Season 3, Episode 12: Tough Love
Recap by Filbertfox
Well, the trailers have wound everyone up into a hissy fit this week,
so, before we start, it's time for this week's questions...
1. Now that the landings are covered with the stuff, what are the
inmates going to use for toilet roll?? Newspaper anyone??
2. Will Nikki fall for the charms of new girl Caroline?
3. Will we get to see Bodybag in her riot gear?? After all of the
tension of last week, I think we need a bit of light relief!!
4. Will Helen realise that Dr Yes Yes is a complete slob before it's too
late?? As my Mum said last week - 'Look at him, he doesn't even brush
his hair...you can imagine what his underpants are like!'
Right...better get stuck in then, hadn't I??? Hope you lot have got your
tissues at the ready!!
The inmates are still revolting...well, a great proportion of them are
anyway, the rest are just rioting...firemen are shown outside putting
out the swingers that the inmates have set light to and thrown out of
the window...as they do this, a roll of toilet roll is seen streaming
out of the window...the scene inside the wing is even worse, the entire
contents of the 'Andrex' factory is strewn all over the landings...all
we're missing is an ickle Labrador puppy romping through it. Again, I
raise the question - what's gonna happen when the inmates realise that
they've run out of bog roll??? Never mind running out of food, the place
is going to go up like a rocket when all of the women have to start
wiping their arses on newspaper!!!
Downstairs, a group of inmates keep an eye on the gate...the evilness
that is Maxine Purvis saunters over at this point and heads over in the
direction of the officers' room...the footie top wearing extra calls her
Extra : Oi! Nikki said no one was to go in there!
Maxine : (Turns around) Nikki who?
...and then enters the officers' room regardless...hmmmm, she's
obviously got some sort of cunning plan up her sleeve. But, we've no
time to consider her motives, Nikki's up in her cell and wearing only a
bra as she washes at her sink, only to be interrupted by luscious blonde
Caroline : (Spots Nikki in a state of undress) Sorry. (But doesn't
Nikki : (Turns around and covers herself up with towel) It's alright.
Caroline : Thought you could use one of these. (Hands Nikki a plastic
Nikki : (Smiling) Thanks
Caroline gives Nikki a very appreciative look, which the Nikster
catches...ooh err...watch out Helen!!!
Down in the officers' room...the cunning plan is beginning to unfold -
Maxine is rifling through the filing cabinet and pulling out files at
random...she pulls the contents of these files before replacing the
empty jackets...knowing the sensitivity of the contents of these files,
wouldn't you have thought that it would be kept locked at all times???
Back up in Nikki's cell, she and Caroline are sitting down on top of the
Nikki : So what are you in for?
Caroline : Embezzlement...(Pauses to take a drink)...the guy I was with
needed money for his software firm - to stop it going under...I was
working for a big travel agents, had access to the
Nikki : What did you get?
Caroline : Minus what I did on remand...about eighteen months to go.
Nikki : And what about him?
Caroline : Did a bunk didn't he? Not seen him since I got sent
down...been together five years!
Nikki : (Martyred sigh) The things we do for love eh?
Caroline : (Laughs) Both in for the same reason then.
Nikki : What?
Caroline : You killed a copper didn't you for trying to rape your
Nikki : Who told you that?
Caroline : Everyone knows about you...(Nikki smiles and turns away,
embarrassed)...you've got a big following in here!
Nikki : First I've heard of it!
Caroline : Modest and smart! (Laughs and then looks straight at Nikki,
suddenly serious) Not much you haven't got really is there?
Nikki : (Also serious) I wouldn't get too close...you might be
Caroline : How close will you let me come?
The two look at each other for a few moments before Caroline leans in
for a kiss, just when we think that Nikki might reciprocate, she jumps
off the bunk.
Nikki : I'm spoken for.
Caroline : (Raises eyebrows) Not what I'd heard.
Nikki : I said you'd be disappointed.
Caroline : Not what I've seen either.
Nikki : Yeah, well...it's no one in here.
Caroline : I'm a big girl you know...if this is your way of letting me
down gently I...
Nikki : No...I should be out of here soon with any luck, and then we'll
Caroline : Soon can be a long time in a place like this.
And Nikki is left staring at Caroline whilst she considers this.
Meanwhile, Maxine sticks the pile of papers she's stolen down the back
of her trousers before leaving the officers' room...just before leaving,
she makes a grab for something that's lying on top of the table and
takes it out with her...
Extra : Find anything?
Maxine : Chocolate fingers. (Throws packet of chocolate fingers at extra
who catches them) Wash them first though, in case they're Hollamby's...don't
know where she might've had 'em!
Talking of ye Olde Bodybag, she's upstairs with the other officers...
Bodybag : Go in now I say, while they're all asleep and drugged up to
Helen insists that although she's just as angry about the situation as
Bodybag is, she's not prepared to go in because 'they have a genuine
grievance' - Duh!! Maybe should've thought about that before you told
Nikki to sod off last week!! Anyway, the screws don't think that this is
Gina : Most of 'em couldn't care less about Femi...they just want a
Bodybag : Exactly!
Helen : I'm well aware of it...and as soon as this is sorted out,
they're gonna pay for it...don't worry!
