Season 3, Episode 4: False Identity
Recap by Filbertfox

Synopsis Helen this week (sorry guys!!) but the trailers have pointed to lots of Yvonne action, which is always a big

[Those of you who have been worrying about my 'Red Bull' and caffeine addiction might want to note that Iíll be seeing myself through this one with a couple of bottles of 'Fanta' and a tube of pizza flavoured 'Pringles' don't blame me if I fall asleep halfway through it!!!]

Anyway, where was I??? Oh yeah...the episode...

This week starts with the arrival of a prison van into the courtyard, in the background we hear a woman complaining very loudly about the amount of time it took to get to Larkhall...she climbs out and we see that she's a PO, her parting shot to the driver is...

PO : Muppet!

Is this the new PO we ask ourselves?? But there's no time to the barking mad home of Di Barker, the woman herself is watching as her mother wakes up...ah, so she does exist then...she's not pulling a Norman Bates on us - pity!! Oh well, it's plain to see that the old woman's terrified as Di mentions the cut on her lip, speculating that she must've cut it on her watch in her sleep, she admonishes the old woman for keeping said watch on in her sleep but we know, as well as she does that she really got the injury from Di's audible smack round the kisser in the last episode...hmmmm, forget Mad Tessa, Di comes across as even more insane here as she mumbles on about fetching some TCP before wondering aloud if her mother would be better off in a home...then she removes the bed-clothes to help her mother into her wheelchair and the terror on the old woman's face is obvious...

Di's Mum : After everything Iíve done for you!
Di : Now if I hear one more word!

And she flashes from nice to nasty to nice so quickly it's clearly the mark of someone a couple of pepperonis short of a pizza...she leaves the room, mumbling on again about fetching some TCP.

On the wing, Shell is receiving a dressing down from the gorgeous one...

Karen : I sometimes think that you want to spend the rest of your life in jail.
Shell : I don't Miss.
Karen : Well you're going the right way about it, now get out!
Shell : Thanks Miss.

LMAO!! The look of contrition on Shell's face is a picture as she leaves the room but it doesn't help Karen any - as soon as the door is closed, Bodybag wades in on the attack, but not for long, the officer from the start of the show breezes into the office and introduces herself as Gina Rossi...Karen's understandably pissed off, she could have been snogging Fenner or anything and this woman just storms in without even knocking...she ends up getting extremely short-shrift and leaves the office...Karen rolls her eyes (swoooon!) and is given another earful from ye Olde Bodybag whose face looks like a punctured weather-balloon...

Bodybag : We're not getting Rossi are we? That's all we need!

Brilliant!!! Could we have someone to put Bodybag's nose well and truly out of joint? Let's hope so!!!

Up on G3, a screw opens Yvonne's cell-door just as she's pulling her stockings up (CORRRR!!!), she blows him a kiss and then checks her reflection in the mirror, an expectant look on her face as she wanders downstairs...could this be the day of her visit???

Downstairs, the Julies are telling Denny all about Monica's halfway house and she's more than impressed about the fact that it has 2 bathrooms, even more so when the Julies tell her that there'll be a place for her (and even Shaz) there when she finally gets released...Denny toddles off to tell Shaz the good news which allows the Julies to bring a very worried looking Barbara into the conversation...turns out that she's expecting a visit from her step-children later that day, they've never gotten on that well apparently, Nikki is curious...

Nikki : So why are you seeing them?
Barbara : Well Iím assuming they've got something to tell me.
Nikki : What? Like piss off and die?

Barbara hopes that they're coming in to bury the hatchet and to finally admit that she wasn't responsible for their father's death, Nikki (what a surprise) is dismissive but Barbara is still hopeful - if they've accepted their father's death then it could help when she decides to appeal...Barbara and Nikki part company and Yvonne pounces on Nikki...

Yvonne : Nikki!
Nikki : (Clocks Yvonne's smart get-up) Bloody hell!
Yvonne : Guess who Iíve got a visit from this morning.
Nikki : You don't waste any time do you? He won't know what's hit him!
Yvonne : He's a professional isn't he?
Nikki : He's gonna have to be.
Yvonne : Great! I'll give you a blow by blow account!

The two part company and again, Nikki is left with a huge smile on her face...maybe she's finally accepted the split from Helen.

Karen's finally allowed Gina Rossi into her office...turns out she was transferred from D-Wing after slapping a prisoner she thought was trying to get off with her boyfriend Mark (another officer)...she's repentant but you can see in her eyes that she's not the sort to take any hassle from the inmates, Karen slaps her down and warns her that she'll not have any trouble on her wing.

But it seems to have gone in one ear and right out of the other because in the very next scene, Gina is conducting an extremely personal conversation on the phone with said boyfriend while Di Barker silently disapproves in the background. Gina puts a quick end to the phone call when Bodybag walks into the officers' room, she makes her disapproval of Gina quite clear...

