Season 3, Episode 9: Common Criminal
Recap by Filbertfox

Synopsis

Well...no Helen and Nikki this week, but who gives a shit?? YVONNE'S BACK!!

Questions for this week...

1. Did Denny and Shell make it to Spain, or did they get eaten alive by their dreadful wigs?
2. What will happen to Crystal, and will Josh forgive her...or will Di manage to screw things up for them first?
3. Will Bobby now start to market his own brand of barbecue sauce?
4. Why do I do this to myself every week?

So...I'm just gonna crack open a can of '1664' and get stuck in straight away...

Another new inmate arrives and as usual, we get the obligatory shot of the meat wagon driving through the gates...there's something afoot this week though because the press are out in force, does this mean we have a celebrity??? Amongst the paparazzi, we get a shot of a woman with a very reflective look on her face....it's odds on that she'll be back to cause trouble later.

Amongst the normal dodgy looking lags is a woman who looks like she's just stepped out of 'Hello' magazine...this is Charlotte Myddleton...sorry, the Hon Charlotte Myddleton no less (for those peeps who aren't familiar with our strange British ways, an 'Hon' is the son or daughter of a person with one of the lower ranked aristocratic titles, usually a Lord or a Baron)...anyway, before she is shown into reception to be processed, we are finally introduced to Mark Waddle, the Larkhall stud-muffin...i.e. the man who manages to keep Gina Rossi at simmering point...Brits will recognise him as Steve Marchant from 'Emmerdale', Kim Tate's husband, non-Brits might want to note that Kim Tate was played by none other than one of the most shaggable woman in England - Claire King.

So...it seems that Mark has pulled reception duty, and so has Gina, who is by the way, extremely pleased to see him...we can tell that by the way she pulls him in for a sneaky snog and makes a grab for his gonads...he pulls away just as the inmates arrive for processing and takes more than a passing interest in Charlotte...Gina of course notices this and looks like she's going to erupt like Etna...but of course, this is Charlotte's fault for tempting the poor fallible bloke...oops, looks like superscrew has a weakness after all - pathological jealousy!!

Charlotte is the first to be processed, it's unfortunate, because Gina has a face like a pit-bull chewing a wasp and Charlotte does nothing to help herself by the way she looks down her nose at Gina like she's something particularly nasty she's just trodden in...Charlotte doesn't exactly enjoy being questioned like a common criminal and gives Gina the excuse she's been waiting for...

Charlotte : Look, is all this really necessary?
Gina : Just answer the questions sweetheart!
Charlotte : I beg your pardon!
Gina : We only put the red carpet out for your sort when you're opening prisons, not entering 'em
Charlotte : What's your name?
Gina : (Holds out ID badge) Can't you read?


Mark calls Gina off and then goes on to tell Charlotte that he'll try his best to arrange access to a telephone for her...this pisses Gina off no end and she favours Charlotte with an evil look of Di Barker proportions.

It's briefing time in the officers' room and Karen is looking rather marvellous in a plum coloured suit. She makes the announcement that Crystaaaaal's on her way back after being caught with a stash of drugs and for harbouring Shell and Denny...Di Barker, of course, takes the news with a glint in her eye, and, to add insult to injury, is appointed as Crystal's personal officer. Karen also tells the others about Charlotte...it turns out that her father's chauffeur found a wrap of coke in the car after she'd been driving it and her father, scared of it leaking out to the press, decided to turn her into the Police...she was sentenced to 12 months for possession with intent to supply...Karen is concerned about Charlotte not fitting in (Blimey! Talk about stating the bleedin' obvious!) and asks the other officers to keep an eye on her.

Just have to say...these briefing sessions in the officers' room are getting more and more like something out of 'Hill Street Blues' every week...before we realise it, Karen will be dating 17 year old prostitutes and telling her screws to 'be careful out there'!

Out on the wing, Charlotte is assigned to the 4-bed dorm and...Whoa!! Hold it there for a sec...if Karen's so concerned about Charlotte fitting in, why assign her to the same cell as Buki and Shaz??? Bit like putting a ickle bunny wabbit in a cage with a pack of hungry Rottweilers isn't it?? Would've thought that the ideal place to stick her would be in with Babs...but, no doubt there's a good plot reason for this...or all that snogging with Fenner is draining away what's left of Karen's common sense. So...Charlotte takes immediate exception to the dorm and is aghast when she finds out that she has to share a toilet...Gina of course, takes the opportunity to stick the boot in...

Charlotte : Four of us share that?
Gina : And you make your own bed...the girls'll show ya...I don't suppose you know how.
Charlotte : You don't know anything about me!
Gina : No? Well I'm learning!


Fenner calls Gina off this time and if this had been series one, no doubt he'd be offering to make things a bit easier for her in exchange for the odd blow-job, but he's learnt his lesson now, and anyway, Shaz and Buki arrive almost immediately and the moment is lost...

