Season 3, Episode 14: Standing Up
Recap by Filbertfox
Questions for this week...
1. Will anyone in Larkhall notice that Helen Stewart has been kidnapped
by aliens and replaced by a humungous trouser wearing impostor.
2. Will Gina kick the bunny boiler's head in?
3. Are we ever going to find out what happened to Shell and Denny?
Okay, on with the action...
We see Fenner emerging from a very seedy looking sauna, once in the
safety of his car, he takes out a big wedge of spondoolicks and splits
it in two, placing both lots of cash in separate envelopes...he then
drives away, obviously off home for a bit of Karen shagging.
At the prison, its morning and Shaz is watching dolefully through the
window of her cell up on G3 as Maxine, Tina and Al clear up the
yard...well, Tina and Al clean up the yard as Maxine stands there
smoking and directing the operation...Al picks up what looks like a bag
of something brown and crappy looking and hands it to Maxi who
brandishes it the direction of Shaz's cell window...
Maxine : Oi Shaz! Al's got your breakfast here...hope you're 'ungry!
Shaz returns to her bunk and reaches for a photograph that has been
pinned to her board, it's a Polaroid of her and Denny hugging, she looks
down at it, extremely tearfully.
Down at the front gate, Gina arrives and is pounced on immediately by
Mark who is still trying to apologise and make excuses for his shag in
the loos with Di...
Mark : You know I'm a prat when I've had a few.
Gina : You're a prat when you haven't!
He makes all the obvious excuses and you can hear women all around the
country saying 'yeah, heard it all before love!', Gina's not stupid
though thank God...
Gina : Get your face outta mine before I smack it into the middle of
...before storming off and leaving Mark staring after her, an extremely
Up on G3, Bodybag's unlocking the inmates, she reaches Shaz's cell and
tells her to come out, Shaz tries to make an excuse for staying, saying
that she's not feeling well but Bodybag doesn't believe her...
Bodybag : Oh save me the am-dram! I'm not in the mood!
But Shaz is insistent, positive that she's 'coming down with
Bodybag : Yes and I know what - boneidlitis like the rest of 'em in
Shaz : Honest! My 'ead's banging!
Bodybag : It'll be banging if I come over there and drag you out of
there by your ears!
The cavalry arrives then in the form of a leather-jacketed Yvonne who's
quick to jump in to do a bit of Bodybag baiting...
Yvonne : Is everything okay?
Bodybag : (Turning busted arsehole face on Yvonne) On your way Atkins!
Yvonne : Only I swear I heard Officer Hollamby issue a personal threat.
Shaz : (Petulant look in Yvonne's direction) I don't need any favours
Yvonne : Suit yourself. (Turns to Bodybag) And you Sylvia should pick on
someone your own size. (Looks Bodybag up and down) If you can find
Down in the officers' room, a very sheepish Di makes an attempt at
apologising to Gina, citing the fact that she was drunk and that she'd
been under a lot of pressure, she also tells Gina that if she had known
that she was pregnant, there was no way that it would've happened. Gina
surprises us all by not turning round to give Di a well-deserved slap in
Gina : Sod it! Maybe you did me a favour!
Di : (Vacant look) How's that?
Gina : Well I'm carrying one bastard, why would I want to get stuck with
Di takes this to mean that Gina's planning on having an abortion, her
face scrunches up into one of sympathy and she tries to place her hand
on Gina's shoulder, this is finally enough to send Super Screw over the
Gina : And for your information, Mark's not your mate...he just
thinks you're a slag! So why don't you just piss off out of my life?
Di does just that and storms out.
Fenner pops along to see Virginia and reports that the money is coming
in and that business is good...he also tells her that he's deposited the
money in her account, after taking his cut of course...she takes the
opportunity to moan about having to share a cell, but he's not going to
be told what to do by anyone and points out that he's the one who's got
her over a barrel, not the other way around.
Bodybag walks into the officers' room with a bunch of flowers...
Bodybag : Who do they think I am? Charlie flaming Dimmock?
The flowers turn out to be for Gina and are from Mark...again, you can
hear women all over the country saying 'huh! Typical bloke!'...it
doesn't make any sort of impression though because she files them under
'R' for rubbish in the nearest bin. Of course, Di has to make a
Di : Well at least he's making the effort.
Gina : Funny...that's what he said about you!
