Season 3, Episode 12: Tough Love
Recap by Filbertfox


Well, the trailers have wound everyone up into a hissy fit this week, so, before we start, it's time for this week's questions...

1. Now that the landings are covered with the stuff, what are the inmates going to use for toilet roll?? Newspaper anyone??
2. Will Nikki fall for the charms of new girl Caroline?
3. Will we get to see Bodybag in her riot gear?? After all of the tension of last week, I think we need a bit of light relief!!
4. Will Helen realise that Dr Yes Yes is a complete slob before it's too late?? As my Mum said last week - 'Look at him, he doesn't even brush his can imagine what his underpants are like!'

Right...better get stuck in then, hadn't I??? Hope you lot have got your tissues at the ready!!

The inmates are still revolting...well, a great proportion of them are anyway, the rest are just rioting...firemen are shown outside putting out the swingers that the inmates have set light to and thrown out of the they do this, a roll of toilet roll is seen streaming out of the window...the scene inside the wing is even worse, the entire contents of the 'Andrex' factory is strewn all over the landings...all we're missing is an ickle Labrador puppy romping through it. Again, I raise the question - what's gonna happen when the inmates realise that they've run out of bog roll??? Never mind running out of food, the place is going to go up like a rocket when all of the women have to start wiping their arses on newspaper!!!

Downstairs, a group of inmates keep an eye on the gate...the evilness that is Maxine Purvis saunters over at this point and heads over in the direction of the officers' room...the footie top wearing extra calls her back...

Extra : Oi! Nikki said no one was to go in there!
Maxine : (Turns around) Nikki who?

...and then enters the officers' room regardless...hmmmm, she's obviously got some sort of cunning plan up her sleeve. But, we've no time to consider her motives, Nikki's up in her cell and wearing only a bra as she washes at her sink, only to be interrupted by luscious blonde Caroline…

Caroline : (Spots Nikki in a state of undress) Sorry. (But doesn't look it)
Nikki : (Turns around and covers herself up with towel) It's alright.
Caroline : Thought you could use one of these. (Hands Nikki a plastic mug)
Nikki : (Smiling) Thanks

Caroline gives Nikki a very appreciative look, which the Nikster catches...ooh out Helen!!!

Down in the officers' room...the cunning plan is beginning to unfold - Maxine is rifling through the filing cabinet and pulling out files at random...she pulls the contents of these files before replacing the empty jackets...knowing the sensitivity of the contents of these files, wouldn't you have thought that it would be kept locked at all times??? Obviously not...

Back up in Nikki's cell, she and Caroline are sitting down on top of the bunk...

Nikki : So what are you in for?
Caroline : Embezzlement...(Pauses to take a drink)...the guy I was with needed money for his software firm - to stop it going under...I was working for a big travel agents, had access to the accounts...and...(Looks down)
Nikki : What did you get?
Caroline : Minus what I did on remand...about eighteen months to go.
Nikki : And what about him?
Caroline : Did a bunk didn't he? Not seen him since I got sent down...been together five years!
Nikki : (Martyred sigh) The things we do for love eh?
Caroline : (Laughs) Both in for the same reason then.
Nikki : What?
Caroline : You killed a copper didn't you for trying to rape your girlfriend?
Nikki : Who told you that?
Caroline : Everyone knows about you...(Nikki smiles and turns away, embarrassed)'ve got a big following in here!
Nikki : First I've heard of it!
Caroline : Modest and smart! (Laughs and then looks straight at Nikki, suddenly serious) Not much you haven't got really is there?
Nikki : (Also serious) I wouldn't get too might be disappointed.
Caroline : How close will you let me come?

The two look at each other for a few moments before Caroline leans in for a kiss, just when we think that Nikki might reciprocate, she jumps off the bunk.

Nikki : I'm spoken for.
Caroline : (Raises eyebrows) Not what I'd heard.
Nikki : I said you'd be disappointed.
Caroline : Not what I've seen either.
Nikki : Yeah,'s no one in here.
Caroline : I'm a big girl you know...if this is your way of letting me down gently I...
Nikki : No...I should be out of here soon with any luck, and then we'll be together.
Caroline : Soon can be a long time in a place like this.

And Nikki is left staring at Caroline whilst she considers this.

Meanwhile, Maxine sticks the pile of papers she's stolen down the back of her trousers before leaving the officers' room...just before leaving, she makes a grab for something that's lying on top of the table and takes it out with her...

Extra : Find anything?
Maxine : Chocolate fingers. (Throws packet of chocolate fingers at extra who catches them) Wash them first though, in case they're Hollamby's...don't know where she might've had 'em!

Talking of ye Olde Bodybag, she's upstairs with the other officers...

Bodybag : Go in now I say, while they're all asleep and drugged up to the eyeballs!

Helen insists that although she's just as angry about the situation as Bodybag is, she's not prepared to go in because 'they have a genuine grievance' - Duh!! Maybe should've thought about that before you told Nikki to sod off last week!! Anyway, the screws don't think that this is the case...

Gina : Most of 'em couldn't care less about Femi...they just want a beano!
Bodybag : Exactly!
Helen : I'm well aware of it...and as soon as this is sorted out, they're gonna pay for it...don't worry!