Bodybag : If you think we're manning the barricades while you drool and dribble into that thing then...
Gina : Cut the crap Sylvia! You never ring your old man to tell him to get your haemorrhoid cream? Poor sod!
Bodybag : You leave my Bobby out of it! about handbags at fifty paces!!! My initial reaction to Gina is that she's a loud-mouthed, irritating harpy with one of those faces I just want to slap...but, from the verbal sparring with Bodybag and the trouble you can see ahead when she clashes with Nikki, Yvonne and Shell, she's probably going to be a hugely welcome addition...loads better that dull as dishwater Dom, who incidentally, seems to be on Gina's mind...

Gina : So what was he like then? This Dominic?
Bodybag : Stuck to the rules if nothing else.
Gina : Oooooh, Saint bloody Dominic! What did he do? Lick your arse?

Predictably, this gets Di's back up and she launches into a protective tirade before storming out of the officers' room in a huge Nikki type strop, slamming the door behind her...

Gina : Oooooh!

My God!!! You can just hear a ghostly voice drifting down from the heavens...'Who slapped her tits?' Awwwww...poor Zan, it's times like these when you really miss her.

But anyway...

Bodybag escorts Yvonne's 'solicitor' up to the private visitor's room...she's in full-on busybody mode and asks him tons of questions without giving him time to answer, but she doesn't smell a rat, even though he does look like a rabbit caught in front of the headlights and leaves him in the room to wait for Yvonne who is being escorted down by Gina. Yvonne decides to scope Gina out and starts by seeing how far she can push her...

Yvonne : Did it tell you that I got a mate on D-Wing who told me that a screw had been transferred here because she'd just had a bust-up with her boyfriend? Is it true that you were moved against your will?
Gina : Is it true that you get on everyone's tits? 'Cause if it is, we got a problem.
Yvonne : (Smiles to herself) Forgive my directness...(pauses as Bodybag lumbers past)...but it's the only way to get through to some screws round 'ere.
Gina : (Locks gate behind Bodybag) I hope that wasn't incitement to knock my fellow officers, Iíd take a very dim view of it if it was.

Yvonne follows Gina to the visiting room with a huge grin on her face...half of me is thinking that she respects the fact that the new screw won the verbal battle, but the other half is hoping that the smile was all about Yvonne relishing a new challenge...any angry verbal exchange between these two is going to be brilliant viewing.

Yvonne is shown into the visitor's room and she's obviously extremely impressed by the talent on offer (Is she blind??? He's got a face like a smacked arse!!)...

Gina : You've got half an hour.
Yvonne : Should be long enough.

And Iím beginning to feel sorry for the bloke...Yvonne's got a full years worth of sexual frustration to work out and only half an hour to do it...he'll be lucky if they don't carry him out of the prison on a stretcher!!!

Josh comes across Di Barking weeping pathetically in the locker room, he politely enquires what's wrong and she spins him a line about just being dumped by her boyfriend...Josh, being the nice bloke he is, sympathises and then, unintentionally, says the one thing that should never be said in front of the G-Wing bunny boiler...

Josh : You know the best way to get over these things? Just find someone else and forget about them.

Josh turns back to his tools and misses the scary look that Di throws in his direction...oh shit!! Looks like she'd just discovered another candidate for her doubt Josh will be losing his utility belt and monkey wrench in the near future.

Outside the visitor's room, Bodybag comes across Gina who is sitting outside and filing her nails with a extreme 'bored to tears' expression on her face...

Bodybag : Are they still in there?
Gina : Unless they've blown a wall out and got away by helicopter.
Bodybag : Well haven't you been listening?
Gina : I've got this thing called a life thank you very much.

Bodybag wanders over to press her face against the door and reveals her misgivings...

Bodybag : You know, I'm not convinced he's a lawyer, he didn't look devious enough.

Bodybag then hears Yvonne giggling through the door and decides that she's had enough...over Gina's objections, she storms into the room to find Yvonne and her bit of fluff discussing a letter...Bodybag asks to see some credentials and Yvonne kicks up a fuss, she points to the phone number on the letter and suggests that Bodybag should ring it to check before she makes a formal complaint...this is enough for Gina who calls the rotund one off before the pair of them leave the appears that Yvonne suspected that they'd be interrupted, and now that the interruption is out of the way, they can get down to serious business...

Solicitor : I'm a pro.
Yvonne : Does that mean I won't be disappointed?
Solicitor : You obviously didn't read our guarantee - money back unless completely satisfied!

Yvonne grins as she removes his tie and throws it over her shoulder before pulling him into a kiss.

In the communal visiting room, Bodybag is laying down the ground-rules...

Bodybag : If I see a tongue down anyone's throat Iíll chop it off...personally!

Barbara receives her visit from Peter's children who appear to have been festering because he left all of his money to Barbara instead of them...they've been doing some digging apparently and they can't find a record of Barbara ever being divorced from her first husband. Barbara protests but they reveal that they have a private detective on the case and can't find a record of the decree absolute...the talk then moves on to the fact that they can't track Barbara's first husband, no record of him can be found anywhere which leads them to think that Peter might not have been her first victim...Barbara reacts just as most of us would by slapping the odious twat round the face...

