Season 3, Episode 10: Chapel of Love
Recap by Filbertfox

Synopsis

So, questions for this week...

1. Will Di get even more barking or will someone figure out what she's up to?
2. Will Josh forgive Crystal, and more importantly, will she prove her innocence?
3. Will Helen have untangled herself from her trousers for long enough to appear tonight?
4. Will I get through tonight without the help of a can of 'Red Bull'?? Who cares...I'm off work tomorrow!! Yeeee haaaa!!!!

So, let's get on with the action...

We see Helen arriving for work in the mystery machine...er...sorry, I meant her Peugeot 306...notice, very dodgy parking from the Scottish totty here, is this symbolic?? Now she's flirting with the many pleasures of Sappho, is she incapable of straight parking?? Also, the 'Rent a Tent' trousers have gone, but she now has two briefcases...aha!! Is this a new plan to sneak Nikki out???

And it's straight into the precinct...sorry, the officers' room and Karen updating the troops on the latest plot developments...basically, Crystaaaaal's on hunger strike, has been for 5 days apparently and will continue until somebody believes that her piss is a pure as the driven snow...Josh, as you would expect, is extremely worried about her and asks Karen if she can be made to eat...Karen's reply is heartless to say the least...

Karen : She's got as much right to starve herself to death in here as she has on the outside.

Karen instructs the POs to keep a close eye on her and makes a point of asking a very dodgy looking Di to keep an extra special eye on her...duh!!! The meeting is then called to an end and Karen receives a phone call telling her that a new number one has been appointed temporarily...she turns to Jim and relays the news that the new boss is...wait for it, wait for it...Helen...der der DER!!! The look on Fenner's face is an absolute picture, talk about being slapped by a wet kipper!!!

Scene then switches to a close-up of Helen pinning her new name badge to her jumper - Helen Stewart, Governor Grade 1...the Fat Controller arrives at this point and makes it clear that he doesn't like the idea of Helen stepping into his shoes...

Stubberfield : You're just a pretty face to brighten up the board table Helen...until they pick their man.

Oh dear...did we catch the whiff of sour grapes there Stubbsy??? But, his pathetic attempt at intimidation doesn't get to Helen...she watches him leave with a rather triumphant smile on her face.

On the wing, its breakfast time and Di Barking takes a trip down to the 4 bed dorm to hurry the inmates along...Crystal's lying like a limp snot-rag on her bunk and is obviously the cause of a great deal of worry to Charlotte who gives her a rather meaningful look before leaving the cell, leaving Crystal in the clutches of the woman who could give Screaming Lord Sutch lessons in how to be a complete monster raving loony...Di, who looks more than a little guilty tries to persuade Crystal to eat but receives rather short shrift, so, she decides to put the boot in...

Di : You'll be dead and buried before anyone takes any notice...including Josh.

May you burn in the fiery pits of hell you evil fiend you!!!

Crystal continues to protest her innocence in the strongest possible terms, and although it appears that Di's on the verge of cracking from the guilt, she still maintains that the test was foolproof...this isn't what Crystal wants to hear and she turns over to face the wall, effectively ending the conversation...and when Di leaves the cell, Crystal burst into tears.

Up in the library, the lifer's meeting is called to a close and...hold on a sec...Nikki's got a new jumper!!!! It's grey, with black arms and is about as flattering as a potato sack...but, it doesn't seem to faze Helen who calls her back when the other inmates leave...

Helen : Nikki.
Nikki : (Turns around and walks back into the room) Yes Miss?
Helen : Well, it's yes Ma'am actually...if you don't mind.
Nikki : Huh?
Helen : They've only gone and made me acting number one...haven't they?
Nikki : (Not impressed) What? You're kidding!
Helen : (Spiffingly pleased) Well someone in area must like my politics. (Spots that
Nikki has a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp) Are you not pleased?
Nikki : I dunno.
Helen : Look, I've said that I'm still gonna run the Lifers' Unit.
Nikki : (Still not convinced) Right.
Helen : Oh Nikki...don't you see what it means?
Nikki : Yeah...sure...means you're top of the shit-heap...fantastic! I'll even have time for a group chat, when you can fit it in.
Helen : (Amused) God, I can always rely on you for a hard time can't I? (Pronounced cain't ah? Coz she's Scottish, innit?) Look, if anything, it means that I've got more chance of getting you out of here...and it sure as hell means count your days Jim Fenner!


