Season 3, Episode 8: Uninvited Guests
Recap by Filbertfox

Synopsis

From the look of the trailers, this one looks like it might be a corker...so, let's recap with those questions from last week...

1. Will the Police realise that Shell appeared on 'Blankety Blank' last Saturday?
2. Will the Hooded Claw manage to outwit Penelope Pitstop and send her to her doom...er...sorry, wrong show...Will Fenner succeed in his evil plan to discredit Helen?
3. Will Helen finally succeed in sneaking Nikki out of Larkhall hidden up her trouser leg or will she be blown away by a stiff breeze first?

Hold on tight peeps, coz here we go...

Episode kicks off with the taxi carrying Shell and Denny arriving outside Kings Cross, trust them to pick the only cabbie in England not to activate his automatic locking system when the cab comes to a halt...our fugitives leg it without paying of course leaving the poor cabbie shouting after them...

Shell : Have this one on us! (Gives cabbie the finger)

And as they disappear into the night, suddenly, we're back at Larkhall...Bodybag, Fenner, Di and Gina (who is looking suspiciously pregnant) gather for a progress meeting - there is no sign of any of the three missing prisoners and the TV crew's van has gone...so, while they stand around and dither, our intrepid duo have made good on their escape and are now trawling through the back streets until they come across an old drug-dealer friend of Denny's - Gary - he takes an immediate shine to Shell and agrees to let the pair lie low back at his place for the night...he gives them his keys after Shell gives him the big come-on and the two set off to enjoy their first night of freedom.

Back at the prison, Shell's cell is being given a turn by Fenner and Gina...Gina find's the soundman's business card which raises a few eyebrows, and Fenner find's Shell's diary, which...er...doesn't...

Gina : Yeah, like she's really gonna write her escape plans in her diary! (Opens first page of diary) Sunday...must escape!

The search continues until Gina discovers the bar of soap under the mattress...Fenner feigns very obvious surprise...

Fenner : (Holding bar of soap) Bloody hell!

Downstairs, Helen and Karen run into a very worried Stubberfield...

Stubberfield : The media have already got wind of it.
Helen : Simon, the escape's mainly down to them in the first place! That documentary team was a bad idea from the start!
Stubberfield : There's absolutely no value in hindsight!
Helen : Shell Dockley was getting far too friendly with the soundman!
Stubberfield : I have no doubt that the Police will be asking him and his television friends a lot of questions! (Grabs Helen's arm and brings her to a halt) What we have to worry about are the questions that Area fire at us.
Karen : Yeah, well someone will be up against the wall, that's for sure.
Stubberfield : (Spots Fenner walking down the stairs) Well, this is the man on the spot.
Karen : You're not saying it was Jim's fault are you?
Stubberfield : Well, he was in charge.


My God!! The Fat Controller finally speaks sense...although the way Karen steps in to defend the vicious, lying, adulterer who she just happens to be playing hide the sausage with is absolutely sickening...Gawd!!

Back at Gary's place, Shell seems to have appropriated a bin-bag full of wigs...when did she and Denny get chance to raid a wig shop??? I shouldn't think a bag full of women's wigs is the sort of thing a drug-dealer keeps hanging around his flat in case of emergencies...anyway...the two have a bit of a laugh trying them on...

Shell : (Picking up curly, red clown type wig) I've always wanted to be a redhead!
Denny : Deadhead more like!


Denny herself has gone for a blonde number that resembles a burst mattress, she then picks up the TV remote and flicks through the channels until she finds a news bulletin reporting their escape...Denny, as you might expect, is more than a little excited...

Denny : Shag a fag! Shell! You gotta see this man!

Shell runs over, wearing the red wig...

Shell : I look like a bloody Muppet!

...and then collapses on the sofa next to Denny where the two collapse in hysterical laughter...although this may be something to do with the awful mug-shots that they're showing on the TV.

Back at the prison, Bodybag's doing her normal whining routine, but at least it's her day off tomorrow...Fenner breathes a sigh of relief when she trundles off and catches up with Karen who seems to have taken Stubberfield's suspicions to heart and informs Jim that she wants to cool things off between them until after the investigation...just as Fenner is about to protest, they are interrupted by a very out of breath Di Barker who informs them that Shaz has been picked up and is currently at the hospital...Karen runs off with Di and Fenner is left with that 'just shat a load in his kecks' look on his face that we've become quite used to over the past couple of episodes...oh shit!! Does Shaz know enough to drop Mr Oily in a vat of the brown stuff??? We can only hope!!

Back at Gary's...Shell is miming playing the guitar and head banging along to 'Song 2' by Blur while Denny goes after a line of the old Colombian marching powder like an anteater on the rampage...Gary arrives home then and takes great exception to the fact that his guests have been helping themselves to his cocaine...but it's not long before he has something more serious to worry about when he spots the news report on the TV...

