Season 3, Episode 7: The Great Escape
Recap by Filbertfox
After last week, we were left asking ourselves the following
1. Can we get through another episode without Yvonne?
2. Will we ever see Nikki's 'fabled' hat?
3. Will Helen report Fenner for the crotch grabbing incident?
4. Does Helen buy her trousers from 'Rent a Tent'?
5. Can Di Barker get any more scary?
Anyway, hopefully they will all be answered this week...so, put on your
party trousers because Iíve got a one way ticket on the freedom bus to
oblivion and Iím taking you all with me!!!
Episode starts in the screw's locker room where Bodybag is holding
Bodybag : All I needed was two fat ladies and I'd've got Jimmy's
For all of you non-Brits out there, you can breathe a sigh of relief
because she's not actually relating her bizarre sexual practices...she's
actually talking about one of our fine British institutions - namely,
Bingo...'two fat ladies' is the number '88' and Jimmy's jackpot...well,
maybe she is talking about her bizarre sexual fantasies...anyway Bodybag
and Gina leave the locker room then and Di decides to be completely
Barking and has a root around Josh's locker...she's having a good sniff
of his liquid shoe polish with an expression close to ecstasy on her
face when Fenner walks in...Di hurriedly closes said locker and makes an
excuse about Gina leaving her jacket behind...Fenner's clearly on
another planet because he seems to swallow said pathetic explanation,
although he does glance rather significantly in the direction of Josh's
locker when Di flees the room.
Out in the corridor, Helen is in the process of letting herself through
one of the gates when Fenner catches up with her...she tries to slam the
gate in his face but he isn't having any of it...
Helen : Don't even talk to me!
Fenner : (Pushes his way through the gate) What? Not even to apologise?
I'm sorry...I...I shouldn't have blown up like that.
Helen : You assaulted me.
Fenner : Oh cut the text-book politics will you?
Helen : (Losing her temper but she's obviously terrified too) Well what
would you call it Jim? A friendly grope between colleagues?
Fenner : Apology accepted then?
Helen : You're a shit Fenner! And if I thought I had an iota of a chance
of anyone believing what happened Iíd get you sacked in a second!
Fenner : Finished?
Helen : Yeah, I am for now. (Goes to walk away)
Fenner : (Grabs Helen's shoulder) Look, things have been a little bit
tough for me or had you forgotten.
Helen : (Pushes Fenner's hand away, completely outraged) Just get out of
my way! (Pronounced 'Get outta ma way', coz she's Scottish, innit?)
Fenner : (Moving closer and beginning to lose his temper) I wake up
dripping with sweat every night!
Helen : Oh my heart bleeds!
Fenner : I have panic attacks every time I walk through those gates!
Helen : It is nothing you didn't bring on yourself!
Fenner : Ah, but you see I blame you Helen, because every time I walk in
here I have to face the evil cow who came that far...(holds thumb and
forefinger an inch apart)...from killing me!
Helen : (Totally pissed off now) Well let's just hope that next time
she's THAT much luckier!
Helen walks away and leaves Fenner having another attack of the dreaded
Next scene, we're gifted with the sight of Karen Betts...she's in the
officers' room telling the assembled screws that a production company
called 'Kickin' Productions' will be in Larkhall shooting a 'fly on the
Karen : All I know is they arrive next week and the show is called
This is met by a few rumbles and a lot of laughter, Bodybag is the first
to voice her disapproval...
Bodybag : As if this lot didn't think they were celebrities already!
Gina : I dunno...this could be your big break Sylv, look at whatshername
on that driving programme.
But Gina's sarcastic comment has obviously zipped over ye Olde Bodybag's
head like a low-flying jumbo...
Bodybag : (Coyly) Oh give over!
Okay, this weeks 'Larkhall Award for Irony' is presented to Di
'completely' Barking for the following howler...
Di : Yeah, well I don't like the idea of people I don't know watching
LMAO!!! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black Miss sitting outside
Josh's house at all hours Barker!!!
Karen informs the screws that the crew will only be filming those
inmates and officers who have given their permission to be filmed and
that she'll be making that clear to them...Bodybag still ain't convinced
Bodybag : As if we haven't got enough to do as well as entertaining
the nation to boot!
Helen arrives then, and boy does she look rough...top acting by Simone
Lahbib here I must add...she looks every inch the victim as she asks to
have a private word with Karen...could she be about to drop Mr Oily in
it up to his neck?? Let's hope so!! Fenner obviously thinks this is the
case too because he watches Karen leave the room with a face that
suggests that he's just shat a load in his pants...hope you're wearing
your bicycle clips Fenner!!!
Up in Karen's office...
Helen : So how are you and Jim getting on?
Karen : (Confused) I assumed this was about you.
Helen : I take it you're still seeing him.
Karen : Yes...(slightly irritated)...although I don't see what it's got
to do with you.
Helen : (Anguished) Is it serious?
Karen : It's going...very well, so well that we're thinking of moving in
Ooops, looks like Helen's not going to receive much support if she
confides in Karen, who else is there left that she can turn to??