Nikki smiles...but it's about as genuine as a 'Cartier' watch bought in a Singapore side street...by the way, the hair situation is still extremely dire...Billy the Fish is back in business!!

Back on the wing, Di catches up with Josh and reminds him of her impending visit to his house after her line dancing session...he's not exactly enthusiastic, but he agrees, suggesting that maybe they should 'go out and get pissed'...but Di has other ideas and suggests that she bring a bottle of wine around instead...Josh, obviously preoccupied, agrees and she toddles off a happy little camper. Josh then spots Crystal walking across the wing and tries to talk to her, she's having none of it though which leads him to chastise her over the piss-test incident...he could deal with the fact that she was taking drugs, but not the fact that she was lying to him...she continues to maintain her innocence before storming off, only to execute a Zandra style fainting fit, complete with realistic eye roll back into the sockets before falling to the ground like a 5lb bag of spuds. Josh of course is first on the scene while Charlotte looks on worriedly in the background.

Charlotte's straight up to see Karen and insists on a re-test, which according to the rules, she is allowed to have...Karen takes this as a sign that Charlotte knows that she should have tested positive, but Charlotte side-steps Karen's allegations quite niftily and informs her that if she wants to stop Crystal from starving herself to death then she should allow the test to go ahead...Karen tells Charlotte that she will have to pay for the test herself, but Posh is prepared and hands Karen a contact number for a private clinic...well, let's just hope that Di Barking doesn't get wind of it!!

Crystal's been examined by a nurse and is now resting in the bunk of doom, which doesn't exactly bode well for the future...Josh is anxious to know the score and is told by the nurse that Crystal is very weak, but is refusing to go on a drip...Josh tries to talk Crystal round, but she's still maintaining her innocence and won't give in...he reiterates the fact that the problem is the fact that she lied to him...

Crystal : Is this what it's going to be like every time? I have to prove myself to you before you can believe me? Well I don't think it's worth having.
Josh : Crys...look.
Crystal : Just go.


Respect to Crystal there for sticking to her guns...but huge boos to Josh, for not believing her and to the evil that is Di Barking for setting the whole thing up in the first place.

Up on the G2 landing, Helen is now Queen of all she surveys and is looking out over the wing...LMAO!! You can almost picture her thinking - 'Hmmm, I think we'll have some new curtains over there, and a new lamp there...and maybe I'll replace that awful pool table with a tropical fish tank'...anyway, our heroine's thoughts are interrupted by Dick Dastardly, who has obviously realised that he's on very shaky ground now that the woman he sexually assaulted is now in charge, you just know he's gonna try to slime his way out of this one and he doesn't disappoint...

Fenner : (Flashes a smile which rates up with a major oil-spill for greasiness and maintains it when Helen looks away quickly) Surveying your new empire eh? Congratulations by the way...look, about that little incident...you know I was under a lot of strain after the stabbing...anyway, I just wanted to apologise again...(Realises that he's not going to get a response out of Helen who is still looking the other way) I see...it's the cold shoulder is it? I suppose the next thing is that I'm going to be given all of the dirty little jobs around here. (Sees Helen straighten up and realises that this was what she hand in mind) Yeah...well there is such a thing as harassment in the workplace.
Helen : (Turns to Fenner) Oh, I know.


Helen storms off then leaving Fenner with that 'cacking a load in his pants' look that we've all come to know and love. So...Dick Dastardly decides to run off to Muttley (Karen) to try to get in with a 'Helen Stewart's got it in for me' type whinge, but she's just received a call from Charlotte's clinic and has bigger fish to fry...basically, the results say that a spot of blood was found in Charlotte's sample, and conveniently, the blood is of a very rare type that is only found in 1% of the population...it's not Charlotte's blood group, but it is Crystal's...this proves conclusive, meaning that Crystal and Charlotte were right...there was a mix up. Karen goes straight off to eat a huge slice of humble pie in front of Crystal and apologises, informing her that there was a mix up.

Meanwhile, an oblivious Di Barking is tarting herself up in the officers' room when Gina comes across her...