Maxine is then shown in her cell, a look of surprise on her face as
Helen announces over the PA system that she's ready to negotiate before
asking all of the prisoners to assemble on the wing for a
meeting...which they do...screws on one side of the gate and inmates on
the other. There's a very significant eyemeet between Helen and Nikki
before Helen begins...
Helen : Okay...I've thought about all you've said and I understand
Nikki : So what are you gonna do about it?
Helen : I've spoken to allocations...we've arranged to transfer another
Nigerian prisoner with a similar background to Femi...she'll be here
tomorrow...(Pause as we hear a rumble amongst the inmates)...she speaks
good English, she and Femi can share a cell on E-Wing.
Nikki : (Seemingly satisfied) Well, that's something.
Helen : (Patronisingly) So...would you like to call off your little
Nikki : It's off!
But someone else has other ideas...
Maxine : Oi! Not so fast...what about all the rest? Crap food you
wouldn't feed a pig! Same screws treating us like shit!
Al : Beds that stink of piss!
The other inmates start to make noises of agreement and Nikki and Helen
begin to see the whole thing beginning to slide out of their control
Nikki : (Turning to the other inmates) THIS IS NOT WHAT THIS IS
Maxine : Yes it is! (Turns an evil stare onto Nikki who looks away,
disgusted) And we'll take this up onto the roof if we have to!
Nikki : This is about Femi! Now we've just had assurances...
Maxine : Assurances my arse! I'm sick of this shit! (Turns to the other
inmates) Come on!
The majority of the inmates follow the Boot Gang back onto the wing,
leaving the Scooby Gang isolated...Nikki turns back to Helen...
Nikki : It just needs time to sink in...that's all...they're a bit
Helen : And who fired them up Nikki?
Helen glares at Nikki, nostrils a flaring before leading the screws off
the wing...Nikki is left watching their departure like a stunned rabbit
before making another attempt to calm the others down...
Nikki : Look, we've made our point!
Julie S : Yeah, yeah!
Maxine : Have we?
Nikki : (Walks over to confront Maxine) You heard Stewart...what else
can she do?
Maxine : (Looks Nikki up and down as if she's something nasty she's
discovered on the bottom of her shoe) Who the shit are you anyway?
Nikki : (Refuses to be intimidated and directs a homicidal glare at
Maxine) The shit who started it...remember?
Maxine : Going soft in your old age! (Turns a dismissive smile on the
assembled inmates) Just 'cause she topped a pig about fifty years ago!
Nikki : So you and your poxy mates are 'ard are ya?
Al : Show you how hard will ah?
Pause at this point for our first glimpse of Yvonne...she's sitting
upstairs on the landing and observing the proceedings in
isolation...obviously unwilling to get involved.
Nikki : Just wait 'til their fags start running out and their added
on days start piling up!
Maxine : (Leans forward and pins Nikki down with a mad, poppy-eyed
stare) You might not have the stomach Wade, but there's others have!
Nikki considers the Boot Gang for a few seconds and realises that she's
outnumbered, she eventually drops eye contact and huffs and puffs in
that classic Wade way before stropping off back upstairs...the rest of
the Scooby Gang - the Julies, Crystal, Shaz, Babs and Caroline, follow,
leaving Maxine to dish out the orders to the assembled inmates.
Up on G2, Nikki catches up with Yvonne...
Nikki : Thanks for all your help!
Yvonne : I told you...I'm sick of fighting other people's battles!
Nikki : Well there's some things you gotta make a stand for!
Yvonne : (Stops walking, turns around and favours Nikki with that
menacing glare we all know and love) Look...I already go to sleep at
night with one eye open because of those little tarts! (Relents
slightly) I'm getting too old for this Nikki, I just want a quiet life.
Nikki : Well you're not gonna get that with Maxine Purvis in
charge...are ya? (Walks away)
Yvonne : (Watches Nikki walk away and then obviously comes up with an
And as Yvonne goes off to catch up with Nikki, she's got a grin on her
face...wonder what she's come up with now...another head butt fest I
Down in the Boot Gang HQ, Maxine is reading the files she pilfered from
the officers' room and reads out part of Al's...
Maxine : Alison Mackenzie, dangerously aggressive tendencies,
Maxine hands Al her file and even manages to attract the attention of
the lazily ambivalent Tina who jumps down from her bunk to read her own
Al : It says here I'm paranoid...do you think I'm paranoid Maxi?
Meanwhile, Tina's also found something she doesn't like...
Tina : What does...ESN mean Maxi?
Maxine : Extra special nuisance.
Maxine's found her own file and shares the contents proudly...
Maxine : Cunning...fearless...possible ring-leader.
Al : Mebbe they're not so stupid after all eh?
At this point, we all appreciate the irony of this statement as a
grinning Yvonne watches Nikki slam the Boot Gang's cell door shut and
locks them in...the Boot Gang start screaming threats through the door
but this is met by hilarity from the Scooby Gang who are more than a
little pleased with their ingenuity...as Maxine threatens Nikki, Babs
arrives to ask what all the fuss is about...
Nikki : It's lock-up time!
And it's maybe just in the nick of time, because upstairs, the screws
are all kitted out in their riot gear and we get another hilarious shot
of Bodybag looking like the Terminator as Stormin' Norman...er
sorry...Helen, relays her plan of attack...
