh!
Shaz : Brilliant!
Oh dear...Buki's obviously moved bunks since Denny's departure and
Charlotte is consigned to the bunk of doom...der der DER!!! Anyway,
Buki's straight in with the obvious question and asks Charlotte if she's
brought any gear in, Charlotte replies in the negative and Buki then
decides to go for the next most obvious question...
Buki : Do you know Prince William?
Shaz : Have you shagged him?
Meanwhile, Crystal's being shown onto the wing by Fenner who's very
interested in finding out how she managed to end up back
inside...Crystal, as you would expect, and quite justifiably, blames
Shell for everything...
Crystal : I'm gonna kill Shell when I see her.
Fenner : Yeah? Well I'll look the other way when you do.
Fenner and Crystal run into Di Barker, who wastes no time in telling
Crystal that she's her new personal officer, and if at any time she
wants to speak to someone, then she should confide in her. Shaz of
course is delighted to see Crystal, but Crystal makes it clear that she
holds Shaz as responsible for her predicament as much as she blames
Shell and Denny, Buki arrives then...
Buki : Got any gear?
Blimey...talk about needle stuck in the groove!!!
Crystal : Nothing changes, does it?
It's lunchtime on the wing and we get our first shot of Yvonne...and
she's all in black, complete with leather kecks...swoooooon!! Anyway,
she goes to sit with Babs, Shaz and Buki, but her attention has been
attracted by Charlotte who's sitting on her own and looking at her food
like it's something that's just been scraped out of a litter tray.
Yvonne takes an immediate interest and decides to mosey on over...
Yvonne : Hello...(Sits down opposite Charlotte)...I'm
Yvonne...(Notices that Charlotte's treating the contents of her plate
like an unexploded bomb)...it's not exactly Marco Pierre White, is it?
Charlotte doesn't reply and a hovering Gina Rossi is shown to be taking
Yvonne : Look, we all find it hard when we first come in here, but
ask anyone...the only way to get through it is to muck in.
Charlotte : (Total disinterest) Really?
Gina : You won't get nothing out of her Yvonne...she knows it all....she
thought she was above the law until Daddy shopped her.
Charlotte : (To Gina) This is all you've got, isn't it? This little bit
of power in here...is that why you took the job...Miss?
Gina : It's a damn sight more than you've got right now.
Charlotte : Yes, but in six months time, I'll be gone and you'll still
be here...I'd say that was rather sad.
Gina : (Aware of the admiring grin on Yvonne's face) You're making a big
mistake! (Does a Nikki and storms off in a strop)
Yvonne : Oooh, you rattled her cage alright! I wouldn't want to get on
the wrong side of you!
Charlotte : Then don't!
Yvonne : (Suddenly serious) Trouble is, a way with words ain't enough in
here...(Gets up and walks around the table, looking down on Charlotte
menacingly)...especially when you walk around like the flamin' Queen of
Sheba! (Turns to walk away) You're in the jungle now.
Charlotte : I'd noticed!
Yvonne turns on Charlotte and is obviously about to make an issue of the
comment, well, until Fenner steps in and puts a stop to it...Yvonne
returns to the others and it's more than a little obvious that
Charlotte's pissed her off to the extreme...
Yvonne : (Evil glare) That little cow needs teaching a lesson!
Oh shit! Not content with winding up the superscrew, Charlotte's made
the biggest mistake of her life...getting on the wrong side of Yvonne!
Later, Di comes across Crystal mopping the floor and decides that it's
time that the two of them had a chat...
Di : (Looks around shiftily and then fixes Crystal with a scary stare
while her back is turned ) We must fix a time to have that chat...it's
just I've been so busy, we're really short staffed at the moment.
Crystal : Yeah?
Di : Yeah...what with Mrs Hollamby being off...(Pauses and seems to
concentrate)...cavalry's on it's way though...(Close up of scary stare
as the 'Di Barking Moment' music begins to play in the background)...do
you remember Josh Mitchell? Used to be the odd job man here.
Crystal : (Looks up from mopping) Yeah.
Di : He's at college studying to be a PO, he'll be back any day
now...(Cut to the anxious look on Crystal's face)...come to think of it,
didn't you used to have a crush on him?
Crystal : (Looks round, feigning shock) Me?