Gina : Hot date have we?
Di : I'm going round to Josh's later...I did suggest going to the pub but he was all for staying in with a bottle of wine.
Gina : Oh yeah? You know what he's after then.
Di : If he plays his cards right, he might just get it. (Breezes past an incredulous Gina) Catch you later!


Back in the dorm, the Julies, Charlotte and Yvonne look on as Crystal tucks into her first meal in however many days...

Crystal : Sorry Julies, I'm full-up.
Julie S : Well it'll take a few more of them before you stop looking like a scarecrow...wannit Jue?
Julie J : Yeah...little and often is what you need.
Crystal : (Looks over at Charlotte) Thanks...I owe you one...you didn't have to do that.


Charlotte smiles in reply, and Yvonne turns a very approving, extremely maternal smile in her direction.

Out on the wing, it's lock-up time and Gina takes the opportunity to take the piss out of Josh and his impending date with the bunny boiler...

Gina : You got your sexy undies on?
Josh : You what?
Gina : This hot date you got with Di.
Josh : Date? You're joking!
Gina : I think the joke might be on you lover...keep your panic button handy, that's all I can say!


Josh, now with an extremely worried look on his face, heads off to the dorm where he congratulates Crystal who is extremely dismissive and quite rightly too...Josh should have believed her in the first place...the Julies and Yvonne are obviously of a similar mind...but, Yvonne proves that she's the brains behind the Scooby gang yet again...

Yvonne : Yeah, well sorry ain't good enough...because we all wonder if Crystal got fixed up, don't we?
Josh : No, that couldn't happen.
Yvonne : Really? Well tell me Mr Prison Officer...Sir...how is it that one woman's test, all signed and labelled and everything, ends up in someone else's test pot? Tell him Charlotte.
Josh : Tell me what? What you got to say?
Charlotte : I knew I'd test positive and I didn't particularly care...I even told Miss Barker that before I had the damn test!
Yvonne : I tell you Mr Mitchell...something stinks around here and it ain't just them piss-pots!


You can almost here the cogs grinding in Josh's head as he orders the other inmates to bed before asking Crystal if anyone else knows about their relationship...

Crystal : Just Miss Barker. (Sees Josh react as if he's just been hit in the stomach by a wrecking ball) Well she's my personal officer innit? Don't worry, she ain't gonna say nothing...you lot all stick together don't ya?

Crystal storms out of the cell then, leaving Josh looking like someone's just given his lunchbox (and I ain't talking about his sandwiches) a good hard squeeze.

Meanwhile, back at the house of mad...Di is preparing for her 'date' with Josh...she's dressed in a figure hugging black dress with some sort of strange PVC dealie going on around the chest area...with one final look at her reflection, she grabs a bottle of wine and sets off...

End of Part One...

Part Two...

Di Barking arrives at Josh's house, he allows her in and comments on the fact that she's not exactly dressed for line-dancing...

Josh : Innit all jeans and chequered shirts and all that?
Di : Well usually it is, but sometimes I like to glam up a bit.
Josh : (Looks over at Di's dress sceptically) A bit?
Di : Do you like it?
Josh : (Shrugs) What's what I think? (Turns away to retrieve some wine glasses)
Di : Well maybe I put it on especially...for someone who's not standing a million miles away.
Josh : Look...I'm not even...(Holds thumb and forefinger an inch apart)...that much interested in you.
Di : (Crestfallen) Sorry?
Josh : I've already got a girlfriend.
Di : (Even more crestfallen) Who?
Josh : Crystal Gordon...in fact, we're planning on getting married.
Di : (Sits down on nearby armchair) Well, I've got to say...you've let yourself become involved with one of the prisoners. You're just at the start of your career; I don't think that's very sensible...is it?
Josh : She'll be out of prison soon.
Di : Not the way she's going she won't! (Josh turns away, obviously pissed off) Look...I know she seems like she's a lovely girl, but she's a drug addict! They lie, they'll cheat, they'll do anything they can to get a fix! She's probably just trying to soften you up to get you to bring stuff in for you!
Josh : Except that she don't do drugs.
Di : It doesn't matter what she says, the test proves it...you've just got to accept that.
Josh : That's what I thought, only they done a re-test...the results came through just before I left...turns out that Crystal's in the clear, her test got mixed up with Charlotte
Myddleton's!


