Season 3, Episode 15: Cat & Mouse
Recap by Filbertfox
Questions for this week...
1. Will anyone discover Virginia's secret before her face falls apart?
2. Is Fenner finally going to get his comeuppance?
3. Does Nikki's absence mean that she'll be returning with a new
4. Will Barbara suddenly realise that she's supposed to have
Okay, let's get started...
Mark arrives for work and is most pissed off when Di catches up with
him, frantic for news about Gina who we find out has lost the
baby...Mark, as you might imagine is more than a little pissed off with
Di who tries for the 'she hit me first' defence...Mark isn't listening
though, as far as he's concerned Di is 100% to blame...too right!!!
Di : Look, we've got to work together, can we not put it behind
Mark : Just stay away from me and we'll get along fine!
Just have to say here...have just rewound this bit and just before the
Di and Mark bit, Helen can be seen arriving with an armful of files...is
it just me or does she look more and more like she's walking around with
a shinty stick shoved up her rear end with every episode??
Inside the prison, Helen is struggling with her files as she unlocks a
gate...dizzy mare drops one just as she steps through which gives
dashing Dr Yes Yes the opportunity to run along to help...he asks if
she's okay and she tells him that she's tired and that she'll be fine
after a dose of caffeine...he's got other ideas though and tells her
that he'll be along to her office later with a dose of vitamin
pills...the two check the corridor and kiss quickly before each heading
their separate ways...unfortunately, they didn't notice Fenner standing
just around the corner...he saw the whole exchange through a mirror and
is left smirking like a pantomime villain...he's behind you Helen!!
In the officers' room, it's time for the daily meeting and Mark thanks
the others for the flowers they've sent to Gina...Karen sympathises and
welcomes him onto the wing - he's either covering for Gina in her
absence or has been transferred - anyway, Karen also informs the others
that Crystal will need an escort for her court case that day and Bodybag
is assigned the task...
Bodybag : (Swells up self-importantly) It'll be my pleasure.
Also, it turns out that Nikki is sitting an OU exam that morning. After
her exam, she needs to be escorted to the lifer's meeting...a duty
Fenner volunteers for immediately...he's obviously relishing the
opportunity to stick the boot in about Helen and Dr Yes Yes.
When the others go about their duties, Josh is left alone to sort
through the mail...amongst the pile on the desk he comes across a
package addressed to him...inside, he finds a video tape with the words
'For Crystal'...hmmmm, the envelope is covered in Spanish stamps...could
this be more aggro from Shell or something that could help Crystal's
In her cell, Virginia is stretching her legs, sitting in a wheelchair
all day must be starting to take its toll...the door is knocked and she
manages to get back into her chair in the nick of time, just as Fenner
pokes his ugly mug around the door...he's surprised that she's managed
to get herself into her chair on her own, but the smug look on his face
suggests that he thought she was swinging the lead anyway...
Fenner : No need to strain yourself.
Virginia : You just concentrate on getting my money into the bank
Fenner : Don't worry...you've got no troubles on the business front.
Virginia : (Wheeling herself out of the cell) I hear that everything's
going as smoothly as a bishop up a verger's arse!
Josh toddles off to the library and sticks the video he's received into
the tape player...he switches it on and we see Denny...
Denny : Y'alright Josh? Didn't expect to see me again did ya?
Up in Helen's office...she's massaging her shoulders with a painful look
on her face as she reads the list of brothel addresses Yvonne gave her.
Dr Yes Yes arrives bearing vitamin pills and Helen downs them in one. He
sits down opposite and starts to throw doubt on 'Operation Fenner',
wondering if Yvonne might be 'jerking Helen's chain'...Helen protests
and he changes direction, saying that he's sick of spending his nights
parked up outside massage parlours and that he wants for them to spend
time alone...Helen's adamant though, she'll catch Fenner even if it
means she's got to spend the rest of her life doing it. Yes Yes suggests
that maybe she should go to Virginia and tell her that unless she gives
Fenner up, she'll call the police, Helen points out the obvious flaw
which is her lack of evidence and that it would just give Virginia an
opportunity to warn Fenner off...Yes Yes has had enough of this and
pulls a Nikki by storming out of the office in a strop...two things to
notice here - 1) He doesn't pull it off half as well as Nikki does. 2)
Helen tugs on his jacket and tries to apologise...oh, so it's okay if he
sulks is it?? Anyway, he pisses off and Helen is left alone.
Back in the library...
Denny : I want to set things straight by Crystal...Shell shouldn'ta
done what she did and I don't want Crystal gettin' in no
trouble...Crystal didn't even wanna help us - don't blame her
really...she didn't want us messin' things up for 'er...Shell didn't see
it that way and she planted the drugs and made the phone call, stitched
'er up good and proper! I didn't know what she'd done, not at the
time...anyway, I just wanted to let you know...that's it really...(Takes
a drag of her cigarette and shrugs)...tell Bodybag - thanks for putting
us up...and tell Shaz Wiley...tell er...love you mate.
Out on the wing, a frantically protesting Crystal is being led off to
Bodybag : If you weren't in league with those two monsters...why
didn't you call the police in the first place?
Crystal has no answer for this and is taken away.
Meanwhile, Al catches up with Shaz...it seems that she heard Shaz's
shouted challenge and is prepared to take her up on it...Shaz tries to
talk her way out of it but Al's on a mission now, and, detecting the
presence of Maxi in the background tries to lean on Shaz...Yvonne spots
what's going on and decides that she's not going to walk away this time
and backs Shaz up by telling Al and Maxi about Dionne's training...