Gary : That's you on the telly!
Denny : Yeah...it's been on all night...cool innit?


The news reporter goes on to describe Shell's crime, and Shell is more than a little pissed off when her full name is used...

Shell : (To TV) I ain't friggin' Michelle!
Gary : (After hearing what Shell was banged up for) Murder and torture? What the bastard hell did you do?
Shell : No need to go all puke faced over it! I didn't 'urt 'er anymore than she 'ad coming to 'er!
Gary : I reckon the Old Bill's onto me...I seen 'em...Shit! This ain't really the safest place to 'ang out, know what I mean?
Denny : You ain't said nothing before.
Shell : Yeah...he was after a shag before, weren't he? What's the matter Gary? Your brain givin' your bollocks the night off?
Gary : What?
Shell : (Pulls her top off and shows off her bra) I liked you better when your dick did the thinking!
Gary : You can stay the night and then you're out of here...alright?


Gary leaves the room and Shell and Denny collapse into more hysterics before collapsing into each other's arms.

Back at the prison, Bodybag's being philosophical...

Bodybag : Well, I suppose there's one good thing about today...seeing the back of Shell Dockley!
Di : (Notices Fenner walk into the room) I'm sure Jim more than anybody's glad to see the back of her.


Ooooh Di!! If only you knew!! But this complete stab in the dark has struck fear into the heart of Fenner...

Fenner : What's that supposed to mean? The last thing I want is an escaped murderer running about out there!

Fenner breaks the habit of a lifetime and apologises to Di immediately, blaming the stressful day...he also confides in the others that he's sure he's going to end up taking the blame for the escape because he was in charge when it happened. Bodybag, as per usual, immediately jumps to Fenner's defence and makes it quite clear that she blames Helen and the Lifers' Unit...unfortunately, Karen walks in at that point and gives Bodybag a bit of a bollocking, telling her that when Area interview her, she should stick to the facts...Fenner jumps in quickly here when he notices that Gina is flicking through Shell's diary...he draws Karen's attention to it and she takes it from Gina, announcing that she'll read it herself.

The following morning, Shell and Denny are getting ready to leave Gary's flat...they both seem to have settled on their choice of wigs now...Denny's gone for a short auburn wig that makes her look like she's wearing a dead ferret on her head, and Shell's gone for a jet-black, long wavy wig that makes her look like Morticia!! But, the second thing that struck me here is that they're a dead ringer for Sonny and Cher!! Anyway, Shell's letting her fingers do the walking and is flicking through the telephone directory...

Shell : I'm looking up an old friend, ain't I?
Denny : Who's that then?
Shell : There! (Points to address and hands the directory to Denny)
Denny : (Reading from directory) R J Hollamby, funeral directors...Bodybag!
Shell : Going by the 24 hour number, that's her home address...last place anyone's gonna look for us, eh?


Gary appears in the kitchen then...

Gary : You're not gone yet then?
Shell : Don't worry Gary, we're out of this shithole, but if you tell anyone we was 'ere I'll be back...(Grabs Gary's bollocks and he gasps in pain)...for these! (Gives them a good
twist)


The two leave then and Gary is left in considerable pain in the kitchen. Outside, they nearly run into a Police car, but manage to flatten themselves against the wall just in the nick of time...Denny's worried now, but Shell calms her down by revealing that she has a plan and that she's nicked a considerable amount of money from the shoebox that Gary kept under his bed...they then set off, presumably in the direction of Bodybag's.

Back at the prison, the Fat Controller is being questioned by a couple of big-wigs from Area...one of them, a Mrs Warner, looks like she's the sort to eat a bowl of nails for her breakfast and rips into Stubberfield big style...she makes it clear that she blames him for allowing the TV crew full access to the prison and he falls back on his usual defence...i.e. passing the buck by reminding her that she was the one who gave her approval for the documentary...he then goes on to make it clear that as far as he's concerned, the fault lies with the people below him, but she's obviously not convinced and the Fat Controller is left looking well and truly out of steam.

On the wing, the inmates are creating because they've been locked down since the escape...Buki in particular is extremely vocal and attracts the attention of a passing Gina Rossi...

Buki : This ain't right!
Gina : Yeah, and you're not right neither...in the 'ead!


Gina then crosses the wing to unlock Nikki and Babs' cell...you can hear a collective intake of breath as Mandana fans begin to hope that they might see their idol...but to no avail...superscrew is only after Babs...

Gina : Come on Babs! Aren't you the lucky one...Officers' tea duty!
Barbara : Well of course, the prisoners may be all banged up in their cells but God forbid the Officers should have to make their own tea!
Gina : You may be posh Babs but you still got a bog pan for a gob! Now put the seat down and get on with it!
Barbara : Just tell me, why is it that when the screws screw up, the prisoners have to suffer?
Gina : Because, you broke the law and we didn't!