Buki : Oh we 'aven't! We've got the posh!
Shaz : Brilliant!


Oh dear...Buki's obviously moved bunks since Denny's departure and Charlotte is consigned to the bunk of doom...der der DER!!! Anyway, Buki's straight in with the obvious question and asks Charlotte if she's brought any gear in, Charlotte replies in the negative and Buki then decides to go for the next most obvious question...

Buki : Do you know Prince William?
Shaz : Have you shagged him?


Meanwhile, Crystal's being shown onto the wing by Fenner who's very interested in finding out how she managed to end up back inside...Crystal, as you would expect, and quite justifiably, blames Shell for everything...

Crystal : I'm gonna kill Shell when I see her.
Fenner : Yeah? Well I'll look the other way when you do.


Fenner and Crystal run into Di Barker, who wastes no time in telling Crystal that she's her new personal officer, and if at any time she wants to speak to someone, then she should confide in her. Shaz of course is delighted to see Crystal, but Crystal makes it clear that she holds Shaz as responsible for her predicament as much as she blames Shell and Denny, Buki arrives then...

Buki : Got any gear?

Blimey...talk about needle stuck in the groove!!!

Crystal : Nothing changes, does it?

It's lunchtime on the wing and we get our first shot of Yvonne...and she's all in black, complete with leather kecks...swoooooon!! Anyway, she goes to sit with Babs, Shaz and Buki, but her attention has been attracted by Charlotte who's sitting on her own and looking at her food like it's something that's just been scraped out of a litter tray. Yvonne takes an immediate interest and decides to mosey on over...

Yvonne : Hello...(Sits down opposite Charlotte)...I'm Yvonne...(Notices that Charlotte's treating the contents of her plate like an unexploded bomb)...it's not exactly Marco Pierre White, is it?

Charlotte doesn't reply and a hovering Gina Rossi is shown to be taking an interest.

Yvonne : Look, we all find it hard when we first come in here, but ask anyone...the only way to get through it is to muck in.
Charlotte : (Total disinterest) Really?
Gina : You won't get nothing out of her Yvonne...she knows it all....she thought she was above the law until Daddy shopped her.
Charlotte : (To Gina) This is all you've got, isn't it? This little bit of power in here...is that why you took the job...Miss?
Gina : It's a damn sight more than you've got right now.
Charlotte : Yes, but in six months time, I'll be gone and you'll still be here...I'd say that was rather sad.
Gina : (Aware of the admiring grin on Yvonne's face) You're making a big mistake! (Does a Nikki and storms off in a strop)
Yvonne : Oooh, you rattled her cage alright! I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of you!
Charlotte : Then don't!
Yvonne : (Suddenly serious) Trouble is, a way with words ain't enough in here...(Gets up and walks around the table, looking down on Charlotte menacingly)...especially when you walk around like the flamin' Queen of Sheba! (Turns to walk away) You're in the jungle now.
Charlotte : I'd noticed!


Yvonne turns on Charlotte and is obviously about to make an issue of the comment, well, until Fenner steps in and puts a stop to it...Yvonne returns to the others and it's more than a little obvious that Charlotte's pissed her off to the extreme...

Yvonne : (Evil glare) That little cow needs teaching a lesson!

Oh shit! Not content with winding up the superscrew, Charlotte's made the biggest mistake of her life...getting on the wrong side of Yvonne!

Later, Di comes across Crystal mopping the floor and decides that it's time that the two of them had a chat...

Di : (Looks around shiftily and then fixes Crystal with a scary stare while her back is turned ) We must fix a time to have that chat...it's just I've been so busy, we're really short staffed at the moment.
Crystal : Yeah?
Di : Yeah...what with Mrs Hollamby being off...(Pauses and seems to concentrate)...cavalry's on it's way though...(Close up of scary stare as the 'Di Barking Moment' music begins to play in the background)...do you remember Josh Mitchell? Used to be the odd job man here.
Crystal : (Looks up from mopping) Yeah.
Di : He's at college studying to be a PO, he'll be back any day now...(Cut to the anxious look on Crystal's face)...come to think of it, didn't you used to have a crush on him?
Crystal : (Looks round, feigning shock) Me?
Di : (Laughs) Just gossip...(Gets a faraway look on her face) wouldn't have blamed you if you'd had though, he's a lovely lad. (Looks closely at Crystal to scope her reaction) Look, is everything alright?
Crystal : (Incredibly anxious now) Yes Miss!
Di : Because that's what I'm here for you know...if there's something that's bothering you, if you'd feel better for getting it off your chest...


Just when it looks like Crystal might open up...a noise is heard in the background and as if by magic...Dawn (DAWN!!!) appears behind the servery and gets her first speaking part of the series...

Dawn : Can you give us a hand with these urns Crystal?