Yvonne : Turned into a right little scrapper since she started her
Al : What?
Yvonne : Come on Shaz...let's give 'em a demo!
Yvonne tells Julie J to pass her a tray and tells her to hold the other
end...Shaz winds up and kicks the tray, snapping it in half...it's very
impressive, but incredibly unbelievable, but anyway, it puts the wind up
Maxi and Al who return to the Boot Gang HQ in silence...Shaz is left
looking very pleased with herself...amazing that isn't it? Weedy pigeon
to Black belt in the space of an episode.
Yvonne returns to her cell...and someone should tell her, she looks a
lot better when she lets her shirts hang out!! Anyway, Helen's not far
Yvonne : Are you okay? You look knackered Miss.
Helen : (Wearily and more than a little pissed off) I've been spending
far too many nights outside those addresses you gave me.
Yvonne : And?
Helen : (Through gritted teeth) And sod all!
Yvonne : Don't give up now...Fenner's in with her, I promise you.
Helen : Promises aren't enough Yvonne!
Yvonne : Listen to me...(Walks towards Helen)...Lauren says that
O'Kane's business is going great...makes no difference she's in here,
someone's gotta be helping her.
Helen : Doesn't have to be Fenner though does it?
Yvonne : (Showing annoyance) She's taking the perks from him I'm telling
you! He's in and out her cell like a candle in a convent!
Break here for quick nun joke...
Two nuns in a bath, one says to the other - "Where's the soap" and the
other nun replies - "Yes, it does, doesn't it?"
Anyway, back to the action...
Helen : I need something more specific Yvonne...like a time and a
place! Can't you get O'Kane to open up to you? (Pronounced 'open oop ter
yer', coz she's Scottish, innit?)
Yvonne : What's she gonna tell me?
Helen : Then scare something outta her! And quick!
Helen exits the cell and leaves Yvonne speechless.
In a classroom, Nikki is beavering away on her OU exam...glancing up at
the clock in a panic before returning to her frantic scribbling...it's
too late though because the alarm sounds...
Invigilator : The exam is at an end...finish your sentences please.
Ooooh dear!! Nikki obviously didn't take the opportunity to get her
barnet sorted out!! It's not so much of a blatant Billy the Fish mullet
now but it's still greasy enough for 'Harry Ramsden's' to want to take a
franchise out on her head and she's sort of swept it all to one
side...you never know, maybe this is a Bobby Charlton type attempt at
hiding rampant alopecia!!!
There's worse in store for Nikki though, she's about to be escorted to
the lifer's meeting by the Hooded Claw...
Fenner : (Smarmy grin) Spell your name wrong did you?
Nikki : Take the piss...probably the only thing you could pass an exam
Fenner : Actually, I'm a firm believer in education...especially for
no-hopers like you Wade!
Nikki : Shove it Fenner!
Fenner : No, I mean it...the more you can learn the better...for
instance, did you know that your girlfriend - Miss Stewart - is shagging
the new SMO?
Nikki responds in her normal way...murderous glare at Fenner before
stalking off, leaving him smiling smugly in her wake.
Outside in the exercise yard, Maxine catches up with Tina...
Maxine : Oi Teen! Did you get them batteries off old no-legs?
Turns out that Maxine has ordered Tina to take advantage of her
friendship with Virginia to nick batteries for the radio in their
cell...Tina tells her sister that it 'doesn't feel right nicking off
Virginia' before proudly pointing out the hair bobble that Virginia has
given her...Maxine, as you might expect, isn't that impressed...
Maxine : Bitch is turning you as soft as her knee-caps! If you can't
do nuffing useful with 'er then I don't want you going near 'er!
(Watches Tina turn away and fold her arms in a huff) Did you 'ear me?
Tina makes an attempt to storm off but Maxine pulls her back and is
obviously about to stick the boot in...well, until she sees Yvonne
emerging from the door to the courtyard...the two stare each other out
for a moment before Yvonne returns inside and it's clear from the look
on Maxine's face that she's won this particular battle of wills, so,
Maxine turns back to Tina...
Maxine : We've got a job to do in this nick...scratch Atkins' name
off and put ours on it...right? You gonna let our name down after all
dad's done to give it yer?
Tina : Dad named me Tina Purvis, not Tina Peckham Boot Gang!
Maxine : If you i'nt wiv the gang you ain't a proper Purvis...now fink
Tina storms off...obviously Maxine's going to have to come up with
something a little more drastic to pull her back into the fold!
Up in the lifer's meeting...Shaz is displaying her new high-kicking
skills, the others, apart from Nikki who is pulling a Kevin the
Teenager, applaud when she sits down...Helen is quick to congratulate
her on her new skills but tells Shaz that she would've preferred it if
she'd learnt something that might help her get a new job on the
Shaz : I'm gonna be a world champion kick-boxer!
Nikki : (Arms folded, heavy on the sarcasm) Yeah! Shaz Van Damme!
Shaz : Yeah...well I'll get work in it somehow and I'm going for it!
Helen : (Smiling supportively) Then I wish you lots of luck Shaz!
Nikki : (Turning on Helen) What I wish is that the bloody Home Office
would make up its mind what prison's for! 'Cause if they really wanted
us to improve ourselves they'd stop paying us less for education than
for shitty prison jobs wouldn't they?
Other inmates : (Rumble of approval)
Helen : Is there anyone who thinks that I don't agree? (Pause to look
around the table) You see, that's why I want more of you to prove what a
difference education can make. (Pause to see Nikki rolling her eyes like
a sulky adolescent) So...that's where we'll pick up next time!