Gina then drags Babs off in the direction of the officers' room...meanwhile, Karen confides in Fenner about Shell's diary...

Karen : Read Shell's diary last night.
Fenner : Oh?
Karen : Doesn't look good for Helen, gives the impression that her regime was slack to say the least.


Sorry Helen fans, I have to say this...however slack her regime, it'll never be as slack as her bloomin' trousers!!!

Fenner : I never thought she'd risk compromising the wing's security like that.
Karen : I suppose I'll have to hand it over to the Police.


And as if by magic, transported by her magic trousers...Helen appears...

Helen : Any developments?
Karen : No...nothing. (Exchanges a quick glance with Fenner and then heads off in the opposite direction to Helen)


Oh dear...things ain't looking too good for everyone's favourite piece of Scottish totty are they?? Well, not while Fenner continues to play the gullible and gorgeous Guv like a violin.

Anyway, Shaz is escorted onto the wing on crutches...Tiny Tim walks again!! God bless us one and all!! As you might imagine, Fenner's not exactly that pleased to see her and escorts her to a single cell...Shaz is a bit pissed off about this, but as a captured escapee, it's all she can expect...but unintentionally or not, she manages to knock the wind right out of Fenner's sails...

Shaz : Not my fault if you're gonna let us do a runner, is it?

Fenner locks her into the cell with a distinctly uneasy look on his face.

On the outside, Sonny and Cher...sorry, Denny and Shell are standing in a bus shelter opposite Bodybag's house...these two definitely wouldn't pass an audition for 'Mastermind' because they're both wearing sunglasses and looking so dodgy and conspicuous they might as well be wearing black masks, stripy jumpers and be carrying bags with 'SWAG' written across them...from their vantage point, they watch as Bobby cranks up the hearse and Bodybag runs out of the house to climb in the front seat...

Denny : Shit! She's goin' shoppin' in a hearse man!

And as the hearse pulls away, Shell turns to Denny...

Shell : Come on, this is it!

They run across the road and through the gate of the house.

End of Part One...

Am off for a fag and to type a quick e-mail...back in a mo...

Part Two...

Back at Bodybag's...Denny manages to throw a couple of bricks which have been conveniently left outside Bodybag's kitchen window through the glass without managing to attract the attention of her neighbours and then climbs through to let Shell through the back door. The two go straight up to Bodybag's bedroom and begin to rifle through her wardrobe, Shell is delighted when she finds a Prison Officer's hat, a belt and a chain...

Shell : 'Ere, do you reckon 'er old man makes her dress up for 'im?

But Denny's busy rooting around in a bedside cabinet, and under a pair of Bobby's pyjamas, discovers two pairs of handcuffs which of course makes the two deduce that Bodybag's into S&M and then speculate on her sex life...

Denny : Bet she makes him dip it in disinfectant before he gives 'er one!
Shell : (Jumps onto the bed) Whatever them two get up to...(Picks up leather belt)...I reckon we could be in for a bit of role-reversal...what do you say?


We leave the pair of them bouncing up and down on the bed and giggling excitedly.

On the wing, the screws are delivering lunch to the inmates who are all still locked in their cells and most pissed off about it...again, Buki makes her displeasure known to Gina Rossi, superscrew and sticks her arm through the hatch to reveal that she's been playing noughts and crosses with a knife again...

Buki : Look what you done to me!
Gina : You done it to yourself you soft cow! Eat your lunch!


Fenner decides to take advantage of the fact that the inmates are on lock-down by going to speak to Shaz, who by the way, looks like she's stuck her fingers in an electrical socket...her hair is more upwardly mobile than usual and with the light coming through the window behind her, looks like she's wearing a pissed off porcupine on her head...

Fenner : What did you mean...I let you do a runner?
Shaz : (Shrugs and pulls a face) Let's face it, if you lot had been up to your jobs there's no way we woulda got as far as that van, never mind clear off into town!
Fenner : Just tell me how you did it...how you got the key cut.
Shaz : Forget it! I'm not a grass!
Fenner : Look, Shaz...I know it wasn't your idea to do a runner...come clean, tell me what you know and I'll have a word with the Governor.
Shaz : (Looking up at Fenner like he's just broken into a chorus of 'I Feel Pretty') No way!
Fenner : Right...suit yourself! (Leaves the cell)


It seems that Fenner's off the hook because it's pretty obvious that Shaz doesn't know anything about his involvement...but he still has a bit of a wobbly moment when he comes across Karen who is showing a couple of Police detectives onto the wing so that they can interview Shaz...he tells them that they're wasting their time but Karen more or less tells him to mind his own business before taking the detectives over to Shaz's cell.