Note...Dawn is of course referring to tea-urns, not Grecian urns...LMAO!! I had a bit of a 'Morecambe & Wise' moment then..."Make us a cup of tea...Ern!"

St Di of Barking is rather pissed off at the interruption and snaps uncharacteristically at Dawn...

Di : (Through gritted teeth) Can you do it yourself Dawn?
Dawn : They weigh a ton Miss! We've been told not to lift 'em on our own!


My God!!! Two lines in one episode!! Our cup runneth over!! Anyway, Di realises that she's beaten and makes her excuses and leaves, little does Crystal know that she owes her timely escape to Dawn and her heavy urns!

Back in the dorm, Shaz and Buki are having a round of Bridge...JOKE!! It's most probably strip poker knowing those two...when Yvonne walks in...

Yvonne : Where's Lady Muck then?
Buki : Her and Crystal are down in the showers.
Shaz : She said something about getting...(Puts on piss-taking posh accent) the stench of the prison, out of her huuuuurrr!
Yvonne : Mmmmmm...did she now? (Wanders over to Charlotte's locker, opens it and reaches for her suit) I think it's about time that our little Princess had a change of image...what do you think girls?


Shaz, faced with a spot of mischief, grins like Dennis the Menace about to ping his catapult up some old lady's backside...looks like Charlotte's going to realise the consequences for crossing Yvonne!!!

At the end of their shift, Mark and Gina pop into the local pub for a drink and run into that woman, Jude, who we noticed hanging around outside the prison gates when the meat wagon arrived...anyway, she tells Mark and Gina that she's a PO in a male prison but that she lives in the area and casually moves the topic of conversation onto Charlotte, telling them that they once had an inmate like that at her prison and that he had the governor wrapped around his little finger, even had a cell on his own...Gina's quick to point out that things are a little bit tougher at Larkhall...

Gina : We got her sharing a cell with a crack head and a Jesus freak!

Gina goes on to tell the woman that the crack head's in for killing her pimp and Jude says that she's heard of the case, prompting Gina to reveal her name – Buki Lester...

Jude : Yeah, that's right...Buki Lester...I don't envy you there!
Gina : She'd sell her own mother down the river for a spliff!


Jude makes her excuses and leaves then...returning to her table...but then she removes a tape-recorder from her pocket, rewinds it, and we hear Gina saying 'Buki Lester'...oh Shit!! Looks like superscrew's been duped by the paparazzi!!!

End of Part One...

Time for a loo break, another can of beer and a quick e-mail...back in a mo!!!

Part Two...

The following morning, we see how Shaz and Buki managed to get rid of Charlotte's clothes - they chucked them out of the cell window and the next morning, Shaz turns up...or rather limps up to stuff them in a bin-bag and...

LMAO!!! With all of the furore about Nikki's hat, nobody told us that Shaz would be getting one too!! Only it looks like Nikki got the better end of the deal with her crappy baseball cap...I'm not kidding when I say that Shaz is wearing a knitted tea-cosy on her head and that it makes her look like a cross between Benny from 'Crossroads' and Tin-Tin!!!

Inside the dorm...Charlotte rolls out of bed and walks over to her wardrobe and finds it completely empty...she does find the gateway to a fantastic and magical land called Narnia though...okay, she doesn't really, but I'm getting a bit bored now!! Charlotte throws an aristocratic paddy and bangs on the alarm button...enter Fenner to the rescue...he pulls all three women out of the cell and demands to know what's going on...Charlotte tells him that Crystal and Buki have stolen her clothes and demands to know what he's going to do about it...

Charlotte : Aren't you going to arrest them?

And up on the G2 landing, Yvonne is looking down on this little scene and obviously enjoying every minute of it!

The next time we see Charlotte, she's wearing a horrible, shapeless baggy grey tracksuit and runs into a very smug looking Yvonne...

Yvonne : Took my advice then?
Charlotte : I'm sorry?
Yvonne : Dressing down a bit...better than lording it about.
Charlotte : (Hit by inspiration) It was you...wasn't it?
Yvonne : What was?
Charlotte : Of course.
Yvonne : That's a bit subtle for me...you're talking to an animal now remember.


Di Barking comes across Crystal in her cell staring moodily out of the window...

Di : You not having any breakfast?
Crystal : I'm not hungry Miss.
Di : Are you sure you're alright? (Sighs with frustration) What is it Crystal? I know that something's troubling you...is someone giving you a hard time?
Crystal : No Miss, it's not that.
Di : Then what?
Crystal : You know what you said about Josh? About me having a crush on him and that?
Di : I was only joking!
Crystal : No...but it's more than a crush...we live together see?
Di : (Look on her face like she's just been smacked in the kisser with a wet kipper as 'Di Barking Moment' music starts playing in the background) You and Josh Mitchell?
Crystal : I was at his house when I got arrested.
Di : Well didn't the Police question Mr Mitchell?
Crystal : No...the flat's in his mate's name and he's out of the country.
Di : So he doesn't know.
Crystal : (Shakes head) I swore to him that I'd never get into trouble again, God knows what he's gonna think when he sees me back here.
Di : Well how long have you two been together?
Crystal : Since I got out...only we're not like sleeping together...we're saving ourselves for when we get married.
Di : (Grins, but is obviously shocked) You're getting married?
Crystal : If he'll still have me...I wouldn't blame him if he didn't.
Di : I'll have a think...see what I can come up with.