By the way...you don't need to be Magnus bloody Magnusson to work out
that something is extremely wrong with Helen...she looks like she's
about to burst into tears at any moment; she's pale, drawn and tired
looking - basically, she looks like a woman with the weight of the world
on her shoulders...so, bearing this in mind, do we believe for a second
that Karen might not notice that there's something seriously wrong???
Maybe she's been listening to so much of Fenner's bullshit that she's
lost the observation part of her brain...well obviously, she believes
that British TV's answer to JR Ewing is all sweetness and bloody
light...someone put the bloody woman right!!
Out in the garden, we finally get that much awaited shot of Nikki
wearing the 'fabled' hat...and...Itís...a black baseball cap and it
looks bloody awful!!! Anyway, she's pushing along a wheelbarrow full of
bedding plants when she espies Helen through the gate...
Nikki : Hey! Missed you! You don't write, you don't phone...(notices
that all is not well with Helen as she turns away to unlock the
Helen : (Looks as though she's about to burst into tears) It's nothing.
Nikki : Don't look like nothing.
Helen : I'll sort it out myself...(Pronounced 'I'll sort it oot maself,
coz she's Scottish, innit?) (Unlocks gate and steps through)
Nikki : (Going into strop mode) I might've known I couldn't be of any
Helen : (Locks gate and turns...a look of total anguish on her face that
stuns Nikki into silence) Nikki, if I tell you, you've gotta promise me
it'll go no further...(Pronounced 'furthah', coz she's Scottish, innit?)...I
Nikki : Hand on heart...what's happened?
Helen : (Hesitates) It's Jim Fenner...
Nikki : I might've guessed.
Helen : The other night...I was in the office...and he was having a go
as usual...(pauses when she hears a screw's walkie talkie in the
background, both look round shiftily until screw disappears)...I really
didn't expect what happened after that (Voice beginning to break)
Nikki : Like what?
Helen : (Fighting back tears) He assaulted me!
Nikki : (Total and utter shock) What?
Helen : (Fighting back more tears and making little squeaking noises in
the process) Between my legs...he said he knew what I needed to sort me
Nikki : (With feeling) I'll kill him!
Helen : I really don't think that's gonna help right now.
Nikki : He sexually assaulted you!
Helen : Calm down! (Looks around, fighting yet more tears) I don't know
what to do, other than lock him in a cell with Shell Dockley.
Nikki : Have you told Stubberfield?
Helen : No, I can't.
Nikki : (Total disbelief) Why not? Get the bastard sacked! It's time
They look at each other...Helen's totally and utterly distraught but
can't show it...Nikki's obviously itching to give her a cuddle, but
can't...Jesus! They really are putting these two through it this series
Back on the wing, Gina's putting up a poster about the documentary...the
usual suspects, i.e. Shaz, Denny and Buki think it's a cracking idea,
but the Julies have more than a few reservations...
Julie S : What if our kids see what it's really like in 'ere Jue?
Both Julies : ...terrible!
Julie S : They never think, do they?
Julie J : Best keep out the way then eh?
Julie S : Yeah.
Across the landing, Gina runs into Di Barker who is standing with an
extremely wistful look on her face...no, it's a look of complete and
utter longing as Gina approaches, we notice that Di's got a smile that
indicates that she's imagining rolling around a bed in a fit of passion
with someone (guess who??)...Gina, observant superscrew that she is,
immediately twigs what's going on...
Gina : What's up with you? Missing your toyboy already?
Di : Who?
Gina : Who? (Only she really takes the piss and pronounces it Hooooo?)
Josh! I've seen the way you grope him with your eyes.
Di : I think you'll find it's the other way around.
Gina : Oh yeah?
Di : Yeah, he's always following me around, he seems dead keen.
Gina : What you waiting for then? There's plenty in here who'll break
him in if you don't!
Gina swans off then and Di is left aiming another one of those scary
looks in her direction...oooops, like I said a few episodes ago...Gina
Rossi, you're dooooooomed!!
Just while we're on the subject of great acting...Tracey Wilkinson is
acting out of her skin this series...she's walking a really fine line
with this psycho stalker dealie, it would be so easy for her to go
completely over the top, but she plays it right on the button...she's
totally believable and all the more scary for it!
Up in Karen's office, Fenner arrives for a chat and she tells him that
Helen was in earlier asking questions about their relationship...Fenner
rather cagily asks what Karen said and she replies, rather triumphantly,
that she told Helen that they were getting on 'very well' so well in
fact that they're thinking of moving in together...he's pleasantly
surprised and the pair snog briefly before heading off for a meeting
I should be heart-broken that she's shown her pathetic gullible side
again, but I think the band-aids are holding it together quite well...I
hate to say it, but Iím completely going off Karen now...Iím realising
that there's a lot to be said for an intelligent woman, and let's face
it, Karen's proving that she ain't got the brains God gave a 'Twiglet'
Up in the Fat Controller's office, he's showing that he'll do anything
for a bit of good publicity and is trying to convince the assembled
company (including Karen, Helen and Fenner) that the documentary is a
good idea...oh blimey!! I have a feeling that this guy would strip
naked, shove a radish up his arse and run around the exercise yard
singing 'I Should Be So Lucky' if it meant the chance of a bit of good
PR...anyway, for once, Karen, Fenner and Helen are united as they all
make their misgivings known...the Fat Controller ain't listening though
and informs them that the crew will be filming in G-Wing first...