Maxine is then shown in her cell, a look of surprise on her face as Helen announces over the PA system that she's ready to negotiate before asking all of the prisoners to assemble on the wing for a meeting...which they do...screws on one side of the gate and inmates on the other. There's a very significant eyemeet between Helen and Nikki before Helen begins...

Helen : Okay...I've thought about all you've said and I understand your grievance.
Nikki : So what are you gonna do about it?
Helen : I've spoken to allocations...we've arranged to transfer another Nigerian prisoner with a similar background to Femi...she'll be here tomorrow...(Pause as we hear a rumble amongst the inmates)...she speaks good English, she and Femi can share a cell on E-Wing.
Nikki : (Seemingly satisfied) Well, that's something.
Helen : (Patronisingly) So...would you like to call off your little protest now?
Nikki : It's off!

But someone else has other ideas...

Maxine : Oi! Not so fast...what about all the rest? Crap food you wouldn't feed a pig! Same screws treating us like shit!
Al : Beds that stink of piss!

The other inmates start to make noises of agreement and Nikki and Helen begin to see the whole thing beginning to slide out of their control again...

Nikki : (Turning to the other inmates) THIS IS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!
Maxine : Yes it is! (Turns an evil stare onto Nikki who looks away, disgusted) And we'll take this up onto the roof if we have to!
Nikki : This is about Femi! Now we've just had assurances...
Maxine : Assurances my arse! I'm sick of this shit! (Turns to the other inmates) Come on!

The majority of the inmates follow the Boot Gang back onto the wing, leaving the Scooby Gang isolated...Nikki turns back to Helen...

Nikki : It just needs time to sink in...that's all...they're a bit fired up.
Helen : And who fired them up Nikki?

Helen glares at Nikki, nostrils a flaring before leading the screws off the wing...Nikki is left watching their departure like a stunned rabbit before making another attempt to calm the others down...

Nikki : Look, we've made our point!
Julie S : Yeah, yeah!
Maxine : Have we?
Nikki : (Walks over to confront Maxine) You heard Stewart...what else can she do?
Maxine : (Looks Nikki up and down as if she's something nasty she's discovered on the bottom of her shoe) Who the shit are you anyway?
Nikki : (Refuses to be intimidated and directs a homicidal glare at Maxine) The shit who started it...remember?
Maxine : Going soft in your old age! (Turns a dismissive smile on the assembled inmates) Just 'cause she topped a pig about fifty years ago!
Nikki : So you and your poxy mates are 'ard are ya?
Al : Show you how hard will ah?

Pause at this point for our first glimpse of Yvonne...she's sitting upstairs on the landing and observing the proceedings in isolation...obviously unwilling to get involved.

Nikki : Just wait 'til their fags start running out and their added on days start piling up!
Maxine : (Leans forward and pins Nikki down with a mad, poppy-eyed stare) You might not have the stomach Wade, but there's others have!

Nikki considers the Boot Gang for a few seconds and realises that she's outnumbered, she eventually drops eye contact and huffs and puffs in that classic Wade way before stropping off back upstairs...the rest of the Scooby Gang - the Julies, Crystal, Shaz, Babs and Caroline, follow, leaving Maxine to dish out the orders to the assembled inmates.

Up on G2, Nikki catches up with Yvonne...

Nikki : Thanks for all your help!
Yvonne : I told you...I'm sick of fighting other people's battles!
Nikki : Well there's some things you gotta make a stand for!
Yvonne : (Stops walking, turns around and favours Nikki with that menacing glare we all know and love) Look...I already go to sleep at night with one eye open because of those little tarts! (Relents slightly) I'm getting too old for this Nikki, I just want a quiet life.
Nikki : Well you're not gonna get that with Maxine Purvis in charge...are ya? (Walks away)
Yvonne : (Watches Nikki walk away and then obviously comes up with an idea) Nikki!

And as Yvonne goes off to catch up with Nikki, she's got a grin on her face...wonder what she's come up with now...another head butt fest I hope!!

Down in the Boot Gang HQ, Maxine is reading the files she pilfered from the officers' room and reads out part of Al's...

Maxine : Alison Mackenzie, dangerously aggressive tendencies, potentially psychopathic!

Maxine hands Al her file and even manages to attract the attention of the lazily ambivalent Tina who jumps down from her bunk to read her own file...

Al : It says here I'm you think I'm paranoid Maxi?


Meanwhile, Tina's also found something she doesn't like...

Tina : What does...ESN mean Maxi?
Maxine : Extra special nuisance.

Maxine's found her own file and shares the contents proudly...

Maxine : Cunning...fearless...possible ring-leader.
Al : Mebbe they're not so stupid after all eh?

At this point, we all appreciate the irony of this statement as a grinning Yvonne watches Nikki slam the Boot Gang's cell door shut and locks them in...the Boot Gang start screaming threats through the door but this is met by hilarity from the Scooby Gang who are more than a little pleased with their Maxine threatens Nikki, Babs arrives to ask what all the fuss is about...

Nikki : It's lock-up time!

And it's maybe just in the nick of time, because upstairs, the screws are all kitted out in their riot gear and we get another hilarious shot of Bodybag looking like the Terminator as Stormin' sorry...Helen, relays her plan of attack...