Di leaves the cell then, and it's obvious to everybody that what she'll probably come up with is a chainsaw which she'll use to hack Crystal into a million pieces!!!

Meanwhile, Josh is trying to get hold of Crystal on the phone and wonders why there's no answer at home.

Up in Karen's office, the woman in question is in with Charlotte...

Karen : How do you know that it was Yvonne Atkins?
Charlotte : It was written all over her face.
Karen : I need more than that I'm afraid.
Charlotte : She nearly hit me yesterday lunchtime! That man Fenner had to stop her!
Karen : So how did she get into your cell?
Charlotte : She wouldn't do the dirty work herself...would she?
Karen : (Dismisses Charlotte by looking down at a file on her desk) I'll look into it.
Charlotte : It's more like a Turkish jail than an English one!
Karen : I'm not that au fait with Turkish jails I'm afraid...if you have an aversion to prisons, it's a good idea not to do the crime!
Charlotte : My Father's going to hear about this place!
Karen : Fine! Most inmates speak to their parents.


It's visiting time and Charlotte's mother arrives and...

Is it just me, or is Bad Girls becoming the TV version of an Elephant's graveyard for ex-soap actors??? First Claire King, then Michael Higgs (I class 'The Bill' as a soap) and Paul Opacic, we already know about the future arrival of Kate O'Mara...and now...it's Dirty Den's mistress Jan (Eastenders)...next thing you know, we'll have Grant Mitchell turning up as Bodybag's long lost lovechild!!!

Charlotte notices that Daddy hasn't turned up and her Mum explains to her that he's worried about the press, Charlotte of course points out that he should've worried about that before he turned her in to the Police...the talk moves on to what Daddy's doing to get her out of prison and her Mum tells her that the solicitors are working on an appeal for unfair sentencing...this doesn't placate Charlotte who knows that an appeal will take months and she'll probably be released before the wheels of justice start to turn...and in a line worthy of 'Midnight Express' she leans forward, an anguished look on her face and...

Charlotte : I don't think I can take much more of this!

Buki is shown into Karen's office and is questioned about the disappearance of Charlotte's clothes...at first she claims to have nothing to do with it, but wavers under Karen's hard stare and...oh shit!! Not only is she a whiny crack head with shit for brains, she's also a grass!!!! She reveals to Karen that the whole thing was Yvonne's idea and that she and Shaz only went ahead with it because 'we're shit scared of her', she also tells Karen that Yvonne told them to burn the clothes...Coops...I think we have a winner for Twatting Twat of the Week!!!!

Back down in the dorm and knowing that she's in the clear, Buki offers to give Charlotte her clothes back...for a price of course!! Charlotte is dismissive because she has no money to buy the clothes back with so Buki offers to trade instead and takes an interest in the ring that Charlotte is wearing...Charlotte turns her down though, turns out that the ring is a priceless family heirloom. Buki's not worried though, she knows she'll get her way in the end.

Back up in Karen's office, it's Yvonne's turn for the Gestapo treatment...and wow!! She's all in leather this time!!!

Karen : So you deny it?
Yvonne : I don't even know what you're talking about...conspiring to have her clothes stolen and burnt? (Laughs) Sounds like the gunpowder plot!
Karen : I was told you did it Yvonne.
Yvonne : Says who?
Karen : I'm not prepared to disclose my source of information.
Yvonne : I'm entitled to know, I could sue you for slander.
Karen : That's your prerogative. (Smiles) In the meantime, I'm giving you 42 days loss of remission.
Yvonne : What?
Karen : And a poor report to probation...I expect a speedy improvement in your behaviour! That'll be all.
Yvonne : You can't do this! I haven't done anything!
Fenner : (Goes to grab Yvonne's arm) Come on Atkins, don't make it worse for yourself!
Yvonne : You keep your hands off me!
Fenner : I'd keep it buttoned if I were you!


Karen and Yvonne exchange a hard stare, and if looks could kill, they'd both be lying there dead, before Yvonne leaves the office and returns to the wing to find out who dropped her in it. Shaz and Buki are the obvious suspects but they both proclaim their innocence, and as Yvonne sets off to make further inquiries, Gina Rossi arrives with a letter for an extremely surprised Buki...Buki goes off to read the letter the look on her face makes it plain to see that whatever's in the letter has surprised her...bet it's from that journalist, Jude...betcha!!!