The others leave the room then, Nikki goes to follow but is stopped by a
concerned looking Helen...
Helen : How did your exam go? Not good?
Nikki : (Sulkily) It went great.
Helen : (Frowning) So why are you being so lippy?
Nikki : Is it true you're shagging the new SMO? (Sees cornered rat
expression on Helen's face) Just thought you might've told me yourself
rather than letting Fenner do it for you!
Nikki storms out, Helen's left with a wistful look on her face and all
the while, the soppy music is playing in the background.
Out on the wing, Yvonne strolls over to see Virginia who has just
wheeled herself out of her cell...
Yvonne : Virginia! I think you and me need to have a word.
Virginia : (Dismissive) I don't think that you and I have one word in
Yvonne : (Looks around shiftily) Oh yes we do...darling...(Leans over
End of Part One...
In Virginia's cell...
Virginia : This better be worth keeping me from my lunch!
Yvonne : My Lauren knows all about your little empire...reckons you're
being ripped off...big time.
Virginia : (Shakes head dismissively) I don't think so.
Yvonne : By this fella...John Farmer I think she said his name
was...ring a bell? (Wanders over to sit down on the bunk by Virginia's
chair) Sounds like a real mean bastard!
Virginia : John and I go back a long way...he's my right hand man.
Yvonne : Yeah? Well word's out he's squeezing your girls for an extra
Virginia : He better not be!
Yvonne : It ain't exactly hard is it - taking advantage of you, being
banged up in here, in that thing.
Virginia : I'm not helpless...look, what are you angling for?
Yvonne : Business...I reckon my Lauren would do a better job of running
your massage parlours, least she wouldn't do the dirty like your Mr
Virginia : If he is.
Yvonne : Fine! As long as you're happy. (Gets up to leave) It's your
Virginia : Wait! (Waits until Yvonne turns round from the door) There's
a pick-up tonight in Fellows Lane...maybe Lauren would like to make
herself known to my receptionist.
Yvonne leaves the cell and Virginia at last knows that she has Fenner
off her back...better watch out for low flying bullets Fenner if
Lauren's getting involved!!
Up on G3, Helen turns up to speak to Nikki and we know that we're in for
a tough time because the soppy music is playing in the background
Helen : (Pokes head around cell door to find Nikki sitting on her
book reading) Can I come in?
Nikki : (Puts book down) I'm sorry about what I said to you...whoever
you're with it's none of my business.
Helen : No, I'm sorry that you found out from Fenner...I owe you more
Nikki : Yeah, well...(Looks up and smiles) Trust him not to miss a good
Helen : (Angrily) I don't want him scoring anything over you
Nikki : (Smiles as if to say - who whistled up your kilt?) So, you
managed to find the one nice guy in this dump eh? (Plain to see that
she's holding back tears here) A doctor.
Helen : (Smiles, although doesn't seem that happy) Yeah...he is.
Nikki : Is it serious?
Helen : Early days...maybe.
Nikki : Well don't feel bad for me...I've got a new life waiting outside
for me once this appeal's out of the way.
Helen : (Looks upset for a moment and then smiles) Hey...now you're
Nikki : (Tears in eyes) So...good luck I guess.
Helen : Yeah...thanks.
Helen leaves the cell and Nikki leans back against the wall, taking her
frantically wobbling bottom lip with her...note, the George Eliot
postcard is still pinned to her notice board...good signs to note here
for H&N fans...the conversation was on several different levels and more
was said silently with the tearful look in Nikki's eye and the wistful
look in Helen's than in most of this series...there's still feelings
running deep there...bet on it!! Don't forget, it ain't over until the
fat lady sings and we've only seen Felicity once so far this series!!!
Down on the landing, Maxine is most pissed off to see that Tina is
sitting with Virginia again, and not just that...Virginia is applying
make-up for her...but, the action shifts quickly and we see Crystal
arriving back on the wing...the judge has adjourned her case until the
following day, the Julies are sympathetic, guess who isn't...
Bodybag : She'll get's what coming to her!
The Julies protest, but Bodybag's in full flow now...
Bodybag : Shell Dockley and Denny Blood were going to roast my Bobby
alive and she gave them refuge!
Bodybag flounces away then giving Yvonne the chance for another classic
Yvonne : Being married to that old cow he probably needed warming up!
Crystal mopes back to her cell then just as Nikki walks down the stairs,
she stares after Crystal concerned for a moment before ambling over to
speak to Barbara who has also noticed Crystal's arrival...
Barbara : Poor Girl! This trial must be torture for her.
Nikki : (Crouches down and leans against the table) Yeah...makes me
wonder what my turn is going to be like.
Barbara : You should be looking forward to your appeal...being with
Nikki : Helen's got someone else, dashing Dr Waugh.
Barbara : (Puts hand on Nikki's arm) Oh Nikki!
Nikki : Still...gotta look forward I suppose!
Nikki leaves and Barbara returns to scribbling in her diary.
Yvonne's leaning against the gate to the wing when she sees Helen
walking out of the officers' room...she calls her over and delivers the
Yvonne : Fenner's collecting tonight...Fellows Lane.
Helen : Brilliant! Thank you.
Yvonne : Anything to see that bastard go down!
Crystal's crying in her cell when Josh finally manages to get away to
give her the good news about the video...she doesn't think that she can
take much more but her face is a picture when Josh tells her about the
video and that it's now sitting on her lawyer's desk...let's hope that
Denny's last minute intervention does the trick for our Crystal!!
In the Boot Gang HQ, Tina's putting make-up on, watched by a very pissed
off looking Maxine...