Di : (Laughs) Just gossip...(Gets a faraway look on her face) wouldn't
have blamed you if you'd had though, he's a lovely lad. (Looks closely
at Crystal to scope her reaction) Look, is everything alright?
Crystal : (Incredibly anxious now) Yes Miss!
Di : Because that's what I'm here for you know...if there's something
that's bothering you, if you'd feel better for getting it off your
Just when it looks like Crystal might open up...a noise is heard in the
background and as if by magic...Dawn (DAWN!!!) appears behind the
servery and gets her first speaking part of the series...
Dawn : Can you give us a hand with these urns Crystal?
Note...Dawn is of course referring to tea-urns, not Grecian urns...LMAO!!
I had a bit of a 'Morecambe & Wise' moment then..."Make us a cup of
St Di of Barking is rather pissed off at the interruption and snaps
uncharacteristically at Dawn...
Di : (Through gritted teeth) Can you do it yourself Dawn?
Dawn : They weigh a ton Miss! We've been told not to lift 'em on our
My God!!! Two lines in one episode!! Our cup runneth over!! Anyway, Di
realises that she's beaten and makes her excuses and leaves, little does
Crystal know that she owes her timely escape to Dawn and her heavy urns!
Back in the dorm, Shaz and Buki are having a round of Bridge...JOKE!!
It's most probably strip poker knowing those two...when Yvonne walks
Yvonne : Where's Lady Muck then?
Buki : Her and Crystal are down in the showers.
Shaz : She said something about getting...(Puts on piss-taking posh
accent) the stench of the prison, out of her huuuuurrr!
Yvonne : Mmmmmm...did she now? (Wanders over to Charlotte's locker,
opens it and reaches for her suit) I think it's about time that our
little Princess had a change of image...what do you think girls?
Shaz, faced with a spot of mischief, grins like Dennis the Menace about
to ping his catapult up some old lady's backside...looks like
Charlotte's going to realise the consequences for crossing Yvonne!!!
At the end of their shift, Mark and Gina pop into the local pub for a
drink and run into that woman, Jude, who we noticed hanging around
outside the prison gates when the meat wagon arrived...anyway, she tells
Mark and Gina that she's a PO in a male prison but that she lives in the
area and casually moves the topic of conversation onto Charlotte,
telling them that they once had an inmate like that at her prison and
that he had the governor wrapped around his little finger, even had a
cell on his own...Gina's quick to point out that things are a little bit
tougher at Larkhall...
Gina : We got her sharing a cell with a crack head and a Jesus freak!
Gina goes on to tell the woman that the crack head's in for killing her
pimp and Jude says that she's heard of the case, prompting Gina to
reveal her name – Buki Lester...
Jude : Yeah, that's right...Buki Lester...I don't envy you there!
Gina : She'd sell her own mother down the river for a spliff!
Jude makes her excuses and leaves then...returning to her table...but
then she removes a tape-recorder from her pocket, rewinds it, and we
hear Gina saying 'Buki Lester'...oh Shit!! Looks like superscrew's been
duped by the paparazzi!!!
End of Part One...
Time for a loo break, another can of beer and a quick e-mail...back in a
The following morning, we see how Shaz and Buki managed to get rid of
Charlotte's clothes - they chucked them out of the cell window and the
next morning, Shaz turns up...or rather limps up to stuff them in a
LMAO!!! With all of the furore about Nikki's hat, nobody told us that
Shaz would be getting one too!! Only it looks like Nikki got the better
end of the deal with her crappy baseball cap...I'm not kidding when I
say that Shaz is wearing a knitted tea-cosy on her head and that it
makes her look like a cross between Benny from 'Crossroads' and
Inside the dorm...Charlotte rolls out of bed and walks over to her
wardrobe and finds it completely empty...she does find the gateway to a
fantastic and magical land called Narnia though...okay, she doesn't
really, but I'm getting a bit bored now!! Charlotte throws an
aristocratic paddy and bangs on the alarm button...enter Fenner to the
rescue...he pulls all three women out of the cell and demands to know
what's going on...Charlotte tells him that Crystal and Buki have stolen
her clothes and demands to know what he's going to do about it...
Charlotte : Aren't you going to arrest them?
And up on the G2 landing, Yvonne is looking down on this little scene
and obviously enjoying every minute of it!