And Di is left staring up at Josh in total disbelief...oh shit!! Let's just hope she hasn't got a machete concealed underneath that dress!!!

Back at the prison, Fenner's finally managed to catch up with Karen and starts in on the 'Helen's got it in for me' routine again...Karen tells him that he's got nothing to worry about because Helen works by the rules, but Fenner's not convinced and tells Karen that he wouldn't put it past her to 'trump up' another sexual assault charge against him, Karen disagrees...

Karen : Helen Stewart is as straight as a die...(Oh the irony!)...if there was the slightest chance that she'd do anything like that, do you think I'd let her get away with it?

Oh please!!! Someone shoot the woman now and put her out of her misery!! Only don't shoot her in the head, it'll hit fresh air and fly out the other end without doing any harm!

Anyway, Mr Oily is all reassured now that he knows his pet governor will fight in his corner if the going should get tough...and before they leave the prison for the night, the two decide that maybe they should take that holiday together after all...good!!! Hopefully that means we'll be spared the sight of his ugly mug for a couple of weeks!

Back at Josh's...

Josh : Charlotte told you she was gonna test positive...is that when you got your little idea yeah?
Di : I don't know what you're talking about.
Josh : You're a liar! You already knew about me and Crystal 'cause Crystal told you!
Di : I thought she was making it up!
Josh : You wanted to split us up! You wanted her out of the way because you had some crazy idea about you and me!
Di : That's ridiculous!
Josh : Is it? (Steps forward and twangs one of the straps of Di's dress) What's all this then?
Di : (Stands up, outraged and tries to storm out) I do not have to stay here to be accused!
Josh : (Following her) Look...Crystal coulda died because of you and you woulda just stood there and watch it happen!
Di : NO! I never meant for things to go that far! (Tears beginning to appear in her eyes) I never wanted to hurt her...I wanted to say something to help her but I was scared! I know it was an awful thing to do...I'm sorry Josh! I'll make it up to Crystal, I promise! I'll go and see the governor and tell her that I made a mistake.
Josh : A mistake?
Di : Well if I tell them the truth I'll lose my job.
Josh : GOOD!
Di : I need the money...my mother's ill...I'm all she's got, if I lose my job she'll get taken into care...look, I'll make things right...I promise I will.


We don't know whether she's managed to talk Josh round or not, but she's in a foul mood when she gets home, and when her mother starts calling out to her as soon as she steps through the door...we get a Di Barking moment, her head well and truly goes pop and she stands there wittering to herself...

Di : Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

etc etc etc...

And then, in a truly terrifying scene, she runs through to her mother's room, leaps onto the bed as if to strangle her, before pushing the petrified woman out of bed and leaping on her...laying into her with her fists as she shouts at her to shut up.

The next morning, Di's still in one hell of a mood and is still taking it out on the poor woman who is sitting there shaking with terror in her wheelchair, her face covered in bruises. Di makes it clear that she holds her mother responsible for everything...

Di : Look at you, sitting there feeling sorry for yourself...it's me you should be feeling sorry for...running up and down the stairs at your beck and call...cleaning up shit and piss night and day and you still stink the air! No wonder Josh won't have anything to do with me. (Grabs her mother's breakfast tray and walks away with it)
Mrs Barker : Don't leave me Di...help me back into bed.
Di : (Pauses at the door) Help yourself!


And the poor woman is left crying in her chair...yet another reason for Di to burn in the pits of hell while little demons poke her in the backside with their forks!

But, have to say again, absolutely cracking acting from Tracey Wilkinson yet again, she really is overtaking Debra Stephenson as actress of the series now...the way she can switch from nice Di to nasty Di at a seconds notice really does make her believable...and she didn't have to do a tap dance!!

Back at the prison, Josh begs for Crystal's forgiveness but she continues to stick to her guns, which means that Josh has to reveal that they had both been set up by Di.

Talking about the queen of all that is barking and madness, she's in with Helen, giving her version of events...