Stubberfield : Thought I'd send them to the prettiest governor
first...win 'em over for us eh Miss Betts!
Oh my God!!! Pass me the sick bucket, I think I'm gonna throw!!!
During this, Fenner and Helen have a bit of an eye-meet across the
table...he's looking all smug and she's looking like a rabbit caught in
the headlights...one more reason to consider him to be a complete and
Down in the yard, the luvvies (film crew) have arrived and are
assembling their equipment as they lament on the poor security...
Soundman : (To passing screw...the one who let Nikki out in S2Ep13)
Hey, aren't you gonna strip search me or something?
Screw : Only if it turns you on darlin'! And remember, I look better
from the left!
Cameraman : I've had a harder time getting through a supermarket
Up in the Fat Controller's office...he's at his slimy best as he
welcomes the film crew, Fiona, the director, wants to discuss a plan of
action, but he's too busy trying to get himself a starring role...
Stubberfield : Now, what about a shot of me on the wing, saying hello
to the girls.
The film crew exchange eye-rolls, and who can blame them?? This guy's
as persistent as Carol Vorderman and Anthea Turner combined when it
comes to trying to get a shot of his mug on the box!!! Anyway, the crew
are taken down to G-Wing during lunch...predictably, there are a few
wolf-whistles for the soundman and the cameraman before Karen introduces
the trio to the assembled inmates and receives a predictable response...
Shaz : Do you want to hear my choking chicken impression Miss?
Okay, so we're all wondering what that involves...but not for long
though, because Fiona is introduced and she tells the assembled inmates
to 'act like we're not here'...there's a series of differing reactions
to this - Shaz is clearly up for it, Shell's relishing the chance of
rubbishing the prison, Nikki would clearly rather disembowel herself
with a blunt instrument than have any part in it, and Bodybag's quite
obviously convinced that she's another Maureen from 'Driving School'
because she's wearing make-up and by the looks of it, has just paid a
visit to the poodle parlour to get her barnet seen to.
Shell, predictably, seems to have taken a bit of a shine to Chris, the
soundman...first she brushes past him very obviously, and then when he
bumps into her with his microphone when they're filming the Fat
Controller doing a Scarlett O'Hara down the stairs, she does a Barbara
Shell : Oooh! Careful naughty! (Giggles)
Okay, hands up who was expecting the soundman to 'yak yak yak' like Sid
Anyway, the Fat Controller lumbers down the stairs and says a cheery
'good morning' to the assembled company, unfortunately, the response
isn't what he quite expected...
Stubberfield : Morning ladies!
Both Julies : Wotcha?
Buki : Who's that?
Shaz : Stubby summat...I dunno.
Fiona : (Pissed off) CUT!
Later, Fenner loiters outside Shell's cell when it's time for her
interview with Fiona and the film crew...
Fiona : Tell us how you ended up here in Larkhall.
Shell : Mistake innit?
Fiona : You mean you're innocent?
Shell : Yeah! Only they had to set an example see, what with it being in
the papers...there was this girl see, got herself tortured to
death...but it weren't me! It were them other slags!
Fiona : You didn't actually hurt her?
Shell : No! I tried to 'elp! But they cut 'er up bad, said they were
gonna do it to me n'all, so I 'ad to watch din't I? She was pretty
too, lovely long red 'air, didn't look so pretty when they set a match
Fiona : (Totally engrossed) Must have been awful for you.
Shell : It was! Smelt rotten! Never been able to curl me eyelashes
since! And all the time she's screaming at me, begging me...but what
could I have done?
Fiona : Then what happened?
Shell : Well she died didn't she? Just as well, no man would ever 'ave
looked at 'er after that!
Fiona : And you took all the blame?
Shell : I 'ad to! Them girls was nasty!
Fiona : Nastier than the girls in here?
Shell : In 'ere? Nah, it's not the girls you gotta worry about in 'ere!
Fiona : (Getting excited at the prospect of a scoop) Oh?
Shell : Well we're all locked up ain't we? Poor defenceless women! It's
the screws that get away with it all.
Fiona : What do you mean by 'it all'?
Shell : Well...banging women up for a living...says it all dunnit? They
can get into our cells at any time of the day or night...ask Jim Fenner!
And, as if by magic, Fenner appears...he puts an end to the interview
immediately, the crew respond by sticking the camera in his face (what?
and it didn't crack??) but he refuses to be filmed and orders them out
of the cell. Shell is determined to get the last word of course...
Shell : You can run Mr Fenner...but you can't hide!
Shell giggles evilly, Fenner goes all wobbly and...
End of Part One...
It's straight back into the documentary and Bodybag's holding court for
the cameras and putting on a posh voice...
Bodybag : This is what we call 'free flow', where the prisoners move
between their place of work, or education and the wing and...