Over at Chez Hollamby...Shell and Denny have dressed themselves up in Bodybag's PO uniforms and have discovered that Bobby keeps his coffins in the garage...by the way...Shell looks unspeakably evil dressed up in the PO's cap and a pair of knee length leather boots...talk about Fraulein Dockley of the Gestapo!! Denny however, swigs from a bottle of wine while Shell scopes out the garage...

Shell : Must be right under the bedroom! Imagine bonkin' over this place! (Notices a closed coffin laid out) Eh...what do you reckon?
Denny : Nah! No way man!
Shell : Come on! It ain't tossin' Transylvania!
Denny : Yeah, but they might've been in a car crash or something...I don't wanna see that!
Shell : I thought you were meant to be 'ard! (Lifts the coffin lid and lets out a terrified scream, sending Denny scuttling for the door before starting to laugh) It's empty!


Hmmmm...it's less Sonny and Cher and more Dr Frankenstein and Igor now...I can't help but think of 'Carry On Screaming'...Frying tonight!!!

Back at the prison, Helen is being interviewed by scary Mrs Warner (who I remember once having a lesbian fling with Zoe Tate in 'Emmerdale') and her sidekick...

Helen : The Lifers' Unit is in the best interests of the prisoners and the prison.
Area Bloke : It wasn't met with universal support though, was it?
Helen : There's always someone who doesn't like change, and in my experience, not usually for the best of reasons.
Area Bloke : Some of your colleagues feel you were...shall we say...overly concerned about the prisoners.
Helen : I care! (Turns to Mrs Warner) Some people don't like that!
Mrs Warner : Perhaps you care too much, is that possible Miss Stewart?
Helen : I don't believe it is...now what's your point?
Mrs Warner : There's nothing wrong with caring, but this is a prison, what we can't afford is carelessness.
Area Bloke : (Produces Shell's diary from a file) This diary belongs to Michelle Dockley...her comments about the Lifers' Unit suggest that its running was lax and careless.
Helen : I can assure you that there's never been anything lax or careless about my lifer's meetings and there's never been anything about my work that has been anything other than professional.
Area Bloke : I'm glad to hear it.
Helen : (Totally pissed off now) Well don't take my word for it, ask any of the prisoners on the unit!
Mrs Warner : That doesn't seem to be Michelle Dockley's opinion.
Helen : I don't see how you can trust the word of an escaped prisoner Mrs Warner! If I was given to conspiracy theories I might almost start to believe that I was being set up!
Area Bloke : Come on Miss Stewart!
Helen : Shell Dockley keeps grudges...not diaries...now, if she did get a key made from the impressions on that tablet of soap then she must've got it done on the outside.
Area Bloke : So?
Helen : So, it was found in her cell, under her mattress...now, are you telling me that she wanted the soap back again for bath time?


Excellent deduction there Agent Mulder...er...sorry, Helen...put that in your pipe and smoke it Mr Fenner!!!

Meanwhile, Bodybag arrives back home alone with her shopping, and as she's putting her frozen chicken in the freezer, she hears a noise in the garage and trundles off to investigate...she notices that the coffin lid isn't on straight and goes to straighten it...receiving the shock of her life when Shell pops up out of it like the Bride of Frankenstein with her arms held out in front of her...Bodybag screams in pant-filling terror and falls to the ground where she is covered with a blanket by Denny. LMAO!!! I ended up rewinding this scene about 5 times...the look on Bodybag's face is totally hilarious!!!

Back on the wing...Agent Mulder...er sorry...Helen, confides in Karen that she's aware of a global conspiracy involving shape changing aliens and...er, no she doesn't...

Karen : You've been set up?
Helen : Shell's diary, soap under the bed...come on, it's just so perfect.
Karen : (Sceptically) Alright then...so who?
Helen : I don't know...a prisoner maybe? Or an Officer.


Karen takes a deep breath and considers this...

Karen : Are you suggesting Mulder...

No, what she really says is...

Karen : Someone forged Shell's handwriting and logged six weeks worth of entries to set you up? (Laughs in disbelief) That's Hollywood Helen!

Fenner interrupts then and is not pleased when he is told that Area are now investigating a possible conspiracy against Helen...apparently, forensic tests will prove whether or not the entries in the diary were made day by day or all in one go...Fenner makes it clear that he thinks the whole thing is a waste of time, but when he turns away to turn the kettle on, we see that he's absolutely bricking his pants!!! The detectives arrive back from interviewing Shaz then and tell Karen that she doesn't know anything, despite acting like she does but is keeping her mouth shut...so they'll be falling back on interviewing friends, family and known associates because they'll most probably be lying low with a friend somewhere...little do they know!!!

Back at Bodybag's...Shell's snorting a line, and Denny's obviously gotten over Shaz pretty sharpish because...

Denny : If you were a screw back at Larkhall I'd want to shag the arse off ya!