Di : I don't know how the samples got mixed up, but if I'm being accused of doing it deliberately then I want a representative from my union here.
Helen : Di, I'm not accusing you.
Di : Well that's what it sounds like to me.
Helen : Anyone can make a mistake...I just need to know how a simple, step-by-step procedure can go so wrong.
Di : What's step-by-step when you're trying to make girls go to the toilet for you? I do it because it's my job...but I don't watch them every second, I'm sorry. (Gets a faraway look in her eye signalling a Barking moment) I get enough of that at home...(sees Helen's puzzled look)...my mother...I mean, she's the reason I'm half worn out by the time I even get to work...backwards and forwards with the potty, that's me...my whole life's a stinking piss-test!
Helen : (Seems disturbed but clearly has no idea what's going on) You know I'm going to have to make a note of this on your record...so take this as an official warning to be more careful in the future.
Di : Yes Ma'am...I'm very sorry.


Back on the wing, Crystal's determined that she's going to report Di for setting her up but Josh convinces her that if she does that, everyone will find out about them. He then asks for her forgiveness again and she gives it, although this time she does warn him that if he messes up again, they really are through. He reaches for her hand and tells her that he's missing her and tells her that once she's released, he wants them to get married straight away. By the way, while all this is going on, spot the Julies trying to mop inconspicuously in the background while they try to figure out what's going on...and as soon as Josh leaves, both they, and Yvonne are in there quicker than Speedy Gonzales on whizz to find out what's going on...

Yvonne : You been keeping secrets from us Crystal?

Back from her dressing-down from Helen, Di tries to get Josh to talk...

Josh : No...you don't talk to me...in fact, you don't even look at me!

Josh walks off then leaving Di well and truly bereft.

Meanwhile, the Julies and Yvonne are questioning Crystal with the efficiency of Gestapo officers until Crystal finally admits that her and Josh are going to get married...the Julies, predictably, go all gooey and ask if they can get invites to the wedding if they get out in time...Crystal tells them that there's plenty of time, if she gets found guilty it'll be years before there's a wedding...more deja-vu coming up, the Julies suggest that Josh and Crystal get married inside, until Yvonne points out the obviously flaw - Josh is a PO...that's doesn't faze the mistresses of the cunning plan and they suggest that they might be able to persuade the chaplain to do the service on the quiet...again, Yvonne is dismissive...

Yvonne : You're joking? He's just another screw with his collar on back to front!

And yet still, the Julies aren't beaten...they reckon that they might be able to get Babs to persuade him to do it...

Julie J : Coz she's well in up the altar.

And Babs' reply...

Barbara : Absolutely not!

And we can understand why, because it seems that the Julies have come up with a slight amendment to their cunning plan...

Julie S : Why not? You're religious ain't ya?
Barbara : Yes, but I'm not a vicar and I'm not pretending to marry Crystal...end of
story!
Julie J : Well can't you say you're one of them...whatsit...lay preachers or summink?
Barbara : I am not going to lie to her!
Julie J : That's alright, we'll do the lying...you just nod.
Barbara : It's not legal!
Julie S : It's not bothered you before, you're a bleedin' bigamist!


Julie S realises she's planted her foot right in her mouth when Barbara storms out of the room...duh!!!

Up in Helen's office, she's eating her lunch in the company of...

WARNING!!!!
DR YES YES ALERT!!!

Before I get stuck in with the dialogue, I just have to set a few points straight...

1. Is Helen blind...this guy oozes more slime than Fenner at his oily best.
2. He's got that arrogant Sean type air about him that makes you want to slap him repeatedly with a copy of the Yellow Pages.
3. He's wearing a black shirt, unbuttoned in such a way that it makes him look like a reject from 'Saturday Night Fever'.
4. HE EATS WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN!!!
5. HE TALKS WITH HIS MOUTH FULL!!!

I'm sorry, but 4 and 5 alone would be enough for me...but she's smiling at him like he's the answer to all of her wet dreams and it's just so sickening that I'm thinking of downing tools in protest!!!

Oh please...

a) I'm not even a Helen fan.
b) The H/N relationship has really pissed me off this series and I couldn't give two tosses if they get back together or not.