Maxine : Virginia O'Kane teach you that? (Smiles reassuringly when
Tina looks away, scared) I'm only asking!
Tina : So what? She's going to teach me how to cleanse and tone at
Maxine : So I'm gonna have to teach you summink too...Tina! (Grabs
Tina's hair and pulls her head back, taking Tina's lipstick and drawing
on her face) You'll do what I tell you to do! (Camera pans around and we
see Tina's face covered in lipstick) That's pretty innit? I catch you
with O'Kane again and I'll do it with a blade!
That night, a very tired looking Helen is staking out the massage
parlour in Fellows Lane and swigging water out of a bottle...yeah right!
Pull the other one, I bet it's really got vodka in it! Anyway, she's
yawning like a drain so let's hope that Fenner turns up soon!!!
Back on the wing, Maxi decides to put the boot in with Virginia...
Maxine : Listen witch! You stop treating my sister like a pissing
Virginia : The only person who treats Tina like a slave is you!
Maxine grabs the magazine that Virginia is reading and throws it onto
the ground, she's prevented from doing any more menacing by a lurking
Mark, she returns the magazine but is hit by an idea when a passing
Bodybag shouts up to the Julies who are mopping up on G2...the other
inmates are queuing up for their flasks and Bodybag wants to know why
they aren't on schedule...the Julies reply that someone's thrown up in
the toilets...Maxine announces that it's Al's sick and that they will
clear it up...Bodybag's astounded, and so's Al, she has no intention of
cleaning up anyone's sick, well, until Maxine tips her the nod, a
gesture that's not missing by Yvonne and Babs who are standing nearby.
It all becomes clear when Al picks up the mop bucket and tips a bit of
water off the landing...it lands on Virginia's magazine and she looks up
to see Al drop the bucket off the landing...it lands on the wheelchair
but Virginia, showing amazing dexterity for someone who's lost the use
of her legs, manages to jump away in the nick of time...almost
immediately, she realises what she's done and tries to appease the
inmates who are now crowding around her menacingly...
Virginia : Oh my God! I can walk...I can walk! It's a miracle!
A passing Bodybag gives voice to the frantic chuntering amongst the
Bodybag : A miracle my eye!
The Julies aren't slow in showing their displeasure either...
Julie J : You cow!
Julie S : You cow! You 'ad us running round like bleedin' skivvies!
And as the other inmates start to shout and make threatening noises, a
petrified looking Virginia is herded back into her cell. The taunts and
the threats continue after lock up and she is left crying
pathetically...brought it on yourself!! No sympathy!!
Back on the outside...Helen finally hits the jackpot when Fenner's car
turns up outside the massage parlour...she sits there and watches him
walk in with a face like she's just crapped herself extensively...is she
going to be able to confront him on her own???
End of Part Two...
Fenner leaves the massage parlour and is about to climb into his car
when he receives a nasty surprise...
Fenner : Helen...what are you doing here?
Helen : I'd heard you'd got a new interest.
Fenner : (Hides his surprise extremely well) I'm sorry Helen, you've
Helen : This place is owned by Virginia O'Kane, you're running things
while she's inside.
Fenner : You're in fantasy land love. (Gestures to car) Here, hop
in...I'll give you a lift home, it's not safe out here on your own.
Helen : Oh I can look after myself, it's you who should be shitting it!
Fenner : (Loses temper and slams car door shut...walking around the
front of the car to confront Helen) You think you scare me? (Pushes
Helen up against the wall threateningly) You saw me coming out of a
knocking shop...big bloody deal! A man has needs...even you understand
that don't you.
Helen : (Obviously bricking it and having a severe wobbly moment but
looks Fenner straight in the eye and refuses to be intimidated) That's
right, you get as close as you can...(Glances towards the end of the
street)...I've got a friend across the road and he's got a camera...he's
already caught you coming out of O'Kane's and now he's getting this.
(Laughs) You're so predictable Jim!
Fenner : (Backs away and looks towards car parked at the end of the
street) You can't prove a thing.
Helen : (Takes a step towards Fenner) You know, it's Karen I feel sorry
for - when she finds out that she's been sharing you with a gang of
massage parlour tarts!
Fenner : (Now extremely wobbly) There's no need to bring Karen into
Helen : (Realises she's got Fenner on the ropes and steps close to him)
I don't have to...as long as I get your resignation.
Fenner : (Shocked) What?
Helen : You heard...think about it, but don't take too long, I'm getting
my photos developed tomorrow morning!
Fenner watches Helen walk away...he's a man up to his neck in shit now
and we can only wonder whether he has any of his nine lives
remaining...how the hell is he going to get himself out of this one??
The following day, Fenner goes straight to speak to Virginia, but alas,
Helen's got there first and he's caught on the hop again...
Helen : Mr Fenner! What a surprise! Have you come to gawp at the
Virginia : (Shrugs) These things happen.
Helen : I'm sure...especially when a bucket's been dropped on your head!
(Turns back to Fenner) Was there anything else Mr Fenner?
Fenner : (Thinks for a moment and then turns to leave the cell) No.
Helen : Don't want to discuss last night's takings with Virginia?
There's a bit of a triangle moment here which I'm sure made Ms O'Mara
feel right at home...'Triangle'...geddit?? Anyway...Helen favours Fenner
with a smug smile, Virginia gawps over at Fenner in complete shock and
Fenner looks at both of them, face twitching madly as he tries to keep
it expressionless...he leaves then and Virginia frantically tries to
protest her innocence, Helen's not stupid though and lays it all on the
line - she knows that Fenner's been collecting from her massage parlours
for her...still, Virginia doesn't roll over that easily...