This obviously pleases Shell because she leans in for a snog and is not pleased when she's interrupted by Bodybag carrying on...they've tied her up, gagged her and stuffed her in the cupboard under the stairs!! Shell storms into the hall and swings the door open...

Shell : Can't you keep friggin' quiet for five friggin' minutes!! (Kicks Bodybag and then crouches down, brandishing a knife) Make another noise, so much as a whimper and I'll cut yer tits off and feed 'em ya...right? (Sees by the terrified look on Bodybag's face that she's got the message and leans closer) Thought you was clever did ya? Locking me in a cell with Mad Tessa, gettin' me beat up by Podger Pam...have a good laugh did ya? You'll be laughing on the other side of your face by the time I've finished with you, you old cow!

A car is heard pulling up into the driveway then...Bobby's home in the nick of time to rescue his damsel in distress...but Shell and Denny have obviously planned this out because Shell dives into the cupboard to keep Bodybag quiet while Denny grabs a golf-club and then goes to lie in wait in the living-room...Bodybag is forced to watch through a crack in the door as Bobby walks into the hall, calling out her name...he becomes preoccupied with a letter he's opening and doesn't notice Denny slide across the hall with the golf-club...we get a Hitchcock type close-up of Bodybag's eye then, wide-open and terrified as she watches Denny sneaking up on her hubby...and then...

THWACK!

Denny gets a hole in one and the eye closes dramatically!!!

End of Part Two...

YAWN!!

Part Three...

Back at Chez Hollamby...Bobby's flat out with a bleeding head and Bodybag fears that Denny might have killed him, Denny points out that he's still breathing and the rotund one begs for a Doctor...Denny's not having any of it and gets incredibly pissed off when Bodybag starts trying to guilt trip her and warns her that she better do exactly what they say...she agrees, totally terrified and Denny's chuffed...

Denny : That's a good Bodybag!

Shell walks into the room then to check on Bobby and gives him a kick to wake him up...

Shell : Wakey wakey Grandad! (Looking more like a psycho every minute)
Bodybag : I hope you burn in hell!
Shell : Yeah? Well I'm gonna get my fun in while I can then...ain't I? (Produces a French Maid's outfit...what??? LMAO!!) I found this upstairs...(Produces a frilly apron)...and this in the ironing pile...(Throws them at Bodybag) Get 'em on!
Bodybag : What?


Bobby starts to come round then and a frantic Bodybag tells him that they'll be okay as long as they do what the mad twins tell them to do...Shell tells Bodybag to get changed into the French Maid's outfit again, this time threatening Bobby with the golf-club...

Shell : Do you want me to send Bobby bye-byes again?

Bodybag eventually agrees and stands up, but Denny's got more humiliation up her sleeve...

Denny : Maybe we should give her a full body search.

Bodybag is forced to plead...and I'm starting to feel sorry for her...held hostage by a pair of cokeheads hell bent on revenge...Shell's not taking no for an answer though and threatens Bodybag with the golf-club...

Shell : Strip! Everything off! (Wild, poppy psycho eyed look) And then spread 'em!

Fortunately, we're spared the sight of this because the next scene shows Bodybag dressed up in her French Maid's outfit...the gruesome twosome have obviously just been served dinner and she's coming around with the dessert trolley...well...a few lines of coke on a silver tray actually and is forced to curtsey after placing the tray down in front of Shell. The tray is then taken to Denny, and just as she's about to have a sniff, Bobby decides to stick his oar in...

Bobby : That stuff will kill you! Although not quickly enough!

Bodybag has a panic attack about this thinking that he's in for another golf lesson, but Shell's in the mood for a wind-up...

Shell : Tell me...what was it first made you decide to be an undertaker?
Denny : Gettin' a big car?
Shell : Givin' the odd bod a quiet poke!
Bobby : You're sick!


Shell responds by banging Bobby's head back against the chair he's tied to...Bodybag tries to run in to protect her beloved, but is grabbed by Shell and forced into an arm lock before being taken back to the cupboard for the remainder of the night. Shell returns to the dining-room...

Shell : Enjoying yourself Bobby?
Bobby : I need to go to the bathroom.
Shell : You can piss yourself!
Denny : (Gets up) I'm not 'avin' 'im stinkin' the place out man!


Denny leaves then to take Bobby to the toilet and Shell is left alone in the dining-room, not for long though because the Hollamby's daughter phones and leaves a message on their answer phone...Shell ain't impressed...

Shell : Bog Off!

Talking of which...Denny has tied Bobby down to the loo with his hands behind his head...

Denny : There...that'll stop you wanking!

Bobby tries to talk Denny around by offering her money to leave them alone, he's got 500 quid stashed in the house apparently...but the gruesome twosome have already found it and taken it, so it looks like Bobby's in for an uncomfortable night on the bog. Shell's ready for bed, and she comes up to check on Denny's progress before dragging her off to bed...not without a final word of advice for Bobby...