But they honestly can't do this to us!!! Can we really believe that Helen would be stupid enough to consider an arrogant, slimy git like this with no dress sense...actually, scratch that one, we've seen for ourselves that Nikki doesn't exactly come out on top in this particular area...and the manners that God gave a warthog???? Okay, so we know that she's probably deep in the depths of a severe case of sexual frustration...but...oh shit!! I'm sorry, I've just lost the will to protest any further.

Anyway, on with the vomit fest...

Dr Yes Yes : Well, as long as I have the support of the new number one...(Pause to smile suggestively like a plumber in a dodgy porn film who's just turned up to jiggle with Helen's ball-cock)...there's no reason why things can't improve overnight.
Helen : Music to my ears.
Dr Yes Yes : Mmmm...(Huge bite from sandwich and then goes on to talk with his mouth full)...now the first thing I want is their NHS records...I mean, how can we provide treatment for these women if we don't know their medical history?
Helen : Exactly.
Dr Yes Yes : Mmmm, and from what I've seen so far...well, it's no surprise to you I'm sure...but a lot of my 'so called' muppets may be psychologically damaged but they're not mentally ill and they shouldn't be on double doses of bloody anti-psychotic drugs! (Helen's obviously realised that the guy has the manners of a rutting pig and looks up from her own lunch...but he's too interested in the sound of his own voice and carries on regardless) There's just obviously been a policy of dope them up and lock the door.
Helen : Do you mind me asking...what is that you're eating?
Dr Yes Yes : Peanut butter and raspberry jam.


WHOA!! Another big strike against him there...everyone knows that the best jam to combine with peanut butter is strawberry!!

Anyway, Helen pulls a face at this that makes her look like she's just swallowed a mouth-organ.

Dr Yes Yes : Oh...now come on...you can't have tried it, otherwise you wouldn't have pulled that face.
Helen : I have actually...when I was a kid.
Dr Yes Yes : (Leans forward) Ah well you see...I'm sticking with the kids...gimme crisps, chocolate and ice-cream anytime.


Oh heavens above...he's in touch with his inner child too and it seems to have impressed Helen mightily...well, I suppose you can see the reasoning behind that...she's used to someone who's in touch with her inner hormonal adolescent...who needs temper tantrums when you can have a cheeky chappy clutching a Yorkie bar???

Luckily, the vomit fest is interrupted by Claire...Nikki's solicitor remember??

Helen : Claire...I didn't expect you 'til later.
Claire : (Significant nod in Helen's direction) I've got some news for Nikki Wade.


Now that's tempted Helen's thoughts away from Dennis the Menace...but shit...could it be a final nail in the coffin??? Bad news???

End of Part Two...

I'm off work tomorrow....yeeee haaaa!!! Sorry, just had to tell you all again!! Hehehe!!

Part Three...

Over lunch, Crystal and Babs talk about the Julies' crackpot idea...but Crystal seems to be seriously considering it...as long as it's done in the eyes of the Lord, she doesn't care if it's legal or not, she then asks Babs if she felt married to Peter, even though they weren't legally married, and this of course makes Babs think...looks like the idea might be a good one after all.

While this is happened, Gina arrives to tell Nikki that she's been summoned by Helen, she's surprised but follows Gina off the wing.

Now that Babs is on side, the only thing remaining for Crystal to do is to persuade Josh...he's uncertain at first because of the risk of being caught, but realises that after the piss-test incident, he has something to prove to her and eventually agrees...now, how the hell are the Julies going to swing a secret wedding??? I suppose it won't be that long before we find out!!

Up in Helen's office...Nikki storms in like Kevin the Teenager expecting a bollocking for staying out all night and doesn't even acknowledge Claire as she stares at Helen...

Helen : Take a seat.
Nikki : (Sits down and folds her arms in the huffy, puffy, blow your house down manner we all know and love) Go on then...just tell me.
Claire : (Picks up letter) This came this morning from the Home Office...(Places letter on the desk in front of Nikki)...saying that they're going to submit your case to the court of appeal...(Pause for look of disbelief from Nikki as she stares down at the letter before looking up at Helen who smiles meaningfully)...which means that they think that you've got a very good case.


Claire and Helen share a smile as Nikki leans forward to pick up the letter, she opens it, reads it and bursts into tears......good news for our dynamic duo at last...let's hope that they get a happy ending before Dr Yes Yes gets his peanut butter and jam smeared fingers all over Helen!!!