Virginia : Me trust a screw? I was crippled, not stupid!
Helen tells Virginia that she saw Fenner coming out of the massage
parlour last night, but still, Virginia keeps her cool and denies
everything...we'd just better hope that Fenner carries on believing the
bluff about the photographs because Helen's got flop-all else in the way
Helen leaves Virginia then and catches up with Fenner in the officers'
room...she continues to bluff and tells him that Virginia's told him
everything and that as well as the non-existent photographs, she has
records of bank deposits...she makes another demand for Fenner's
resignation...he agrees but tells her that he needs time to explain
things to Karen...
Fenner : You'll have my resignation on your desk by the end of the
Cheers are heard up and down the country as Helen leaves the officers'
room...it would take Houdini to get out of this one!!!
Later...Karen's doling out the duties for the day and instructs Bodybag
that she'll be escorting Crystal back to court...she also informs the
POs that she'll be appearing as a character witness and hopes that
Crystal will get off...as always, Bodybag finds something to moan
Bodybag : Hmm! Getting off on the say so of another con, and one on
the run at that! If that's what passes for British justice then I've
half a mind to emigrate!
Josh : That's if anywhere'd have you!
Just then, as if by magic...Helen appears...she tells Karen and the
assembled POs that she wants Virginia kept in her cell for her own
protection and that she doesn't want any contact between her and the
other inmates and officers except Mark who she assigns the duty of
keeping an eye on Virginia...and, as if by magic...she disappears.
Bodybag : Ooooh! What's all that about? Anyone would think that she
didn't trust us!
Fenner's face is a picture in the background here!! Trust old Bodybag to
knock the nail right on the head...albeit unintentionally. And again,
she gets the chance to shine again when the POs leave the meeting...
Bodybag : Pity...I was dreaming up a few things to say to Miss O'Kane
Just when we were beginning to fear that Fenner was about to take the
whole thing lying down, he collars Di on her way out of the door and
asks her a favour...
Fenner : I can trust you to be discreet can't I?
Di : You know you can...what's wrong?
Fenner : I've had information...there's something going on between Nikki
Wade and the number one.
Di : Something going on?
Fenner : Oh come on Di! I don't have to spell it out do I?
Di : (Laughs incredulously) That's ridiculous! Miss Stewart's seeing the
new doctor isn't she? She's not...
Fenner : I know it's hard to believe but my source is a suit, not a con.
Di : Have you told Miss Betts?
Fenner : They said that the less people we involve, the more chance
we've got of sorting this out under wraps...that's why I need your help.
Di : What do they want us to do?
Fenner : (Glances over his shoulder shiftily) First they need hard proof
and i'll lay money that we'll find it in that diary that Barbara Hunt's
Di : She's certainly very close to Nikki.
Fenner : Exactly! So while the women are at work I want you to search
Di : What? Unofficially?
Fenner : Di...you gonna help me or not?
Mark's on sentry duty outside Virginia's cell...the Julies and Shaz
pass, slagging Virginia off and are overheard by the Boot Gang who are
hovering on the other side of the landing...Maxi doesn't waste an
opportunity to put the boot in...
Maxine : (To Tina) You 'ear what they're saying about your mate?
Al : Took you for a right spazzer didn't she?
Just a bit further down the landing, Barbara is also making her
displeasure known to a very ambivalent looking Nikki...
Barbara : Imagine pretending you're disabled!
Nikki : To be honest I don't really care! I just want to tune into life,
you know? Music, films... basic bollocks so I don't sound like some kind
of freak when I get out of here.
Barbara : So you are looking forward then?
Nikki : Phoned Trish last night.
Barbara : And?
Nikki : (Big dopey grin) Good to talk to her. (Leans towards Barbara
conspiratorially) She's on her own again.
This conversation is interrupted by a PO with a letter for
Barbara...just before I go on with that I have to comment on the
possible resurrection of Nikki and Trish...could this be the one thing
that spurs Helen into action and forces her to drop the smarmy doc???
But who cares?? If I was Nikki I'd prefer going back to someone who left
me for another woman rather than someone who seems to have had a heart
and brain transplant!! And plus...given the choice, would you chose Yes
Yes's sloppy seconds???
Anyway...on with the action...
The letter is obviously important because Barbara regards it like it's
an unexploded bomb and looks over at Nikki nervously...
Nikki : Do you want me?
Barbara : Would you?
Nikki : Yeah. (Takes the letter, opens it and reads it) The Crown
Prosecution Service has decided that there is no case to answer!
(Notices that Barbara looks like Nikki's just told her that she's got
six months to live) Did you hear me Babs? (Brandishes the letter)
They've dropped the murder charge!
Nikki and Barbara hug...my first impression of Barbara's stunned
reaction is relief, but then the cynical side of me begins to kick in
and wonders whether it might be guilt...is she a woman who knows that
she's gotten away with murder??? Nah!! No chance...forget I said it.
Yvonne walks down the stairs at this point...and thank God, she's back
in the black shirt!! She spots Helen walking across the wing, Helen
turns and gives Yvonne a discreet thumbs up and Yvonne responds by
smiling triumphantly. Hey girls...let's not count our chickens yet eh???
Karen's in her office when she receives a visit from a PO...he places a
brown paper bag on her desk...
PO : I think you'll want to see this.
Hmmmm...wonder what that's about???