Helen : I've given them every option to withdraw...we've got no option but to use force. I want you to go in hard...I want no victimisation, no score-settling...this has to be a professional operation.

LMAO!! I was put in mind of the dance teacher from 'Fame' then, rapping her stick on the floor as she tells the dancers that they've got to sweat blood etc etc etc...anyway, just as we think that we're in for another round of violence, superscrew sticks her head around the door...

Gina : Nikki Wade wants to see ya...she says it's all over!

The inmates, minus the Boot Gang, are gathered on the wing, talking amongst themselves...Shaz is the first to notice the line of screws all kitted up in their riot gear and reacts as you would expect...

Shaz : Jesus!

But it's time for the Helen and Nikki show again...

Helen : (Face like granite) Well?
Nikki : We've called it off.
Helen : Where's the Purvis sisters?
Nikki : Let's just say that they were banged up early. (Smiles)
Helen : (Unmoved) Right, get back to your cells! (Sees the surprised look on the faces of the inmates who decide not to respond) Immediately!

Yvonne folds her arms and glares and the other inmates hold firm to this...I can hear a little voice in my head saying - 'You didn't say go away and think about it for 10 minutes and then come back and ask nicely!

Nikki : (Looks around at the other inmates) Do as she says!

The other inmates comply, but Nikki still refuses to move and looks at Helen wistfully through the bars...

Helen : (Completely and utterly pissed off) What are you waiting for Wade? I said get back to your cell! (Waits until a repentant looking Nikki has complied before turning to the screws) Right...let's start mopping up!

As the screws start to reassemble the wing, Josh catches up with Crystal...

Josh : What are you playing at man? We was all tooled up to kick the shit outta you!
Crystal : (Smiling) If you'da laid one finger on me boy you'da known about it!

Crystal is rounded up by Gina then and shoved back into the dorm.

Upstairs, the Julies are getting ready for seems that they're on the verge of completing their sentences and due to be released in a few days...and as Julie J starts making plans, Julie S listens on with an incredibly shifty look on her face...

Julie J : One day we'll have a place of our own...a cottage in the country would be nice...a stream, and no men to spoil it! What do you say to that then Jue?
Julie S : Mmmm...little stream would be nice.

And as Julie J continues to witter on, it's plain to see that Julie S is more than a little worried about something...obviously she hasn't told Julie J about Trevor yet...looks like tears before bedtime when she does find out!!!

Up on G3, Helen's helping to lock the inmates back into their cells and eventually comes to Nikki who is standing in the door of her cell and plainly avid to get in with an explanation...but by the look on Helen's face, which looks like it's been carved out of Mount Rushmore, it's obvious that anything she says is going to fall on deaf ears...

Nikki : This wasn't about you.
Helen : (Extremely angry) I don't want to hear it!
Nikki : This was about the system.
Helen : (Turns into Judge Dredd) I AM THE LAW!

Okay, maybe she doesn't, but I've had enough of Miss Helen 'Hypocritally slag the system off until the cows come home with Dr Yes Yes' Stewart...okay, so it's obvious that she's gonna get off with him at this conference, but ask me if I give a shit...let's just hope the git has a premature ejaculation problem...that'll serve her right!!!

So, what Helen actually says is...

Helen : I am the system while I'm in betrayed me tonight!

Bloody hell!!! She just gets worse, doesn't she??? Talk about telling Nikki to totally sod her principles if it interferes with the way she runs things...and this is from the same woman who put her job on the line for Podger and risked Fenner's life by stalling Karen when she wanted to send in the heavy mob to sort Shell out...hmmmm, if N&H do have a happy ending, I give it 6 months at the most, I don't fancy Nikki's chances much if she has to face the Ayatollah of Larkhall every time she forgets to do the washing-up!! Coops...if she's not TT this week we're gonna have serious words!!!

Nikki : (Understandably pissed off) I thought you wanted to change things in here.
Helen : Not by violence.
Nikki : That was the Peckham Gang wanting a free-for-all...they don't care about Femi!
Helen : It's over Nikki!
Nikki : What?
Helen : You and me...I don't want anything more to do with know something...I don't even feel sad about it! Now get back into your cell!

Nikki complies and then looks over at Helen like a puppy with its tail trapped in the door...Helen is completely unswayed and locks the cell door before walking away.

Okay...time for the halftime analysis...

Yes...Helen's still obviously shaken up since the crotch-grabbing incident, and yes, she's unhappy that Nikki's resorted to violence - first by threatening Fenner and then by instigating the riot – more than once...


1. She knew the crime that Nikki was guilty of...did it stop her from getting involved with Nikki?


2. She's seen Nikki erupt before - launching herself across the servery to attack Shell after her crack about Rachel, and smacking Dominic one when her cell was given a spun for no reason - did it stop her from getting involved with Nikki?


3. She knows that Nikki has principles and has a tendency to make a point of voicing her concerns about mistreated inmates - Carol Byatt, Rachel Hicks, Monica Lindsey - did it stop her from getting involved with Nikki?


Will the real Helen Stewart please stand up?

End of Part One...

Off to grab a cup of coffee…

Part Two...

Helen's making an announcement on the PA system...