Barbara : How dare you! You little bastard!

And as he holds his face, completely shocked, Barbara is led, loudly protesting and struggling from the visitors' room.

End of Part One...

Can't be bothered with the adverts this week coz I'm tired...

Part Two

The next day, Di arrives for work at the same time as Gina who's whining on about not getting any sleep because her and her boyfriend bonk like rabbits, not exactly the sort of thing that Di wants to hear and she more or less tells Gina to F off...but then she runs into Josh in the courtyard and he manages to put the smile back on her face courtesy of a few crappy clichťs that lead her on to suggest that he should train to become a counsellor...Josh, understandably, regards Di like she's just grown a second head, but there's a reflective look on her face as the two part company.

Nikki's worried about Barbara who refuses to make an appearance at breakfast, just as she's about to head off for her own porridge, Yvonne appears in the cell, why does Nikki always get a huge dopey grin on her face whenever she sees Yvonne?? Better make sure Miss Stewart doesn't catch you doing that!!! Anyway, Yvonne also makes her concern clear...

Yvonne : How are you Barbara?
Barbara : Like shit if you want to know the truth...I seem to be using that word quite a lot.
Yvonne : (Walks over to the bunk) I know some people who could pay these arseholes a visit if you like.
Barbara : They won't listen to anyone.
Yvonne : These people don't talk Barbara, they pull teeth out, things like that.
Barbara : (Laughs nervously) Well...that's very kind of you Yvonne but I don't think it would do any good.
Yvonne : Well you know where I am if you change your mind.

Out on the wing, it's time for another council of war amongst the Scooby gang, only... what the hell is Shell doing sitting with Yvonne and the rest of the gang??? It was only last week that Yvonne was threatening to send her straight back down to the muppet wing...anyway, the Julies have a cunning plan...

Julie J : 'Ere Yvonne, you in with us?
Yvonne : What's that?
Julie S : Our campaign...
Julie J : ...against Barbara's shitty step-children.
Julie S : We start with anonymous phone calls...
Julie J : in relays, wear 'em down.
Denny : Then we write 'em letters, they'll get about ten every day.
Shaz : I'm doin' it.
Shell : Me too! Gonna have loads of fun with this, make 'em really suffer!

...LMAO!! At the look on the Julies' faces as Shell's delight becomes obvious...

Yvonne : Yeah alright, count me in.
Denny : What sort of fing are we gonna say?
Shell : Well you ain't gonna say much in a letter, you can't even write spazzer! (Sticks her tongue out at Denny)
Denny : Yes I bloody can! (Sticks her tongue out at Shell)
Julie J : We say that she's suffered enough...
Julie S : ...and that they should leave her alone...
Julie J : ...what do they want? Blood?
Shell : (Grinning evilly) I'll give 'em blood! Buckets of it!
Yvonne : Shut it Shell! (Looks up at the Julies) You gonna tell Barbara about this?
Julie J : Dunno, what do you think?
Yvonne : Well I offered her some help and she didn't want to know, best keep it quiet.
Julie S : Good idea.

Di Barker stumbles across the Scooby gang at this point and asks what they're up to...Yvonne quickly comes up with the excuse that they're thinking up ways to cheer Barbara up and asks Di for her advice...

Di : Just tell her that every cloud has a silver lining.

Di walks away and the gang erupt in hysterical laughter.

In the officers' room, Bodybag tells Karen that Yvonne's due another visit from her solicitor that morning and confides her suspicions that the visit wasn't 100% on the legal side...

Bodybag : If that bloke was a lawyer then Iím a jumbo-jet!

LMAO!!! Hi, Iím me!!

Karen listens to Bodybag's suspicions and then tells her to keep an eye on them if she thinks there might be something untoward going on...this is like manna from heaven to Bodybag...

Bodybag : My pleasure ma'am!

And she's left grinning expectantly as Karen leaves the room...Gina by the way is shaking her head dismissively and takes some of the shine off Bodybag's victory.

Out on the wing, Shaggy, Scooby and, Denny, Shaz and Shell are making a phone call...

Denny : Is this Amanda Hunt?...She's suffered enough, just leave her alone bitch!
Shell : (Grabs the phone when she hears Amanda protesting) Never mind who we are darlin'! If you two sickos don't leave off Babs we're gonna come round there and
pull yer fingernails out right?
Amanda : Is this some kind of joke?
Shell : Well we ain't laughing this end sweetheart and you won't be neither when you get a razorblade down yer cuticles!

Amanda, predictably, puts the phone down, but that don't phase Shell, she's got a redial button and a stack of phonecards.

Across the wing, Nikki tries to cheer Barbara up by suggesting that she should employ a private detective of her own to try and track her ex-husband down...once the step-children from hell have proof that she is divorced they'll be forced to leave her alone...Babs seems cheered up by this, but she wouldn't be happy for long if she knew what was going on across on the phone...

Shell : Do you want kids one day Amanda? 'Cause if we cut your bits and pieces out you won't be able to!