Dr Yes Yes has a chance to show off his bedside manner again, this time
with Virginia who continues to maintain that her recovery is a
miracle...Yes Yes agrees that there is a precedent for this -
spontaneous remission - but chooses to believe the worst and insinuates
that Virginia made the condition up because she thought it would make
life easier for her inside...she protests and tells him that her medical
records will prove that she does have the illness...he's not as green as
he's cabbage looking though and correctly surmises that the doctor who
diagnosed her illness was also one of her clients...we can see by the
look on Virginia's face that this was not a wild stab in the dark.
In a repeat of S2Ep13...Crystal heads off to court, the other inmates
are so confident of her release that they line up to greet her as she
prepares to leave the wing...hopefully for the last time...
Julie S : Carry on putting in a good word for us upstairs eh?
Bodybag : She's a tea-leaf not flaming Mother Teresa!
Bodybag receives a call on her radio then...it seems that Karen wants to
see Crystal before she leaves...so, Crystal is taken up to Karen's
office and receives the shock of her life when the contents of the paper
bag are revealed...she's not the only one either...
Bodybag : (Aghast) My clock!
Karen reveals that the officer who brought the clock along to her
earlier found it in a charity shop...he asked questions and the
assistant remembered the woman who had taken it to the shop...
Karen : It was you...wasn't it Crystal?
End of Part Three...
Off to make a brew...back soon!!
Back in Karen's office, Bodybag's quick to get stuck in...
Bodybag : You stole my wedding anniversary present before I'd even
had chance to set eyes on it! You spiteful little...
Karen : That's enough Sylvia!
Crystal : I don't know why I did it!
Bodybag : I do! Because you're a born criminal!
Karen : Sylvia! Leave it!
Despite Crystal's protests that she gave the clock to a charity shop and
didn't sell it, Karen's totally unswayed...Crystal's broken the terms of
her parole and there's no way she's going to be able to give her a
favourable character reference...
Karen : I'm going to have to tell them that you're untrustworthy and
that you're a thief!
Meanwhile, back on the wing...Di's spinning Babs' cell but she can't
find the diary...Fenner pops in to see how she's getting on and doesn't
receive the bad news very well...he's getting desperate by the moment
and tells Di that she's going to have to search Helen's office while he
carries on looking for the diary...
Di : (Totally aghast) I'm not rooting round the number one's office!
Sorry Jim, but I don't care who's trying to prove what she did with
Nikki Wade! (Turns to leave the cell)
Fenner : (Strides over to the door and closes it, pinning Di against the
wall) What if people find out about you eh?
Di : What?
Fenner : About how you left your mum to die in her own piss!
Di : You wouldn't!
Fenner : I dug you out the shit Di, now it's your turn to help me
Fenner leaves the cell then...Di has no choice but to help him now and
she knows it.
Outside, Tina makes a break for Virginia's cell door while Mark is
distracted and shouts that she doesn't care what anyone else says, as
far as she's concerned, Virginia's innocent...this scene is witnessed by
Maxine who looks like she might be on the verge of killing her sister...
Maxine : How many times do I have to friggin' tell 'er Al?
Al : That's your Tina...wants to be up everyone else's arse!
Maxine : (Homicidal glare over at Virginia's cell) Yeah, well that old
bastard wants to watch 'ers 'cause when they let her out...(Shakes head
and inhales deeply from her cigarette)
Anyone else get the feeling that we might be in for another Renee
Williams whodunnit?? Bet it coincides with the end of season cliffhanger
Di arrives in Helen's office...it's plain to see that she's crapping
herself but she proceeds to have a good old root through the papers on
The other inmates are shocked when Crystal is led back onto the
wing...she's been found guilty of harbouring dangerous criminals and
Bodybag takes great delight in informing all and sundry that Karen
discovered 'little Miss Innocent's true character before she took the
stand' and gave her a crappy character reference...Crystal mopes back to
her cell, obviously heartbroken while Josh watches, concerned from the
door of the officers' room...shit! It's only a matter of time before he
finds out about the clock!!
Meanwhile, Di has progressed from Helen's desk to her filing
cabinet...and in it, she just so happens to find a nurse's uniform with
the name 'Mary Ford' on the nametag...viewers will appreciate the
significance here, it's the same uniform that Nikki wore for her escape
in S2Ep13...but what the blinking flip is it doing in Helen's filing
cabinet??? First of all, how come Helen ended up with it in the first
place?? Last time we saw it Barbara and Nikki were bundling it into a
carrier bag...and, if you were in Helen's place, wouldn't you have
disposed of the bloody thing? She can't have kept it for sentimental
reasons, Fenner's been nicer to Nikki this series!! As it happens, Di is
interrupted by Karen before she can search any further...she makes some
excuse about leaving a file for Helen before making her excuses and
fleeing back down to the officers' room where Fenner is pacing up and
down and smoking frantically like an expectant father...he's more than a
little disappointed when Di reports back that she didn't find anything
and decides that it's time they 'gave Wade's cell a spin'...shit...the
copy of 'Sophie's World'!!
Crystal's weeping on her bunk when Josh arrives to see her...he's got a
face like a pit-bull chewing a wasp which suggests that he's already
heard the full story about the clock...he asks Crystal why she did it
but she can't come up with a reason - the clock was there and she took
it - which leaves Josh to deduce that she's 'sick in the head'...
Josh : You're a thief and you're a liar and I didn't even see it!
He storms off then and Crystal collapses in tears...Crystal and Josh
RIP!! Shell Dockley, you have a lot to answer for!!! I hope you choke on
your friggin' Sangria!!!
Di's spinning Nikki's cell while she stands outside with Fenner...
Nikki : So what am I supposed to be hiding in there, then? Illegal
immigrants? Lord Lucan?