Helen : Good morning G-Wing...hi de hi!

Sorry...couldn't resist!!!

Helen : Good morning will be locked in your cells until further notice...there will be no education, no visits, no work, no will all lose a week's spends and there will be no visits to the canteen all week! (Turns to Bodybag) Is that tough enough for you Sylvia?

Meanwhile, the screws are spinning all of the cells on the wing and Maxine and Tina start to panic in case they are caught with the files...their solution? Flush them all down the bog...Maxine's reading the files as she passes them to Tina for flushing, she pauses when one in particular catches her eye...

Maxine : Jesus Christ!

Upstairs, Nikki's lying on her bunk like a piece of soggy lettuce, the Boot Gang are shouting threats up at her but she doesn't appear to hear them...there's only one thing on her mind, and as she begins to realise the consequences of her actions, a solitary tear rolls down her face.

The screws have gotten around to Tina and Maxine's cell...and as they search it, we see Tina sitting on the top bunk, whimpering like a complete girlie...

Screw : Right, let's have your mattresses. (Notices that the volume of Tina's sobbing has increased) What's up with her?
Maxine : (Hovering in doorway) You're scaring her.
Screw : (Turning back to Tina) Come on! Up!
Maxine : She has these like fits when summink frightens 'er.
Screw : (Flashes a grin back at Maxine) That mirror won't help!

Maxine tips the nod at Tina then and a puddle appears underneath her, making it seem as if she's wetting herself...the screws notice this and decide against persuing the soon as they leave, Tina stops crying...

Maxine : Good one T!
Tina : I'm twatting soaked!

Maxine then retrieves the file she kept back from under Tina's mattress and sticks it in the back pocket of her jeans...Tina asks what's so interesting about it, but Maxine just smiles, brain obviously ticking overtime.

In the officers' room, Bodybag notices that Fenner's whiskey is still in his desk where he left it and deduces out loud that the inmates must have left the office alone...Helen disagrees and orders Bodybag to check that all of the files and their contents are accounted for...Bodybag pales at this and points out just how much work would be involved, but Helen is adamant, and as she leaves the room, Bodybag is left with that 'busted arsehole' look on her face.

The new Nigerian prisoner has arrived and Gina takes her down to speak to Femi who is still languishing down the block...the new inmate, Fatima, starts to speak to Femi in her own language...Femi is over the moon and the pair embrace before being led down to their new home on E-Wing by a very chuffed looking Gina.


And guess what??? He's still wearing that bloody awful corduroy jacket...prat!!!

Now back in her office, Helen is preparing them coffee as she laments on the situation down on the wing...

Dr Yes Yes : Quite a night! You must've been scared.
Helen : I never thought I'd actually find myself looking forward to a conference.
Dr Yes Yes : Hmmm...then it'll be my turn to be bricking it!
Helen : Not quite the same scale.
Dr Yes Yes :, but standing up in front of some of the leading people in the field...
Helen : What? People who've actually come to hear you talk as opposed to a group of rioting prisoners. (Smiles)'ll have me to hold your hand. (Leans forward to hand him a cup of coffee)
Dr Yes Yes : (Leans forward to take cup) Well...if you put it like that. (Smiles suggestively)

I'm beyond caring...yes, the guy's a prize plonker with a wardrobe the size of a matchbox, but I don't care if Helen shags him or not...Nikki definitely deserves better.

A few days later???

Josh unlocks the Julies for breakfast and hands Julie S a letter, a letter she quickly sticks down the front of her trousers before Julie J gets a proper look at it...Julie J deduces that it's from David - it turns out that he'll be visiting his mum later that day...again, Julie S has that incredibly shifty look on her face...anyone else would've noticed it by now, but Julie J isn't known for her powers of she?

Barbara and Nikki follow the Julies through to breakfast...

Barbara : Well she'll have said that in the heat of the moment won't she?
Nikki : Seemed pretty final to me...maybe she's just come to her senses...I mean, it's a bit unlikely when you think about and her together.
Barbara : Well not if you win your appeal.

Hmmm...Nikki seems to be accepting the split with great equanimity, but that's maybe a lot to do with the woman who greets her from the breakfast queue...

Caroline : Hello Nikki.
Nikki : (Big grin) Oh...hiya.
Caroline : Sleep well?
Nikki :
Caroline : Yeah thanks.

Babs senses that she might be more than a little in the way and leaves them to it...she doesn't seem to be too impressed with Nikki's new friend...well, let's face it, Nikki is ripe to rebound like a rugby ball with a difficult bounce.

But across the room, someone else seems extremely interested in Nikki's new acquaintance...

Maxine : Well, well, well.
Al : What?
Maxine : (Significant look over in Nikki's direction) I'nt life interesting?

Does she know something we don't?

Josh is still on the mail round and he arrives with a letter for's from her solicitor, arranging a meeting for the following week to talk about her trial...Josh is relieved and so is Crystal, who seems convinced that it's only a matter of time before she gets out.

Down in the kitchen, the Julies are cleaning up and Julie J is still wittering on about what they're going to do when they're released and whether or not the others will throw them a leaving party...Julie S is still incredibly distracted and looks like a woman with the weight of the world on her shoulders...stormy waters ahead for our inseperable duo I think.