At this point, Shaz notices the approach of Gina and grabs the phone off Shell before slamming it down...Gina sidles over and informs a very put-out Shell that she's her new personal officer...

Shell : But I usually have a man!
Gina : Yeah? Well it's your lucky day sweetheart; they've given you someone with real balls for a change!

Shell's left with a face like she's just been slapped with a wet kipper...I wonder how long it's going to be before someone decides to take Gina down a peg or two...last time someone stirred up this much trouble she ended up dead from a peanut overdose!!

Meanwhile, the Poet Laureat and her sidekick, i.e. the Julies, are composing a letter...

Julie J : Dear Miss Hunt...
Julie S : are a...

Both Julies collapse into laughter at this point as they realise the obvious rhyme...LMAO!! That must have been a very close call with the ITC there...not quite saying but completely inferring to the word c...okay, I ain't gonna say it...anyway...

Julie S : It has come to our attention...
Julie J : Yeah, that's a good one.
Julie S : ...that you and your brother...
Julie J : ...have got it in for...
Julie S : ...your step-muvver Barbara.
Julie J : If...if you do not mend your ways...
Julie S : ...we'll pump cement up your flute-box...
Julie J : ...and dump you out at sea...
Julie S :'ve heard of a concrete overcoat...
Julie J : ...well this is a concrete undercoat!

Again, both Julies erupt into hysterical laughter...

Julie J : Bit over the top?
Julie S : Nah!

There's a swinger on the loose, caught eventually by Denny who retrieves a handful of phonecards...Shaz reckons that they should switch their attention to the brother...

Shaz : Tell 'im we're coming round with the garden-shears.
Denny : To trim 'is bush!
Shaz : If he's got one!

Di arrives then to let Dennis and Gnasher out of their cell for association, and as they head off mischief bound, she notices Josh up on G2 chatting to Dawn (DAWN!!) and another inmate...she's up those stairs like a whippet and suggests to him that he should think about becoming a Prison Officer...again, Josh looks at her like she's just grown a second head, but she won't be put off, and asks him to think about it...he tells her he'd rather just stick to being an odd-job man and again she's left with that spooky look on her face as he heads off to mend a 'bog'.

Shaz and Denny start in on Greg and are having a right old laugh down the phone...unknown to them, Karen is listening in on their conversation over a pair of ear-phones in the surveillance room and embarks immediately to put an end to their campaign...Shaz and Denny are truly in for it this time!

End of Part Two...

More adverts...still tired...flagging badly...need 'Red Bull'!!!!

Part Three

Karen's definitely on the warpath and rips the arses out of Shaz and Denny who totally take the blame for the hate campaign, heroically refusing to roll over on the Julies and Shell, even when faced with that arctic glare that could freeze Satan's sauna...Karen warns them that they broke the law and adds 42 days to the end of their sentences, a note will also be made in their files which means they will lose all remission when their cases come up in front of the parole board...Shaz and Denny protest, but the G-Wing slugger knocks them back onto the ropes by pointing out how close they came to another criminal conviction.

Down on the wing, Barbara is furious about this latest development...

Julie S : We were only tryin' to 'elp!
Barbara : Are you backward? You've done exactly the opposite!

Barbara then goes on to tell the gang that they've probably only made the step-children from hell more determined and that if she ever has to go back into court, the prosecution will bring the harassment up and end up walking all over her...the Julies and Yvonne realise that they've been 24-carat plonkers and apologise but Barbara doesn't want to hear it and returns to her cell...

Julie J : We've really messed up i'nt we?
Nikki : Big time!

The next day, a couple of Police Detectives arrive to see Karen and it's not long before Barbara is summoned to her office to speak to's nothing at all to do with the phone calls, it's altogether more serious...they show Babs a photo of her ex-husband and tell her that they've managed to track him down...apparently, there are some irregularities and the look on Barbara's face says it all as the scene cuts to the cell she shares with Nikki.

Nikki walks into the cell to find Barbara in tears...

Nikki : How did it go?...(Realises that Barbara is upset)...that bad? (Closes the cell door) They must see that those phone calls weren't your fault, surely. Honestly! I could kill those bastard step-kids, you've gotta get back at them Barbara! What about your private detective? Did he do some ringing around?
Barbara : It's not about the phone calls, it's my first husband, Arthur...(Looks up at Nikki)...they found him.
Nikki : (Sits down and puts her arm around Barbara's shoulders) Come on, that's good isn't it? Means you're in the clear.
Barbara : If only...Iím afraid I haven't been telling the truth Nikki.
Nikki : What? What do you mean?
Barbara : Arthur and I were never divorced, that's why they can't find the papers.

In the officers' room, Josh is fitting a fuse to a plug when Di Barking starts in again on him applying to become a PO...he's still reluctant, especially when she informs him that there's an entrance exam, even when she insists that it's a piece of piss he still objects, but Di is nothing if not persistent...LMAO!! She's just like the housekeeper in 'Father Ted'...

'You do, you do, you do, you do, you do...'