It's Gina's turn to storm out then, leaving Josh and Bodybag exchanging
Out in the corridor, Fenner runs into Maxine and the two converse, only
it's obvious why because there's more innuendo and lingering looks at
cleavage flying about than in your average Swedish made home-movie...to
cut a long story short, he does everything bar wopping his todger out
and asking her to get her laughing gear around it...obviously getting a
'poke in the pudding' from one psycho wasn't enough for him, he has to
go for someone with more brains and more bottle (excuse the pun) than
Shell ever had...anyway, Fenner makes it obvious that he's interested
and Maxine makes it equally as obvious that she would be too, providing
the price was right of course...the two then move off down the corridor
and he is spotted placing a rather familiar looking hand on her back by
Helen who is engaged in laughing at something Dr Yes Yes has said in a
puke-makingly false manner...but, she soon has that 'Mount Rushmore'
look when she sees Fenner taking advantage and peels off to confront him
Fenner : Something wrong Helen?
Helen : (Waits until the inmates are safely out of ear-shot) Perhaps
you'd explain why you feel the need to manhandle the prisoners.
Fenner : (Shocked look over at Dr Yes Yes) I wasn't aware that I was.
Helen : You know the rules! (Pronounced 'Roooooles', coz she's Scottish,
innit?) I will not tolerate over-familiarity with the prisoners!
Fenner : (Takes a step closer to Helen) And that's an accusation right?
I was showing the girls back onto the wing, if you think you saw
Helen : I know what I saw.
Fenner : Well let's get a second opinion then shall we? (Looks over at
Dr Yes Yes) Doctor Waugh, did you see anything?
This is an edgy time for him...he has the perfect opportunity to stand
up for Helen's honour here but he just stares back at both of them like
a rabbit caught in the headlights and opens and closes his mouth like a
bowlful of goldfish...Fenner sees that he's torn between defending Helen
and telling the truth and smirks before walking off, Helen sees this too
because she's left glaring back at Yes Yes...could this be the beginning
of the end?? Actually, I hope not...I want her to shag him purely so
we'll find out if that horrendous corduroy jacket has to be surgically
Its breakfast time out on the wing and Julie J makes a special trip to
serve Virginia her breakfast at her table...
Julie J : I don't care what they say...the girls usually see each
other right in here.
Virginia : And I shall see you right too...there will always be a space
in one of my establishments for the two Trudies!
That's maybe not quite what Julie J was looking for because she leaves
Virginia with a face like she's just been slapped by a wet
kipper...Virginia carries on regardless and begins to eat her
breakfast...across the room, Tina is still in awe of Virginia's make-up,
clothes and general appearance and starts to go on about it to Maxine,
who, as you might expect, is extremely dismissive...especially when Tina
confesses that she 'feels a bit of a mess'...
Maxine : You've got one of them eating disorders.
Tina : (Leans forward excitedly) Have I?
Maxine : Yeah...only you forget to throw up after!
A few tables over, Crystal voices her concerns to an extremely shaky
looking Shaz who confesses that even being up on G3 hasn't stopped Al
and the rest of the Boot Gang from picking on her, she also admits that
she's not enjoying being on her own in her new cell and basically looks
more like Rachel Hicks with every passing moment...Crystal's got the
Crystal : Take no notice of them lot...they're heathens!
Yeah, like sprinkling Holy Water on Al and waving a bible in her face is
going to make a blind bit of difference!!
During this conversation, Al walks over to the table Shaz and Crystal
are sharing and stands there in silence...without looking up, Shaz, who
is looking wobblier by the minute, hands Al her breakfast tray without
even being asked...
Al : I was only gonna ask for a fag...(Takes tray)...but thanks
Crystal can't understand why Shaz is giving into them so easily...yeah
right Crystal, observation's obviously never been your strongest point
has it?? Shaz is sitting there pale, shaking and plainly crapping
herself...do you really need to ask?? Shaz storms off at this point and
returns to her cell leaving Crystal calling after her, now extremely
Up in Helen's office, Dr Yes Yes arrives and notices that Helen's trying
to give him the cold shoulder, he correctly guesses that it's because he
didn't see Fenner acting out of the ordinary in the corridor and
apologises...Helen realises that she's blowing the whole thing out of
Helen : You must think I'm a mad woman.
Dr Yes Yes : It just so happens that they're a speciality of mine.
He then does the slimy 'let me help' routine and Helen tells him that
she had a 'run in' with Fenner and hands him a file in which she wrote
down the details of the crotch-grabbing incident.
Up on G3, desperate and with nowhere else to turn, Shaz blows her top
and begins smashing up her cell...sound familiar to anyone??
