Season 3, Episode 5: Blood Ties
Recap by Filbertfox


Hands up who's been looking forward to this one...ME!! It's Charlie's trial Ė will Yvonne roll over or has she got revenge in mind??? Who cares, there's a pretty good chance that we might get to see Lauren in her leather kecks!!

Am back on the 'Red Bull' this week and ready to tap away until the early hours so...

Episode 5 begins with a new truck-load of inmates for the prison...among them is a youngster called Buki Lester - she has hair like the woman in that old 'Turkish Delight' advert and a bigger ring through her nose than a Jersey cow!! Almost immediately, she attracts the attentions of Beelzebag who demands that she remove all of her facial adornments, Buki of course, protests...

Buki : I'm leavin' the nose one in yeah? I've just got that one done and it'll go septic innit?
Bodybag : That's innit Miss if you don't mind! Now take it out or Iíll fetch the tweezers and do it myself!

But faced with the prospect of Bodybag running amok with the tweezers, Buki is forced to comply.

Fenner is received back on the wing with a jubilant reception from the other screws, especially from Gina who allows the dickhead to slime all over her - he's obviously chuffed to bits to see some new stern PO totty on the wing but she's wise enough to only let it go so far before mentioning her boyfriend...she asks if Fenner's ever come across him...

Fenner : Don't know him.
Bodybag : You will, amount of phone calls you'll have to take from him!

Karen then calls the meeting to order and informs the screws that Buki Lester will be housed on G-Wing...apparently, she's a 16 year-old crack addict in for GBH - she went after her pimp with a knife...Bodybag, of course, can't resist putting in her two penneth...

Bodybag : Got a face like a pin-cushion!

Karen allocates Gina as Buki's Personal Officer and then calls the meeting to a the other officers disperse, Fenner's all over Karen like a bad smell, demanding to know why she didn't visit him in hospital apart from that one time in episode 2...Karen's evasive, citing understaffing and flak from the investigation...he asks if they can talk about it in her office but she can't get away quick enough...please tell me that it means that the slimy git's been given the brush-off??? Please??

It's visiting time and Lauren Atkins arrives to see her leather trousers this time unfortunately, but she is wearing a rather nice black shirt...anyway, she's obviously her mother's daughter because she doesn't waste time on small talk and launches right in with what's really on her mind...

Lauren : What the hell are you playing at Mum?
Yvonne : What are you on about?
Lauren : After everything Dad's done to can you agree to be a witness for his defence?
Yvonne : Oh, news travels fast!
Lauren : I'm staying well out of it, I thought you had more sense!
Yvonne : Look Lauren, you're only young...there's more things go on in a marriage than you know. Some ties can't be broken.
Lauren : He stitched you up mum so he was free to carry on with that bitch!
Yvonne : Alright, so maybe I am a stupid cow, but he said he's sorry and he's gonna look after us!
Lauren : He can't even look after himself! He doesn't deserve you...or me! Look, Iíve been running things since he's been on remand and the bloody crap Iíve had to clean up! You don't know mum, he's a dinosaur! I've spent most of my time sorting out business deals he's buggered up!
Yvonne : He's my husband love, your father...there's nothing you can do about that!

Lauren realises that she isn't going to be able to talk sense into Yvonne and gives up...oh please! Please tell me that Yvonne's not going to do the dutiful wife bit?? She must have something up her sleeve.

Fenner's on the verge of winning the 'Di Barking' of the week award for persistence...he's still trying to get Karen on her own to talk about their relationship but she's still coming up with excuses for not allowing him to get her on her own...extremely wise woman!! Or maybe she's heard that there's a little foxy person just up the M6 who would treat her a hell of a lot better than that bastard screwdriver would...Karen eventually espies her salvation in the form of Josh who is tinkering with a radiator in the corridor...she asks him how he's getting on with his application form and he admits that he's having a few problems with it...she's obviously keen on the idea of Josh becoming a PO too because she miraculously discovers a free 10 minutes and offers to talk him through it in her office...Fenner realises that he's been given the brush-up and decides to go off to throw his weight around in the visiting room...

Yvonne is incredibly pleased to see the old git, as you might expect...

Yvonne : I don't believe this! That bastard Fenner's back!

Fenner smiles smugly in Yvonne's direction but she's got other things on her mind, Lauren is making a last ditch attempt to make her change her mind, but Yvonne won't be's the end of visiting then and Lauren leaves, Fenner can't resist the opportunity to make a sly dig...

Fenner : Aww! Happy families! Brings a real tear to the eye doesn't it? Loyalty amongst thieves and all that...just like 'The Godfather'! (Tries to walk by but Yvonne stands and goes eyeball to eyeball with him)
Yvonne : Dockley should've sliced your dick off while she had the chance...sir!

Fenner is left with an incredibly wobbly look on his face...oh you have a few Demons lurking in that cesspit you call a brain Fenner?? Well, he's got more important things to worry about, namely, his first appearance on the wing since the G-Wing slasher got her mitts on him...Predictably, the inmates are quick to welcome him...

Denny : Oi Mr Fenner! Show us your scar man!
Fenner : Didn't think I was your type Denny.
Shaz : What's wrong Sir? Lost your bottle?

He then attempts to get the inmates moving, but they ignore him, so, he decides to take it out on Nikki...

Fenner : Come on Wade! Haven't you got some hemlock or something to weed in your garden?