Eventually, Josh realises that the only way he's going to be able to shut her up is by agreeing to think about it and she leaves, slightly mollified.

Back in Nikki's cell...

Nikki : (Pacing up and down and in pissed off mode yet again) So you've been lying through your teeth the whole time?
Barbara : Only about the divorce, I swear...
Nikki : Only? You practically swore on a bible about that.  Still would be if the Police hadn't found you out.
Barbara : I'm telling you the truth now.
Nikki : (Stops pacing, arms folded) How do I know? (Pauses as Barbara looks down at the floor) Exactly! I mean, why did you lie about the divorce?
Barbara : It just seemed easier, I didn't think it would come out. Arthur's a Catholic you see, he didn't believe in divorce, said it was against God's will...oh, I think he did it out of spite really. (Looks up and sees that Nikki's about as accommodating as a lion with its tail caught in a trouser-press) You've got to believe me.
Nikki : You're about the best liar I ever met! I trusted you, we all did. (Hugely disdainful expression on her face) You're a shit!

Nikki storms out of the cell leaving an extremely guilty looking Barbara...note here, instead of the sound of the flip-flops as the fair Miss Wade departs, we get the squeak of her trainers on the lino!!

In the officers' room, Karen's filling the POs in on the situation...

Karen : You're her personal officer Di, can you keep an eye on her?
Di : (Extremely earnestly, nodding her head like the 'Churchill' dog) Oh yeah...course.
Bodybag : How does this affect the will?

Oh my God!!! Karen's just informed them that they might have a suicidal inmate on their hands and Bodybag's first worry is about what's going to happen to the moolah... you know, if she lived in America, you could see her queuing up waiting to get her grubby mitts on the 'National Inquirer'!!

Anyway, turns out that when Peter kicked the bucket, he left Babs three and a half million spondoolicks!!! Which means that Larkhall has its very own millionaire in wonder the step-kids are contesting the will...anyway, it provokes a bit of a reaction from the screws...

Gina : I think I might've popped him off for that!
Karen : We don't know that's what happened, but the fact that bigamy is illegal makes it look like Barbara only married her husband for his money.
Bodybag : Well, Iíve said it before and Iíll say it again - the quite ones are always the worst!
Karen : Yes, well we're going to have to keep our eye on Barbara, the Police are sending her case on to the CPS, they're going to charge her with Mr Hunt's murder.

Okay, pause here to pick the brains of you legal eagles out there...I didn't think someone could be tried for the same offence twice?? Or is it maybe because Babs was charged with manslaughter the first time?? Could she be re-charged and re-tried for murder??? Answers on a postcard please...

By the way, check out the look on Bodybag's face when Karen makes the about all her Christmases coming at once...methinks she's gonna have fun winding Babs up about this one.

End of Part Three...

Show me the way to go home...Iím tired and I want to go to bed...this synopsis is doing my head in now and...f**k! Can't think of anything to rhyme...

Part Four

Out on the wing, Bodybag's quick to telegraph the news to all and sundry...

Yvonne : I've had enough of you pulling my chain.
Julie J : Yeah, me n'all.
Bodybag : Well ask Mrs Hunt herself when she comes down, or should I say...Mrs Roper, since she's still legally married to him.
Shell : Babs a bigamist! 'kin'ell! She's a bleedin' dark horse eh?
Julie S : Babsy wouldn't hurt a fly!
Julie J : Nah!
Bodybag : People do all sorts of things when there's three and a half million at stake.
Denny : Three and a half million!
Shaz : You've lost it Miss!
Bodybag : (Spots Barbara approaching sheepishly from behind) Ask her yourself if you don't believe me.
Julie J : (Looks over at Barbara) 'Ere, this ain't true is it Babs?
Julie S : 'Bout you not divorcing your old man?

There's a pregnant pause here as the inmates realise that the look on Barbara's face is only pointing to one conclusion...Shell needs it spelling out for her of course...

Shell : Well?
Barbara : Yes, Iím afraid it is.
Denny : You bitch!
Shaz : Yeah, you lying twat!

My God...we've had a twat, Shell saying the 'F' word for the third time in four episodes and we very nearly got the 'C' word too...well, I guess that's BGís swearing quota full for the series now...after Zan's twatfest in the first series we didn't get to hear her say it for the entire second series...anyway...

The gang are incredibly pissed off to say the least, Bodybag's delighted of course but she's just an evil old cow.

Shell : We put our friggin' necks on the line for you!
Barbara : I never asked you to do those things.
Denny : Is that all you can say? Me and Shaz got extra time 'cause of you!
Yvonne : You shoulda come clean Barbara, you've disappointed us.

Did anyone else think 'The Godfather' then? Yvonne sitting back and not flying in with the rest of the threats but instead coming out with something like that...'You mess with the family, you mess with me'...all she needed was a mouthful of 'Malteasers' and she'd be Marlon Brando.

Anyway, Shaz is well and truly on the war-path and jumps out of her seat...

Shaz : I think she needs a kicking for that!