Fenner catches up with Karen in the officers' room and decides to drip
some poison in her ear by telling her that Helen has accused him of
molesting a prisoner...Karen is appalled and more than a little pissed
off, especially when he goes on to tell her that he has witnesses,
including Dr Yes Yes who didn't see anything out of the
ordinary...obviously, Karen's after Helen's blood at this point but he
very slimily tells her that it's his problem and that he'll sort it,
which is something that is bound to make Karen want to get stuck in
herself...yikes!! He then swiftly changes the subject and raises the
matter of Virginia wanting her own cell...Karen tells him that it'll
just cause more work for the other officers but Fenner protests until
she raises the customary eyebrow which means that she's surprised by his
concern...he explains it away by telling her that he has a friend who
broke his back during a rugby match and tells her that he doesn't see
why accommodating a sick woman should cause so much trouble.
Back up in Helen's office, Dr Yes Yes has finished reading Helen's
description of the crotch-grabbing incident...
Dr Yes Yes : Unbelievable! (Looks up at Helen) You can't just sit on
Helen : I don't intend to...I'm gonna get Fenner out of Larkhall and
away from working with women for good!
Dr Yes Yes : Too bloody right!
Helen : But it's gotta be done properly...he's very clever Thomas,
manipulative...don't make the mistake of underestimating him.
Dr Yes Yes : So where do we start?
Helen : (Slight smile) I don't expect you to get involved, it's my own
Dr Yes Yes : Well I am involved! What is the point of me building up the
women's trust if Fenner goes around destroying it all?
Helen : (Relieved sigh) I was so worried that you wouldn't believe me.
Dr Yes Yes : The only thing I can't believe is that you kept it to
yourself for so long.
Helen : (Guilty look because she knows and we know that she hasn't kept
it to herself) Yeah, well know that you know it's going to be a great
Dr Yes Yes : Yeah...trouble is, sitting on the sidelines...isn't really
my thing, if we're going to nail the bastard we need this...(Taps
file)...to be as comprehensive and detailed as possible.
And Helen smiles and nods and gives him an extremely gooey look...at
this point I'm sticking two fingers up at the TV and blowing a rather
Fenner goes to see Virginia and makes her day by telling her that she
will be moved to her own cell that afternoon...she thanks him, he smiles
slimily and leaves...she looks around and spots that her bag is on top
of a locker she can't reach from her wheelchair, so what does she do?
She stands up and walks over to get it...a miracle? Or was she having us
on all along??
End of Part One...
Off for a fag...
It's a showdown in the corridor between our two leading ladies...and I
have to say, Karen wins the totty battle, dressed gorgeously in a
pin-striped suit and a red blouse. Anyway, where was I?? Oh yeah...Karen
steps out into the corridor and confronts Helen with the sort of stony
eyed glare that could curdle a bottle of milk at twenty paces...
Karen : Have you got a minute.
Helen : (Holds up pile of envelopes) I was just going to pop these in
Karen : Wait in your office then shall I?
And with that, Karen stalks off and as we're left with the worried
expression on Helen's face, you can see tumbleweed blowing about in the
Up on G3, Bodybag goes to let Shaz out of her cell only to be thwarted
by the pile of furniture that Shaz has thrown up against the
door...after a couple of hefty heave-hos, Bodybag manages to push the
door open and is greeted by the sight of a smashed up cell and Shaz
sitting in the corner crying pathetically...
Bodybag : You wait until Miss Betts hears about this! Your feet won't
touch the ground young lady!
But we've got more high-drama to worry about...up in Helen's office...
Helen : Has someone been telling tales?
Karen : I've seen it for myself Helen...you presume he's up to something
before he has a chance to explain!
Helen : A chance to lie his way out of it you mean!
Karen : Jim Fenner is a bloody good officer with only the women's best
interests at heart!
Helen : (Highly amused by this, and who could blame her?) Jim Fenner's
only got one set of interests at heart - his own.
Karen : (Murderous glare) Maybe it's about time you got whatever you
want to say off your chest!
Helen : Alright...I don't think Officer Fenner should be working in a
women's prison...in fact, I don't think he should be allowed near women
at all...any women!
Karen : Does that include me? (Receives no response) Do you really think
I'm so weak? So stupid that I'd be living with the type of man you've
Helen : (Shaking her head sympathetically) You're too close Karen, you
can't see it.
Karen : Much as I appreciate your interest in my personal life, in
future I'd prefer it if you kept your opinions to yourself! (Walks away)
Helen : I don't want to fall out with you...this isn't about you.
Karen : (Still extremely pissed off) If I get so much of a hint of you
harassing Jim again we'll make this official...and believe me, you will
have one hell of a battle on your hands!