Shell : Just remember you...no noise...(Brandishes knife)...or you'll be pissing through a tube!

Back at the prison...Karen and Fenner leave for the night, Stubberfield's on his way home too and he says goodnight to Karen but pointedly ignores Fenner who takes this to mean that he's the one who's going to be made the scapegoat for the escape...Karen tries to calm him down...

Karen : You're beginning to sound as paranoid as Helen!

She manages to convince him that he'll be okay and the two leave in separate cars.

The next day, Helen arrives to talk to Shaz and tries a bit of psychology by playing on the fact that Shaz is missing Denny by trying to convince her that if she grasses then Denny will be brought back to G-Wing...Shaz is wise to this and refuses to play ball, so Helen tries another angle and tells Shaz that it's only a matter of time before Shell and Denny are caught...Bingo! Shaz gets all cocky and informs Helen that's unlikely because Shell's too clever to stay with any of her old mates, she's got other plans...

Shaz : Someone's gonna get a surprise visit.
Helen : Who?
Shaz : Put it this way, an old friend's gonna be sorry that she pissed Shell off!
Helen : (Realises she's caught Shaz out) She?


Shaz realises that she's given one clue too many, but it's too late.

Back at Bodybag's...the woman in question is serving up tea while Denny and Shell have a snog...she then tries to talk the gruesome twosome round by explaining that what she does at Larkhall is just her job, she only follows orders...she then tries to apologise for anything she might have done to upset them, and it's clear that she's totally sincere...Denny and Shell regard her for a moment before breaking down in hysterical giggles...more so when the phone rings again and Karen Betts gets through to the answer phone...as she leaves a message demanding to know where Bodybag is, Denny and Shell stick the 'Vs' up at the answer phone and Bodybag humiliated and frightened out of her wits begins to cry.

In Karen's office, she bangs the phone down, pissed off that Bodybag appears to have gone AWOL when Helen suggests that maybe they should contact the Police just in case Shell and Denny have decided to even up a few old scores...blimey!!! Talk about missing her vocation!! Dress her up in a twin-set and pearls and you've got a dead-ringer for Miss Marple!

Bobby meanwhile is making a frantic bid for escape and is rocking from side to side on the toilet, trying to tip it over so that he can free his hands...unfortunately, he is discovered by Shell...

Shell : Sorry...were you having a crap?

It seems that Shell's decided that they might get a few quid for Bobby's watch and she takes it from him...but, observant as ever, notices the loose screws on the toilet and puts two and two together...her head goes pop then and she decides to teach him a lesson...namely, taking him downstairs and forcing him to climb into the empty coffin in the garage...she then threatens Bodybag with the knife and forces her to screw the lid down. But Shell ain't finished yet...she then handcuffs Bodybag to the garage door...

Bodybag : Come on...you've had your fun!
Shell : Fun? I ain't even started yet!


And Bodybag's not the only one to be chilled to the bone by that comment...but it gets worse...Shell picks up a can of petrol and pours it all over the coffin...Bodybag's panicking now and even Denny's got the feeling she's in over her head...

Denny : Come on Shell! This is gettin' serious now!
Shell : Course it is...(Picks up a rag and lights it)...cremations ain't no laughing matter.


Just in the nick of time, the Police arrive and hear screaming from the garage as Shell sets the coffin alight...and as Shell stands there, laughing evilly through the flames, you really do begin to understand why the judge at her trial called her 'evil personified'.

Anyway, as the Police arrive through the back door and extinguish the coffin, Shell and Denny make a getaway in the hearse, ensuring they won't be followed by spiking the tyres of the Police car with the knife...

End of Part Three...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

Part Four...

In the officers' room, Fenner receives a summons for his interview with the bods from Area...Karen's her usual supportive self...

Karen : Just tell them the truth.

And Helen's a complete cynic...

Helen : Some chance!

Check out the look Karen gives Helen here, it's on a par with one of the evil glares Di Barker's been bandying about the past few episodes...well well, looks like we might get that confrontation sooner rather than later.

Shell and Denny have parked the hearse up in a cemetery, obviously in an attempt to look inconspicuous...the wigs are back on too but things have taken a slightly more serious turn because Denny's got a huge problem with Shell's barbecue a Bobby stunt...

Denny : You're a shittin' nutter Shell! You coulda killed 'im!
Shell : So? I'm a killer ain't I? I got a reputation to keep up!


The two check their funds and make plans to sell Bobby's watch...but what are they going to do with the hearse??

Denny : We gotta dump this...I don't like it, it's bad luck!
Shell : And I need somewhere else to hang out.


LMAO!!! From the look of that Morticia wig, I would've thought a cemetery was the ideal place to hang out!!

But Denny's got an idea and suggests that they go and stop at Crystal's...