Meanwhile, Yvonne's still on the war-path and with only one obvious suspect remaining, goes to visit Charlotte in the dorm...and as she closes the cell door behind her and stands there looking mean and menacing in her leathers...eyes boring into Charlotte like two chips of ice...it's seriously enough to send a shiver down your spine...

Yvonne : (Leaning against cell-door) If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a nark.
Charlotte : (Determined to put on her 'I'm above you all' front despite the fact that Yvonne looks like a cobra about to strike) Would you mind saying that in English?
Yvonne : (Head goes pop, turns around and sweeps plastic plates etc off nearby table and turns back to Charlotte, putting on a hugely effective, incredibly menacing posh voice) You stuck up little tart!
Charlotte : I just want to be left alone.
Yvonne : No one grasses on me and gets away with it!
Charlotte : Just tell your sidekicks to get my clothes back, that's all I ask! (Makes fatal error and turns her back on Yvonne)
Yvonne : You don't get it, do you? (Charlotte turns back) You don't give me orders!
Charlotte : (Takes a step closer to Yvonne and puts on a patronising voice) You're nothing special, you're just a common criminal!
Yvonne : (Smacks Charlotte right round the kisser, top marks for Mad Tessa like stary eyes here...then puts her hand around Charlotte's throat) One more word from you and I'll snap that little brass neck of yours in two...don't go running to Betts again, or you're dead!


Yvonne storms out of the cell and Charlotte curls up onto the bunk of doom and starts to sob...anyone else thinking Rachel Hicks???

A while later, Buki arrives back in the dorm and throws Charlotte's clothes at her...Charlotte realises that not all of the clothes are there and Buki tells her that the ring didn't buy all of them...Charlotte reminds her that the ring was a priceless family heirloom, but Buki doesn't care, the ring's only worth what she can get for it inside, although if Charlotte were to hand over her phonecards, she might be able to buy the rest of her clothes back, only for Charlotte to deduce that she'd only get them back until they were stolen again and hands the clothes back to Buki who leaves the cell.

WARNING!! Obvious 'Now you see the knife, now you don't' type moment here...Charlotte, left on her own, looks around the cell and the camera lingers on a plastic bag left on top of Crystal's locker...when Charlotte leaves the cell a few moments later...the bag is gone!!! Der, Der, DER!!! Duh! I wonder what she's gonna do with that!! It becomes even more obvious when she disappears straight up to the G2 toilets and locks herself into one of the cubicles before bursting into tears.

This disappearing act hasn't gone unnoticed by Babs and Yvonne...Yvonne by the way is sitting on the edge of the pool table and looking like the coolest cat as she throws a ball from one hand to the other...

Barbara : Poor girl...I've tried talking to her.
Yvonne : Yeah, but so's everyone else...if she's too far up her aristocratic arse to talk back then she can go shag herself!


Then, Yvonne notices that Buki's wearing Charlotte's scarf around her head and storms across the wing...

Yvonne : I thought I told you to burn that!
Buki : What's the point? We can get money out of her.
Yvonne : What?
Buki : Yeah...she knows she ain't gettin' it back n'all unless she keeps coughing up.
Yvonne : You've been blackmailing her?
Buki : (Shrugs)
Yvonne : YOU STUPID BITCH!


Yvonne runs up the stairs to the bathroom with Babs in tow and bangs into the toilets, checking every cubicle until she realises that the last one is locked...she looks over the neighbouring wall and we see Charlotte sitting there on the loo, she's put the bag over her head and has used her sweater to secure herself to the toilet cistern...and Yvonne's not the only one who says...

Yvonne : Shit!

Quite!

End of Part Two...

Anyone got any Pro-Plus???

Part Three...

A few days later, we're back in the officers' room and Karen's updating the troops...

Charlotte was found just in time and has been away recovering on the hospital wing, in view of the fact that it was Yvonne who found her and raised the alarm, Karen has decided to rescind her loss of remission...Gina seems to be stepping into Bodybag's shoes this episode...

Gina : It was Yvonne who made her depressed in the first place!

Oh and your comments had nothing at all to do with it, did they superscrew??? Karen of course is quick to slap Gina down...

Karen : Among others!

And Gina is left with a very guilty look on her face.

Anyway, Karen has decided to put Charlotte on 15 minute suicide watch, which isn't greeted well by the officers, but they have no choice really. Karen also announces that Josh will be starting later in the day...pause for a scary smile on the face of the woman that could give Glenn Close lessons in stalkiness.

Charlotte is shown back onto the wing, and just as she is settling back into her cell, Yvonne pays her a visit...she's still got that menacing look on her face and Charlotte, understandably, looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights as Yvonne turns to her and says...