But here's the moment we've all been waiting for...the showdown!!! Shell saunters down the stairs resplendent in that skin-tight yellow T-shirt (is it just me, or do her boobs seem to be bigger every time we see them??)...Fenner has another wobbly moment and Shell can see it...

Shell : Welcome back Mr Fenner!
Fenner : Hear you're stuffing envelopes these days Dockley...shame...(he wobbles again and can't quite meet her eye)...Come on! Get moving!

Just as Bodybag shows Buki into the 4-bed dorm and Fenner finally manages to get the inmates moving...Helen arrives on the wing and makes a beeline for Nikki who comments immediately on Fenner's return...

Nikki : Did you know he was back? I was hoping he'd take early retirement but no such luck eh?
Helen : Never mind Fenner...your cell...(grins and propels Nikki towards her cell)! (Pronounced 'Noooooo', coz she's Scottish, innit?)

Oooooh...a bit of playful behaviour from everyone's favourite Lifer's Liaison there!! Must say...I do like the fact that they seem to be returning to their pre-Potting Shed flirty can definitely have too many tortured conversations!!

Anyway, in Nikki's cell, they rip each others clothes off and...HAH!!! Only joking!! But the huge grin on Helen's face as she follows Nikki into the cell is rather off putting...

Nikki : What? (Slightly suspicious about the grin that looks like it might cause Helen's face to split at any moment) What?
Helen : It's great news! No, it's fantastic news! (pronounced 'nooooooz', coz she's Scottish, innit?)
Nikki : What is it?
Helen : Claire Walker has dug up an ex colleague of Gossard's who claims that he raped her, and get this - she's prepared to tell it to a court!

The realisation begins to dawn on Nikki's face...this is just the thing that could get her out!!!

But before we can hear's misery for you lot and bliss for me as we see the fair Miss Betts behind her desk...look closely enough and you might be able to see the flash of a Leicester City top under her desk and...actually, that's not true, but I can always dream!!!

Anyway, the peace is cut short by the arrival of Fenner who has finally managed to get the gorgeous guv on her own...he wants to know why Karen's avoiding him and suspects that it might be something to do with Marilyn - he insists that even though she is the mother of his children (ewwww, what a disgusting thought!), there's no prospect of the two of them sorting out their differences...he's adamant that it's Karen he wants. Karen protests, pointing out the close scrutiny their relationship came under during the investigation, but, it seems that Mr Oily has an answer for everything...

Fenner : This investigation will only show what we all know anyway - Shell Dockley is a deeply disturbed woman. I am completely innocent! You do know that, don't you Karen?

Okay, for those of you who were wondering what the strange noise heard all over the country was at that was actually me screaming - 'NOOOOO KAREN!!!' at the TV...surely she can't??? Surely???

Karen : I wouldn't be standing here talking to you like this if I thought for one moment that...
Fenner : Something happened to me in that got me out of there and Iíll never forget that.

Oh my giddy Aunt!!!! He's going for gold here...never wavering as he looks directly into her eyes...oh please! There's so much oily charm oozing out of the git that it just makes you want to reach for the nearest tin of 'Swarfega'!! But it's clear by the look on Karen's face that she's falling for the bastard's flannel...

Karen : I was doing my job.
Fenner : We've saved each other's lives Karen, how many people's that happened to? (Reaches out and takes her face in his hands...he knows he's got her on the ropes now and it's time for the knock-out blow) Don't tell me that doesn't count for something eh?

Karen gives in and the pair kiss...FENNER YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!!!

But I've got no time to be's back to Nikki's cell and the dynamic duo...

Helen : So, she's unemployed now this woman.
Nikki : What's her name?
Helen : Sally-Anne Howe.
Nikki : Sally-Anne Howe...I love you. (Smiles and shakes her head, obviously not daring to believe it)
Helen : She was off sick with stress after the alleged attack, the Police closed rank and in the end she was too scared to press charges. (Cut to Nikki's face, suddenly serious as she realises what this woman went through) She said that she got a couple of threatening phone calls as well.
Nikki : (Tears beginning to appear in her eyes) Bastards the lot of them!
Helen : But then she heard about you and decided to come forward.
Nikki : (Hopeful) The CCRC can't ignore that, surely?
Helen : The CCRC's gonna take too long! Claire's said that we've gotta get a petition together for the Home Secretary.
Nikki : What? How are we going to manage that?
Helen : (Smiling) You forget, I work for the Home Office.
Nikki : (Huge radiant smile) Jesus! I just can't believe it!
Helen : (Suddenly serious) We've been here before. So let's stay calm. You don't want to get too excited too soon.
Nikki : We've never had a bloody witness before! I mean, it's looking positive, innit?

Oh nooooooooooo!!! That's it now, every member of the prison population with the exception of Babs has now used the word 'innit'!!!

Helen : It's looking positive...but hang on in there, it's gonna take time, but we're gonna get this thing moving...alright?
Nikki : (Nods, close to tears again, looks up when Helen gets up to leave the cell) Helen...thanks...for everything.

And a million words are unspoken as Helen smiles in reply before leaving the cell.

Meanwhile, in the dorm, Shaz and Denny are examining Buki's stuff...Denny, as you would normally do when examining a stranger's trainers, decides to give them a good sniff, both of them grimace...

Shaz : Buki? Pukey more like!

Shaz then holds up a teddy bear that Buki's brought in with her...

Shaz & Denny : Ahhhhhhhh!