Fenner : Find out...won't we?
Nikki : (Shouts through cell door) Have a good check in my magic
Di doesn't have to check the magic wardrobe though, she's found the copy
of 'Sophie's World' complete with the inscription...
'Until we meet on the outside H x'
Di sees the significance and sticks the book up her jumper before
leaving the cell to join Nikki and Fenner who are still trading
Nikki : All I think about in here is why I want to stick bottles in
men in uniform!
Fenner : Glad to see you've still got your sense of humour Wade!
Nikki : About the only thing you can't get your hands on innit?
Di tells Fenner that the cell is clean and then pulls him to one
side...Nikki can't resist a parting riposte though...
Nikki : It's you sick bastards who should be locked up! You're the
ones who want to be in this shit-house!
Di shows Fenner the book but it doesn't impress him...but then she shows
him something else, a bus ticket...
Di : Have a look at the date on it.
Fenner : Shit!
Di : It's the date Shell Dockley stabbed you!
Bollocks!!! Nikki you complete spanner!!
But it gets worse...
Fenner : I've got to get my hands on that diary! Where the bastard
hell is it?
Di : God knows!
Fenner looks like he's just received a dose of divine intervention and
smiles...obviously with some idea about where to look next for the
Meanwhile, Yes Yes is in a jubilant mood...he seems to think that the
lid has been nailed down on Fenner's coffin but Helen knows him better
than most and refuses to get carried away until she sees his letter of
Helen : I'll save the victory lap until I've got his letter right
there...(Holds hand out)...And then I'll drive a stake through his
Yes Yes looks pleased with this idea, and even more pleased with the
prospect of things getting back to normal once the whole business is
behind them...this leads on to a flirty bit of banter about whether
Helen is abnormal or not, I won't insult your intelligence by providing
the dialogue but it certainly had me reaching for the sick
bucket...especially when Helen takes the opportunity to grab him for a
snog...this puts Yes Yes in a romantic mood...
Dr Yes Yes : I am totally in love with you.
And guess what??? Helen doesn't reciprocate!! What a surprise eh?? But
she does grin a bit and pull him in for another snog before favouring
him with another grin - this time a cheesy and distinctly cross-eyed
effort that is cringeworthy to the extreme.
Babs and Nikki come across each other on the landing...compare notes and
realise that both of their cells have been spun...Babs is outraged, but
outrage turns to pant-filling terror when a flip remark from Nikki about
her diary hits home and she goes of in search of it...when she arrives
in the chapel, the Julies are comforting Crystal...
Crystal : Josh has left me...I might as well have been sent down for
Julie S : You've still got him. (Looks up to the ceiling)
Julie J : Yeah, you still got 'im.
Crystal : Him who?
Oh my God!! All this intrigue, corruption, heart-break and now a crisis
of faith, all in the same episode...will we be able to cope with the
Barbara sprints over to the piano stool like a whippet on
amphetamines...she lifts the lid and scrabbles through her sheet music,
coming to a terrifying conclusion...
Barbara : My diary! It's gone!
Meanwhile, out by the bins...Velma and Shaggy are perusing the diary and
trying to crack Babs' code...
Fenner : (Reading from diary) Half the screws are at the party, the
rest of them wish they were so everything's slipshod...no problem for
Nikki to ascend...the screws think she's an angel...surprised to find
her back next day.
Di : Surprised to find her back? (Shocked) She got out?
Fenner : Looks like it.
Di : That bus ticket!
Fenner : (Screwing up forehead in concentration) The screws think she's
Di : What does that mean?
Fenner : I don't know.
Scratch the comparison to 'Scooby Doo'...this is more like 'Treasure
Hunt'...you almost expect to see Annika Rice descending in a helicopter
on the hospital wing roof!!
But...it looks like Di's making the connection...
Di : Wait a minute! She means a nurse!
Fenner : What?
Di : There used to be a programme about nurses on the telly...it was
Fenner : Wade was a nurse?
Di : She disguised herself as a nurse to get out! There was a nurse's
coat stuffed in Miss Stewart's cupboard!
Fenner : (Smiling like all of his Christmases have come at once) You're
On his way to relay the good news to Helen, Fenner is stopped in the
corridor by Yvonne who has just finished making a telephone call...she
crows about the fact that he was caught picking up money from the
massage parlours and he realises that she's been in on the whole thing
Fenner : You're up to your eyes in this!
Yvonne : Piss off Fenner! And remember to hand in your uniform and your
keys at the gate!
Fenner : (Grinning) You're gonna regret this!
Yvonne : Watching you fall on your bastarding face? I don't think so!
Fenner : There's been a change of plan...I'm staying right here, just to
rub your snout in it!
Fenner goes off on his merry way and leaves Yvonne with a face like a
bag of spanners...oh shit!! If he's buddying up with Maxi he could make
life extremely difficult for Yvonne...well, let's just keep our fingers
crossed that Helen manages to pull a rabbit out of the hat...hopefully
one that's going to lie convincingly for her and not make her look like
a High Court Judge court with his kecks round his knees in one of
Helen's behind her desk when Fenner knocks on the door...she looks up
with ill-concealed delight when he walks into the office and holds her
Helen : Just give me the letter...the sooner you're out of my sight
the happier i'll be!
Fenner : (Walks towards desk holding something behind his back)
Ah...there's a problem...there is no resignation.
Helen : We had a deal!
Fenner : We did...(Reaches behind his back and produces diary)...but now
I have this...Barbara Hunt's diary!
Helen : So?