The next time we see Charlotte, she's wearing a horrible, shapeless
baggy grey tracksuit and runs into a very smug looking Yvonne...
Yvonne : Took my advice then?
Charlotte : I'm sorry?
Yvonne : Dressing down a bit...better than lording it about.
Charlotte : (Hit by inspiration) It was you...wasn't it?
Yvonne : What was?
Charlotte : Of course.
Yvonne : That's a bit subtle for me...you're talking to an animal now
Di Barking comes across Crystal in her cell staring moodily out of the
Di : You not having any breakfast?
Crystal : I'm not hungry Miss.
Di : Are you sure you're alright? (Sighs with frustration) What is it
Crystal? I know that something's troubling you...is someone giving you a
Crystal : No Miss, it's not that.
Di : Then what?
Crystal : You know what you said about Josh? About me having a crush on
him and that?
Di : I was only joking!
Crystal : No...but it's more than a crush...we live together see?
Di : (Look on her face like she's just been smacked in the kisser with a
wet kipper as 'Di Barking Moment' music starts playing in the
background) You and Josh Mitchell?
Crystal : I was at his house when I got arrested.
Di : Well didn't the Police question Mr Mitchell?
Crystal : No...the flat's in his mate's name and he's out of the
Di : So he doesn't know.
Crystal : (Shakes head) I swore to him that I'd never get into trouble
again, God knows what he's gonna think when he sees me back here.
Di : Well how long have you two been together?
Crystal : Since I got out...only we're not like sleeping
together...we're saving ourselves for when we get married.
Di : (Grins, but is obviously shocked) You're getting married?
Crystal : If he'll still have me...I wouldn't blame him if he didn't.
Di : I'll have a think...see what I can come up with.
Di leaves the cell then, and it's obvious to everybody that what she'll
probably come up with is a chainsaw which she'll use to hack Crystal
into a million pieces!!!
Meanwhile, Josh is trying to get hold of Crystal on the phone and
wonders why there's no answer at home.
Up in Karen's office, the woman in question is in with Charlotte...
Karen : How do you know that it was Yvonne Atkins?
Charlotte : It was written all over her face.
Karen : I need more than that I'm afraid.
Charlotte : She nearly hit me yesterday lunchtime! That man Fenner had
to stop her!
Karen : So how did she get into your cell?
Charlotte : She wouldn't do the dirty work herself...would she?
Karen : (Dismisses Charlotte by looking down at a file on her desk) I'll
look into it.
Charlotte : It's more like a Turkish jail than an English one!
Karen : I'm not that au fait with Turkish jails I'm afraid...if you have
an aversion to prisons, it's a good idea not to do the crime!
Charlotte : My Father's going to hear about this place!
Karen : Fine! Most inmates speak to their parents.
It's visiting time and Charlotte's mother arrives and...
Is it just me, or is Bad Girls becoming the TV version of an Elephant's
graveyard for ex-soap actors??? First Claire King, then Michael Higgs (I
class 'The Bill' as a soap) and Paul Opacic, we already know about the
future arrival of Kate O'Mara...and now...it's Dirty Den's mistress Jan
(Eastenders)...next thing you know, we'll have Grant Mitchell turning up
as Bodybag's long lost lovechild!!!
Charlotte notices that Daddy hasn't turned up and her Mum explains to
her that he's worried about the press, Charlotte of course points out
that he should've worried about that before he turned her in to the
Police...the talk moves on to what Daddy's doing to get her out of
prison and her Mum tells her that the solicitors are working on an
appeal for unfair sentencing...this doesn't placate Charlotte who knows
that an appeal will take months and she'll probably be released before
the wheels of justice start to turn...and in a line worthy of 'Midnight
Express' she leans forward, an anguished look on her face and...
Charlotte : I don't think I can take much more of this!
Buki is shown into Karen's office and is questioned about the
disappearance of Charlotte's clothes...at first she claims to have
nothing to do with it, but wavers under Karen's hard stare and...oh
shit!! Not only is she a whiny crack head with shit for brains, she's
also a grass!!!! She reveals to Karen that the whole thing was Yvonne's
idea and that she and Shaz only went ahead with it because 'we're shit
scared of her', she also tells Karen that Yvonne told them to burn the
clothes...Coops...I think we have a winner for Twatting Twat of the
Back down in the dorm and knowing that she's in the clear, Buki offers
to give Charlotte her clothes back...for a price of course!! Charlotte
is dismissive because she has no money to buy the clothes back with so
Buki offers to trade instead and takes an interest in the ring that
Charlotte is wearing...Charlotte turns her down though, turns out that
the ring is a priceless family heirloom. Buki's not worried though, she
knows she'll get her way in the end.