Buki storms into the cell then and takes great exception to the examination of her belongings...anyway, the talk turns to Buki's sentence and we find out that she's been sentenced to 30 months...she notices during this conversation that Shaz and Denny are both wearing earrings and asks why she was forced to give hers up...

Buki : Some fat bitch took 'em off me!

This sort of fat bitch type behaviour can only fall under one particular PO's MO...

Shaz & Denny : Bodybag!

The talk moves on to Buki's piercings and she brags about all twenty of them... twenty??? Bloody hell!! She's got more perforations than a 'Tetley' tea-bag!! But, it seems that Bodybag didn't manage to get her mitts on all of Buki's metal...the tongue stud for instance...and nipples!! My God!! You can imagine the look on Bodybag's face if she came face to breast with those!! Denny and Shaz, as we always thought they would be, are extremely impressed.

At dinner, Fenner's in for more of a hard time when he passes Yvonne and Barbara in the queue...

Yvonne : Can you smell something off Babs? You wanna check your stab wound's healed Mr Fenner, gangrene smells like rotting fish...did you know?

Ah! This is what we like to see...freshly reeling from Yvonne's comments, he turns round and runs smack into Shell...

Shell : Hello Mr Fenner, I've 'ardly seen you since you got back, you avoiding me?
Fenner : Shut it Dockley! I'm not playing your pathetic little games! (Steps closer to Shell and tries to be menacing) When your trial comes up, you're going to be sent to rot in this place and Iím gonna be right here to watch! (Turns to walk away)
Shell : Be nice and cosy won't it just the two of us...together...forever! Love you Mr Fenner!

Shell grins and turns away and Fenner has another wobbly moment...

End of Part One...

Part Two...

Buki's obviously suffering from a serious case of withdrawal symptoms and decides to ask Shell if she's selling...

Buki : You got any?
Shell : What?
Buki : Rocks.
Shell : Oh, you mean drugs? (Buki nods, hopeful) Piss off!

Shell turns her attention to the TV where the other inmates are gathering to hear news of Charlie's trial, turns out that he's up on charges of supplying drugs, perverting the course of justice, handling stolen goods and demanding money with menaces...Yvonne is amongst the inmates, and there's an extremely reflective look on her face as the scene cuts to Karen's office where...

Oh please!!! They can't do this to me!!! In a warped remake of the art room scene, Karen grabs Fenner as soon as the door closes, she discards her jacket before helping Fenner off with his shirt just gets worse...this has to be the single most disgusting and cringeworthy moment ever to be seen on British TV...

SHE KISSES HIS SCAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I demand that my licence fee be refunded immediately and...oh shit!! This is ITV innit?? Okay...that's it...I refuse to carry on with this too depressed...

[Pause for a fag break]

Right, wobbly moment over...

An unspecified number of days later...

Josh has extremely good news for Di...he's received a letter telling him that they want him to sit the entrance exam, Di is absolutely over the moon as she reads the letter...

Di : It's not the fact that I didn't think you could do it...but it's just the thought of you in uniform.

LMAO!!! Make it obvious Di why don't ya???

Anyway, Josh is extremely grateful that Di have him the idea of applying in the first place...

Josh : I owe you one.

Yeah, right...she's got more than 'one' in mind this point, Josh receives a call over his walkie-talkie and places his bag on the ground before turning away...this gives the trophy hunter the opportunity she's been waiting for and she swipes a green cloth from said bag before making her excuses and leaving.

Buki is seen rooting around in her smelly trainers...she eventually manages to extract a rock (that's an ickle bit of crack) from the insole, but she's so shaky because of withdrawal that she ends up fumbling falls to the floor and she's got no chance of trying to retrieve the bits...she slumps to the floor and begins to cry.

In the bathroom, Di is waiting to escort a prisoner back to her cell for lock-up but said inmate is taking ages so she takes the opportunity to caress the green cloth she pilfered earlier, but, as she removes it from her pocket and begins to unfold it, she hears the soft clang of something metal hitting the floor...she looks around but is thwarted when Shaz walks into the room. The other inmate emerging from the shower forces Di to leave the bathroom without being able to investigate's just unfortunate that Shaz manages to look down at the floor and spot a 3-inch nail lying there...she pockets it of course.

The next time we see the nail, Shaz and Denny are allowing Buki to tattoo their palms...Shaz is feeling the pain as Buki applies the ink, pity they didn't decide to tattoo their foreheads - where there's no sense there's no feeling and all that!!

At dinner, Babs and Nikki discuss the step-children from hell, it turns out that they are definitely contesting the will, but Babs still hasn't heard back from the CPS...Gina Rossi interrupts this conversation and proves that she's also got a decent side coexisting with that 'take no shit from no one' side...

Gina : Heard about your news Nikki. Good luck eh?
Nikki : Cheers.

A passing Fenner decides to take the shine off Nikki's good fortune though...

Fenner : Don't count your chickens Wade, just because your little governor's been working after hours for you.
Nikki : Surprised Fenner? I am a miscarriage of justice.
Fenner : My arse!

It's Jim Royle!!! LMAO!!!

Fenner's pissed off that Nikki didn't rise and backs off, trying to save face, but Shell decides to join in on the Fenner baiting...

Shell : Well I think it's brilliant Nikki! You can prove that cop was a rapist. (Looks over at Fenner who is experiencing another wobbly moment) And we all know that rapists deserve to have their balls chopped off!