Unfortunately, Shaz and Denny decide to ham it up in the background and
share a massive snog while all of the other inmates wolf-whistle...Bodybag,
sensing that her moment of glory might be edited out is extremely pissed
off...but the crew are dead chuffed with it before turning to Buki...
Fiona : What do you think about the activities on offer here at
Buki : (Lifts her top and shows her tits) BOLLOCKS!
Di Barker intervenes and leads a frantically protesting Buki away...
Buki : Tits and arse! That's all they're interested in, coming in
here goldfishing! Fancy a bit do you love?
By the way, for someone who disapproved of the whole documentary idea,
Nikki is clearly secretly wanting her face to appear on the TV because
she's quite obviously milling about in the background in all of these
shots...but...then we realise why, she's looking for an opportunity to
get Fenner on his own...she spots a chance when he's up on the G2
landing on his own but is thwarted when Gina wanders over to talk to
Gina : Got a fag?
Fenner : Pissing you off as well are they?
Gina : 'Specially that Fiona! (Puts on posh voice) "Don't you think it's
all down to upbringing and education?" I could twat 'er myself!
Well, that settles it...Zandra is obviously channelling her psychic
energy through Gina Rossi!! I really do like this woman!!!
Nikki realises that she's missed her chance and we all heave a big sigh
of relief...we know what she does to bastards who sexually assault her
At lunch, Shell decides to chat up Chris the soundman and puts on her
little miss sweet and innocent routine, little does he know that she's a
complete and utter psycho, but someone obviously forgot to brief the
production team...he's totally captivated and asks her to join
him...well, he's a man, isn't he??? Brains well and truly in his
trousers, well, until someone like Dockley slices 'em off!!!
But, while all this is going on...Nikki spots her chance...Fenner's just
walked into the officers' room to make himself a cup of tea and is
Nikki : Can I have a word Mr Fenner?
Fenner : What do you want Wade?
Nikki : (Steps into the room and closes the door) An R & C form, I want to
complain about the TV crew.
Fenner : Don't waste my time.
Nikki : Know what you are Fenner? A first class bastard!
Fenner : Yeah? Well women like that sort of thing, real women anyway.
Nikki : Dockley didn't, did she? (At the mention of Shell's name, Fenner
does his rabbit caught in the headlights impersonation and Nikki sees
this) Not in the end. (Spots nearby empty milk bottle and moves over to
it...putting her hand around it but not touching it) She had a way with
a bottle...just like me.
Fenner : (Realises that he might be in a spot of bother and has another
one of his wobbly moments - he's swallowing a lot, sweating and
basically looks like he's just shat yet another load) Get out of here
Wade! (Totally unconvincingly)
Nikki : And here's me...all I want is one little form...(Does an
incredibly convincing psycho number with her eyes)...it's enough to
really piss me off!
Fenner : (Totally petrified now) I said that's enough...back off!
Nikki : You know, if I wasn't getting out of here...(Looks down at
bottle)...it would almost be worth it.
Fenner : All Iíve got to do is shout.
Nikki : I could replace that sneer of yours (mimes slitting her throat
with her hand) with a lovely big smile.
Just then, Fenner's salvation arrives in the form of Helen who's
obviously seen what's going on and thinks all of her worst nightmares
are about to come true...she's totally flustered when she erupts into
Helen : Nikki! What's going on?
Nikki : Thanks for listening Mr Fenner...feel much better now!
Nikki leaves the room and takes her nasty mullet with her and Helen is
left staring at Fenner...she realises that he's been totally menaced by
Billy the Fish and sets off after her.
Brilliant by Nikki here...she's obviously been taking menacing tips from
Yvonne because she totally gets to Fenner by acting completely against
her normal 'Mount Vesuvius' nature and never raises her voice once...and
in doing so, she scares the living shit out of Fenner who is left a
completely gibbering wreck.
Anyway, we always knew that Nikki would mount her white charger and set
off to defend the honour of her beloved, but Helen obviously can't
believe it and tells Nikki so up in her cell...
Helen : Are you out of your stupid mind?
Nikki : (Kevin the Teenager returns) Sorry!
Helen : There's your appeal out of the window! I have been working my
arse off to get you out of here or hadn't you noticed? All I ask is for
you to keep your head down and your nose clean!
Nikki : You couldn't expect me to say nothing! I have got feelings you
Helen : (Completely losing it) Yeah, but what kind Nikki? Anger,
jealousy, violence! Those aren't the qualities I generally look for in a
person! Just remember what got you in here in the first place!
Nikki : I didn't touch him!
Helen : No, but you wanted to!
Nikki : What? And you don't?
Helen : I am not the one in here serving life for sticking a bottle into
a Policeman's neck!