Bodybag grabs hold of Shaz in the nick of time, only she links elbows with her and swings her around looking for all the world like she's going to launch into an eightsome reel...but Shell, showing that she only needs the slightest excuse for violence, spots the opportunity and is up out of her chair faster than a fart after a vindaloo to give Babs a slapping...

Shell : (Grabs hold of Barbara and forces her into a chair) No one takes the piss outta me and gets away with it! You saw we were tryin' to help and you just let us!

Camera pans to Nikki sitting at another table...she has a guilty look on her face because she's not intervening but her own bad feeling towards Babs is obviously preventing her from doing so.

Barbara : I didn't, I was horrified!
Shell : I'll show you what horror means!
Gina : Let go of her!
Shell : Piss off you wop cow!

This is the last straw for Gina who shows that she's not even a pretty face by grabbing hold of Shell and pinning her into an arm lock, grabbing hold of her hair and giving it a good hard tug...

Gina : I don't wanna show my nasty streak but right now you're really pushing me Dockley! Now get back to your cell! (Pushes Shell away and then surveys the faces of the other inmates) Anyone else fancy a crack?

Obviously not because they all look away as Barbara scurries back to her cell with her tail between her legs.

It's visiting time again and yet another solicitor arrives to see Yvonne...but Bodybag's got their number this time and it's obvious that she's got something planned as she instructs Gina to take the new solicitor through to see Yvonne...Yvonne obviously isn't as impressed with the agency's latest offering...

Yvonne : You're not as cute as the last one, still, as long as the equipment works.
Solicitor : Sorry?
Yvonne : Where do they find you all? (Walks over and gives him a good squeeze in the bollocks)

It's debatable who's more surprised at this point, the solicitor who wasn't expecting a sexual assault, or Yvonne who finds out that her rent-a-hunk is in actual fact legit... more than that actually, he's Charlie's solicitor!

Meanwhile, Di's taking her position as Barbara's personal officer very seriously indeed and tries to cheer Barbara up, telling her to stay focussed and not to give up...

Di : Every cloud has a silver lining.

Barbara is dismissive and talks about ending it all...

Di : You mustn't give up hope!
Barbara : I gave up hope the day I came in here...and with people like you around to help me can you wonder?

Di is left speechless.

Up in the visiting room, it seems that Charlie wants to make an offer he's hoping Yvonne won't refuse...turns out that the only evidence against him is twenty kilos of cocaine found in the house when he was arrested (funny, I thought Lauren said last series that someone had grassed him up) and that if Yvonne was to say that the drugs were hers, the case against him would collapse, Yvonne, predictably, doesn't like the sound of this...

Yvonne : He sets me up, he cheats on me and then it's oh by the way darlin', can you take the rap for me as well?

The solicitor tells Yvonne that if she admits that the cocaine was hers, Charlie would set her up for life; she reckons that he owes her that already and then asks about guarantees...

Yvonne : After what he's done to me I wouldn't trust him any further than I could push him with my piss!

The solicitor tells Yvonne that Charlie still thinks a lot of her and produces a jewellery box and an envelope from his briefcase...Yvonne glances at the card inside the envelope and then looks at the pendant inside the box before turning back to the solicitor...just as she is about to reply, it's the return of that heavy metal band - Bodybag and the Heavies...well, Bodybag and the DST actually...she's positively quivering with anticipation as she orders the team to search them.

Down on the wing, Barbara is sitting on her bunk when Nikki enters the cell, she slumps into a chair with her back to Barbara and opens a book...

Barbara : I've let you all down.
Nikki : Yep.
Barbara : I don't know what I can do to convince you. Peter knew I couldn't get a divorce but he still wanted to marry me, he wanted to take care of me in every way.
Nikki : Including financial!
Barbara : You've every right to be sceptical.
Nikki : (Turning round to face Barbara for the first time) You made a complete fool of me! I trusted every word you said!
Barbara : You've got to believe me now!
Nikki : Why? (Turns back)
Barbara : Oh Nikki! You've been my mainstay here, if I lose you I don't think I can cope!
Nikki : (Turns back to face Barbara again) Just tell me straight, did you kill Peter for his money?
Barbara : No, the only thing I lied about was my divorce.
Nikki : And the three and a half million!
Barbara : Only by omission!
Nikki : Oh come on Barbara! What else haven't you told us?
Barbara : There's nothing else! And if that's a lie then let God strike me dead because there's nothing else!

Up in the visiting room, the solicitor is protesting at the treatment he's receiving but Bodybag's dismissive...

Bodybag : Do you think I was born yesterday?
Yvonne : Well if he does he needs glasses!

The only thing the search produces is the solicitor's ID, Bodybag's not only left with egg on her face but a whole bloody battery farm...Yvonne's smile says it all when the rotund one is forced to retreat - this means that any future legal visits will be totally uninterrupted. When the crew have gone, the solicitor tells Yvonne to think about Charlie's offer...

Solicitor : Can I send him your love?
Yvonne : Yeah...why not?

And she's left alone with an unreadable expression on her face...does this mean that she's folding or that she's got some plan to get even with Charlie once and for all???