Helen : I've given them every option to withdraw...we've got no
option but to use force. I want you to go in hard...I want no
victimisation, no score-settling...this has to be a professional
LMAO!! I was put in mind of the dance teacher from 'Fame' then, rapping
her stick on the floor as she tells the dancers that they've got to
sweat blood etc etc etc...anyway, just as we think that we're in for
another round of violence, superscrew sticks her head around the door...
Gina : Nikki Wade wants to see ya...she says it's all over!
The inmates, minus the Boot Gang, are gathered on the wing, talking
amongst themselves...Shaz is the first to notice the line of screws all
kitted up in their riot gear and reacts as you would expect...
Shaz : Jesus!
But it's time for the Helen and Nikki show again...
Helen : (Face like granite) Well?
Nikki : We've called it off.
Helen : Where's the Purvis sisters?
Nikki : Let's just say that they were banged up early. (Smiles)
Helen : (Unmoved) Right, get back to your cells! (Sees the surprised
look on the faces of the inmates who decide not to respond) Immediately!
Yvonne folds her arms and glares and the other inmates hold firm to
this...I can hear a little voice in my head saying - 'You didn't say
please...now go away and think about it for 10 minutes and then come
back and ask nicely!
Nikki : (Looks around at the other inmates) Do as she says!
The other inmates comply, but Nikki still refuses to move and looks at
Helen wistfully through the bars...
Helen : (Completely and utterly pissed off) What are you waiting for
Wade? I said get back to your cell! (Waits until a repentant looking
Nikki has complied before turning to the screws) Right...let's start
As the screws start to reassemble the wing, Josh catches up with
Josh : What are you playing at man? We was all tooled up to kick the
shit outta you!
Crystal : (Smiling) If you'da laid one finger on me boy you'da known
Crystal is rounded up by Gina then and shoved back into the dorm.
Upstairs, the Julies are getting ready for bed...it seems that they're
on the verge of completing their sentences and due to be released in a
few days...and as Julie J starts making plans, Julie S listens on with
an incredibly shifty look on her face...
Julie J : One day we'll have a place of our own...a cottage in the
country would be nice...a stream, and no men to spoil it! What do you
say to that then Jue?
Julie S : Mmmm...little stream would be nice.
And as Julie J continues to witter on, it's plain to see that Julie S is
more than a little worried about something...obviously she hasn't told
Julie J about Trevor yet...looks like tears before bedtime when she does
Up on G3, Helen's helping to lock the inmates back into their cells and
eventually comes to Nikki who is standing in the door of her cell and
plainly avid to get in with an explanation...but by the look on Helen's
face, which looks like it's been carved out of Mount Rushmore, it's
obvious that anything she says is going to fall on deaf ears...
Nikki : This wasn't about you.
Helen : (Extremely angry) I don't want to hear it!
Nikki : This was about the system.
Helen : (Turns into Judge Dredd) I AM THE LAW!
Okay, maybe she doesn't, but I've had enough of Miss Helen 'Hypocritally
slag the system off until the cows come home with Dr Yes Yes'
Stewart...okay, so it's obvious that she's gonna get off with him at
this conference, but ask me if I give a shit...let's just hope the git
has a premature ejaculation problem...that'll serve her right!!!
So, what Helen actually says is...
Helen : I am the system while I'm in charge...you betrayed me
Bloody hell!!! She just gets worse, doesn't she??? Talk about telling
Nikki to totally sod her principles if it interferes with the way she
runs things...and this is from the same woman who put her job on the
line for Podger and risked Fenner's life by stalling Karen when she
wanted to send in the heavy mob to sort Shell out...hmmmm, if N&H do
have a happy ending, I give it 6 months at the most, I don't fancy
Nikki's chances much if she has to face the Ayatollah of Larkhall every
time she forgets to do the washing-up!! Coops...if she's not TT this
week we're gonna have serious words!!!
Nikki : (Understandably pissed off) I thought you wanted to change
things in here.
Helen : Not by violence.
Nikki : That was the Peckham Gang wanting a free-for-all...they don't
care about Femi!
Helen : It's over Nikki!
Nikki : What?
Helen : You and me...I don't want anything more to do with you...you
know something...I don't even feel sad about it! Now get back into your
Nikki complies and then looks over at Helen like a puppy with its tail
trapped in the door...Helen is completely unswayed and locks the cell
door before walking away.
Okay...time for the halftime analysis...
Yes...Helen's still obviously shaken up since the crotch-grabbing
incident, and yes, she's unhappy that Nikki's resorted to violence -
first by threatening Fenner and then by instigating the riot – more than
1. She knew the crime that Nikki was guilty of...did it stop her from
getting involved with Nikki?
2. She's seen Nikki erupt before - launching herself across the servery
to attack Shell after her crack about Rachel, and smacking Dominic one
when her cell was given a spun for no reason - did it stop her from
getting involved with Nikki?
3. She knows that Nikki has principles and has a tendency to make a
point of voicing her concerns about mistreated inmates - Carol Byatt,
Rachel Hicks, Monica Lindsey - did it stop her from getting involved
Will the real Helen Stewart please stand up?
End of Part One...
Off to grab a cup of coffee…
Helen's making an announcement on the PA system...
Helen : Good morning G-Wing...hi de hi!