Gina notices that Fenner's a bit out of his depth and questions whether or not he made the right decision in deciding to come back to work so soon...he manages to convince her otherwise although you can see that he's really shaken...meanwhile, Shell's flashing that psycho grin in his direction, she's loving the effect she's having on him.

Back in the 4-bed dorm, the tattoos are finished - Denny has 'Shaz' tattooed on her palm and Shaz has 'Denny' tattooed on hers...the two admire the artwork but then Denny looks up to see the amazing sight of Buki pushing the nail through the hole in her nose...she wants to check if it's healed up apparently. This gives Shaz an idea and she suggests that she and Denny pierce themselves as well...Denny points out the obvious - they'll get a reet good bollocking when the screws see it, but Shaz suggests that they pierce somewhere not so obvious, Denny looks at her chest with a worried expression on her face until Shaz tells her that they should do their tongues like Buki's...Denny points out the fact that they don't have any studs - no problem, Buki will provide the studs if they provide some drugs...Denny's still not convinced, but in the end, Shaz manages to convince her and she reluctantly agrees.

The news of Nikki's witness is spreading like wild-fire, even Karen's in the know now...

Karen : Nikki must be thrilled.
Helen : It's early days yet, but yeah, she is. Just to warn you, she might have to see her lawyer a few times over the next couple of weeks.
Karen : You know, it might seem like hindsight, but Iíve never really thought of Nikki as a murderer.
Helen : I agree.

Karen spots Fenner then and leaves the officers' room...Helen is now all alone with the evil git and a few hearts start to beat a bit faster as he closes the door before turning to stick the boot in...

Fenner : What is it with you Stewart? You've just got to look at a murderer and you
go moist!
Helen : You're out of line Jim! (Pronounced 'Yerrr ooota line Jim!', coz she's Scottish, innit?)
Fenner : (Moving closer, now only inches away) Thanks to you, I had to walk back onto this wing with a nutter who tried to stick me, and now you're telling me that Nikki Wade the cop-killer's innocent too? You make me sick!
Helen : Well that is a relief, if you approved Iíd know I was doing something wrong! Get out my face! (Pronounced 'Get ooot ma face!', coz she's Scottish, innit?)

Helen storms out of the room with the upper hand, but Fenner's been used as a floor cloth too many times already since his return and by the busted arsehole look on his face when she slams the door behind her, we can just hear the rusty gears in that evil brain of his beginning to crank and grind.

Back in the dorm, Buki's pacing up and down as she waits for Denny to return with her crack, Shaz persists with questions about tongue-piercing, and Buki, who probably doesn't even know her own name at this point, insists that she performed the procedure herself...Denny arrives then with 3 rocks and a couple of jellies, Buki isn't exactly impressed, but produces a bag containing studs...apparently, she crutched it...ewwww!! Like you'd really handle the bag afterwards??? Buki heads off oblivion bound and Shaz holds the bag up triumphantly...Denny is looking greener by the minute!!! Can you blame her???

It gets worse though...over breakfast, Denny admits to Shaz that Buki's doing her head in so Shaz suggests that they do the piercings themselves...

Denny : I dunno babe...I mean...your tongue, it's a special area, innit? You talk wiv it.
Shaz : Yeah, well you listen with your ears and Iíve done them before!

Denny still isn't convinced, but Shaz turns on the charm and takes advantage of the fact that Denny's IQ is so low she needs to water it...

Shaz : I'm an expert me!

Denny gives in...she will be pierced at lunchtime...what a spanner!!!

The moment arrives and Denny's holding an ice-cube against her tongue while Shaz sterilises the nail by dipping it into a miniature bottle of whiskey...she then applies whisky to an apple...

Shaz : So what you do is you put your tongue on the apple and shut your eyes, Iíll push the nail numb yet? (Pause to see the look of abject terror on Denny's face) And don't worry about the sound, I remember me mate's ear sounded funny when I did it, it's just 'cause your tongue's like raw meat.

Out on the wing, all is quiet until a muffled groan of extreme pain is heard in the background...Buki, who is playing pool, goes back to the dorm to investigate and is aghast when she discovers that Shaz has actually pierced Denny's tongue...turns out that although she did some of her other piercings herself, Buki's tongue was done by a professional. Shaz isn't worried though...

Shaz : It's okay Den!
Denny : Mrrrrruummmmpppp!!! (Well, she is holding her tongue in an attempt to stem the bleeding!!)
Shaz : Shit! Sit still Den...Iíll stick the stud in and then swill some of that booze around yer gob!

And as Shaz moves to soak up some of the blood with a tissue, we see the goriest sight to be seen on BG since Nikki kebabed her hand with the weeding fork last series...I seriously am talking YEEEEEEUUCCCCHHHH Factor 10 here...Denny, a gobfull of blood and a nail sticking all of the way through her tongue...hope none of you out there were enjoying a Bloody Mary at that particular moment!!

End of Part Two...

Part Three...

It's time for the big G-Wing pool tournament - Screws Vs Inmates and Nikki goes to see Flash, Yvonne...

Nikki : You running a book there?
Yvonne : Yeah, what's your pleasure?

Okay, there is an obvious reply there but Nikki chooses not to use it...

Nikki : I dunno, for some strange reason I feel lucky...Iíll put a week's spends on Shaz and Denny.
Yvonne : No problem.
Nikki : (Spots Karen approaching) Wotcha!