It finally looks like Nikki might be on her way to forgiving Barbara and she questions her about why she kept her fortune secret...Barbara confesses that she was worried about being blackmailed or beaten up if the other inmates found out that she was rich, and anyway, the money didn't mean anything to her anyway. Okay, so maybe she's got Nikki back on side, but what's she going to do about the rest of the rabble??

Its business as usual in the officers' room, a penitent Bodybag getting strips torn off her by an extremely pissed off Karen (oooh, don't you just love her when she's stern and efficient??)...

Karen : Another triumph for your softly-softly approach.
Bodybag : Well you told me to keep an eye on her ma'am!
Karen : I didn't tell you to put the jackboots on and strip-search the lawyer!

Bodybag receives a bollocking and is told that if the solicitor makes a formal complaint Karen won't protect her...

Karen : You've only just got those pips back, no more cock-ups, right?

Bodybag is left staring down at her pips with a woeful expression on her face, Gina can't resist the opportunity to flash her a smug smile but is cut off at the pass...

Bodybag : Don't say a word!

At the end of her shift, Di makes another last-ditch attempt to get Josh on board and sidles up to him in a corridor, brandishing forms and leaflets in his seems that she's finally made a breakthrough because Josh now seems really interested...she leaves for the night and he's left flicking through the leaflets she's given him.

On the wing, Barbara makes a phonecall to Monica...wonder why???

Back at home, Di seems all sweetness and light as she serves her mother her tea, firstly she forgets to put sugar in the old battleaxe's tea and then is cross-examined about their upcoming holiday in Spain...turns out Di's been thinking, she doesn't think that Spain's a good idea because of the heat etc etc etc...during this conversation, it becomes clear that Di's not a complete baddie - Mrs Barker seems like the sort of woman who knows her own mind and makes sure that everyone else does too and you start to feel a bit sorry for her...

Di's Mum : I sit here, day in and day out, chained to this flaming chair!
Di : And how do you think I feel? Chained to you?

Oooops, looks like Di's head's just gone pop because she bangs the now sugared cup of tea down on the tray, scalding her mother in the process...she realises that she's gone to far and apologises, placating her mother by promising her that they will go to Spain.

Back on the wing, a hovering Shell spots Barbara on the way back to her cell...

Shell : Oi rich bitch! I've run out of bog-roll, you got any fifties to wipe me arse on?
Barbara : I don't think you'd find them very absorbent Shell. (Turns to the rest of the wing) If I could just say something.
Shaz : Put some money in me spends for a phonecard.
Denny : Yeah, you owe us.
Barbara : I don't blame you for being angry, you gave me support and I let you down, but I think Iíve done something just now which will help to redress that balance.

Shell mimes a huge yawn and the Julies give her their normal 'piece missing' look.

Barbara : A lot of you know about Monica Lindsey and her halfway house, it's been said that it's a pity that there aren't more of them to help women coming out of prison, after what Iíve just agreed to there's going to be another one.
Shell : You givin' Monica some money?
Barbara : I've set aside half a million in a separate account.

Pause here to notice Nikki's admiring look and Bodybag's look of complete astonishment.

Barbara : My step-children might get the rest of it but they'll never get their grubby little hands on that.
Shell : What about us in 'ere? What do we get?
Yvonne : (Bored voice) Shut up Dockley!
Denny : Straight up? A halfway house?
Barbara : Straight up.
Julie J : (To Bodybag) Did you 'ear that Miss?
Bodybag : I'll believe that when I see it!
Barbara : After what Iíve just been through, Iíd hardly lie, would I?
Bodybag : (Huffs and walks away)
Shaz : Any chance of a teeny little phonecard n'all?
Barbara : I might just manage that.
Denny : (Huge grin) Cool!
Julie S : You're top Babsy!

Well would you credit it??? Brilliant use of initiative by Babs there and although Shell and Bodybag might be disappointed that the aggro's over, the rest of the wing think she's the bee's knees.

Meanwhile, Di's surveying her McAllister shrine, but not for long because she sweeps the lot off the top of her dressing-table and then starts scraping his name off her mirror and removing the photographs.

Back in her cell, Yvonne is looking at the pendant that Charlie sent and gets the note out for another look, we now see that it reads...

I'm relying on you darling -
Please don't let me down.
Love you

And we leave her with a smile on her that the smile of a woman plotting revenge or the smile of a woman who's well and truly had the wool pulled over her eyes?? Well, I suppose we'll find out next week.

Back in the house of mad, Di stows all of Dominic's stuff away in her wardrobe in a box marked 'DOMINIC' and then closes the door on it...she picks up her nail varnish and begins to write on the now clean mirror...


Oooh eck!!!

See you next week...  

Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)

Top Dog of the Week
Me, predictable? Never! Not even a sniff of Helen this week, so Yvonne takes the honours. She looked fine (even though her taste in outfits leaves something to be desired); she had some brilliant lines; she got her end away; and she saw Bodybag make a fool of herself. That smirk at the end had to mean she was thinking up ways to get back at Charlie, rather than delighted at the prospect of making up with him.