Back up in Karen's office, it's Yvonne's turn for the Gestapo
treatment...and wow!! She's all in leather this time!!!
Karen : So you deny it?
Yvonne : I don't even know what you're talking about...conspiring to
have her clothes stolen and burnt? (Laughs) Sounds like the gunpowder
Karen : I was told you did it Yvonne.
Yvonne : Says who?
Karen : I'm not prepared to disclose my source of information.
Yvonne : I'm entitled to know, I could sue you for slander.
Karen : That's your prerogative. (Smiles) In the meantime, I'm giving
you 42 days loss of remission.
Yvonne : What?
Karen : And a poor report to probation...I expect a speedy improvement
in your behaviour! That'll be all.
Yvonne : You can't do this! I haven't done anything!
Fenner : (Goes to grab Yvonne's arm) Come on Atkins, don't make it worse
Yvonne : You keep your hands off me!
Fenner : I'd keep it buttoned if I were you!
Karen and Yvonne exchange a hard stare, and if looks could kill, they'd
both be lying there dead, before Yvonne leaves the office and returns to
the wing to find out who dropped her in it. Shaz and Buki are the
obvious suspects but they both proclaim their innocence, and as Yvonne
sets off to make further inquiries, Gina Rossi arrives with a letter for
an extremely surprised Buki...Buki goes off to read the letter the look
on her face makes it plain to see that whatever's in the letter has
surprised her...bet it's from that journalist, Jude...betcha!!!
Meanwhile, Yvonne's still on the war-path and with only one obvious
suspect remaining, goes to visit Charlotte in the dorm...and as she
closes the cell door behind her and stands there looking mean and
menacing in her leathers...eyes boring into Charlotte like two chips of
ice...it's seriously enough to send a shiver down your spine...
Yvonne : (Leaning against cell-door) If there's one thing I can't
stand, it's a nark.
Charlotte : (Determined to put on her 'I'm above you all' front despite
the fact that Yvonne looks like a cobra about to strike) Would you mind
saying that in English?
Yvonne : (Head goes pop, turns around and sweeps plastic plates etc off
nearby table and turns back to Charlotte, putting on a hugely effective,
incredibly menacing posh voice) You stuck up little tart!
Charlotte : I just want to be left alone.
Yvonne : No one grasses on me and gets away with it!
Charlotte : Just tell your sidekicks to get my clothes back, that's all
I ask! (Makes fatal error and turns her back on Yvonne)
Yvonne : You don't get it, do you? (Charlotte turns back) You don't give
Charlotte : (Takes a step closer to Yvonne and puts on a patronising
voice) You're nothing special, you're just a common criminal!
Yvonne : (Smacks Charlotte right round the kisser, top marks for Mad
Tessa like stary eyes here...then puts her hand around Charlotte's
throat) One more word from you and I'll snap that little brass neck of
yours in two...don't go running to Betts again, or you're dead!
Yvonne storms out of the cell and Charlotte curls up onto the bunk of
doom and starts to sob...anyone else thinking Rachel Hicks???
A while later, Buki arrives back in the dorm and throws Charlotte's
clothes at her...Charlotte realises that not all of the clothes are
there and Buki tells her that the ring didn't buy all of
them...Charlotte reminds her that the ring was a priceless family
heirloom, but Buki doesn't care, the ring's only worth what she can get
for it inside, although if Charlotte were to hand over her phonecards,
she might be able to buy the rest of her clothes back, only for
Charlotte to deduce that she'd only get them back until they were stolen
again and hands the clothes back to Buki who leaves the cell.
WARNING!! Obvious 'Now you see the knife, now you don't' type moment
here...Charlotte, left on her own, looks around the cell and the camera
lingers on a plastic bag left on top of Crystal's locker...when
Charlotte leaves the cell a few moments later...the bag is gone!!! Der,
Der, DER!!! Duh! I wonder what she's gonna do with that!! It becomes
even more obvious when she disappears straight up to the G2 toilets and locks
herself into one of the cubicles before bursting into tears.