Helen leaves the cell then having made her point and Nikki is left
feeling a total prawn! Oh dear...I can definitely see it all starting to
go downhill now...and, I hate myself for saying it but I can totally see
Helen's point (yeah yeah Coops...just don't say you told me
so!!)...picture it, you've just been assaulted by a complete and utter
bastard, you're scared...you confide in the woman you love, hoping to
receive support and understanding and what do you get?? Nikki doing the
old 'you hurt my woman I bang you over head with club and feed you to
sabre toothed tiger' routine...you can understand Nikki's reasons for
doing it, because if Fenner had done that to someone I cared about Iíd
want to slice his goolies off and serve them to him pickled on a
plate...but, Helen's going against her nature enough as it is already,
and to be seen to condone Nikki's actions, however well-meaning, would
just go completely against the grain...methinks that Dr Yes Yes might be
the one who swans in and wins the day because of this.
Anyway, enough of my pontificating, Bodybag's trying to impress again...
Bodybag : I like to think of the girls as friends really...I see
myself as an older sister offering help and advice.
Cut to Di and Gina pissing their sides laughing in the background here.
Fiona : Do the inmates respond to this approach.
Bodybag : Some do, some can turn very nasty...as my Bobby says - "A kind
word costs no more than a cruel one." You only hope that someone,
someday will appreciate it.
Gina and Di are in complete hysterics at this point...but are
interrupted by an alarm bell ringing in one of the cells...ooooh...action,
drama...the film crew are loving it and are hot on the heels of Gina and
Di while Bodybag is left standing there looking like a Eunuch in a
Turns out that Buki's been cutting herself up...she's got a great big
gash in her arm...Gina the superscrew is quick to take control of the
situation...Di is dispatched to take the Julies back to their cell and
orders the film crew out...I really, really, really like this woman!!!
Yikes!! What does this mean???
Up on G3, Fenner is letting the inmates out of their cells and has
another one of his wobbly jelly moments in front of Shell's door before
opening it...cracking moment here...she's waiting just inside the door
and manages to scare the living shit out of him yet again!! It was
rather like that moment when Shell woke up in the Muppet Wing to find
Mad Tessa in her bed...
Shell : Morning!
Fenner : Inside, I want to talk to you. (Steps into the cell but stays
by the open door) I don't want you round here anymore Shell.
Shell : Well that's a shame 'cause I ain't goin' nowhere.
Fenner : Yeah? Well that's where you could be wrong...you and that Chris
seem to be getting very friendly.
Shell : So?
Fenner : So, I could get you his van keys, you could be out of Larkhall
Shell : Yeah, and Shanghaied all the way to bloody Durham when they
catch me! Nice try Mr Fenner!
Fenner : If I could've had you transferred, don't you think I would've
done it by now?
Shell : So why haven't you?
Fenner : 'Cause bloody Stewart runs the show around here these days,
that's why...Iím serious...I can spring you.
Shell : Go on then, how you gonna do it?
Fenner : I swear...one word about this and it's finished before it's
Shell : I ain't gonna tell no one...not if this is real.
Fenner : (Looks out of cell door to check no one is looking) I hear that
Stewart's got all the lifers keeping daily diaries...that right?
Shell : Not me! I ain't writin' down me privates!
Fenner : Well start, only back date it to 6 weeks ago...I want every
meeting written up, dated, described.
Shell : Okay.
Fenner : Only lay it on, say how friendly it all is...relaxed...in fact,
sometimes you're surprised just how relaxed Miss Stewart is with you.
Shell : (Realising what his masterplan is) You plannin' to dump her in
Fenner : Yeah, with any luck.
There's only one thing I can say at this point...BASTARD!!!!
Down on the landing...Nikki catches up with Helen...
Nikki : You were right...again.
Helen : There are ways of going about things other than violence Nikki.
Nikki : Yeah? You just haven't thought of one yet! (Realises she's
planted flip flop firmly in gob again when Helen goes to walk way)
Helen : Look, I understand how you feel, but this is my battle...why
don't you concentrate on fighting your own? (Walks away)
Oh shit!!!! Is it just me or does it seem like Helen's totally washed
her hands of Nikki? She's totally having a crisis about her feelings
though at least...could this really be N&H RIP???
Down on the block, the Fat Controller's talking to Buki in front of the
camera...God!!! This is most probably the first time he's ever been down
the block in his life, he's usually too busy playing golf and picking up
stray bits of fluff from his carpet!! Anyway, it starts off badly...
Stubberfield : What is all this about Buki? It's just attention
seeking isn't it?
Buki : Piss off!
And it continues in this vein...Stubbsy trying to show his caring
counsellor side but asking completely the wrong questions and only
succeeding in winding Buki up into a psycho episode...
Buki : It's like a storm...this rage...this anger! I've gotta get it
out some how...I've got to!
Stubberfield : Why are you angry...Hmmmmmmm? (Pulls stupid, patronising
Buki : You really wanna know?
Stubberfield : (Realises that maybe he doesn't really want to know) Now
then Buki, I'm keeping you down here on Rule 43 until you can promise
myself or one of the officers that you're going to stop all of this.
Buki : The first time I got shafted I was five years old!
Stubberfield realises that he's totally lost control of the situation
and calls the cameras off while Buki continues to talk about being
abused by her care worker and his friends. The Fat Controller ain't
listening though but Fiona wants to hear more...
Buki : Want me to tell you the details do you pervert! Pervert!
End of Part Two...
Time for the bog and another can of beer...back in a sec...