It's Babs' shift cleaning the officers' luck would have it, Helen walks in and Babs takes the opportunity to put a good word in for Nikki...

Barbara : It's a good job Nikki was in control the other night.
Helen : (Open mouthed shock) I'm sorry?
Barbara : Otherwise we might've had a full-blown riot on our's just...I heard some of the officers talking as if she were the ring-leader, when actually, she did everything she could to contain it.
Helen : Did she tell you to say all this?
Barbara : (Flapping slightly) Oh no no! You mustn't think that!
Helen : In case you'd forgotten, it was Nikki who instigated the whole thing!
Barbara : Yes, but it started peacefully!
Helen : Barbara, we are lucky that no one was, if Nikki hadn't kept a lid on things she would've been out of here at the speed of light...if she thinks she was badly treated then you can tell her from me - she doesn't know she was born!

Helen storms out of the room leaving Babs obviously wishing she'd kept her trap shut.

Julie S comes off the phone with a huge grin on her face, a grin that fades when Julie J comes across her and asks why she isn't down in visiting because David will be waiting...Julie S explains that probation have put a private room aside for them...Julie J tells her partner in crime to give David her love and tells her to tell him that she'll see him on the outside...Julie S looks extremely troubled as she walks away.

Yvonne happens onto the wing and catches up with Barbara...

Yvonne : couldn't get a hold of some of that communion wine for me could ya?

Yvonne explains that it's the Julies' last night on the wing and she wants to give them a proper send off...Barbara tells her that the communion wine is all locked up, but is then hit by an idea...

Barbara : Unless...
Yvonne : What?
Barbara : There might be something else I could get...and it's got a lot more kick to it than communion wine!
Yvonne : (Grins) Thanks Babs.

Duh! No prizes for guessing where she's going to acquire something with more kick than wine...Fenner's desk by any chance???

David arrives for his visit with his mum...she tells him that she's been in contact with Trevor again and that the two of them have decided to give things another go...she also tells David that they're going to live as a family, her, David and Trevor...David looks more than a little overwhelmed at this prospect, but leans forward to take his mum's hands.

Outside, Caroline is sketching in the garden as Nikki emerges from the potting-shed...

Nikki : (Spots Caroline and wanders over with an arm full of bedding plants) What you doing here?
Caroline : Art class.
Nikki : (Sits down next to Caroline and looks over her shoulder at her drawing) I didn't know you had a talent.
Caroline : (Raises her eyebrows and looks up suggestively) Didn't you? (Looks back down at her drawing) We're doing a project called 'inside outside' I thought I'd do your shed...sort of like an inside space...outside...if you know what I mean?

Notice here, Nikki's staring at Caroline's hair.

Caroline : So...I'll need to do the inside as well, won't I? (Pause to look at Nikki coyly) If you'll let me.
Nikki : (Smiles and nods) Come on.

The two depart for the shed...and up in a window, Helen is shown watching this scene with an anguished look on her face...oh dear...touch of the green-eyed monster???

Get in there Nikki!!! HAH!

End of Part Two...

Off to the loo...back in a mo...

Part Three...

In the visiting room...Julie S finally realises that David is not only overwhelmed, but also slightly subdued by the news about her and Trevor and asks him what's wrong...

David : I've always had two parents...Auntie Julie's been like a second mum.
Julie S : She always will be.
David : But we won't be living together like we always said that we would.

Julie reassures him by telling him that it's still 'early days' between her and Trevor, and if they do decide to move in together, that Julie J will be having one of the bedrooms...David's pleased about this, but wonders if his Dad will be...Julie's confident though...

Julie S : I've told him that we come as a package.

David seems a hell of a lot happier now...but will Julie J when she finds out?

Out on the wing, Maxine and the Boot Gang start giving Nikki hassle before Maxine starts asking Caroline about her sentence, making it clear that she knows something that no one else does...Caroline looks more than a little worried, but Nikki misses out on the vibe and suggests that they eat their dinner elsewhere...Al, who's straining at the leash to give Nikki a good kicking, asks what Maxine's up to...

Maxine : It's called treasure in ' have to wait for it.

And Al's not the only one to be confused by this cryptic reply...rather along the lines of 'the seagulls follow the trawler because they think that the sardines will be thrown into the sea'...But Maxine ain't French and she ain't a footballer...what on earth is she on about???

Later that night in the library...Nikki's browsing the shelves while Caroline stares off into space...

Nikki : (Takes a book from the shelf) Here's that book I was telling you about. (Sits down)
Caroline : (Looks up, distracted and smiles) Oh right.
Nikki : (Looks at Caroline for a moment, concerned) You alright?
Caroline : (Puts her own book down and leans towards Nikki) It's that Maxi.
Nikki : Don't let her get to's exactly what she wants.
Caroline : I know.
Nikki : She's a creep...they all are...don't let them wind you up.
Caroline : I feel safe when I'm with you.
Nikki : You're the one who got that knife off 'em.
Caroline : (Leans forward, smiling conspiratorially) I only did it to get your attention.

Nikki puts her book down and the two lean in for a kiss, that is interrupted by the one person everyone wanted to walk in right at that moment...Helen...and her face is an absolute picture when she sees what's going on...