Helen : Good morning G-Wing...you will be locked in your cells until
further notice...there will be no education, no visits, no work, no
association...you will all lose a week's spends and there will be no
visits to the canteen all week! (Turns to Bodybag) Is that tough enough
for you Sylvia?
Meanwhile, the screws are spinning all of the cells on the wing and
Maxine and Tina start to panic in case they are caught with the
files...their solution? Flush them all down the bog...Maxine's reading
the files as she passes them to Tina for flushing, she pauses when one
in particular catches her eye...
Maxine : Jesus Christ!
Upstairs, Nikki's lying on her bunk like a piece of soggy lettuce, the
Boot Gang are shouting threats up at her but she doesn't appear to hear
them...there's only one thing on her mind, and as she begins to realise
the consequences of her actions, a solitary tear rolls down her face.
The screws have gotten around to Tina and Maxine's cell...and as they
search it, we see Tina sitting on the top bunk, whimpering like a
Screw : Right, let's have your mattresses. (Notices that the volume
of Tina's sobbing has increased) What's up with her?
Maxine : (Hovering in doorway) You're scaring her.
Screw : (Turning back to Tina) Come on! Up!
Maxine : She has these like fits when summink frightens 'er.
Screw : (Flashes a grin back at Maxine) That mirror won't help!
Maxine tips the nod at Tina then and a puddle appears underneath her,
making it seem as if she's wetting herself...the screws notice this and
decide against persuing the search...as soon as they leave, Tina stops
Maxine : Good one T!
Tina : I'm twatting soaked!
Maxine then retrieves the file she kept back from under Tina's mattress
and sticks it in the back pocket of her jeans...Tina asks what's so
interesting about it, but Maxine just smiles, brain obviously ticking
In the officers' room, Bodybag notices that Fenner's whiskey is still in
his desk where he left it and deduces out loud that the inmates must
have left the office alone...Helen disagrees and orders Bodybag to check
that all of the files and their contents are accounted for...Bodybag
pales at this and points out just how much work would be involved, but
Helen is adamant, and as she leaves the room, Bodybag is left with that
'busted arsehole' look on her face.
The new Nigerian prisoner has arrived and Gina takes her down to speak
to Femi who is still languishing down the block...the new inmate,
Fatima, starts to speak to Femi in her own language...Femi is over the
moon and the pair embrace before being led down to their new home on
E-Wing by a very chuffed looking Gina.
DR YES YES ALERT!!!!
And guess what??? He's still wearing that bloody awful corduroy
Now back in her office, Helen is preparing them coffee as she laments on
the situation down on the wing...
Dr Yes Yes : Quite a night! You must've been scared.
Helen : I never thought I'd actually find myself looking forward to a
Dr Yes Yes : Hmmm...then it'll be my turn to be bricking it!
Helen : Not quite the same scale.
Dr Yes Yes : Well...er...no, but standing up in front of some of the
leading people in the field...
Helen : What? People who've actually come to hear you talk as opposed to
a group of rioting prisoners. (Smiles) Anyway...you'll have me to hold
your hand. (Leans forward to hand him a cup of coffee)
Dr Yes Yes : (Leans forward to take cup) Well...if you put it like that.
I'm beyond caring...yes, the guy's a prize plonker with a wardrobe the
size of a matchbox, but I don't care if Helen shags him or not...Nikki
definitely deserves better.
A few days later???
Josh unlocks the Julies for breakfast and hands Julie S a letter, a
letter she quickly sticks down the front of her trousers before Julie J
gets a proper look at it...Julie J deduces that it's from David - it
turns out that he'll be visiting his mum later that day...again, Julie S
has that incredibly shifty look on her face...anyone else would've
noticed it by now, but Julie J isn't known for her powers of
Barbara and Nikki follow the Julies through to breakfast...
Barbara : Well she'll have said that in the heat of the moment won't
Nikki : Seemed pretty final to me...maybe she's just come to her
senses...I mean, it's a bit unlikely when you think about it...me and
Barbara : Well not if you win your appeal.
Hmmm...Nikki seems to be accepting the split with great equanimity, but
that's maybe a lot to do with the woman who greets her from the
Caroline : Hello Nikki.
Nikki : (Big grin) Oh...hiya.
Caroline : Sleep well?
Nikki : Yeah...you?
Caroline : Yeah thanks.
Babs senses that she might be more than a little in the way and leaves
them to it...she doesn't seem to be too impressed with Nikki's new
friend...well, let's face it, Nikki is ripe to rebound like a rugby ball
with a difficult bounce.
But across the room, someone else seems extremely interested in Nikki's
Maxine : Well, well, well.
Al : What?
Maxine : (Significant look over in Nikki's direction) I'nt life
Does she know something we don't?
Josh is still on the mail round and he arrives with a letter for
Crystal...it's from her solicitor, arranging a meeting for the following
week to talk about her trial...Josh is relieved and so is Crystal, who
seems convinced that it's only a matter of time before she gets out.
Down in the kitchen, the Julies are cleaning up and Julie J is still
wittering on about what they're going to do when they're released and
whether or not the others will throw them a leaving party...Julie S is
still incredibly distracted and looks like a woman with the weight of
the world on her shoulders...stormy waters ahead for our inseperable duo
It's Babs' shift cleaning the officers' room...as luck would have it,
Helen walks in and Babs takes the opportunity to put a good word in for
Barbara : It's a good job Nikki was in control the other night.