In the officers' room, Fenner's putting the first phase of Operation
Free Shell into action by taking impressions of Chris's van key and one
of his own keys onto a bar of Plasticine...and I betcha he gets the keys
made up...just like that!! How??? I wouldn't have thought that dodgy
locksmiths were ten a penny...maybe it's different in South London...
Anyway, up in the visitor's room, Julie S receives a visit from
David...she's concerned about the fact that she wasn't allowed a visit
unless she signed a disclaimer to allow the TV crew to film
visiting...David's completely okay about it but Julie doesn't like the
idea of people seeing him visiting her in prison on TV, especially as
he's attending public school...as far as he's concerned, he doesn't give
a shit, he just wants to see his mum...Awwwww!!! Talk moves on to Trevor
and Julie tells David that he was there at the school play...David's
dead excited about this and so is Julie...looks like she's eager to
pick up where she and Trevor left off on the outside...oh dear, but
what's Julie J...sorry, Sonia gonna say about that???
Across the room, Di's having an emotional moment...
Di : I find myself filling up at times like these...just thinking
what it would be like to be separated from my mum.
Gina : Be glad to be rid of mine...spike her bloody Teasmaid myself one
of these days!
Despite Fenner's warning...Shell's busting to tell someone about the
imminent escape attempt and reveals all to Denny, only she doesn't
mention Fenner...she asks Denny to go with her, but she hesitates,
obviously torn between the thought of escaping and leaving Shaz
behind...Shell is obviously a bit pissed off about this but tells Denny
to think about it...LMAO!! You'll be waiting ages then Shell!!
The lifers assemble in the library for a meeting and the film crew start
to set up...Helen though, takes great exception to this and a superb
confrontation scene follows between her and Fiona of the dodgy
headscarf...blimey! Who does she think she is?? Axel Rose???
Helen : I'm sorry but you can't film here.
Fiona : This is the Lifers' Group isn't it?
Helen : Yeah but it's a closed session.
Fiona : Oh, he hasn't told you, has he?
Helen : Who?
Fiona : Mr Stubberfield...he particularly wants us to film what goes on
in here, thinks the Lifers' Group shows Larkhall at its most
Helen : (Totally not impressed) Well Mr Stubberfield doesn't run this
group, I do...and I don't want you here.
Fiona : Err...you don't seem to understand...(Completely patronising
voice that's obviously winding Helen right up)...we negotiated an access
all areas policy throughout the whole prison.
Helen : Not with me you haven't! So, you can just pack up your things
and leave...Now! (Pronounced 'Noooo', coz she's Scottish, innit?)
Fiona : (Hands on hips) I am only doing my job!
Helen : Not historically a great excuse, is it Fiona?
Helen's completely won the argument here, and everyone knows it,
including Nikki and Shaz who are both grinning with admiration in the
background...Fiona realises that she's beaten and leaves.
Down in the officers' room, Fenner is seen comparing his dodgy key to
Chris's van key...seemingly satisfied, he pops the new key into an
envelope containing money before putting the envelope into his pocket.
In the dorm, Denny finally admits to Shaz that Shell is planning an
escape and that she has been asked to go along...Denny says that she's
going to turn Shell down though because she doesn't want to leave Shaz.
Shaz however has other ideas...why can't she go as well??? Denny is
ecstatic and the two plan to blackmail Shell into taking Shaz along as
Shaz : What's Shell gonna do? Tell Mr Fenner?
LMAO!! If only you knew Shaz!!!
Talking of the Devil...he's up on G3 and pays Shell another visit...the
escape is on for tomorrow!!! He takes Shell's diary and then tells her
that she's got to go to chapel tomorrow...she'll find keys to the chapel
corridor and outside gate taped under her seat and that she's to crutch
them as soon as she finds them. She's to make her way down the chapel
corridor and out through the exterior door, he'll leave the van keys and
£100 under the front wheel of the van. Shell asks how she's going to get
out of the front gate, and this is when we find out why they got an
actress that has the same hairstyle as Debra to play Fiona...Fenner
tells her to put on a headscarf and just act cool, the van hasn't been
searched once and it's highly unlikely that she'll be stopped.
So the escape is on, and now that the diary is in Fenner's hands it
looks like Helen's goose is well and truly cooked!!!
End of Part Three...
4am!!! I want my bed!!!
Shell does her spin-doctor routine and ropes the Julies into her escape
attempt unwittingly by telling them that she's got something planned
that will ruin the filming. The Julies agree to turn up at the chapel
service and start a diversion when Shell tells them to...little do they
know that she'll be making her escape during the mayhem.
Things are going to plan outside as well, Fenner manages to leave the
van key and the money where he said he was going to...sharp eyed viewers
will notice here that he's wearing a pair of half-mast trousers and
they're flapping around his ankles...obviously Karen isn't as handy with
the 'Daz Automatic' as Marilyn was!! Let's hope she shrinks his undies
too, that'll give the bastard something to worry about!!!