LMAO at this bit...bearing in mind that Yvonne possesses the kind of stare that could make a marble statue quake with fear and an air of menace not seen on British TV since the demise of Maggie Thatcher...why does she turn to Karen and make it completely obvious, both with the 'cornered rat' expression on her face and the overly innocent tone of her voice that she's not exactly been discussing knitting patterns with Nikki...

Yvonne : Alright Miss Betts?

It turns out that all Karen wanted to do was inform Yvonne that Charlie's solicitor expects her in court first thing tomorrow...again, Yvonne is left with a rather reflective expression on her face as Karen departs.

Down on the landing, the pool tournament is well underway and Di Barking is in heaven, not only because she's been partnered by Josh, but because...shock! Horror! She's actually managed to pot a ball, she completely buggers up her next shot though, but never fear, Josh is at hand to commiserate and she laughs coquettishly as she passes the cue's actually Denny's turn next but she's in extreme pain and complains to Shaz who's dismissive, well, until Denny takes her hand away from her face and reveals that she still has a gobful of claret...

Denny : I'll spit blood all over the friggin' felt!

Bodybag notices that Denny's hesitating and tries to hurry things along in her normal manner...Shaz tells her that Denny isn't feeling well and Bodybag's response is to disqualify them both...have no fear though because Shell steps up to the table and offers to take Denny's place...she grabs the cue, runs her hand up and down it suggestively and then with a significant look in Fenner's direction, bends down to pot a ball...the other inmates cheer and Fenner looks more than a little uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, Denny is coughing up great lumps of blood and gore into the sink.

Outside, Gina Rossi is proving to be a bit of a hustler and Yvonne is starting to worry about the outcome...

Yvonne : I could lose my shirt on this!

It's a pity Nikki doesn't appreciate the irony of this coming from someone who's shirt looks like a TV test card...but then again, Nikki has her own problems with that ghastly dressing-gown, so maybe she hasn't got room to comment...

Gina pots the black and turns to Di, who's so seriously pissed off at being beaten that it looks like Gina's been marked out for extermination...

Gina : Game, set and match! So what's the prize then? Takeaway innit?

And as the inmates start chanting...


...Di looks fit to explode...using her pool-cue to poke the eyes out of everyone present...again, she turns to Josh for commiseration...

Josh : Relax, it's only a game!

Back in the officers' room, Gina's already making her order for the Indian takeway she's won...Josh tells her that he and Di let her win and the way Di puffs up with pride when he says 'we' is truly frightening...Gina asks them if they fancy going out for a drink but Josh can't, he's got to go home and swot up for his PO exam tomorrow...

Josh : I'm brickin' it!
Gina : Oh yeah...well good luck baby-screw!

Oh my God!!! Di has only brought some lucky heather in for Josh to take to his exam the following day...he's obviously embarrassed, but too much of a nice bloke not to say thanks...

Josh : Where did you get it?
Di : We grow it in the garden.

LMAO!!! And she says it like her next line should be...

'We grow it next to the deadly-nightshade under the shadow of our row of shrunken heads!'

Gina's obviously observant because she realises that Di's got a thumping great crush on, she decides to wind Di up by leaning in to give him a kiss on the cheek before wishing him luck...

Josh leaves then and Gina decides to rub salt into the festering boil that is Di 'Mad as a fish' Barking's head...

Gina : He's a bit of alright that Josh!

The evil glare that Di turns in Gina's direction while she's otherwise engaged - i.e. scoping out Josh's arse - is seriously evil in fact that it makes Mad Tessa look like a 'Playschool' presenter!!! Gina are doooooooomed!

The following morning, Shaz goes to wake Denny, but Denny is unconscious and flops back against the bunk, blood still streaming from her mouth...Shaz screams and the screws mobilise...Denny is taken down to the hospital wing and Karen arrives to question Buki who protests her innocence...out on the wing, Shell clomps down the stairs in time to see Denny being carted away and makes it clear that she blames Shaz for the whole thing...

Shell : (Slaps Shaz round the kisser) Anything happens to Denny and Iíll cut your tits off!

Great idea can stick 'em in Gina's curry!!

Yvonne is quick to intervene and takes Shaz off to one side...

Yvonne : Shaz? What happened?
Shaz : I pierced her, we were just having a laugh...I were gonna do it n'all...I found a nail see, but I sterilised know, that whisky I got off you.
Yvonne : Yeah? (Turns to pin Shaz down with a murderous glare) Well what's done is done, but you wanna make that nail disappear quick or you're in deep shit!

Bodybag arrives then to take Yvonne to court...Nikki and Babs wish her luck...Nikki watches her leave, and then turns to Babs...

Nikki : What some women will do for their men eh?
Barbara : I would've done anything for Peter.
Nikki : And look what happened to you!

Helen arrives up on the hospital wing to check out Denny's condition...Doctor No No tells her that she's lost pints of blood, just as he says this, Denny begins choking on a mouthful of the stuff and he manages to hold it together for long enough to insert a tube down her throat to clear her airways...Helen, understandably, looks shocked.

Yvonne has arrived at court and is taken off to speak to Charlie's solicitor...

Solicitor : Yvonne, how are you?
Yvonne : I prefer the staff to call me Mrs Atkins, if you don't mind.
Solicitor : Mrs Atkins...Iíd just like to run over a few things before the trial, just to make sure that we're all speaking Charlie's...Mr Atkins' language.
Yvonne : Oh don't worry, Iím fluent.
Solicitor : You'll be asked about three packages that were kept stored in the house in June 1997...that's two of 'H' and one of the old 'marching powder'...but you thought they were birthday presents from Williams right? You see, the idea is, he was acting on his own to set Charlie up, so he asked you if you could keep them hidden as a surprise for Charlie's 40th.
Yvonne : Birthday presents?
Solicitor : Right.
Yvonne : Goddit.