Helen : (Open mouthed shock) I'm sorry?
Barbara : Otherwise we might've had a full-blown riot on our
hands...it's just...I heard some of the officers talking as if she were
the ring-leader, when actually, she did everything she could to contain
Helen : Did she tell you to say all this?
Barbara : (Flapping slightly) Oh no no! You mustn't think that!
Helen : In case you'd forgotten, it was Nikki who instigated the whole
Barbara : Yes, but it started peacefully!
Helen : Barbara, we are lucky that no one was killed...now, if Nikki
hadn't kept a lid on things she would've been out of here at the speed
of light...if she thinks she was badly treated then you can tell her
from me - she doesn't know she was born!
Helen storms out of the room leaving Babs obviously wishing she'd kept
her trap shut.
Julie S comes off the phone with a huge grin on her face, a grin that
fades when Julie J comes across her and asks why she isn't down in
visiting because David will be waiting...Julie S explains that probation
have put a private room aside for them...Julie J tells her partner in
crime to give David her love and tells her to tell him that she'll see
him on the outside...Julie S looks extremely troubled as she walks away.
Yvonne happens onto the wing and catches up with Barbara...
Yvonne : Barbara...you couldn't get a hold of some of that communion
wine for me could ya?
Yvonne explains that it's the Julies' last night on the wing and she
wants to give them a proper send off...Barbara tells her that the
communion wine is all locked up, but is then hit by an idea...
Barbara : Unless...
Yvonne : What?
Barbara : There might be something else I could get...and it's got a lot
more kick to it than communion wine!
Yvonne : (Grins) Thanks Babs.
Duh! No prizes for guessing where she's going to acquire something with
more kick than wine...Fenner's desk by any chance???
David arrives for his visit with his mum...she tells him that she's been
in contact with Trevor again and that the two of them have decided to
give things another go...she also tells David that they're going to live
as a family, her, David and Trevor...David looks more than a little
overwhelmed at this prospect, but leans forward to take his mum's hands.
Outside, Caroline is sketching in the garden as Nikki emerges from the
Nikki : (Spots Caroline and wanders over with an arm full of bedding
plants) What you doing here?
Caroline : Art class.
Nikki : (Sits down next to Caroline and looks over her shoulder at her
drawing) I didn't know you had a talent.
Caroline : (Raises her eyebrows and looks up suggestively) Didn't you?
(Looks back down at her drawing) We're doing a project called 'inside
outside'...so I thought I'd do your shed...sort of like an inside
space...outside...if you know what I mean?
Notice here, Nikki's staring at Caroline's hair.
Caroline : So...I'll need to do the inside as well, won't I? (Pause
to look at Nikki coyly) If you'll let me.
Nikki : (Smiles and nods) Come on.
The two depart for the shed...and up in a window, Helen is shown
watching this scene with an anguished look on her face...oh dear...touch
of the green-eyed monster???
Get in there Nikki!!! HAH!
End of Part Two...
Off to the loo...back in a mo...
In the visiting room...Julie S finally realises that David is not only
overwhelmed, but also slightly subdued by the news about her and Trevor
and asks him what's wrong...
David : I've always had two parents...Auntie Julie's been like a
Julie S : She always will be.
David : But we won't be living together like we always said that we
Julie reassures him by telling him that it's still 'early days' between
her and Trevor, and if they do decide to move in together, that Julie J
will be having one of the bedrooms...David's pleased about this, but
wonders if his Dad will be...Julie's confident though...
Julie S : I've told him that we come as a package.
David seems a hell of a lot happier now...but will Julie J when she
Out on the wing, Maxine and the Boot Gang start giving Nikki hassle
before Maxine starts asking Caroline about her sentence, making it clear
that she knows something that no one else does...Caroline looks more
than a little worried, but Nikki misses out on the vibe and suggests
that they eat their dinner elsewhere...Al, who's straining at the leash
to give Nikki a good kicking, asks what Maxine's up to...
Maxine : It's called treasure in 'eaven...you have to wait for it.
And Al's not the only one to be confused by this cryptic reply...rather
along the lines of 'the seagulls follow the trawler because they think
that the sardines will be thrown into the sea'...But Maxine ain't French
and she ain't a footballer...what on earth is she on about???
Later that night in the library...Nikki's browsing the shelves while
Caroline stares off into space...
Nikki : (Takes a book from the shelf) Here's that book I was telling
you about. (Sits down)
Caroline : (Looks up, distracted and smiles) Oh right.
Nikki : (Looks at Caroline for a moment, concerned) You alright?
Caroline : (Puts her own book down and leans towards Nikki) It's that
Nikki : Don't let her get to you...it's exactly what she wants.
Caroline : I know.
Nikki : She's a creep...they all are...don't let them wind you up.
Caroline : I feel safe when I'm with you.
Nikki : You're the one who got that knife off 'em.
Caroline : (Leans forward, smiling conspiratorially) I only did it to
get your attention.
Nikki puts her book down and the two lean in for a kiss, that is
interrupted by the one person everyone wanted to walk in right at that
moment...Helen...and her face is an absolute picture when she sees
what's going on...
Helen : Nikki, can I have a word please?