Yvonne : Still rather be dead? (Charlotte looks down guiltily but doesn't reply) Well I'm glad you're not. (Charlotte looks up, incredulously) You gave me hell of a bloody fright!
Charlotte : Sorry.
Yvonne : (Softly) No...I'm sorry...I thought you were as hard as you made out, didn't I?
Charlotte : I hate my Father! (Voice begins to crack) If people only knew...he's a drunk you know? And my Mother...it's all shit! (Breaks down in tears)
Yvonne : (Steps forward and puts her arms around Charlotte, looking rather close to tears herself) You're one of us now...right?
Charlotte : I'm just the posh.
Yvonne : (Interrupted by the intercom, pulls away and takes Charlotte's face in her hands) I'll be back later.


Up in the visiting room, Buki receives a visit from...guess who??? Jude...and it was her who sent Buki that letter. She offers to pay Buki for information about Charlotte and hands her a cigarette packet with £200 in it...Buki asks for more but Jude tells her that she'll have to provide info first...Buki tells her about the suicide attempt and is then told that the cigarette packet also contains a camera...if she can get photos of Charlotte then she'll receive a hell of a lot more money.

Back on the wing, Di pays a visit to the dorm and tells Crystal that Josh will be arriving later that day...Crystal, justifiably, starts to panic and Di tries to reassure her before telling her that maybe they should keep the fact that she knows about her and Josh secret...Crystal agrees and thanks Di for helping...if only she knew!!!

Josh arrives and is greeted by Di who asks him how the course went before complimenting him on how good he looks in his uniform...she also notices that he's more than a little preoccupied...but I don't think anything would be able to knock the evil smile off her face...well, save for a baseball bat anyway!!

Meanwhile, Yvonne drags Shaz and Buki back to the dorm and they are forced to hand over Charlotte's clothes and ring and then grudgingly apologise...LMAO!! Just like a pair of naughty school kids!! All it needed was Yvonne to drag them into the cell by their ears!

Josh arrives on the wing...and imagine his surprise when he sees Crystal staring through the bars at him!! Di Barker observes this of course...bunny boiler!!!!

Charlotte's a lot like her old self...well...actually, she looks a bit like Nikki to tell you the truth...leaning against her bunk and smoking a cigarette with a moody look on her face, well, that's until Buki arrives back in the cell and Charlotte asks her to acquire her some drugs...Buki agrees and Charlotte offers her ring in payment.

Di begins to cross-examine Josh again...of course, we all know that she knows the true reason behind the fact that he's so down in the mouth that it's dragging somewhere down around his ankles...but she wants to show Josh how caring she is, well, at the same time as fishing for information about Crystal...

Josh : Did I see that Crystal girl back on the wing?
Di : Crystal Gordon? (Barking Moment music starts again) Yeah...she's turned out to be a revelation.
Josh : How come?
Di : (Faraway scary look) We all though that she'd reformed, but it turned out that she was hiding Denny and Shell when they escaped.
Josh : What?
Di : Doing heroin with them as well.
Josh : (Flabbergasted) Crystal? She's religious isn't she?
Di : Didn't stop her getting into trouble before...it just makes you wonder, you know? If it's all a front.


Di Barker!!! One of the lower reaches of hell is now reserved for you!! Burn the witch!! BURN! Where's Shell and her coffin when you need her???

Buki arrives back on the dorm to find Charlotte zonked out on the pills that she acquired earlier...awwww...nostalgic Zan moment there!! Anyway, this gives Buki the chance she's been looking for and she places a tin foil wrap of crack by Charlotte's face before reaching for the camera that Jude gave to her...say cheese Charlotte!!! After taking the photo, Buki goes outside and catches up with a woman who's about to be released the following day and offers her £100 if she takes the camera out with her.

Shit!

End of Part Three...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!

Part Four...

The photo hits the front page of the newspaper the following day...Karen jumps to the obvious conclusion but Mr Oily, in a rare moment of compassion, jumps to Charlotte's defence and points out that she was asleep when the photo was taken and that anyone could've planted the stuff there. Karen is swayed, but asks Di to piss test Charlotte and everyone else in the dorm.

On the wing, Babs and Charlotte are picking over the newspaper article...and....

WHOA!!! Huge continuity error!! Watch closely and you'll see a flash of the Larkhall rugby top just behind Babs who is sitting on one side of the table...a split second later, the camera pans back to Charlotte who is sitting on the other side of the table, and... the rugby top miraculously appears just behind her...wow!! It's just like that 'X-Files' episode with the kids who could move faster than the speed of light!!! And...have just watched this again and it gets worse...the top starts off behind Babs, walks past Charlotte...camera pans back to Babs and it's back behind her, and then back to Charlotte and it's behind her...fantastic!! LMAO!!!

Anyway, I digress...Babs reads out the article and it turns out that Charlotte's father - Lord Myddleton, has been quoted as saying that if that's what his daughter gets up to then she deserves everything she gets.