Shell : Crystal friggin' Gordon? (Looks away when Denny nods) Gordon friggin' Bennett!

Well...it looks like Mr Teflon's going to get away with it yet again...Fenner's very convincing in front of the Area bods...firstly by deflecting blame for negligence towards the other officers on duty because they should've been able to cope without him, and then by telling them that there's no way he'd let Shell escape after what she did to him...he's a tad too convincing though because the bloke from Area immediately twigs that Fenner's 'overwrought' and suggests that maybe he's not been working to the best of his abilities since the attack...ooops!! Looks like Fenner might be in for the high-jump...don't all break open that champagne at once!!!

Meanwhile, Crystal gets the shock of a lifetime when she opens her front door...

Shell : Alright Crystaaaaaaaaaaaaal!

Crystal allows Shell and Denny into the house and makes them a cup of tea but refuses to let them stay...Josh is away on his PO's course, but if the Police find out that they've been there he'll be in deep trouble...

Shell : Shame, we coulda been a bit of homework for him!

Up in Karen's office, the woman in question pours Fenner a healthy dollop of whiskey and listens sympathetically when Fenner tells her that he's sure that he's going to be the one made a scapegoat yet again...Karen reassures him and then gets a bit of a faraway look in her eye...

Karen : I see what you mean about Helen...I think she's got it in for you.
Fenner : Well it looks like she's got her way, doesn't it?


It appears that Shell and Denny have persuaded Crystal to let them stay the night, but Shell nearly blows it when she asks Denny to roll them a spliff...Crystal immediately goes into an anti-drugs tirade that receives the normal response from Shell...

Shell : Don't set your tits on fire!

After all of the excitement of the past couple of days, Shell's a tired ickle bunny now and heads off to bed...Crystal takes the opportunity to try to persuade Denny to go because she knows Shell has got drugs on her, and anyway 'she's evil'...Denny promises her that it will just be for one night and then they will leave...unfortunately, Shell heard the entire conversation from outside the door...now that she's got her evil reputation back, I shouldn't think she'll let Crystal get away with dissing her.

The following morning, the Area bods inform the Fat Controller that the TV soundman has been charged with aiding and abetting the escape...Stubbsy thinks he's home and dry when he hears this, but then has the wind well and truly knocked out of his sails when he is informed that they plan to make changes 'at the top'...doesn't bode well for the old git does it??? Oh well, at least he's got a new role as Ian Beale's father in law in 'Eastenders'!!!

Back at Crystal's...Shell and Denny are preparing to leave, and inform Crystal that they intend on travelling up to Scotland to stay with Shell's aunt...on the premise of forgetting to pick the money up, Shell disappears into Crystal's bedroom and hides some drugs underneath her pillow...she then picks up the phone and asks for the Police...informing them that Crystal's the one who's been harbouring the escapees.

What a bitch eh???

Denny and Crystal say goodbye on the doorstep...Crystal's obviously relieved to see the back of them, but she wishes Denny luck...Shell's soon back from her phone call and hurries Denny up...

Shell : (Mrs Doubtfire accent) We've got to catch that bus to haggis land!

The two leave then and Crystal thinks that all of her troubles are over...WRONG!! It looks like they've only just begun!

At the prison, Fenner arrives for his shift and runs into the Fat Controller on his way out...

Fenner : You okay Simon? You look awful.
Stubberfield : This is what a man looks like when he's been forced to fall on his sword. Area Management need a scapegoat and I'm it!


Okay, some points here...

1. Was anyone else thinking Nasty Nick from 'Big Brother' - 'You live by the sword, you die by the sword'???

2. Who's gonna take over as Number 1?

3. What's Fenner going to do now his old golf crony isn't in charge?

4. How the fuck did Fenner manage to get away with it yet again???

Back at Crystal's...she receives the second shock of a lifetime in 2 days when she opens the door to see a load of coppers standing on her doorstep...

While...

It's more wigs akimbo at the airport...Shell actually looks quite elegant and refined in her wig, complete with Betts type suit...Denny, who is similarly dressed, has again drawn the short straw because her red bob makes her look like a drag queen!!

Shell : You wait til we get to the Costa Del Sol! Sun, Sangria and sex!

Okay, so now we're wondering how a pair of escaped prisoners are going to get themselves on a plane to Spain...

Shell : Hope you've got your passport...Miss Babs Hunt.
Denny : No worries...Miss Nicola Wade!
Shell : Worth every penny!


How much do dodgy passports cost??? I have no idea, but I think it may be a tad more than the 500 they stole from Bodybag's and the handful of notes they teefed from Gary...not to mention the cost of the air tickets and the new clothes...nice touch with the names though!!! And at least we finally have proof...Nikki is officially short for Nicola!!
 

Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)

Top Dog of the Week
Shell. Evil personified indeed.