The inmates arrive for chapel, and it's obvious that the prospect of
being caught on camera has upped the congregation...just like 'Songs of
Praise' innit??? Anyway, some poor unsuspecting extra is sitting in
Shell's seat and she shifts her before sitting down and starting to
grope underneath it for the key...shock! Horror! It isn't there!! Fenner
did definitely say, right hand side aisle seat...pity Shell didn't think
to write 'L' and 'R' on her cowboy boots because the daft bint has sat
down on the left hand side...she realises her mistake but the service
has started...how's she going to move seats without being noticed???
Meanwhile, Fenner arrives in Shell's cell...he places the diary in one
of her drawers and a 'Kickin' Productions' business card in her
locker...he then hides the key mould...which is now a very obvious
looking bar of soap rather than the block of Plasticine he used to make
the impressions under her mattress before leaving the cell...safe in the
knowledge that he's left enough evidence in the cell to divert suspicion
away from himself.
Back in the chapel, things are going from bad to worse for Shell, and
she realises that the only way she's going to get things back on track
is to make a total arse of herself in front of the cameras...so, she
stands, holds her hands together as if in prayer and then walks slowly
down the aisle towards the chaplain...sticking her tongue out rather
pathetically when she reaches him to take Communion...
Chaplain : It's not Communion yet Shell.
Shell : Oh...sorry...I thought I 'eard this voice...calling me.
Shell is told to return to her chair, so she manages to shift the poor
extra again and sits down in the right hand chair...voila!! She finds
the keys and crutches them...
The inmates are told to sing a hymn and the Julies, in true 'Songs of
Praise' style, ham it up for the camera...well, until Shell gives Julie
S the nod...conveniently, the sound boom collides with her head at this
point, giving her the opportunity to kick off...she pulls the furry
microphone off the boom and chucks it across the room...it is caught and
thrown around from inmate to inmate until the place is complete chaos,
giving Shell the perfect opportunity to grab Fiona's jacket and leg it
down the chapel corridor...but what she doesn't know is that Shaz and
Denny are hot on her heels.
Shell reaches the first gate and is forced to decrutch the keys...as she
is doing this, a look of intense concentration on her face, Shaz and
Denny catch up with her...Shell is livid that Denny has brought Shaz
along but she hasn't really got time to argue and is forced to agree.
After a bit of fiddling with the keys...they're through the gate and
carry on down the corridor.
Up in the officers' room, Fenner is on the phone to Karen and tells her
that everything is quiet and that...
Fenner : I miss you.
Karen : Jim Fenner! You old softy!
Oh please...pass me the sick bucket someone before I throw-up all over
The two talk about moving in together and maybe taking a holiday before
Bodybag's voice is heard calling him over the radio...this is it!!!
Shaz, Denny and Shell have reached the outside door now and there's a
bit of a dicey moment when Shell struggles with the key...but it opens
finally, just in time for them to see a screw standing just outside the
door...fortunately, she's called away to help deal with the mayhem in
the chapel and the three make it through the door and over to the van
where Shell finds the key and the money where Fenner has left them. Shaz
and Denny climb in the back of the van and Shell climbs in the front and
puts her seatbelt on...things seem to be going well...maybe too well...
Shaz : 'Ere, you can drive can't you Shell?
Shell nods and then pulls a head scarf on...she starts the
car...and...the bloody thing won't move!! Shit!! Cue Shaz to the
Shaz : Your hand-brake's on!
With Shaz and Denny giggling frantically in the back, Shell manages to
drive through the gates without a second glance from any of the screws,
and when they finally hit the road...
Shell : 'Ere girls...we've only gone and bloody done it! WE'RE
Back in the chapel, Fenner arrives and shouts at the inmates until they
calm down, he then turns to Bodybag for an explanation...
Bodybag : They just went wild like a load of banshees! One minute
it's 'Sing Hosanna' and the next minute, all hell's broken loose!
Fenner tells Bodybag to check that everyone's present and accounted
On the outside, the gang are congratulating themselves...
Shaz : I can just picture the look on Bodybag's face!
Shell : Yeah, well I reckon we owe Hollamby a little visit for old times
Back in the prison, a very sheepish looking Bodybag faces the music...
Bodybag : They're not all here.
Fenner : Are you sure?
Bodybag : I've checked twice...there's three of them gone!
And Fenner's face is a picture when he discovers that Shell has taken
Shaz and Denny with her...Ha ha!! Serves the old bastard right!!! Fenner
orders a search of the prison and Bodybag is left in a right state,
obviously seeing her pips flying out of the window again!!
Meanwhile, Shell is struck by a touch of road rage when another driver
cuts them up, Shaz ain't too chuffed either...
Shaz : Oi Grandad! We're on the run here!
Shell decides to go after the car...they collide and the van comes off
worse...when she tries to restart it, it won't and they are forced to
leg it...unfortunately, Shaz is a bit too hasty when she jumps out the
back of the van and her ankle gets tangled up in a load of wires...she
falls out of the van and it's obvious that she's f**ked her ankle.
Denny's caught in a dilemma here...she doesn't want to leave Shaz but a
taxi has just miraculously appeared out of nowhere and Shell is urging
her to run...Shaz tells Denny to go and Shell promises that they'll come
back for her...