Helen : Nikki, can I have a word please?

Oooh eck!!!

Up on G2, the Julies are packing up their stuff ready for their release the following day...

Julie J : I know it sounds stupid, but I'm gonna miss this place.

Yep, you're right Julie, it does sound stupid!!!

Anyway, Julie S is on the verge of revealing her big secret when they are interrupted by Yvonne and Crystal who is carrying a cake with two candles burning on top of it...closely followed by Babs who is carrying the bottle of whisky from Fenner's drawer...also invited are Shaz and Buki, and the gang all gather around to watch as the Julies blow the candles out...

Buki : What did you wish for then?
Julie S : (Shiftily) It don't come true if you tell everyone.
Julie J : Bet I can guess...same as me eh Jue?

Oh Julie...if only you knew!!!

Back in the library, Helen and Nikki are now alone...

Helen : What is going on?
Nikki : (Arms folded, petulant look on her face) I thought that was blindingly obvious.
Helen : Nikki, you should be concentrating on your appeal, not fooling around like could get you into serious trouble.
Nikki : And fooling around with you wouldn't?
Helen : I'll pretend I didn't hear that!
Nikki : Sorry if I'm being a bit thick here Miss, but I thought you said you didn't want anything more to do with me.
Helen : I'm still in charge of your welfare...whether I like it or not.
Nikki : We wouldn't be a teeny bit jealous would we by any chance?
Helen : Is that why you're doing this?
Nikki : Yeah...right...a quick snog in an empty library, just the way to flaunt it! If anything's going on, it's you stalking me.
Helen : (Face scrunches in an 'I can't believe you just said that' look) Don't be ridiculous!
Nikki :'ve made it clear that you don't give a shit about me...fine! So how I feel has nothing to do with you anymore! (Moves round in chair) Now, can I go please. (Pause while she waits for a reply she doesn't receive) I think that's a yes! (Walks over to door)
Helen : (Bereft look on her face) Nikki!

Nikki turns, the music starts and we have another significant emotional moment coming up...

Helen is silent, and the two just look at each other...

Nikki : Well?

And just when we begin to think that things might be okay, that Helen might confess that she made a mistake in dumping Nikki...

Helen : Be careful.

And Nikki's not the only one to say...

Nikki : What?
Helen : You heard.

Nikki stares at Helen for a few seconds with tears in her eyes before leaving the room...totally and utterly defeated.

Down on the wing, Caroline is extremely edgy as she waits for Nikki's return...she's obviously worried that she's going to get into trouble, but Nikki assures her that there's nothing to worry about, Helen won't be reporting them...she then asks Caroline if she wants to go to the Julies party and as they climb the stairs, Maxine is seen watching them with an extremely predatory look on her face.

Nikki and Caroline arrive in the Julies' cell in time to find the rest of the gang downing the whisky...

Yvonne : Where have you been?
Nikki : I just had to pop down to the library with Caroline.

This reply is met by much 'oohing' and 'aahing' and a roomful of knowing smiles...Nikki's obviously embarrassed at the teasing but she and Caroline soon join in with the party.

Down by the pool table, Al's extremely pissed off that the others are apparently having such a good time and turns to Maxine...

Al : What is it you're hiding from us Maxi? I want one good reason why I don't go up there and pluck out Wade's eyeballs!
Tina :'s doin' my 'ead in n'all!
Maxine : (Produces piece of paper from her back pocket and hands it to Al) Have a read of that.
Al : (Reads and raises her eyebrows) Jesus Christ!
Maxine : (Looks up at the Julies' cell) Yeah...the longer we leave her, the deeper she digs herself in!'s obviously about Nikki or Caroline...who's your money on???

The party is interrupted by Josh, and as the gang file out, the Julies grab Nikki...

Julie J : Are you and Caroline...
Nikki : Well...we'll see.
Julie J : She's a lovely girl.
Nikki : (Blushes, looks down and shuffles her feet) Thanks. (Leaves the cell)
Both Julies : (Look at each other) Ahhhhh!

Helen catches up with Bodybag just before she leaves for home and tells her that she's been talking to allocations about overcrowding on seems that the Lifers' Unit has been putting extra strain on the staff...Bodybag agrees and Helen gives her a list of names of inmates who are to be transferred off the wing the following prizes for guessing the name at the end of the list...Caroline Lewis...oh dear...Nikki isn't going to like that one, is this the green-eyed monster again, or does Helen know something that we don't?

The Julies are in the middle of preparing to go to bed and Julie J finally twigs that there's something not quite right with her partner in crime...Julie S finally confesses that she's met up with Trevor and that the two of them have decided to try again, Julie J, as you might expect, is more than a little upset...

Julie J : (Tearfully) Jue...please tell me that this is a wind-up.

But Julie S is serious...and all of Julie J's plans suddenly fly out of the window.

End of Part Three...


Part Four...

The following day...the Julies are dressed in their 'outside' clothes and are sitting in their now bare cell as they wait to be's clear that Julie J is totally pissed off because the silence is almost deafening, causing Julie S to make a last-ditch attempt at a reconciliation...

Julie S : It might not even work out with me and Trevor.

But Julie J is beyond forgiveness...