Fenner : Quite a thriller...especially the part where Nikki Wade breaks
out of prison on the night of Sylvia's party and spends the night in bed
Helen : (Face wavers a bit but she braves a smile) That's nonsense!
Fenner : Why would Hunt lie?
Helen : I don't know.
Fenner : Then there's this bus ticket...(Holds up ticket)...found in
Helen : (Still smiling like she's talking to the village idiot) A bus
Fenner : Dated the night Dockley attacked me.
Helen : And who planted that there?
Fenner : Well, if you've got no skeletons in your closet you won't mind
if I take a look.
Fenner walks over to the filing cabinet but Helen shoots out of her
chair and blocks him before he can get there...but she's starting to
realise that she can't bluff this out anymore and starts to panic...
Fenner : I thought you had nothing to hide...apart from that nurse's
coat you've got bundled up in there!
Helen gets that look on her face again...you know, that one that
suggests that she doesn't know whether to throw up or burst into
tears...the same one she had when he assaulted her...
Fenner : I think we both know who's in deep shit now love! (Reaches
behind him and picks up a pen from the desk, holding it in front of
Helen's face) Do you want to start writing, or shall I take this to
Helen knocks the pen out of Fenner's hand and flees the room leaving him
grinning after her like the smug bastard he is.
Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)
Top Dog of the Week
Total respect to Nikki for being so dignified and gracious with Helen,
not a hint of Kevin the Teenager about her. And a possible rapprochement
with Trish on the horizon... maybe Helen's not the only one with
decisions to make next week.
Helen was superb in her confrontation of Jim; bringing Karen up was a
masterstroke. But she gave him too long to produce his resignation and
he's squirmed out of trouble again.
Twatting Twat of the Week
Babs - not the toughest code to crack, was it? Honestly. We always
feared that her little book would give our girls away.
Karen for refusing to give Crystal a character reference...okay, okay,
so she swiped Beezlebag's clock but is that any reason to ruin the rest
of her life?? Guess not...she obviously only gives vicious, manipulative
adulterers the benefit of the doubt!!
Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Looks like it's all over for Crystal and Josh's happy ending.
Tina, bless her tiny brain.
Spin Doctor of the Week
Jimbo hasn't lost his touch. He called in the favour he did for Di and
then twisted the knife when she developed a conscience. Briefly at
Helen's mercy, he's now holding all the cards and looks set to end her
career. And the prospect of him teaming up with Maxi doesn't bode well
Best Line of the Week
Virginia: I hear everything's running as smoothly as a bishop up a
Yvonne: He's in and out her cell like a candle in a convent.
Invigilator: The examination is now at an end. Finish your sentences
Yvonne: Being married to that old cow, he probably needed warming up.
Bodybag: If that's what passes for British justice, I've half a mind to
Josh: That's if anywhere'd have you.
Bodybag: She's a tea-leaf, not flaming Mother Theresa.
Nikki: So what am I supposed to be hiding in there, then? Illegal
immigrants? Lord Lucan?
Helen: Then I'll drive a stake through his heart. [*roflmao* - Helen
the Fenner Slayer]
Nikki: Yeah...Shaz Van Damme! [Nikki just does bruising sarcasm
Helen: You know...its Karen I feel sorry for - when she finds out
that she's been sharing you with a gang of massage parlour tarts!
[Brilliant! Struck right to the heart of Fenner, one could only imagine
what Karen would do if she ever found out...Fenner's balls on a skewer
Fenner: You'll have my resignation on your desk by the end of the
day. [Well, it was good while it lasted!]
Worst line of the Week
Maxi: Catch you with O'Kane again, I'll do it with a blade. [oooh
Virginia: Oh my god! I can walk again! I can walk! It's a miracle!
Waugh: I am totally in love with you. [lmao - where have we heard
that before; once again Helen nimbly manages to evade answering]
Warring Faction of the Week
Jim & Helen.
Yvonne & Maxi. You wouldn't want to be in the vicinity when they
inevitably come to blows.
Best Performance by an Extra
The irony-free invigilator.
The lifers - dire!
Sight of the Week
Al's shirt - which looked like someone had vomited copiously all down
Bless her, Nikki's still hanging onto the George Eliot postcards.
Virginia shooting out of that wheelchair...must've been tough on the
face lift situation, one false move and the whole lot could crumble!!!
Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
Di Barker doesn't bruise easily; not a mark on her from Gina's uppercut.
Mark definitely says, "Problem, Purlis?" and not Purvis.
Some months after an item was brought in, a charity shop worker recalls
who brought it and can describe her well enough to point the finger at
one woman out of a wing of 60+... just when we'd all forgotten the
sodding clock! It's not just that though...what are the chances of a PO
from Larkhall just so happening to come across the clock in a charity
shop in the first place??? How many charity shops are there in London
So Nikki is still doing her Open University course then? First mention
of it all season I think.
Shaz gets a week's training and suddenly she's Cynthia Rothrock... as I
suspected, Dionne's G-Wing career was short-lived.
Still no follow-up to or even mention of:
The shooting of Charlie Atkins.
Nikki's brief relationship with Caroline.
I think I remember raising this point at the end of series 2...am I
right in thinking that inmates are searched when they leave the prison??
If so, how the bloody hell did Crystal manage to get the clock out??? I
hope she didn't crutch it for Josh's sake...talk about throwing a
sausage down an alleyway!!!
Again, more mentions of Lauren than you can shake a stick at but do we
get to see her? Nope!!
If we're to assume that Babs' diary is full of references to Helen and
Nikki, why didn't Shell jump to any conclusions when she stole the diary
and read it last series?
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