With one final poisonous glare in Helen's direction and after tossing
her hair about quite becomingly, Karen leaves the office...leaving Helen
looking extremely bereft.
Meanwhile, Babs is helping Virginia gather her things together...well,
Babs is doing it all while Virginia orders her about...
Virginia : Barbara, do be careful, that's genuine virgin cashmere!
Tina arrives then, it appears that Fenner's sent her along to help
Virginia pack...she is told to carry on with the clothes folding while
Babs moves on to packing Virginia's toiletries...Tina complies, but
can't resist telling Virginia what's really on her mind...
Tina : You're beautiful Miss.
Virginia simpers as much as she can with a face that might fall off at
the slightest strain, Tina continues by admiring Virginia's make-up,
something which raises a question in Babs' mind...
Barbara : I don't know how you're able to cope, not being able to
reach that mirror.
Virginia : (Forced to think quickly) Well...when you've made your face
up as often as I have you get to know your own contours.
Fenner arrives then and wheels Virginia away to her new home leaving
Barbara looking more than a little relieved to have her cell to herself
Shaz has been called up in front of Helen to explain why she smashed her
cell up...Josh, being the good bloke he is, tries to put a good word in
for Shaz over Bodybag's extreme disapproval...he says that the incident
was totally out of character and that maybe she's 'ill or
something'...Helen agrees that there must be something seriously wrong
and asks Josh and Bodybag to leave the room before trying to talk to
Shaz : I hate it in here! I wish I was dead!
Helen reaches forward to put a comforting hand on Shaz's shoulder but
she shrugs it away and then cries out in pain...Helen pulls up Shaz's
tracksuit top and is aghast to find that her back is covered in bruises.
Shaz is taken straight down to the hospital wing to see Dr Yes Yes
(strange, thought he was a psychiatrist, not a GP) who examines her and
then comes to the obvious conclusion - she's being bullied. Shaz admits
to it, but refuses to name names and then goes on to say that she's just
one of those people who ends up being picked on...Dr Yes Yes offers to
help but Shaz is dismissive, as far as she's concerned, all 'his type'
know how to do is 'talk'...
Shaz : Listen girls...if you just let me out of this headlock maybe
we can talk about this!
Helen arrives then to check on Shaz's progress, she is told by Dr Yes
Yes that it's obvious that Shaz is being bullied but she's too scared to
say who by...he does have another suggestion though...a new inmate on
G-Wing (another one!!) who he's been treating for a sports injury...he
thinks she might be 'a good influence on Shaz'...Helen agrees but Shaz
doesn't look that convinced.
Down in the officers' room, Gina is staring off into the distance when
Mark arrives to find out what she thought of her flowers...
Mark : Well? What do you think?
Gina : That you're a dirty, lying, cheating, little shit!
Gina points out that the flowers are lying in the bin and Mark wanders
over to pick them up...
Mark : Good job they didn't cost me an arm and a leg.
Gina : Yeah, well...if you want cheap, try Di Barker...I hear she does
anything for a fiver!
Mark tries again to beg her forgiveness...
Mark : I want you back...you and the baby.
Gina : There isn't going to be a baby!
Mark : Eh?
Gina : I'm getting rid of it! Problem solved!
Gina storms out...anyone else see the ghost of Zandra again then???
End of Part Two...
Dr Yes Yes takes Shaz along to the gym where a woman is skipping
furiously...Shaz, as you might expect, ain't that impressed...
Shaz : I don't do skipping!
Dr Yes Yes, introduces the two and asks the other woman, Dionne to 'show
Shaz what you can really do'...Dionne obliges and begins to knock ten
shades of shit out of the punch-bag with a series of high kicks and
punches...Shaz is impressed!!!!
On the wing, Maxine decides it time for another flirt with Fenner and
asks him for a light, he obliges and the two share a slimy grin type
moment before he wanders off...Tina is then seen pushing Virginia back
to her cell, it's a significant moment because Maxine watches this in
complete disgust and Yvonne spots her disapproval...anyway, Babs looks
around when Virginia is pushed past and confesses to Yvonne and the
Julies that she's glad that she's been given a cell on her own...Yvonne
looks incredibly interested when she hears that Fenner organised the new
cell for Virginia without being asked.
In the gym, Dionne is still showing her moves to a mightily impressed
Shaz...she agrees to teach Shaz all she knows but warns that it won't be
Shaz : (Pulls eyes into a squint) Yes grasshopper!