Helen realised that Fenner was trying to stitch her up like a kipper. Her chat with Shaz saved the Hollambys' lives. The very thought of Bodybag owing her life to our favourite Scot... how will she repay her?!

Twatting Twat of the Week
Stubberfield - and yay! - he finally got his comeuppance. We've had negligence, assaults, drugs, medical incompetence, suicide, a baby on the roof, 2 hostage crises, and a murder... but finally the Fat Controller couldn't smarm his way out of a G-Wing disaster.

I'm sorry, it really has to be done...Karen...(FF runs off to revive Coops who has fainted with shock!!)...how much more gullible can this woman be?? Even the Julies would be able to give her a run for her money in the brain cell stakes!! Fenner not only manages to have her feeling sorry for him, he also manages to completely turn her against Helen...as from this moment, I abdicate from the role of chief Karen defender in utter disgust.

Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Sylvia & Bobby. As if doing the weekly shopping in a hearse wasn't bad enough, they then suffered further humiliation at psycho Shell's hands and came within seconds of a premature cremation.

Shaz - she doesn't even know it but Denny's slipped into old habits with Shell.

Soundman Chris, charged with aiding and abetting.

Crystal...gets the shock of a lifetime when Shell and Denny turn up on her doorstep, allows them to stay despite the obvious objections, is callously dropped in it by Shell and then gets an even bigger shock when the rozzers turn up on her doorstep...oh well, at least it wasn't the 'Daz' doorstep challenge...that's enough to send even the most committed Christian screaming into the night!!

Spin Doctor of the Week
Fenner - he looked to be on dodgy ground for a while, but Stubbsy took the fall and Jim managed to make Helen look vindictive. Can't see her and Karen combining to catch him out now.

Helen, who bodyswerved Fenner's setup quite nicely and pointed out the glaring flaw in the soap evidence.

Worst Girl of the Week
Dockley took revenge to new heights with sadistic pleasure, even setting up poor Crystal. Coke-fuelled Denny was back to series 1 levels of menace and shagging Shell to boot.

Best Line of the Week
Gina: You might be posh Babs, but you've still got a bog pan for a gob. Now put the seat down and get on with it.

Denny: I bet she makes him dip it in disinfectant before he gives her one.

Karen: All you can tell them is the truth, Jim.
Helen: Some chance.

Shell: Crystal friggin' Gordon? Gordon friggin' Bennett!

Jim: I'd have her swinging from a tree after what she did to me.
[chosen for its poetic cadence]

Shell: Say hello to everyone for us. [And Crystal soon found out exactly what she meant]

Worst Line of the Week
Shell: I liked you better when your dick did the thinking.

Karen [to Jim]: Have a drink and forget it.
[yep, great advice to Larkhall's resident pisshead]

Denny: You know what, Shell? If you was a screw at Larkhall, I'd shag the arse off you. [so much for I love you Shaz, I'll come back for you]

Shell: Cremations ain't no laughing matter. [Evil personified or what?]

Warring Faction of the Week
The Hollambys and the escapees. Star turns from all four with special mention for Helen Fraser... really felt for poor Sylvia as she looked upon Bobby's pyre helplessly.

Best Performance by an Extra
The policewoman. She can fight fires convincingly enough, but Marion Jones she ain't. Her style was more Dippy Dom than Cathy Freeman.

Sight of the Week
Shell in uniform - Olga the bitch screw, anyone?

Shell's face as she torched the coffin - and Denny looking on worriedly.

Stubberfield's face! GUTTED!!

Sorry, has to be said again...Helen's trousers...talk about 'Rent a Tent'!!

Denny's face when Shell opens the coffin...Bodybag's face when Shell bursts out of the coffin...anyone else thinking 'Carry on Screaming'???

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
Is it me, or is Shell obsessed with tits? All her threats involve force-feeding their breasts to her victims... I'm sure Dr Yes-Yes would have something to say about that.

And something that should have remained a Larkhall mystery: Far more information than we needed about the Hollambys' love life.

What happened to the cabbie's automatic locking system??

Gina Rossi has a very obvious bump...we know that in real life the actress who plays her was pregnant while filming, but it isn't until later in the series that this is written into the script...unless of course she's started keeping the fabled 'Mark' up her jumper so she doesn't have to be separated from him at work!!

Where did the bag of wigs appear from?? Did Shell and Denny raid a wig shop on their way to Gary's...or is a bin-bag of women's wigs the sort of thing your average drug-dealer keeps hanging around his flat in case of emergencies??

How convenient...not only does Denny discover two bricks left outside the Hollamby's kitchen window...she also manages to smash it without any of the neighbours hearing.

How much do dodgy passports cost these days??? I have no idea but I'm guessing it might be more than the 500 stolen from the Hollamby's and the handful of notes pilfered from Gary...talk about poundstretchers!! They also seem to have enough to buy airline tickets and posh threads too!!

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