Shaz : Go, have a pint for me!
Denny finally agrees and her and Shell leg it to the taxi...
Shaz : Love you Den!
Denny : Love you Shaz!
Shell pushes away the woman who was about to get into the taxi and her
and Denny climb in...Shell instructs the driver to take them to King's
Cross and as the taxi pulls away, Denny stares out of the back window at
Shaz who is sitting in the road.
Will they get away?????
Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)
Top Dog of the Week
Nikki's confrontation of Fenner was superb, perfectly calm and
self-assured. Threatening without getting physical.
Shell reached new heights in manipulation and is no longer a babe behind
Gina Rossi Superscrew again for taking control of the Buki situation
while Di flaps ineffectively in the background (again) and giving the
film crew their marching orders.
Twatting Twat of the Week
This is getting very tedious.... KB again, I'm afraid. When will the
scales fall from her eyes?
Yeah, ok Filbert, Helen was a bit annoying as well. Of course Nikki was
going to do or say something after she discovered what Fenner had done.
In the circs, I think Wonder Wade was v. restrained.
Stubberfield...he would do anything to get his face on the box wouldn't
Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Helen. Without excusing what Fenner did, it was a surprise to see her
fall apart quite so badly. [Yeah, and I bet Dr Yes Yes turns up soon to
help her pick up the pieces!!]
Buki the slasher.
Poor Shaz got left behind in the end, crumpled in a heap with a sprained
Spin Doctor of the Week
Stubberfield's attempts at PR.
Worst Girl of the Week
Shell's claim for injured innocence during her interview. Puhlease.
Best Line of the Week
Bodybag: Two fat ladies and I'd've had Jimmy's jackpot.
Fenner: ...I have to face the evil cow who came that far away from
Helen: Well let's hope that next time she's that much luckier.
Chris the sound engineer: Don't you want to strip-search me or
Male PO: Only if it turns you on, darling.
Shell: Never been able to curl me eyelashes since.
Gina: Can't you read?
Denny: Not big words, miss. [aah, bless her]
Gina: I could twat her myself. [yay! another Twat from the new
screw] [Our Zan is definitely channelling her psychic energy through
Nikki: She had a way with a bottle. Just like me.
Helen: You're a shit Fenner! [And so say all of us!!]
Worst Line of the Week
Karen: It's going very well - so well, we're thinking of moving in
together. [Filbert faints in a heap on the floor and has to be
revived by Jeri Ryan whispering 'Resistance is futile']
Stubberfield: Thought I'd send them to the prettiest Governor first.
[pass the bucket]
Shell: She died, didn't she? Just as well. No man would ever have
looked at her after that.
Helen: There's your appeal out the window. [oh please, slight
Bodybag: I see myself as an older sister, offering help and advice.
Nikki: I'm sorry. [well there's a line we've not heard before *lol*]
Di: I don't like the idea of people I don't know watching me. [As
opposed to people you do know you mean?? i.e. sitting outside Josh's
house in your car]
Helen: Look, I understand how you feel, but this is my battle...why
don't you concentrate on fighting your own? [Oh dear, looks like it
really is H&N RIP at the moment!]
Warring Faction of the Week
Helen and Fenner; Nikki and Fenner.
Buki and her self-esteem.
Helen and director Fiona.
Best Performance by an Extra
The woman in Shell's seat, who not only looked convincingly scared of
Dockley, but also leapt around after the fluffy mike cover like a
The Larkhall rugby top put in several appearances, although
disappointingly worn by the same person each time.
Sight of the Week
Nikki's gardening cap - she's just not a hat girl is she?
Buki's flash for the cameras.
George Eliot postcard on Nikki's pinboard - bless.
Shell sticking her tongue out for a Communion wafer.
Shell's face when trying to detach the keys from beneath her chair; and
then again from between her legs!!
Shell's Barbara Windsor impression, complete with 'oooh naughty', dirty
giggle and oodles of cleavage.
Shell pushing that woman away from the taxi...brilliant!
Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
Josh has got a locker without even having done his training yet.
Why was Fenner at the meeting with Stubberfield - he's not a Governor.
Why did Fenner need to take an imprint of both sides of the van key, but
only one side of his own key? Some more points about the keys...
1) When he takes the imprint, the mould is definitely a rectangular
piece of white Plasticine...but when he hides it under Shell's mattress
later in the episode, it is quite clearly a bar of soap.
2) Have you ever tried making an imprint of anything in a bar of soap??
I tried it with a fork earlier just to test my theory...completely
3) He quite clearly takes an impression of 1 cell key, yet Shell ends up
4) For taking the imprints and getting keys made - just like that!!
Fenner's lost his bottle (and that really wasn't meant to be a pun,
honest) with Shell and Nikki, but manages to restore order in the chapel
Not a good advert for Citroen vans - one little bump with an old banger
and it breaks down!
Other than for the purposes of dramatic licence, why did Shaz get left
behind? Even if she'd broken her bloody leg they could have got her into
the cab in seconds.
Where did Shell miraculously extract the headscarf from?? Did she crutch
that as well?
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