Across the wing, Yvonne turns up with a newspaper and slaps it down in front of Buki, demanding to know if she's got anything to do with it...quick as a flash, Buki spins a line about the woman who sneaked the camera out for her...saying that she was always asking about Charlotte and that it's a bit of a coincidence that the day after she gets out the photo is printed...Yvonne can't argue with Buki's logic, but it's clear that she doesn't believe a word that she's saying.

Josh takes the opportunity to speak to Crystal and asks for an explanation...she tells him that Shell and Denny turned up and she had no way of stopping them, but when she found out that they were taking drugs, she made them leave...she also tells him that the only reason they did turn up was because he told Denny that they were living together...and then reveals that it was Shell who turned her in...Josh, being the good bloke that he is, believes her, and forgives her...surely Di Barker has to admit defeat now? Well...I'm not sure about that, but the false smile she flashes at Crystal when she hears that her and Josh are back together nearly cracks her face.

Still all smiles (ahhhhh...ain't love grand??) Crystal comes across Shaz who is holding a postcard and looking rather puzzled...

Crystal : What you got there?
Shaz : A postcard...from me Auntie Nellie in Spain.
Crystal : Auntie Nellie? (Shaz shrugs and Crystal takes the postcard and reads it out) Having a great time...sorry you ain't here...love ya babe? (Looks at Shaz like she's a total spanner, which of course she is) That ain't from no Auntie Nellie! That's from Denny!
Shaz : Denny! (Takes postcard) She made it! She's in Spain!
Crystal : Yeah right, from a bed-sit in Kings Cross more like! It's fake!


It's made Shaz's day though!

Out on the wing, Babs has come up with a brilliant idea...why doesn't Charlotte claim her right to reply and send a letter to the newspaper explaining her side of the story? Charlotte admits that this is a good idea, but how is she going to get a letter out?? (Hmmmm...maybe the same way that Crystal got her letter out to 'The Guardian'? By posting it?) Have no fear though...a grinning Yvonne is already on the case!!!

Di 'nothing if not persistent' Barking catches Josh on his way home and suggests that they go out for a drink one night after work...he cries off, saying that he'd rather take it easy on his first week...she seems to take the hint and then changes her mind at the last minute...

Di : You live up Acton way don't you? Only I'm up there sometimes at the weekends...line dancing.

LMAO!!!! Well, we knew she was a raving fruitcake...that mental picture has just confirmed it!!!

Anyway, Di suggests that they meet up afterward and Josh, bless him, tries his best to squirm out of it but she completely steamrollers him into agreeing...eh up! It's the return of Larkhall's answer to Mrs Doyle...

"You do, you do, you do, you do, you do!"

The following day, Crystal is piss tested...she hands her sample to Di and makes her outrage quite clear...Di passes the buck by saying that she didn't authorise it...next up is Charlotte who objects in the strongest possible terms at having to piss while Di watches...she attempts to protect her dignity by admitting that she's taken cocaine in the past 24 hours, but Di's gonna make her piss anyway...and as she sits there on the loo with a martyred look on her face...Di smiles to herself as she caresses Crystal's sample...NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! She can't!!! What a bitch!!!

Back on the wing, Buki catches up with Shaz and Crystal...

Buki : Oi! Did they take the piss outta ya?

The following day?? Crystal finds Shaz mooning over the postcard...it seems that she's finally accepted that Denny couldn't have sent it from Spain and that she probably got one of her mates to post it for her...the two reflect on what the gruesome twosome are up to and then before we know it, the camera closes up on a picture of a harbour full of yachts in the postcard…

Yep...we're in Spain…the gruesome twosome have fallen on their feet alright and are sacked out sunbathing on a yacht owned by some dodgy looking Spanish geezer who's yakking away on a phone in the background while Shell and Denny sip cocktails...well, Denny finishes hers, makes the sound with her straw when the glass is empty before letting out a huge burp...

Shell : Can't take you anywhere, can I Den?
Denny : (Picks up cocktail jug) What's next then Shell?
Shell : I dunno...Between The Sheets?
Denny : Yeah! Larkhall prison piss-stained sheets!
Shell : Or what about A Long Comfortable Screw Against the Wall?
Denny : What's in that then?
Shell : Orange, vodka, Fenner's spunk and a cherry!
Denny : (Totally disgusted, as are all of us) Oh man! Do you know how gross that is?


They have a bit of a wrestle and a bit of a snog.

Talking about Fenner, he's listening in the officers' room as Karen regales them all with the letter that Charlotte sent into the paper...just like Crystal's letter in series 1, it completely rubbishes the prison, but I bet Karen won't catch the flak for it that Helen did!! Anyway Karen also makes the shock announcement that Charlotte passed her piss test...and...Crystal didn't!!! And while Josh has to struggle not to react, Di has a guilty look on her face.