This disappearing act hasn't gone unnoticed by Babs and Yvonne...Yvonne
by the way is sitting on the edge of the pool table and looking like the
coolest cat as she throws a ball from one hand to the other...
Barbara : Poor girl...I've tried talking to her.
Yvonne : Yeah, but so's everyone else...if she's too far up her
aristocratic arse to talk back then she can go shag herself!
Then, Yvonne notices that Buki's wearing Charlotte's scarf around her
head and storms across the wing...
Yvonne : I thought I told you to burn that!
Buki : What's the point? We can get money out of her.
Yvonne : What?
Buki : Yeah...she knows she ain't gettin' it back n'all unless she keeps
Yvonne : You've been blackmailing her?
Buki : (Shrugs)
Yvonne : YOU STUPID BITCH!
Yvonne runs up the stairs to the bathroom with Babs in tow and bangs
into the toilets, checking every cubicle until she realises that the
last one is locked...she looks over the neighbouring wall and we see
Charlotte sitting there on the loo, she's put the bag over her head and
has used her sweater to secure herself to the toilet cistern...and
Yvonne's not the only one who says...
Yvonne : Shit!
End of Part Two...
Anyone got any Pro-Plus???
A few days later, we're back in the officers' room and Karen's updating
Charlotte was found just in time and has been away recovering on the
hospital wing, in view of the fact that it was Yvonne who found her and
raised the alarm, Karen has decided to rescind her loss of
remission...Gina seems to be stepping into Bodybag's shoes this
Gina : It was Yvonne who made her depressed in the first place!
Oh and your comments had nothing at all to do with it, did they
superscrew??? Karen of course is quick to slap Gina down...
Karen : Among others!
And Gina is left with a very guilty look on her face.
Anyway, Karen has decided to put Charlotte on 15 minute suicide watch,
which isn't greeted well by the officers, but they have no choice
really. Karen also announces that Josh will be starting later in the
day...pause for a scary smile on the face of the woman that could give
Glenn Close lessons in stalkiness.
Charlotte is shown back onto the wing, and just as she is settling back
into her cell, Yvonne pays her a visit...she's still got that menacing
look on her face and Charlotte, understandably, looks like a rabbit
caught in the headlights as Yvonne turns to her and says...
Yvonne : Still rather be dead? (Charlotte looks down guiltily but
doesn't reply) Well I'm glad you're not. (Charlotte looks up,
incredulously) You gave me hell of a bloody fright!
Charlotte : Sorry.
Yvonne : (Softly) No...I'm sorry...I thought you were as hard as you
made out, didn't I?
Charlotte : I hate my Father! (Voice begins to crack) If people only
knew...he's a drunk you know? And my Mother...it's all shit! (Breaks
down in tears)
Yvonne : (Steps forward and puts her arms around Charlotte, looking
rather close to tears herself) You're one of us now...right?
Charlotte : I'm just the posh.
Yvonne : (Interrupted by the intercom, pulls away and takes Charlotte's
face in her hands) I'll be back later.
Up in the visiting room, Buki receives a visit from...guess who???
Jude...and it was her who sent Buki that letter. She offers to pay Buki
for information about Charlotte and hands her a cigarette packet with
£200 in it...Buki asks for more but Jude tells her that she'll have to
provide info first...Buki tells her about the suicide attempt and is
then told that the cigarette packet also contains a camera...if she can
get photos of Charlotte then she'll receive a hell of a lot more money.
Back on the wing, Di pays a visit to the dorm and tells Crystal that
Josh will be arriving later that day...Crystal, justifiably, starts to
panic and Di tries to reassure her before telling her that maybe they
should keep the fact that she knows about her and Josh secret...Crystal
agrees and thanks Di for helping...if only she knew!!!
Josh arrives and is greeted by Di who asks him how the course went
before complimenting him on how good he looks in his uniform...she also
notices that he's more than a little preoccupied...but I don't think
anything would be able to knock the evil smile off her face...well, save
for a baseball bat anyway!!
Meanwhile, Yvonne drags Shaz and Buki back to the dorm and they are
forced to hand over Charlotte's clothes and ring and then grudgingly
apologise...LMAO!! Just like a pair of naughty school kids!! All it
needed was Yvonne to drag them into the cell by their ears!