Back on the wing...Josh arrives with good news for Di...

Josh : The man from Del Monte...he say YES!! maybe not, but Iím tired and it's 3.20am...of course, what he really says is...

Josh : I passed!

He pulls Di into an embrace, but Karen arrives with a face like thunder to put a dampener on things...she wants to know how an inmate was able to find a nail in the G1 bathrooms, she knows it's something to do with Josh because...

Karen : You're the only one with that sort of equipment.

Ooooh errrrrr! Can you hear Barbara Windsor giggling in the background??

Josh protests, telling Karen that he's always careful about what he leaves hanging around...Di, predictably, jumps to her beloved's defence...

Di : I'd just like to say Miss Betts...that I've always been impressed by the way that Josh has tidied up after himself...

Again, another double-entendre...Sid James is looking down on this from the great 'Carry On' film in the sky and pissing himself at this exchange Iím sure...

But Karen won't be swayed and tears a piece off poor Josh...

Karen : Remember, if you want to be a Prison Officer - carelessness costs lives!

Oooops...looks like Karen might be next on Di's extermination list!!! But she's the only one to blame here and she knows it...

In the courtroom, Yvonne has just taken the stand and has sworn on the Bible...just before the defence barrister rises to his feet, she smiles over at Charlie in the dock and he blows a kiss in reply...

Defence : Mrs Atkins, on the morning of July the 8th, 1997, do you remember taking delivery of 3 packages from a motorcycle courier at your home, 17 Forley Court, Chelsea Bridge Road, London, SW3 2DC?
Yvonne : I do, yeah.
Defence : And what did you think these packages contained?

Pause...Yvonne looks over at Charlie who nods...

Defence : What did you think were in these packages?
Yvonne : (Another long pause) Drugs.

YAY!!! GO YVONNE!!! Charlie's face is an absolute picture when he realises that Yvonne's intention was always to stitch him the gallery, Lauren is practically jumping for joy...caught on the hop, the Defence barrister tries another direction...

Defence : And did you think that these packages were gifts for Mr Atkins from his business partner Mr Williams?
Yvonne : (Shakes her head) I knew they were drugs, Charlie told me to watch out for 'em.

Charlie is shaking his head, now realising that hell really does hath no fury like a woman scorned!!

End of Part Three...

Part Four...

Back in the courtroom, Charlie's having a hasty conference with his solicitor who advises him against taking the stand...but Charlie's got other ideas and instructs his solicitor that Yvonne needs taking down a peg or the judge arrives, the solicitor returns to his seat.

Prosecution : Mrs Atkins, are you prepared to admit that your husband had more than a partnership in a garage door company with Mr Williams?
Yvonne : Sure...they were into everything, they supplied most of the East End middlemen.
Prosecution : Middlemen?
Yvonne : Dealers.

There's a bit of a rumble in the public gallery as the prosecution barrister takes his it's the turn of the defence to re-examine the witness...

Defence : Mrs Atkins...Mrs Atkins, can you tell me why that you gave a statement to Mr Ravenscroft that clearly indicated you thought the packages were birthday presents?
Yvonne : I was scared. (Looks up at judge convincingly) Charlie and his lawyers put the frighteners on me. I don't know, it's different now...I swore on the Bible and that's serious, Iím not going to lie to God.
Defence : Is it true Mrs Atkins, that your husband...your estranged husband had been having an affair with the late Renee Williams, his business partner's wife?
Yvonne : Well yeah, but then he was going through a mid-life crisis, all blokes do that.
Defence : And isn't it true that you're still a very bitter woman.
Yvonne : No...(turns icy stare on barrister) isn't.
Defence : And wouldn't you like to get revenge upon your husband Mrs Atkins?
Yvonne : No.
Defence : Mrs Atkins, would you please tell the court what your current situation is, in other words, why you are currently in prison Mrs Atkins.
Prosecution : (Stands up) Your honour, I don't see how this line of questioning is relevant to the charges.
Defence : Your Honour, Iím merely trying to point out to the court that Mrs Atkins is a violent criminal and an accomplished liar. She has already lied in her statement to the defence and she has lied when she pleaded 'Not Guilty' to the charge of conspiracy to commit murder. It is quite obvious to me that Mrs Atkins' testimony is say the least.

Jesus!! If looks could kill, that murderous glare of Yvonne's would have that barrister flat out on the floor - as dead as a bleedin' dodo!!! But the damage is done, her credibility is shot down in flames in front of the jury...let's just hope that Charlie digs his own grave up on the stand.

Back at the prison...Helen arrives in the dorm with news of Denny - 'they've given her a blood transfusion and all the correct medication' - but Shaz is convinced that Denny is going to die and refuses to be placated...Helen leaves the cell and Buki enters, complaining loudly that she's now due up in front of adjudication and that thanks to Shaz, she's also without any gear. Shaz completely flips, throws a chair across the cell and launches herself at a cowering Buki...Shaz kicks her in the stomach several times and the other inmate tries to hide under the bunk...Shaz breaks down in tears eventually, convinced that she's killed Denny.

Back in court...Charlie's up to bat...