Josh goes straight off to see Crystal and tells her that she's failed her test...she protests her innocence, but he's hearing none of it...as far as he's concerned, the test is infallible and he walks out on her, totally disgusted. She tries to follow but is pulled up by an extremely evil Di Barker who is completely out of character and openly nasty to poor Crystal...

Di : Disappointed in you is he? We all are.
Crystal : Miss...I've never done drugs in my life!


Di flags down a passing Charlotte and tells her that her test was clear, she's understandably shocked, but that's nothing to Crystal's total amazement...

Crystal : I never! There's been a mistake!
Di : You'd better clean up your act, otherwise you're going to be in here for a very long time!


The evil that is Di Barking leaves Crystal totally bereft, heart-broken, not to mention pissed off...while Charlotte stares after her, obviously more than a little suspicious.
 

Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)

Top Dog of the Week
Yes, you guessed it: Yvonne made her long-awaited return and not only showed her hard side, but also the compassion that makes her the Coolest Cat in Larkhall. And she came out quits, Betts deciding to rescind the loss of remission previously imposed.

KB showed good instincts in getting Buki to grass Yvonne up. Although it doesn't take Anne Robinson to spot the weakest link in the dorm.

Twatting Twat of the Week
Buki. OK she has no loyalty to Charlotte, but selling out your cellmate to a journo is slimebag behaviour. And when Yvonne discovers who really grassed her up...

Gina had some good lines, but her jealousy almost made Di look sane!

Josh - duh! I know you're not the sharpest tool in the box, but hello?! Your girlfriend is a devout Christian who has always been seriously anti-drugs. Just Say No to the mad bunny-boiler; no more Mr Nice Guy, please.

Weedy Pigeon of the Week
The Honourable Charlotte whatsherface. As Yvonne put it, she's too far up her "aristocratic arse" to get much sympathy. Even the suicide attempt left me unmoved; her only chance at redemption will be if she figures out Di's game.

Spin Doctor of the Week
Di made Crystal sound like a compulsive liar and stitched her up with the piss test.

Buki...manages to confess to the clothes hiding incident and gets away with it...grasses on Yvonne and gets away with it...takes photos of Charlotte and still manages to come up with a viable 'on the spot' excuse to appease Yvonne...she's got some brass neck this girl, I'll give her that!

Worst Girl of the Week
Di Barking, whispering poison to Josh and words of comfort to Crystal. And then to fiddle the urine test... she stoops lower than Fenner.

Best Line of the Week
Gina: We only put the red carpet out for your sort when you're opening prisons, not entering them.

Crystal: Kill Shell when I see her.
Fenner: Yeah, well I'll look the other way when you do.

Dawn: Can you give us a hand with these urns Crystal?
Di: Can you do it yourself, Dawn.
Dawn: They weigh a ton, miss. We've been told not to lift them on our own.
[hey,
two whole sentences, more than she's had in two whole seasons]

Worst line of the Week
Charlotte: Aren't you going to arrest them?

Di: I'll have a think; see what I can come up with.
[We just knew that was not A Good Thing]

Shell: Orange juice, vodka, Fenner's spunk and a cherry. [eeeeeeeewww!]

Di: You'd better clean up your act, otherwise you're going to be in here for a very long time! [Pure, undiluted evil!!]

Warring Faction of the Week
Yvonne and Charlotte. Hands up who was totally willing Yvonne to smack her one?

Crystal and Di...although Crystal doesn't know it yet.

Best Performance by an Extra
Dawn for stringing more than 2 words together, even if one of them was totally unintelligible.

Sight of the week
Gina Rossi grabbing her boyfriend's family jewels.

Yvonne stalking across the wing in black leather before going loco on the Posh.

Yvonne and Babs steaming up onto G2 like Cagney and Lacey.

Di Barking's expression when informed that Josh is joining G-Wing. Hats off to the scary facial acting by Tracey Wilkinson.

For the first time, we get to really appreciate the walking haystack that is Felicity

Not only the dreaded bunk of doom nearly claiming another victim, but we get a shot of Charlotte asleep in her bunk and it provided a very nostalgic Zandra moment.

Shaz's woolly hat...talk about a cross between Benny from 'Crossroads' and Tin-Tin!!

Charlotte sitting on the toilet with a martyred look on her face...how the mighty have fallen eh??

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
The Larkhall rugby top - now it's multiplying!!! Watch the breakfast conversation between Charlotte and Babs - it miraculously appears behind both of them and then walks past twice.

How the hell did Yvonne get "oooh, the Posh is going to top herself" from discovering Buki's blackmail?

Crystal must have been holding her wee for a week; did you see the size of that sample pot?

If Karen was concerned enough about Charlotte fitting in to make a point of asking the screws to keep an eye on her, why on earth was she assigned to the dorm?? Surely that was asking for trouble...personally, I would've thought that Babs would be the ideal cellmate.

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