Up on G2, the Julies are packing up their stuff ready for their release
the following day...
Julie J : I know it sounds stupid, but I'm gonna miss this place.
Yep, you're right Julie, it does sound stupid!!!
Anyway, Julie S is on the verge of revealing her big secret when they
are interrupted by Yvonne and Crystal who is carrying a cake with two
candles burning on top of it...closely followed by Babs who is carrying
the bottle of whisky from Fenner's drawer...also invited are Shaz and
Buki, and the gang all gather around to watch as the Julies blow the
Buki : What did you wish for then?
Julie S : (Shiftily) It don't come true if you tell everyone.
Julie J : Bet I can guess...same as me eh Jue?
Oh Julie...if only you knew!!!
Back in the library, Helen and Nikki are now alone...
Helen : What is going on?
Nikki : (Arms folded, petulant look on her face) I thought that was
Helen : Nikki, you should be concentrating on your appeal, not fooling
around like this...it could get you into serious trouble.
Nikki : And fooling around with you wouldn't?
Helen : I'll pretend I didn't hear that!
Nikki : Sorry if I'm being a bit thick here Miss, but I thought you said
you didn't want anything more to do with me.
Helen : I'm still in charge of your welfare...whether I like it or not.
Nikki : We wouldn't be a teeny bit jealous would we by any chance?
Helen : Is that why you're doing this?
Nikki : Yeah...right...a quick snog in an empty library, just the way to
flaunt it! If anything's going on, it's you stalking me.
Helen : (Face scrunches in an 'I can't believe you just said that' look)
Don't be ridiculous!
Nikki : Look...you've made it clear that you don't give a shit about
me...fine! So how I feel has nothing to do with you anymore! (Moves
round in chair) Now, can I go please. (Pause while she waits for a reply
she doesn't receive) I think that's a yes! (Walks over to door)
Helen : (Bereft look on her face) Nikki!
Nikki turns, the music starts and we have another significant emotional
moment coming up...
Helen is silent, and the two just look at each other...
Nikki : Well?
And just when we begin to think that things might be okay, that Helen
might confess that she made a mistake in dumping Nikki...
Helen : Be careful.
And Nikki's not the only one to say...
Nikki : What?
Helen : You heard.
Nikki stares at Helen for a few seconds with tears in her eyes before
leaving the room...totally and utterly defeated.
Down on the wing, Caroline is extremely edgy as she waits for Nikki's
return...she's obviously worried that she's going to get into trouble,
but Nikki assures her that there's nothing to worry about, Helen won't
be reporting them...she then asks Caroline if she wants to go to the
Julies party and as they climb the stairs, Maxine is seen watching them
with an extremely predatory look on her face.
Nikki and Caroline arrive in the Julies' cell in time to find the rest
of the gang downing the whisky...
Yvonne : Where have you been?
Nikki : I just had to pop down to the library with Caroline.
This reply is met by much 'oohing' and 'aahing' and a roomful of knowing
smiles...Nikki's obviously embarrassed at the teasing but she and
Caroline soon join in with the party.
Down by the pool table, Al's extremely pissed off that the others are
apparently having such a good time and turns to Maxine...
Al : What is it you're hiding from us Maxi? I want one good reason
why I don't go up there and pluck out Wade's eyeballs!
Tina : Yeah...it's doin' my 'ead in n'all!
Maxine : (Produces piece of paper from her back pocket and hands it to
Al) Have a read of that.
Al : (Reads and raises her eyebrows) Jesus Christ!
Maxine : (Looks up at the Julies' cell) Yeah...the longer we leave her,
the deeper she digs herself in!
So...it's obviously about Nikki or Caroline...who's your money on???
The party is interrupted by Josh, and as the gang file out, the Julies
Julie J : Are you and Caroline...
Nikki : Well...we'll see.
Julie J : She's a lovely girl.
Nikki : (Blushes, looks down and shuffles her feet) Thanks. (Leaves the
Both Julies : (Look at each other) Ahhhhh!
Helen catches up with Bodybag just before she leaves for home and tells
her that she's been talking to allocations about overcrowding on
G-Wing...it seems that the Lifers' Unit has been putting extra strain on
the staff...Bodybag agrees and Helen gives her a list of names of
inmates who are to be transferred off the wing the following
morning...no prizes for guessing the name at the end of the
list...Caroline Lewis...oh dear...Nikki isn't going to like that one
bit...so, is this the green-eyed monster again, or does Helen know
something that we don't?
The Julies are in the middle of preparing to go to bed and Julie J
finally twigs that there's something not quite right with her partner in
crime...Julie S finally confesses that she's met up with Trevor and that
the two of them have decided to try again, Julie J, as you might expect,
is more than a little upset...
Julie J : (Tearfully) Jue...please tell me that this is a wind-up.
But Julie S is serious...and all of Julie J's plans suddenly fly out of
End of Part Three...
The following day...the Julies are dressed in their 'outside' clothes
and are sitting in their now bare cell as they wait to be
released...it's clear that Julie J is totally pissed off because the
silence is almost deafening, causing Julie S to make a last-ditch
attempt at a reconciliation...
Julie S : It might not even work out with me and Trevor.
But Julie J is beyond forgiveness...
Julie J : You planned all this behind my back!