Charlie : I'm not saying I never done anything wrong in my life, I ain't never been a good boy, but let 'im that cast the first stone and all that...I've answered your bleedin' questions, you've been through my accounts with a fine-tooth-comb and you still ain't got nuffing on don't give me all of this 'oh you're in trouble now, Charlie me old son', just because my old missus got the 'ump wiv me 'cause I've been playing away from 'ome! I mean, personally I feel sorry for the old cow, I really do.

Camera cuts to the face of the defence barrister who is obviously wishing he could gag his client, and Yvonne, who appreciates that Charlie's not exactly doing himself any favours...

Prosecution : Thank you for that Mr Atkins, but you still haven't quite managed to explain how you maintain a 4 bedroom villa on the Costa Del Sol on a salary of eighty thousand pounds a year from your garage door company...not to mention your residence in Chelsea, which it seems, has no mortgage.
Charlie : I've got a mate in the property, if 'e's done somefing dodgy then that's 'is look-out, you go and ask 'im. (Looks over at the jury) But 'ow many of you wouldn't jump at a good deal, above board mind, if they was offered? Plus Iíve 'ad some good-luck on the stock-market over the years.
Prosecution : So you keep saying Mr Atkins, but so far, you haven't managed to provide any evidence of these pursuits.
Charlie : Jesus H! What 'appened to innocent until proved guilty eh? It's your job to produce the evidence mate, not mine!
Judge : And it's my job to consider contempt of court charges Mr Atkins!
Charlie : (To judge) I do apologise Your accountant has furnished you with all the documentation that you needed...and if it don't add up, that's maybe because I like a go on the 'orses now and again. (Cut to Yvonne looking worried and Lauren looking stony faced) What can I say? So Iíve got a soft-spot for the gee-gees, but I ain't no drug way!

And at the end of this tirade, he tips a sly wink in the direction of the foreman of the jury...well, that's it then isn't it?? He's obviously got the whole thing sewn up.

Back on the wing, Shaz is in a shit mood and Helen tells Karen that she doesn't think that sending her down the punishment block would achieve anything - 'she's punishing herself enough already'...Karen agrees with this but...

Karen : I'd love to know where that nail went though.

Yeah...have been thinking about this myself...presumably, it was still in the cell when Shaz was talking to Yvonne, she was obviously on her way back to lose it when Karen ordered her off to speak to what did happen to it?? Or am I just reading things into it again???

As Karen makes this comment, she turns a stony glance on Josh who is being consoled by Di...he tells her that he was going to take her out for a drink, but after the events of the day, he doesn't feel like it now...she tries to protest but the poor sod is obviously mortified about what's happened to Denny...oh well Di, so near and yet so far eh???

Back at court, the jury are considering their verdict and Yvonne wants to hang around to hear it, she practically goes down on her knees and begs Bodybag to let her stay, but the rotund one refuses to budge an inch...come Gina Rossi to the rescue...she volunteers to stay with Yvonne, meaning that Bodybag can make a quick getaway and buy a dress for her niece's know, Iím starting to like Gina now...first she congratulates Nikki and then she offers to stay with Yvonne...she's tough alright, but she's fair with it... a sort of gobby Dominic but with an edge...anyway, Bodybag agrees and leaves them to it.

Back in the dorm, Shaz is finally talking to Buki, who is reclining on the 'bunk of doom' (could it claim a 4th victim?) whilst cutting her arm with a plastic knife...Shaz is oblivious to the cutting bit, but listens when Buki tells her that Denny's well out of it - cushy hospital, decent food, no stuffing envelopes etc etc...just as Shaz is starting to feel a little better, Helen arrives with bad news...

Helen : Shaz, we've had a call from the hospital, they think Denny's got blood poisoning.

Back at the court, it's verdict time...let's hope the scum gets sent down for good!!!...

Usher : Will the foreman please stand? Will you please answer the following questions with a yes or no...Have you reached a verdict on which you are all agreed?
Foreman : Yes.
Usher : On the count of handling stolen goods, do you find the defendant guilt or not guilty?
Foreman : Guilty.

Yes!!! So maybe he didn't nobble the jury after all, Yvonne's obviously pleased anyway...

Usher : On the count of demanding money with menaces, do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?
Foreman : Not guilty.

Oh shit...and by the sound of the dramatic music in the background and the look of horror on Lauren's face it's obvious that we ain't gonna like what's coming up next...

Usher : On the count of supplying controlled drugs, do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?
Foreman : Not guilty.

Charlie's grinning and there's a rumble in the courtroom as the shock travels around the gallery...

Gina : I though you said that he was a goner.
Yvonne : He's got at the bleedin' jury! (And she has a hugely pained expression on her face when she says this...could her days be numbered now that Charlie's back in action?)

Bodybag arrives back with her dress in time for the main event, the sentencing...

Judge : The sentence of this court is nine months imprisonment.

The defence barrister rises and points out that Charlie's already served 6 months on remand, the Judge then says the words we really didn't want to hear...

Judge : Mr Atkins, you are free to go.

Charlie and Yvonne exchange a quick glance before he climbs down from the dock and is congratulated by a bleached-blonde, what does Yvonne do? Bearing in mind that the first thing Charlie's going to do is put a hit out on her...she spits in the slimy git's face...class!!!

As she is led from the courtroom, Yvonne stops to say goodbye to Lauren...

Lauren : I'll sort it mum...I promise.

Outside, after giving a brief interview to the press, Charlie tries to console Lauren...

Charlie : Back to business! Give it time, she'll get over it!