Dionne doesn't appreciate Shaz's piss-taking and tells her in no
uncertain terms that if she wants to learn, she's going to have to take
it seriously...Shaz solemnly agrees and the two get to work...Helen
enters at this point and although she disapproves of the idea of
'prisoners knocking the hell out of each other' you can tell that she's
mightily impressed by this new idea to build up Shaz's confidence and
simpers in a very Di Barking like manner as she tells Yes Yes that she
owes him a drink, she also doesn't waste any time because she asks him
if he's free the following night...he expresses regret - he's going to
the dog racing apparently, but then is hit by an idea and asks Helen to
go with him...she agrees. YUCK!!
Later that night, Yvonne makes a phonecall about Virginia...
Yvonne : I want to find out who's running her knocking shops when
she's inside...and Lauren? Make it quick!
Aha!!! So that dynamite brain of Yvonne's has been ticking into
overdrive again and she's managed to put two and two together...ooh eck!!
Watch out Fenner!!
A few days later??? Gina's on the phone in the officers' room making a
doctor's appointment when Josh comes across her...when she ends her
phone call, he mentions that he hasn't seen her and Mark together for a
few days and asks if everything's okay, she tells him that they've split
Gina : Him and Di Barker got it together the other night - in the
club toilets! Tacky or what?
Josh : Look...Gina...it's not his fault.
Gina : Don't try and defend him!
Josh : No...I mean it's Di's! She's kind of...odd.
Gina : Yeah...I thought he had better taste n'all.
Josh : No...I mean as in screwed up! She's weird...she tried to split me
and my girlfriend up once...we got wise to her but it got like she was
trying to stalk me or summink!
Gina : (Total disbelief) Has Mark put you up to this?
Josh : Of course not!
Gina : Because he's wasting his time! (Slightly tearful, stands up and
storms over to the door)
Josh : (Grabs Gina's arm) You don't understand! Di's clever! She's real
clever...she twists things; it's all part of some sick game she's got
going on in her head.
Gina : (Laughing slightly) You make it sound like she's got bodies under
Josh : Look...all I'm saying is that if you and Mark split up, that's
exactly the reaction she's looking for...do yourself a favour Gina...go
and talk to him!
Outside on the wing...Yvonne is watching Fenner talking to Virginia as
she makes another phone call to Lauren...it turns out that the brothels
are being looked after by a bloke called John Farmer...Yvonne writes
this down and highlights the initials - J F...
Yvonne : Interesting choice of initials!
Josh arrives with a letter for Crystal...it's to let her know that her
court case is up for the following Monday...
Josh : Well that's good isn't it? The sooner you get it over with...
Crystal : The sooner they bang me back up in this 'ole!
Josh is trying to keep positive, but Crystal's convinced that she's
going to get sent down for harbouring Shell and Denny...I don't
know...do a mate a favour eh???
At breakfast, Shaz sits with Dionne and tells her that she's been
practising her 'roundhouse' all night...Dionne tells her not to overdo
it but suggests that they 'pump some iron' later to build Shaz up a
bit...at this point, Al (with shadow Buki in tow) decides that it's time
to menace Shaz out of her breakfast...Dionne's got a major problem with
this and grabs hold of Al's hand as she reaches for Shaz's tray...it's
obvious that this hurt Al and she's not too pleased...
Al : You broke my friggin' hand!
Dionne : I don't think so...you would've heard it snap!
Al and Buki try to tough it out but it's obvious that they're
intimidated by Dionne's 'couldn't give a shit who you think you are'
stare and bluster for a bit before heading off...Shaz is totally
flabbergasted but can't understand why Dionne didn't just smack Al
one...Dionne tells her that 'sometimes it's better just to walk away'
before she heads off for the gym.
Helen's sitting in her office when all of a sudden...someone pushes a
note under her door...wonder what that is?? Love note from Yes Yes???
Gina catches up with Mark in the yard and, heartened by Josh's words,
decides that they should talk...she asks him if he still loves her and
he replies by embracing her...awwwww!! Put that in your pipe and smoke
it Di Barking!!!
Helen fans around the country will note here that there's a definite
wobble to her cleavage as she rushes up the stairs to G2 where Yvonne
awaits...it seems that the letter is from her...
Yvonne : Find it interesting did you?
Helen motions Yvonne away and the two of them walk up the stairs towards
G3, note, yet more wobbles in the cleavage department and you can hear
the sighs around the country!!
Helen : You are making a very serious allegation against a Principal
Yvonne : You take it from me...Jim Fenner is one corrupt bastard!
Helen : Yeah...unfortunately, I need a bit more than a personal opinion.