Julie S : We can still make it work!
Julie J : No we can't! You've ruined everything!
Gina arrives then to take them down to reception...Julie J responds by
grabbing her stuff and storming out of the cell...
Gina : What's up with 'er? She got the decorators in or summink?
Julie S : Don't ask!
Down on the wing, Caroline has some depressing news for Nikki...
Caroline : I'm being shipped out...something to do with overcrowding
on the wing...Miss Stewart's orders.
This of course prompts Nikki to toddle off to confront Helen in her
Nikki : You just can't bear to see me happy...can you?
Helen : You are way off!
Nikki : (Leaning over desk confrontationally) Why can't you just admit
that you're jealous?
Helen : I don't have to explain myself!
Nikki : Because you haven't got the balls that's why! (Backs away from
desk) You're like a big kid...(Voice starting to break)...you don't want
the toy and you don't want anyone else to have it either! Is this how
it's going to be? Everytime I meet someone I like they get moved out?
Helen : I won't be responsible for that when your Wing Governor gets
Nikki : Betts wouldn't have done this!
Helen : Look Nikki...I've got no more to say on the matter!
Nikki : (Leans over desk, eyes narrowed, extremely angry) And that's
what you always do Helen...isn't it? You play the power game on
me...have you ever considered therapy? Christ knows you need it! (Storms
over to door, opens door, glares back at Helen tearfully before leaving
After hearing the door slam, Helen leans back in her chair with a look
on her face that suggests that she doesn't know whether to throw up or
burst into tears.
Down in reception, the Julies are signing for their stuff and receiving
a last minute body search from Bodybag...
Bodybag : I think they're clean Miss Rossi...no arms or ammunition
that I can see anyway.
She looks over at the Julies, and is disappointed to see that they're
not in the mood to join in with her jokes...odd, seems like the old
Bodybag might be a bit sad to see the Julies released...and she's more
than a little concerned to see that they both look like they're on their
way to a funeral...
Bodybag : What's the matter with you two? You had a falling out or
what? Anyone would think you were going to prison, not leaving it.
The silence continues as the Julies sign for their money and stash of
condoms, before they leave without saying goodbye...
Bodybag : Blimey O'Reilly!
Yep...I think you got that one right!
DR YES YES ALERT!!!
It's time for him and Helen to leave for the conference...but she's
wearing her 'Rent a Tent' trousers and might get blown away on the
way...anyway, he's come up with a last minute change of plan...
Dr Yes Yes : Er...I thought we might stop for a bite to eat on the
way...there's a pub I know on the river.
Helen : Sounds perfect.
GAH!! Not even worth wasting my time on a comment!!!
Out on the wing, Maxine arrives in time to discover that Caroline is
about to be shipped out, this panics her and she goes off to see
Maxine : So...it's say goodbye to your girlfriend then Wade...that's
a shame innit?
Nikki : (Extremely pissed off) You know...you really are getting on my
Maxine : Be a shame when everyone knows she's a nonce.
Nikki : (Grabs Maxine by the throat and pushes her up against a table)
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU PURVIS
Maxine : (Grinning) Turn you on screwing a child molester? 'Cause that's
what she is...i'nt she?
Nikki : What?
Maxine : Didn't you know? (Talks to the rest of the inmates) Big Queen
Nikki here's been shagging a nonce!
There's an immediate stirring of interest amongst the other inmates and
they begin to gather as Nikki sees Caroline emerging from her cell with
Maxine : That's what Caroline Lewis is in for...her and her bloke
took pictures of kids having sex and sold them on the Net...all that
embezzlement crap is a load of bollocks to protect her!
Nikki : You little shit!
Maxine : (Holds out piece of paper) It's all in the file.
Nikki takes the paper and reads it, and as realisation suddenly hits
her, Tina starts up a chant...
Tina : Nonce! Nonce! Kill the nonce!
The other inmates join in and storm Caroline's cell...quick thinking
Josh only just manages to pull her inside the cell to safety and locks
the door in the nick of time...as Maxine looks on, grinning an evil grin
that beats anything Shell had to offer, Nikki looks around to see Helen
standing at the gate...the look on her face says it all - 'I told you to
be careful'. And Nikki realises two things...Helen arranged the transfer
to protect her, and that her credibility amongst the other inmates is
totally shot to shit...just when you thought things couldn't get any
Quick word about Caroline...total and utter scum bucket who probably
deserved to be set upon by the others...her caginess about Helen's
discovery is suddenly explained, as is the fact that she singled out
Nikki, seeing her as someone with influence amongst the inmates who
might be able to provide protection...everyone's allowed to be a bad
judge of character now and again, but Nikki may well have cooked her
goose with this one!!!
Outside, the Julies emerge from the gates to be met by David...Julie J
greets him and then announces her intention to leave them to it,
prompting Julie S to try to talk her round on last time...just as she
does, a couple of plain-clothed coppers appear out of nowhere...
DC Patel : We're investigating some thefts at the 'Seventh Heaven'
sauna in Wandsworth between 1995 and 1997.
Julie J : Never 'eard of it!
Julie S : Me neither! (Grabs David's arm) Come on David.
DC Patel : We know you both worked there...for a Miss Virginia O'Kane...under
the name 'The Two Trudies'.