Julie J : You planned all this behind my back!
Julie S : We can still make it work!
Julie J : No we can't! You've ruined everything!

Gina arrives then to take them down to reception...Julie J responds by grabbing her stuff and storming out of the cell...

Gina : What's up with 'er? She got the decorators in or summink?
Julie S : Don't ask!

Down on the wing, Caroline has some depressing news for Nikki...

Caroline : I'm being shipped out...something to do with overcrowding on the wing...Miss Stewart's orders.

This of course prompts Nikki to toddle off to confront Helen in her office...

Nikki : You just can't bear to see me happy...can you?
Helen : You are way off!
Nikki : (Leaning over desk confrontationally) Why can't you just admit that you're jealous?
Helen : I don't have to explain myself!
Nikki : Because you haven't got the balls that's why! (Backs away from desk) You're like a big kid...(Voice starting to break) don't want the toy and you don't want anyone else to have it either! Is this how it's going to be? Everytime I meet someone I like they get moved out?
Helen : I won't be responsible for that when your Wing Governor gets back.
Nikki : Betts wouldn't have done this!
Helen : Look Nikki...I've got no more to say on the matter!
Nikki : (Leans over desk, eyes narrowed, extremely angry) And that's what you always do Helen...isn't it? You play the power game on me...have you ever considered therapy? Christ knows you need it! (Storms over to door, opens door, glares back at Helen tearfully before leaving the room)

After hearing the door slam, Helen leans back in her chair with a look on her face that suggests that she doesn't know whether to throw up or burst into tears.

Down in reception, the Julies are signing for their stuff and receiving a last minute body search from Bodybag...

Bodybag : I think they're clean Miss arms or ammunition that I can see anyway.

She looks over at the Julies, and is disappointed to see that they're not in the mood to join in with her jokes...odd, seems like the old Bodybag might be a bit sad to see the Julies released...and she's more than a little concerned to see that they both look like they're on their way to a funeral...

Bodybag : What's the matter with you two? You had a falling out or what? Anyone would think you were going to prison, not leaving it.

The silence continues as the Julies sign for their money and stash of condoms, before they leave without saying goodbye...

Bodybag : Blimey O'Reilly!

Yep...I think you got that one right!


It's time for him and Helen to leave for the conference...but she's wearing her 'Rent a Tent' trousers and might get blown away on the way...anyway, he's come up with a last minute change of plan...

Dr Yes Yes : Er...I thought we might stop for a bite to eat on the way...there's a pub I know on the river.
Helen : Sounds perfect.

GAH!! Not even worth wasting my time on a comment!!!

Out on the wing, Maxine arrives in time to discover that Caroline is about to be shipped out, this panics her and she goes off to see Nikki...

Maxine :'s say goodbye to your girlfriend then Wade...that's a shame innit?
Nikki : (Extremely pissed off) You really are getting on my tits!
Maxine : Be a shame when everyone knows she's a nonce.
Nikki : (Grabs Maxine by the throat and pushes her up against a table) I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU PURVIS
Maxine : (Grinning) Turn you on screwing a child molester? 'Cause that's what she is...i'nt she?
Nikki : What?
Maxine : Didn't you know? (Talks to the rest of the inmates) Big Queen Nikki here's been shagging a nonce!

There's an immediate stirring of interest amongst the other inmates and they begin to gather as Nikki sees Caroline emerging from her cell with Josh...

Maxine : That's what Caroline Lewis is in for...her and her bloke took pictures of kids having sex and sold them on the Net...all that embezzlement crap is a load of bollocks to protect her!
Nikki : You little shit!
Maxine : (Holds out piece of paper) It's all in the file.

Nikki takes the paper and reads it, and as realisation suddenly hits her, Tina starts up a chant...

Tina : Nonce! Nonce! Kill the nonce!

The other inmates join in and storm Caroline's cell...quick thinking Josh only just manages to pull her inside the cell to safety and locks the door in the nick of Maxine looks on, grinning an evil grin that beats anything Shell had to offer, Nikki looks around to see Helen standing at the gate...the look on her face says it all - 'I told you to be careful'. And Nikki realises two things...Helen arranged the transfer to protect her, and that her credibility amongst the other inmates is totally shot to shit...just when you thought things couldn't get any worse eh???

Quick word about and utter scum bucket who probably deserved to be set upon by the others...her caginess about Helen's discovery is suddenly explained, as is the fact that she singled out Nikki, seeing her as someone with influence amongst the inmates who might be able to provide protection...everyone's allowed to be a bad judge of character now and again, but Nikki may well have cooked her goose with this one!!!

Outside, the Julies emerge from the gates to be met by David...Julie J greets him and then announces her intention to leave them to it, prompting Julie S to try to talk her round on last time...just as she does, a couple of plain-clothed coppers appear out of nowhere...

DC Patel : We're investigating some thefts at the 'Seventh Heaven' sauna in Wandsworth between 1995 and 1997.
Julie J : Never 'eard of it!
Julie S : Me neither! (Grabs David's arm) Come on David.
DC Patel : We know you both worked there...for a Miss Virginia O'Kane...under the name 'The Two Trudies'.