Josh arrives on the wing...and imagine his surprise when he sees Crystal
staring through the bars at him!! Di Barker observes this of
Charlotte's a lot like her old self...well...actually, she looks a bit
like Nikki to tell you the truth...leaning against her bunk and smoking
a cigarette with a moody look on her face, well, that's until Buki
arrives back in the cell and Charlotte asks her to acquire her some
drugs...Buki agrees and Charlotte offers her ring in payment.
Di begins to cross-examine Josh again...of course, we all know that she
knows the true reason behind the fact that he's so down in the mouth
that it's dragging somewhere down around his ankles...but she wants to
show Josh how caring she is, well, at the same time as fishing for
information about Crystal...
Josh : Did I see that Crystal girl back on the wing?
Di : Crystal Gordon? (Barking Moment music starts again) Yeah...she's
turned out to be a revelation.
Josh : How come?
Di : (Faraway scary look) We all though that she'd reformed, but it
turned out that she was hiding Denny and Shell when they escaped.
Josh : What?
Di : Doing heroin with them as well.
Josh : (Flabbergasted) Crystal? She's religious isn't she?
Di : Didn't stop her getting into trouble before...it just makes you
wonder, you know? If it's all a front.
Di Barker!!! One of the lower reaches of hell is now reserved for you!!
Burn the witch!! BURN! Where's Shell and her coffin when you need her???
Buki arrives back on the dorm to find Charlotte zonked out on the pills
that she acquired earlier...awwww...nostalgic Zan moment there!! Anyway,
this gives Buki the chance she's been looking for and she places a tin
foil wrap of crack by Charlotte's face before reaching for the camera
that Jude gave to her...say cheese Charlotte!!! After taking the photo,
Buki goes outside and catches up with a woman who's about to be released
the following day and offers her £100 if she takes the camera out with
End of Part Three...
The photo hits the front page of the newspaper the following day...Karen
jumps to the obvious conclusion but Mr Oily, in a rare moment of
compassion, jumps to Charlotte's defence and points out that she was
asleep when the photo was taken and that anyone could've planted the
stuff there. Karen is swayed, but asks Di to piss test Charlotte and
everyone else in the dorm.
On the wing, Babs and Charlotte are picking over the newspaper
WHOA!!! Huge continuity error!! Watch closely and you'll see a flash of
the Larkhall rugby top just behind Babs who is sitting on one side of
the table...a split second later, the camera pans back to Charlotte who
is sitting on the other side of the table, and... the rugby top
miraculously appears just behind her...wow!! It's just like that
'X-Files' episode with the kids who could move faster than the speed of
light!!! And...have just watched this again and it gets worse...the top
starts off behind Babs, walks past Charlotte...camera pans back to Babs
and it's back behind her, and then back to Charlotte and it's behind
Anyway, I digress...Babs reads out the article and it turns out that
Charlotte's father - Lord Myddleton, has been quoted as saying that if
that's what his daughter gets up to then she deserves everything she
Across the wing, Yvonne turns up with a newspaper and slaps it down in
front of Buki, demanding to know if she's got anything to do with
it...quick as a flash, Buki spins a line about the woman who sneaked the
camera out for her...saying that she was always asking about Charlotte
and that it's a bit of a coincidence that the day after she gets out the
photo is printed...Yvonne can't argue with Buki's logic, but it's clear
that she doesn't believe a word that she's saying.
Josh takes the opportunity to speak to Crystal and asks for an
explanation...she tells him that Shell and Denny turned up and she had
no way of stopping them, but when she found out that they were taking
drugs, she made them leave...she also tells him that the only reason
they did turn up was because he told Denny that they were living
together...and then reveals that it was Shell who turned her in...Josh,
being the good bloke that he is, believes her, and forgives her...surely
Di Barker has to admit defeat now? Well...I'm not sure about that, but
the false smile she flashes at Crystal when she hears that her and Josh
are back together nearly cracks her face.
Still all smiles (ahhhhh...ain't love grand??) Crystal comes across Shaz
who is holding a postcard and looking rather puzzled...
Crystal : What you got there?
Shaz : A postcard...from me Auntie Nellie in Spain.