Gina Rossi certainly showed Shell who's boss. And she gets extra Zan points for being the first person to say "twatting" in ages!

Josh gets kudos for being an all-round good egg to Di. Let's hope he'll live to regret it...

Twatting Twat of the Week
Gina Rossi. Got on my tits in 5 minutes flat. On the plus side, she wound up Bodybag too.

Denny and Shaz for getting caught - and the others for taking up the Julies' bright idea.

Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Mrs Barker - all she wants is a holiday in the sun and she gets a slap and the offer of a few days in Cornwall.

Spin Doctor of the Week
Barbara did a fab job of getting the girls back onside. Posh Bitch and Rich Bitch - dream team!

Worst Girl of the Week
Di's threatening behaviour towards her mother was indefensible.

Bodybag gets a framed wooden spoon for dropping Babs in it.

Best Line of the Week
Yvonne: He's a professional isn't he?
Nikki: Well he's gonna have to be!

The Gina/Yvonne exchange at Bodybag's expense.

Yvonne: These people don't talk, Barbara, they pull teeth out, things like that.

Yvonne: I wouldn't trust him further than I could push him with my piss. *lmao*

Karen: Another triumph for your softly-softly approach.
[Ooo Filbert, sarcasm and pinstripes; calm yourself woman]

Di [to Josh]: I think they'd jump at you. [...bit like I'm going to... got any rabbits?]

Bodybag: You know, Iím not convinced he's a lawyer, he didn't look devious enough.

Bodybag: If that bloke was a lawyer, I'm a jumbo-jet!
[Hi I'm Sylvia, fly me!]

Julie J: Dear Miss Hunt...
Julie S: are a...

[Brilliant use of the rhyme there from the Julies]

Yvonne: Shut up Dockley! [Again, the beauty of the Yvonne put-down is always in the tone used, this time it was that bored with the edge of menace voice]

Worst Line of the Week
Anything Gina said either to or about her boyfriend.

Gina: Well, it's your lucky day sweetheart. They've given you someone with real balls for a change.

Nikki: You're a shit. [Get off your high horse you sanctimonious sulker]

Shell: Piss off you wop cow.

Di: Every cloud has a silver lining. [This truly pathetic cliche was used by Di twice during the episode, second time Babs was on the end of it and it was as up there in the pathetic stakes with Babs' own 'Oh well, at least you still have your studies' comment from the last episode - not very nice when you're on the receiving end is it Babs?]

Shell: I'll give 'em blood, buckets of it! [Purely for the psychotic grin on her face when she says it]

Warring Faction of the Week
Barbara and the stepkids from hell. Although you have to see their point of view; she is a multi-millionaire bigamist who killed their old man.

Bodybag and Gina Rossi...they obviously get up each other's noses, although all we've had is sparring so far, I have a feeling that they'll be at each other's throats before the series is out.

Best Performance by an Extra
No great Extra moments this week; Dawn gets it just for putting in an appearance - first on the stairs and then talking (yes, talking!) to Josh.

Sight of the Week
Nikki and Yvonne looking drop-dead gorgeous and as though they were about to snog in the doorway to Nikki's cell! There was massive subtext going on there; eye contact and smirking, and Nikki was totally checking Yvonne out as she left the room!

Denny and Shaz, tongues practically hanging out for Gina Rossi.

Return of the DST!

Di putting a box marked "Dominic" in her cupboard... was I the only one wondering how many others she's got stashed away... and what the hell might be in them?

Bodybag grabbing hold of Shaz when she was about to launch herself at Babs Ė she ends up linking arms with her and swings her round 360 degrees - it's 'Hoe-down Hollamby'!!!

Barbara slapping the step-son from hell round the kisser with a swing that would have Mike Tyson in raptures.

Shell's face when she realises that Gina Rossi is her new personal officer...I can see trouble ahead, especially when the new officer clashes with Nikki.

Di Barker being Nikkiesque and storming out of the officers' room before slamming the door behind her...who else heard that ghostly 'Ooooh, who slapped her tits?' floating down from the heavens?

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
G-Wing's payphone clearly has the fastest redial in the history of telecommunications.

Again, on the subject of the phone calls...where did the Scooby gang get the phone numbers (and addresses) for the step-children from hell?? Babs wasn't in on the intimidation campaign and as far as we know, neither was Nikki and she was possibly the only person who could've got hold of the information from Babs.

OK, Denny and Shaz were guilty of threatening behaviour and harassment, but attempting to pervert the course of justice? How?

Shell joining in with the gang to defend Barbara's honour...okay, we know that if there's the slightest whiff of aggro she'll jump in, but it wasn't that long ago that 'Posh Bitch' broke the Larkhall Slasher's wrist was it??

The Police referring Babs' case to the CPS to see if they can charge her with Peter's murder...I didn't think someone could be tried for the same offence twice?? Or is it maybe because Babs was charged with manslaughter the first time?? Could she be re-charged and re-tried for murder???

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