Yvonne : Where shall I start? What about the time he was gonna help me
escape...or when he took a bung from Charlie for fixing up the conjugal.
Helen : No one is gonna believe you over an officer!
Yvonne : Mmmm...but what if I told you that he was collecting money from
brothels for a con under your nose right now...that corrupt enough for
Helen : I take it you've got proof.
Yvonne : Not exactly...but I can get you a list of the brothels.
Helen and Yvonne share a smile...Jim Fenner, your days are numbered!!!
End of Part Three...
Ho hum...time for a coffee I think...
Gina's late for the daily officer's meeting and Karen makes her
displeasure known, well, until Gina turns around and announces that her
and Mark are having a baby...you can imagine the look on Di Barking's
face, especially when Gina announces the second part of the double
whammy - they're getting married too...
Di : Haven't had a staff wedding for ages, have we? I'm dead happy
Yeah right!!! As if Gina didn't notice the words sticking in your throat
Up on G3, Yvonne is looking magnificent as always in leather trousers
and a black shirt and hears what sounds like someone being punched
repeatedly...the sounds are coming from Shaz's cell and after a
momentary pause to collect herself...she bounds over to the cell, pushes
the door open and heaves a sigh of relief when she sees Shaz sparring
with Dionne who is wearing training gloves...Dionne leaves then, giving
Yvonne the opportunity for a chat...
Yvonne : Shaz...about last week...
Shaz : You were right, I needed to sort things out for myself.
Yvonne : A few years back I wouldn't have thought twice...but that scrap
with Al really took it out of me.
Shaz : But it weren't your fight.
Yvonne : Yeah, but I've never walked away...never.
Shaz : You can still take anyone on in this dump!
Yvonne : Can I? (Looks away and shakes her head) I dunno...I've been
thinking maybe that I'm losing it.
Shaz : Yvonne Atkins? (Total disbelief) No way! You didn't have to check
in on me just now...did you?
Yvonne : I suppose not.
Shaz : There could've been six of 'em in 'ere but you still came
in...anyway, I shouldn't have expected you to get involved...sometimes
the best way to win a fight is just to walk away you know?
And its big cheesy grins all round!! Someone should tell Yvonne that she
definitely suits mean, moody and menacing more than she does grinning
like a loon!!!
Babs arrives for her stint mucking out after the officer's...she's
concerned when she finds Di Barker in floods of tears...
Barbara : Has something happened? Has your mother taken a turn for
Di : (Shakes her head) Man trouble...as usual.
Di goes on to tell Babs that she's been dumped by Mark...they were
having an affair and just waiting for the right moment to tell
Gina...she found out and started spreading 'vicious rumours' about
her...but it doesn't end there...
Di : I didn't think she'd stoop this low.
Barbara : (Hesitantly) How low is that?
Di : Faking a pregnancy...and then...and she told me this herself...when
she'd split us up so there's no chance of us getting back...she's gonna
dump him, out of pure spite!
Okay, so ignore the obvious here which is that only a blind person
wouldn't be able to spot that Gina's been pregnant for ages...but Di's
still barkingly convincing enough to convince Babs who seems extremely
worried about her.
Helen catches up with Yvonne on G3...
Helen : Did you get it?
Yvonne : (Nods & smiles) I can't guarantee that they're 100% up to date
so you'll have to do your own research.
Helen : Of course. (Holds hand out)
Yvonne : (Looks at Helen's hand) What's in it for me?
Helen : I don't do deals with prisoners Yvonne...come on, you should
Yvonne : And I don't make a habit of doing favours for governors.
Helen : Then don't. (Sees Yvonne look away and reconsiders) I can make
sure that this gets Fenner sacked...out of the Prison Service for good
without a penny of his pension to his name...now surely that's payback
Yvonne hands the note over and Helen walks away...ooh eck!! Don't tell
me that Fenner's used up the last of his nine lives!!!
The Julies have noticed that Di Barker's down in the dumps and make
their concern clear to Barbara (funny that, would've thought that they
couldn't give a shit after she was so eager to stop Crystal and Josh's
wedding that they had to lock her in the store cupboard!) who lets it
slip that she knows why Di's upset...bad move because the Julies pounce
on her like a pair of hyenas on a fresh carcass...
Julie S : Whose side you on Babsy?
Julie J : Theirs?
Both Julies : Or ours?
Barbara : (Leans forward conspiratorially) Well...only if you promise
not to breathe a word.