It appears that while working at this particular sauna, the Julies ran a
sideline in nicking wallets and credit cards and that many of these
people have since come forward to report them...barely out of prison for
five minutes, both Julies are arrested and bundled into a nearby police
Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)
Top Dog of the Week
Maxi is shaping up well; more cunning than Dockley at her best, both
Nikki and Yvonne will have to watch their backs now. Despite her
dishonourable intentions, she opened Nikki's eyes to Caroline and opened
the way back to Helen's heart [yes that is the lamest thing I've ever
written - Filbert, sack this beta reader]
Blimey, a screw on the ball! Josh saw the danger and kept Caroline safe
from the lynch mob.
Babs gets a mention for a) trying to sweet talk Helen and b)
piking Fenner's bottle of Scotch.
Twatting Twat of the Week
Helen - full on smiley flirty mode with Dr Yes Yes, about 5 minutes
after splitting up with Nikki. Something to prove, Miss Stewart?
She a bit schizo really, Miss Governor Stewart still doesn't understand
Nikki's antipathy to the prison service, and takes her opposition
personally. She has her head too far up her arse to appreciate Nikki's
idealism now, and picks and chooses which rules to bend to suit her own
moral high ground.
On the other hand, leather jacket sexbomb Helen loves Nikki and is
looking out for her while trying to reconcile her sodding principles.
Nikki for having her head turned so quickly by Caroline - v. fickle. For
someone who's been inside that long, she was far too trusting, even
being on the rebound. And in the library, just when I thought Helen
might try and patch things up, she coldly says "Well?" and the moment is
lost. Still, it made a change from hangdog Nikki desperately apologising
Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Julie J - shat on again by her best mate... Julie S is really stretching
Spin Doctor of the Week
Helen - at first I thought it was simple jealousy on her part that led
to her sticking her oar in. But she was torn between confidentiality and
warning Nikki off. The look she exchanged with Nikki when all was
revealed spoke volumes... there's still something there, isn't there?
Nikki managed to resolve the stand-off peacefully - nice move, locking
the Peckham girls in. But her popularity has taken a serious tumble, she
won't find it so easy to sway the wing again.
Worst Girl of the Week
Caroline - we don't know all the details and maybe never will, but not
only is her crime despicable, she also deceived our heroine. Was she
truly interested or just looking for some protection?
Best Line of the Week
Nikki: I just had to pop down the library with Caroline.
All: Oh yeah?! (drunken sniggering)
Yvonne: Read any good books?!
Nikki: And that's what you always do, Helen, isn't it? Play the power
game on me. [FINALLY!!!]
Bodybag: Blimey O'Reilly. [All in the delivery, of course]
Tina : What does...ESN mean Maxi?
Maxine : Extra special nuisance. [Maxi shows that she does have a
heart, deciding against telling her sister that she's Educationally Sub
Al: It says here I'm paranoid...do you think I'm paranoid Maxi?
Gina: What's up with 'er? Got the decorators in or summink?
Worst Line of the Week
Helen: You betrayed me tonight... It's over, Nikki... I don't want
anything more to do with you... I don't even feel sad about it.
[Wake up and smell the pisspots Helen, it was Nikki's integrity and
passion that drew you to her in the first place.]
Helen [to the doc]: Anyway, you'll have me to hold your hand.
[Yep, you're on the receiving end of a lesbian fatwa now, Stewart]
Warring Faction of the Week
Helen and Nikki. It was v. refreshing to see Helen showing a touch of
the green-eyed monster while Nikki's heartbreak seemed short-lived.
Nikki and Maxine...Maxi is proving that she's cleverer and less fearless
than Shell and is really starting to take control of the wing (reminds
me more than a little of S&L's Polly Mitchell, what do you reckon
Coops?) by singling out the most respected inmates and bringing them
down to earth...it was Nikki this week, we can only imagine the
fireworks when she really takes on Yvonne.
Best Performance by an Extra
The Dawn-alike cracking up laughing when Nikki shuts the Peckham Boot
Gang in their cell was quite good; but the prize goes to the DST officer
underimpressed with Tina's toilet habits.
Sight of the Week
Barbara's amused look as Caroline greets Nikki warmly at breakfast.
Nikki and Caroline disappearing into the hallowed Potting Shed - was I
the only one going "You fickle tart, Wade!"?
Bodybag and Gina wanting a laugh with the Julies... they had two hopes,
and one of them was Bob.
Helen's face when Nikki and the rest of the wing discover Caroline's
Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
I can't believe Nikki was all coy about showing off her famous beige bra
Duh! It took me the whole episode to work out that ESN stands for
Why did Maxi need Tina to fake-wee on the bed; she could have just
secreted the report about her person like she did the rest of the time.
Didn't see any squatting over mirrors going on, after all.
Considering the whole premise of the Nikki/Helen relationship is that
they "just get each other", there's an awful lot of misunderstanding and
poor communication involved.
Why oh why oh why haven't we seen Lauren or at least heard Yvonne's
reaction to Charlie's shooting. That is seriously bugging me now, and
not just because I have a huge crush on both Atkins women *lol*.
Why did it take Julie J so long to suss out that her best mate was
acting shiftier than a Tory politician whenever the subject of their
release was raised...yeah, so she isn't exactly the brightest bulb in
the pack, but these two know each other so well that they finish each
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