Crystal : Auntie Nellie? (Shaz shrugs and Crystal takes the postcard and
reads it out) Having a great time...sorry you ain't here...love ya babe?
(Looks at Shaz like she's a total spanner, which of course she is) That
ain't from no Auntie Nellie! That's from Denny!
Shaz : Denny! (Takes postcard) She made it! She's in Spain!
Crystal : Yeah right, from a bed-sit in Kings Cross more like! It's
It's made Shaz's day though!
Out on the wing, Babs has come up with a brilliant idea...why doesn't
Charlotte claim her right to reply and send a letter to the newspaper
explaining her side of the story? Charlotte admits that this is a good
idea, but how is she going to get a letter out?? (Hmmmm...maybe the same
way that Crystal got her letter out to 'The Guardian'? By posting it?)
Have no fear though...a grinning Yvonne is already on the case!!!
Di 'nothing if not persistent' Barking catches Josh on his way home and
suggests that they go out for a drink one night after work...he cries
off, saying that he'd rather take it easy on his first week...she seems
to take the hint and then changes her mind at the last minute...
Di : You live up Acton way don't you? Only I'm up there sometimes at
the weekends...line dancing.
LMAO!!!! Well, we knew she was a raving fruitcake...that mental picture
has just confirmed it!!!
Anyway, Di suggests that they meet up afterward and Josh, bless him,
tries his best to squirm out of it but she completely steamrollers him
into agreeing...eh up! It's the return of Larkhall's answer to Mrs
"You do, you do, you do, you do, you do!"
The following day, Crystal is piss tested...she hands her sample to Di
and makes her outrage quite clear...Di passes the buck by saying that
she didn't authorise it...next up is Charlotte who objects in the
strongest possible terms at having to piss while Di watches...she
attempts to protect her dignity by admitting that she's taken cocaine in
the past 24 hours, but Di's gonna make her piss anyway...and as she sits
there on the loo with a martyred look on her face...Di smiles to herself
as she caresses Crystal's sample...NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! She can't!!! What a
Back on the wing, Buki catches up with Shaz and Crystal...
Buki : Oi! Did they take the piss outta ya?
The following day?? Crystal finds Shaz mooning over the postcard...it
seems that she's finally accepted that Denny couldn't have sent it from
Spain and that she probably got one of her mates to post it for
her...the two reflect on what the gruesome twosome are up to and then
before we know it, the camera closes up on a picture of a harbour full
of yachts in the postcard…
Yep...we're in Spain…the gruesome twosome have fallen on their feet
alright and are sacked out sunbathing on a yacht owned by some dodgy
looking Spanish geezer who's yakking away on a phone in the background
while Shell and Denny sip cocktails...well, Denny finishes hers, makes
the sound with her straw when the glass is empty before letting out a
Shell : Can't take you anywhere, can I Den?
Denny : (Picks up cocktail jug) What's next then Shell?
Shell : I dunno...Between The Sheets?
Denny : Yeah! Larkhall prison piss-stained sheets!
Shell : Or what about A Long Comfortable Screw Against the Wall?
Denny : What's in that then?
Shell : Orange, vodka, Fenner's spunk and a cherry!
Denny : (Totally disgusted, as are all of us) Oh man! Do you know how
gross that is?
They have a bit of a wrestle and a bit of a snog.
Talking about Fenner, he's listening in the officers' room as Karen
regales them all with the letter that Charlotte sent into the
paper...just like Crystal's letter in series 1, it completely rubbishes
the prison, but I bet Karen won't catch the flak for it that Helen did!!
Anyway Karen also makes the shock announcement that Charlotte passed her
piss test...and...Crystal didn't!!! And while Josh has to struggle not
to react, Di has a guilty look on her face.
Josh goes straight off to see Crystal and tells her that she's failed
her test...she protests her innocence, but he's hearing none of it...as
far as he's concerned, the test is infallible and he walks out on her,
totally disgusted. She tries to follow but is pulled up by an extremely
evil Di Barker who is completely out of character and openly nasty to
Di : Disappointed in you is he? We all are.
Crystal : Miss...I've never done drugs in my life!
Di flags down a passing Charlotte and tells her that her test was clear,
she's understandably shocked, but that's nothing to Crystal's total
Crystal : I never! There's been a mistake!