On the outside, Helen and Dr Yes Yes are staking out the sauna we saw
Fenner emerge from at the start of the episode...Yes Yes points out that
the surveillance might take a while - 'a bit of a long haul' (LMAO!!)
and offers to help by keeping her company...she rewards him by leaning
over to kiss him on the cheek...
Dr Yes Yes : And that was for?
Helen : For believing in me.
Hmmmm...so did Nikki but she didn't get a kiss...did she???
The two flirt sickeningly for a while before heading off to the dog
track...Helen is most pissed off when her dog comes last and his wins
but happily shares the contents of his hip-flask with him...she's not
put off by defeat either and hands him five pounds to put on a dog in
the next race.
Back at the prison...Gina runs into the Julies and is surprised when
they give her the cold shoulder...
Gina : What's up with you two? Someone shove thistles up your arses?
Julie S : We just think it's wrong.
Julie J : Yeah...wrong.
Both Julies : That's all!
Gina : What you loony tunes on about?
Julie S : Some of us in 'ere are separated from our kiddies you know?
Gina : I don't remember being on the bench when they sent you down so
why the attitude?
Julie J : Well we just think that it's a bit sick...even if Miss Barker
has been having it off with...
Both Julies :...your fella!
Gina : Tell you that herself?
Julie J : No...not us...
Julie S : To a mate.
Julie J : A child's a precious thing Miss...you shouldn't go round lying
Gina : Said that n'all did she? (The Julies nod) Right!
The Julies look on as Gina storms off...wouldn't like to be in Di's
Helen's most pissed off when her dog comes last in the race...but she's
not upset for long...maybe it's got something to do with Dr Yes Yes's
offer to stop off at an off license before taking her back to his
place...we all know that Helen can't refuse a drink!!!
Meanwhile, Super Screw's a woman on a mission and storms down the
corridors of the prison on her way to the locker room...passing Mark on
Mark : Hiya! (Sees Gina storm past) Where you going?
Gina : To punch Di's lights out!
Mark does a double-take and disappears down the other end of the
Di is putting stuff in her bag when the door to the locker room flies
open and Gina erupts into the room...without pausing for thought, she
strides over to die and catches her with a sledgehammer blow that knocks
Di off the bench before getting stuck in...
Gina : That's just for starters!
Mark arrives in the nick of time and pulls Gina off Di, she isn't too
happy about this and responds by kicking him in the shin...disasters
strikes when this causes him to over balance, bringing him crashing down
on top of Gina who lands on her stomach as the pair of them smash
through the bench.
Up in her cell, Shaz is practising her karate kicks and it's a shade
more 'Hong Kong Fooey' than 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon'...she seems
to have rediscovered her lost confidence though...
Shaz : (Through cell door) ANY OF YOU SLAGS FANCY A RUMBLE IN THE
JUNGLE? THE FIST'S READY AND WAITING! YOU 'EAR ME?
The following scene may upset some of the more sensitive BG viewers out
Helen and Yes Yes are now installed in his flat...and there's candles
burning a plenty in the background as Helen notices that he's a bit of a
rebel...hmmmm, from the way he holds that spliff like it's an unexploded
bomb, I'd say he was more Jim Bowen than James Dean!! But anyway, he
challenges Helen and asks her if she's ever taken a chance before
handing her the spliff...she takes a pull of it and erupts into a
coughing fit...anyone who's ever had that happen to them will be wincing
right now, it doesn't half rip the lining off your throat!!
Helen : If that's where crossing the line gets you I think I'll stick
to what I know!
And she takes a gargantuan swallow of vodka to prove it.
Back at the prison, Gina's being carried away on a trolley by the
paramedics while Di looks on in absolute horror.
The following scene may cause some of the more sensitive BG viewers out
there to reach for the nearest packet of razor blades!!!
The logs are flickering in the open fire, the candles are still burning
and Helen and Yes Yes are cosied up on the sofa where the conversation
is taking a more serious turn...
Helen : What about marriage? Have you ever considered it?
Dr Yes Yes : I did it...once...her name was...well is Catherine...we met
Helen : What happened?
Dr Yes Yes : She ran off with a dashing doctor to join Medicine Sans
Frontiers...my best mate too, bastard!
Helen : I'm sorry.
Dr Yes Yes : No...don't be, it didn't last long...we got divorced 10
years ago...life moves on!
Helen : And has it?
Dr Yes Yes : This last couple of months, more than I ever imagined it
could...Helen, I really...
Helen : (Sits up and turns away, suddenly uncomfortable) Shall we have
one for the road?
Dr Yes Yes : Oh right.
They both reach for the vodka bottle and end up knocking it over...