Obviously not...

Yvonne : You complete bastard!
Charlie : Come on Evie, not like you to be such a bad loser...see you again in 3 years, or then again, maybe not!

Just then, a motorcycle screeches to a halt and the man riding pillion produces a gun...

Shooter : Atkins!

And the barrel of the gun is pointed directly at Yvonne...she stands completely still and doesn't move an inch...could this be it?? Could this be Charlie's revenge??


The barrel shifts target, and before anyone can blink, Charlie receives a bullet right between the eyes...he falls to the ground and his bit of fluff is left standing there behind him, covered in blood and screaming...

As he rolls down the steps and the motorcycle pulls away, Yvonne is herded into a waiting car...she stops though and looks up at Lauren who stares back at her, an ever so slight smile on her face...

Well she said she'd sort mother like daughter eh?? Or maybe not, because Yvonne looks incredibly shell-shocked as she is driven away...

Blinding!!! I don't think I need to say any more...apart from, please can we have more Lauren????

See you next week...I can't wait to see what Yvonne's reaction is!! 

Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)

Special note to say - TOP episode by BG newcomer Liz Lake!! Let's face it: Fenner v Shell, Nikki & Helen being friendly, blood, Yvonne wearing something nice, pool competition, blood, hitman, Di being barking, Lauren Atkins, Larkhall rugby top, cleavage, blood, Dawn, new arrival, nasty scar, oh yeah, and blood. What more could we ask for?

Top Dog of the Week

OMG!!! Lauren Atkins... what can I say? Shocktastic chip off the old block! She's toughened up since Charlie's arrest.

Yvonne herself still has to get a mention. Week after week, she just gets cooler. Lovely put-downs to Fenner and gorgeous suit... ok, the stitch-up didn't quite come off, but old Charlie sure got his comeuppance and she's got a fine heiress apparent. Love that woman!

Have to mention Gina Rossi here...I dunno, she's starting to grow on me...firstly she makes a point of congratulating Nikki about the witness, then she allows Yvonne to stay on to hear the verdict...she's tough, but she's got a decent streak, unlike one or two other POs I could mention.

Twatting Twat of the Week
Karen - duh! When will the woman learn? HE'S A CONSCIENCELESS SLIMEBAG WHO WILL SCREW YOU EVERY WAY HE CAN! And for God's sake, no shagging in the office - try the bloody art room!

Di Barking for dropping the nail.

Charlie, not only for being a two-timing piece of pond-slime, but also for that ridiculous speech from the dock...Bill Sykes innit?

Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Denny and her tongue ó what a spanner. The phrase "easily led" was made for her.

Spin Doctor of the Week
She started out playing hard to get, but Fenner talked KB round yet again. She went from "let's take our time" to tracing the Tube map on his belly with her tongue quicker than Di changes her allegiance.

Worst Girl of the Week
Shaz for being a general pillock... as usual. Yay to Shell for the slap!

Best Line of the Week
Bodybag: Innit, miss, if you don't mind.

Yvonne: Dockley should've sliced your dick off while she had the chance - sir.

[Like most of her lines, it's all in the delivery]

Helen: Never mind Fenner, your cell - now! [ooo smiley flirty Helen, and followed by tongue-sucking too - my cup runneth over]

Di: Just the thought of you working here, in uniform...

Fenner: What is it with you, Stewart? Just got to look at a murderer and you go moist.

Worst line of the Week
That poxy Helen & Nikki music signalling any faintly emotional moment.

Denny: Your tongue? It's a special area, innit. You talk with it. *lol*

Nikki: What some people will do for their men, eh? [what colour's your pot, Wade - you killed a man for your girlfriend, remember?]

Karen: Remember, carelessness costs lives.

Yvonne: I'm not going to lie to God.

Yvonne: I could lose my shirt on this! [Oh the irony!]

The Judge: Mr Atkins, you are free to go. [And they really expect us to put our faith in British justice??]

Warring Faction of the Week
Gina and Di - don't mess with the psycho, Rossi.

Fenner and Shell deserve a mention here, but so far it's all one-sided...

Oh, and Fenner and Helen too...there's definite trouble brewing there!!

Best Performance by an Extra
The woman in the blue football shirt - who else expected it to be Filbertfox when she turned round? *lol*

Charlie's bint - top hysterical squawking when covered in blood and brains.

Sight of the Week
They never tire of it, do they? There's a new arrival, so cue the obligatory shot of the meat wagon arriving.

Helen making a beeline for Nikki with a huge grin on her face.

Denny's tongue - eeeeewwww! And puhlease, Dr NoNo's care hasn't improved much. ER it ain't.

Charlie's face when Yvonne answered simply "Drugs" to the barrister.

Lauren Atkins' quirk of the lips as Yvonne was bundled into a taxi. She'll never be anyone's moll.

Di Barking for scary, murderous glances directed at Gina Rossi...if we needed any further proof of her insanity then there it is.

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
Now the PA system is in, can't stop using it, can they?

Charlie's solicitor said that the drugs were stored at the house in June 97. But Charlie was only arrested 6 months ago - he wasn't much of a dealer if he'd been hanging onto the gear for over 3 years.

The re-invention of Lauren Atkins - she turned up at Larkhall in a right state after Charlie was originally arrested - hence Yvonne's abortive attempt to escape...and now, all of a sudden, she's a hard as nails gangland totty with the balls to arrange a hit on her Dad...not that Iím complaining or anything of course!!

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