Di : You'd better clean up your act, otherwise you're going to be in
here for a very long time!
The evil that is Di Barking leaves Crystal totally bereft, heart-broken,
not to mention pissed off...while Charlotte stares after her, obviously
more than a little suspicious.
Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)
Top Dog of the Week
Yes, you guessed it: Yvonne made her long-awaited return and not only
showed her hard side, but also the compassion that makes her the Coolest
Cat in Larkhall. And she came out quits, Betts deciding to rescind the
loss of remission previously imposed.
KB showed good instincts in getting Buki to grass Yvonne up. Although it
doesn't take Anne Robinson to spot the weakest link in the dorm.
Twatting Twat of the Week
Buki. OK she has no loyalty to Charlotte, but selling out your cellmate
to a journo is slimebag behaviour. And when Yvonne discovers who really
grassed her up...
Gina had some good lines, but her jealousy almost made Di look sane!
Josh - duh! I know you're not the sharpest tool in the box, but hello?!
Your girlfriend is a devout Christian who has always been seriously
anti-drugs. Just Say No to the mad bunny-boiler; no more Mr Nice Guy,
Weedy Pigeon of the Week
The Honourable Charlotte whatsherface. As Yvonne put it, she's too far
up her "aristocratic arse" to get much sympathy. Even the suicide
attempt left me unmoved; her only chance at redemption will be if she
figures out Di's game.
Spin Doctor of the Week
Di made Crystal sound like a compulsive liar and stitched her up with
the piss test.
Buki...manages to confess to the clothes hiding incident and gets away
with it...grasses on Yvonne and gets away with it...takes photos of
Charlotte and still manages to come up with a viable 'on the spot'
excuse to appease Yvonne...she's got some brass neck this girl, I'll
give her that!
Worst Girl of the Week
Di Barking, whispering poison to Josh and words of comfort to Crystal.
And then to fiddle the urine test... she stoops lower than Fenner.
Best Line of the Week
Gina: We only put the red carpet out for your sort when you're
opening prisons, not entering them.
Crystal: Kill Shell when I see her.
Fenner: Yeah, well I'll look the other way when you do.
Dawn: Can you give us a hand with these urns Crystal?
Di: Can you do it yourself, Dawn.
Dawn: They weigh a ton, miss. We've been told not to lift them on our
two whole sentences, more than she's had in two whole seasons]
Worst line of the Week
Charlotte: Aren't you going to arrest them?
Di: I'll have a think; see what I can come up with. [We just knew
that was not A Good Thing]
Shell: Orange juice, vodka, Fenner's spunk and a cherry. [eeeeeeeewww!]
Di: You'd better clean up your act, otherwise you're going to be in
here for a very long time! [Pure, undiluted evil!!]
Warring Faction of the Week
Yvonne and Charlotte. Hands up who was totally willing Yvonne to smack
Crystal and Di...although Crystal doesn't know it yet.
Best Performance by an Extra
Dawn for stringing more than 2 words together, even if one of them was
Sight of the week
Gina Rossi grabbing her boyfriend's family jewels.
Yvonne stalking across the wing in black leather before going loco on
Yvonne and Babs steaming up onto G2 like Cagney and Lacey.
Di Barking's expression when informed that Josh is joining G-Wing. Hats
off to the scary facial acting by Tracey Wilkinson.
For the first time, we get to really appreciate the walking haystack
that is Felicity
Not only the dreaded bunk of doom nearly claiming another victim, but we
get a shot of Charlotte asleep in her bunk and it provided a very
nostalgic Zandra moment.
Shaz's woolly hat...talk about a cross between Benny from 'Crossroads'
Charlotte sitting on the toilet with a martyred look on her face...how
the mighty have fallen eh??
Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
The Larkhall rugby top - now it's multiplying!!! Watch the breakfast
conversation between Charlotte and Babs - it miraculously appears behind
both of them and then walks past twice.
How the hell did Yvonne get "oooh, the Posh is going to top herself"
from discovering Buki's blackmail?
Crystal must have been holding her wee for a week; did you see the size
of that sample pot?
If Karen was concerned enough about Charlotte fitting in to make a point
of asking the screws to keep an eye on her, why on earth was she
assigned to the dorm?? Surely that was asking for trouble...personally,
I would've thought that Babs would be the ideal cellmate.
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