It appears that while working at this particular sauna, the Julies ran a sideline in nicking wallets and credit cards and that many of these people have since come forward to report them...barely out of prison for five minutes, both Julies are arrested and bundled into a nearby police car.


Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)

Top Dog of the Week
Maxi is shaping up well; more cunning than Dockley at her best, both Nikki and Yvonne will have to watch their backs now. Despite her dishonourable intentions, she opened Nikki's eyes to Caroline and opened the way back to Helen's heart [yes that is the lamest thing I've ever written - Filbert, sack this beta reader]

Blimey, a screw on the ball! Josh saw the danger and kept Caroline safe from the lynch mob.

Babs gets a mention for a) trying to sweet talk Helen and b) piking Fenner's bottle of Scotch.

Twatting Twat of the Week
Helen - full on smiley flirty mode with Dr Yes Yes, about 5 minutes after splitting up with Nikki. Something to prove, Miss Stewart?

She a bit schizo really, Miss Governor Stewart still doesn't understand Nikki's antipathy to the prison service, and takes her opposition personally. She has her head too far up her arse to appreciate Nikki's idealism now, and picks and chooses which rules to bend to suit her own moral high ground.

On the other hand, leather jacket sexbomb Helen loves Nikki and is looking out for her while trying to reconcile her sodding principles.

Nikki for having her head turned so quickly by Caroline - v. fickle. For someone who's been inside that long, she was far too trusting, even being on the rebound. And in the library, just when I thought Helen might try and patch things up, she coldly says "Well?" and the moment is lost. Still, it made a change from hangdog Nikki desperately apologising for breathing.

Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Julie J - shat on again by her best mate... Julie S is really stretching that friendship.

Spin Doctor of the Week
Helen - at first I thought it was simple jealousy on her part that led to her sticking her oar in. But she was torn between confidentiality and warning Nikki off. The look she exchanged with Nikki when all was revealed spoke volumes... there's still something there, isn't there?

Nikki managed to resolve the stand-off peacefully - nice move, locking the Peckham girls in. But her popularity has taken a serious tumble, she won't find it so easy to sway the wing again.

Worst Girl of the Week
Caroline - we don't know all the details and maybe never will, but not only is her crime despicable, she also deceived our heroine. Was she truly interested or just looking for some protection?

Best Line of the Week
Nikki: I just had to pop down the library with Caroline.
All: Oh yeah?! (drunken sniggering)
Yvonne: Read any good books?!

Nikki: And that's what you always do, Helen, isn't it? Play the power game on me.

Bodybag: Blimey O'Reilly. [All in the delivery, of course]

Tina : What does...ESN mean Maxi?
Maxine : Extra special nuisance.
[Maxi shows that she does have a heart, deciding against telling her sister that she's Educationally Sub Normal!]

Al: It says here I'm you think I'm paranoid Maxi? [Brilliant!!]

Gina: What's up with 'er? Got the decorators in or summink?

Worst Line of the Week
Helen: You betrayed me tonight... It's over, Nikki... I don't want anything more to do with you... I don't even feel sad about it. [Wake up and smell the pisspots Helen, it was Nikki's integrity and passion that drew you to her in the first place.]

Helen [to the doc]: Anyway, you'll have me to hold your hand. [Yep, you're on the receiving end of a lesbian fatwa now, Stewart]

Warring Faction of the Week
Helen and Nikki. It was v. refreshing to see Helen showing a touch of the green-eyed monster while Nikki's heartbreak seemed short-lived.

Nikki and Maxine...Maxi is proving that she's cleverer and less fearless than Shell and is really starting to take control of the wing (reminds me more than a little of S&L's Polly Mitchell, what do you reckon Coops?) by singling out the most respected inmates and bringing them down to was Nikki this week, we can only imagine the fireworks when she really takes on Yvonne.

Best Performance by an Extra
The Dawn-alike cracking up laughing when Nikki shuts the Peckham Boot Gang in their cell was quite good; but the prize goes to the DST officer underimpressed with Tina's toilet habits.

Sight of the Week
Barbara's amused look as Caroline greets Nikki warmly at breakfast.

Nikki and Caroline disappearing into the hallowed Potting Shed - was I the only one going "You fickle tart, Wade!"?

Bodybag and Gina wanting a laugh with the Julies... they had two hopes, and one of them was Bob.

Helen's face when Nikki and the rest of the wing discover Caroline's secret.

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
I can't believe Nikki was all coy about showing off her famous beige bra to Caroline.

Duh! It took me the whole episode to work out that ESN stands for Educationally Sub-Normal.

Why did Maxi need Tina to fake-wee on the bed; she could have just secreted the report about her person like she did the rest of the time. Didn't see any squatting over mirrors going on, after all.

Considering the whole premise of the Nikki/Helen relationship is that they "just get each other", there's an awful lot of misunderstanding and poor communication involved.

Why oh why oh why haven't we seen Lauren or at least heard Yvonne's reaction to Charlie's shooting. That is seriously bugging me now, and not just because I have a huge crush on both Atkins women *lol*.

Why did it take Julie J so long to suss out that her best mate was acting shiftier than a Tory politician whenever the subject of their release was raised...yeah, so she isn't exactly the brightest bulb in the pack, but these two know each other so well that they finish each other's sentences.

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