Helen : (Righting the bottle lest precious vodka be spilt) I'm sorry.
Dr Yes Yes : No...It's my fault...(Pause for Helen to look uncomfortable
again)...don't you want to hear what I've got to say?
Helen : (Shakes her head and turns to face him) Maybe a bit too much.
He leans forward...they kiss and a passionate snog-fest erupts on the
Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)
Top Dog of the Week
Have I ever mentioned that I love Yvonne? She put Bodybag in her place
beautifully; picked up on Fenner's machinations; and schemed with Helen
to drop him right in it.
Dionne is a promising addition to the G-Wing mix, although as we learnt
exactly zilch about her, you have to wonder how long she'll be around.
Twatting Twat of the Week
This season I started out as a diehard fan and now I cannot even bring
myself to type her name. Not only was she as wet as the Thames in the
confrontation with Karen, with about as much governing authority as
William Hague, but she finally goes off with Waugh. All over him like a
rash without a thought for the woman that turned her life upside down.
YOUR LOSS, LOVE! Wonder Wade is too good for you!
Karen has to get a mention for her obstinate faith in Fenner. WAKE UP
AND SMELL THE SLIME!
Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Gina, who despite the blinding right hook ended up in tears again. And I
can't believe she didn't break Di's nose.
Spin Doctor of the Week
Josh opened Gina's eyes to the madness that is Di Barker.
Total turn-up was Shaz convincing Yvonne that she's still the coolest
Worst Girl of the Week
Virginia - so Julie J's first instincts were correct after all.
Buki. Somebody - Shaz, anybody - please give her a kicking. I cannot
stand another week of her trotting around with the Peckham girls like
she is something special.
Di just couldn't leave it alone, could she - and to blab it all to a
prisoner, how unprofessional can you get?
Best Line of the Week
Gina: Now get your face out of mine before I smack it into the middle
of next week.
Bodybag: Oh save me the am-dram, I'm not in the mood.
Al: You broke me frigging hand!
Dionne: Don't think so; you'd have heard it snap.
Dr YesYes: Could be a long haul. [yes ok, bit of a Simone in-joke
Gina: What's up with you two? Someone stuck thistles up your arses?
[in fact this whole conversation was priceless]
Gina: What you loony tunes on about?
Gina: Right! [was I the only one rubbing their hands in glee and
shouting "Yay, go deck the bunny boiler"?]
Bodybag: Who do they think I am? Charlie flaming Dimmock? [Did
anyone else shiver as they tried to picture Bodybag without a bra
Yvonne: And you Sylvia should pick on someone your own size...if you
can find anyone. [Again, as is always the case with Yvonne, it's all
in the delivery]
Worst Line of the Week
Virginia: Oh Barbara, do be careful, that's genuine virgin cashmere.
Di: We were having an affair. [no, you psycho, you had one shag.]
Babs: Only if you promise not to breathe a word. [LMAO! You're
talking to the Julies]
Warring Faction of the Week
Helen and Fenner.
Gina and Mark. Gina and Di.
Best Performance by an Extra
Nobody stood out.
Sight of the Week
Helen and Yvonne conspiring together. The stuff that fanfic is made of!
Especially Helen in new leather jacket and Yvonne in leather trousers...
Classic tongue-sucking from Helen - shame it was Waugh that caused it.
Super Screw going 'pop' and letting fly with a sledgehammer blow that
knocked the bunny boiler flying...that one almost ranked up there with
Yvonne's head butt from s3ep11.
Helen taking a long toke on a spliff and ending up choking on it...she
just didn't look right with it did she???
Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
Where did Shaz get that photo of her and Denny?
Jim's "manhandling" of Maxi was sooo contrived.
Why did Shaz go before Helen and not Karen?? And has the number one's
office had another makeover - I thought Stubbsy's carpet was blue.
If Waugh had a previous commitment to go dog-racing, how come he and
Helen were alone there? And are there no dog tracks left in South
London? Walthamstow is hardly local to Larkhall.
Massively unconvinced by Yvonne confiding in Shaz. So uncharacteristic.
Fenner must be over his alcoholic phase - he's not missed his bottle of
Whither H&N now? This is beyond a joke.
And still no Lauren Atkins! Two poxy phone calls does not constitute an
appearance. And are we ever going to find out what happened after
Babs looked extremely chuffed to have her cell to herself again...has
her claustrophobia miraculously disappeared or what???
How did Yvonne manage to get a letter pushed under Helen's office door??
And how come she trusts Helen all of a sudden?? Wasn't that long ago she
was calling her 'that prat Stewart'...was it?
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