Down on the wing, the Scooby gang are assembled and going through their plans for the wedding...the Julies have made a wedding card and have sneaked some flowers out of the garden for the bouquet...Babs informs the others that she's managed to grab half an hour alone in the chapel to practice some hymns for Sunday service...and it all looks like it's going ahead...but, unfortunately, like the spectre at the feast, Di Barker is hovering on the G2 landing looking extremely suspicious...oh shit!! Let's just hope she hasn't twigged!!!

Back up in the office, Helen shows Claire out before giving in to excitement...

Helen : (Whirls around excitedly) God! Isn't that just the most brilliant news?
Nikki : (Subdued) It's fantastic...(Backs away to return to her chair)...but I still got to win it though.
Helen : Yeah, but you heard what Claire said...(Sits down in chair next to Nikki)...oh Nikki, you're almost there.
Nikki : (Still incredibly subdued) Yeah.
Helen : Um no, I'm sorry...no wee iffy yeah...a bloody big YES!


Anyway, in a fit of excitement, Helen grabs Nikki's hands and waves them around in the air a bit...and for a second, it looks like they might have a celebratory snog, but...

BUGGER!!

Who should choose that precise moment to interrupt??? Yep, you gottit, Dr Yes Yes...yet another reason to hate the guy's guts!!!

Helen introduces Nikki to Dr Yes Yes and tells him that Nikki's just heard that she's been granted an appeal...he congratulates her and then turns to Helen...

Dr Yes Yes : We'll meet for a drink later yeah?
Nikki : (Calls out as he closes the door) Have one on me yeah?


Well well, Nikki reveals yet another personality change...last series she went ballistic when Helen went for a curry with dishwater Dom, but she doesn't even bat an eyelid here...has she learnt from her mistakes??? Let's hope so.

With all of the inmates away on association, Di takes the opportunity to search the dorm and eventually finds the wedding card that the Julies have made...she puts two and two together, and, with a very determined look on her face, heads off to the kitchen where our wedding planners are putting the finishing touches to the bouquet...they are so intent on their task and checking if they have enough 'bog roll' that they don't hear the barking one's approach and get the shock of their lives when they turn around to see her standing there...

Di : Some occasion is it?

The Julies don't reply and can be seen stuffing bouquets and toilet roll down the backs of their skirts as they stare back at Di, looking as guilty as a pair of kids with their hands caught in the biscuit barrel...

Di : You cleared the supper things away very quickly today.
Julie S : People was 'ungry...
Julie J : They ate up quick.
Di : Did Crystal have any food? (Pause while they Julies desperately think of an answer...you can smell the burning from here!!) Only I've been looking around for her and I can't find her...you don't know where she is?
Both Julies : No miss!
Di : Shall I look in the laundry?
Both Julies : I dunno.
Di : The gym?
Julie S : The gym Miss...yeah...(Looks over at Julie J)...that's right, innit Jue? D'int she say something about wanting to go to the gym?
Julie J : Oh yeah...that's right, she said she was feeling flabby.
Julie S : (Nodding in desperation) Flabby.


LMAO!!! Nice one Julie...that'll put her off the scent alright...people who've been on hunger strike for over a week often complain about a sudden weight gain!!

Di : (Horribly evilly) Or maybe I should start by looking in the chapel!

For two people who normally don't have a clue, the Julies move incredibly quickly and pounce on Di like a pair of all-in wrestlers...Di is knocked to the ground and while Julie S sits on her back and ties her hands, Julie J gags her with her rather fetching pink cardie before she is locked into the store cupboard...let's hear it for ingenuity eh???

In the chapel...Babs keeps a nervous eye out for the Julies while Yvonne puts the finishing touches to Crystal's hair...note, she's wearing one of her shirts from hell here...Crystal's having a few last-minute jitters, but Yvonne's on hand with some reassurance.

LMAO!! Shot of Di here...tied up and gagged and struggling furiously in the store cupboard...she's trying to make a noise, but the Julies have left the radio playing before hurrying along to the chapel to join the others.

Classic comedy moment here...Dawn arrives in the kitchen and starts to mop in time to the song playing on the radio ('Jaded' by Aerosmith)...Di starts to struggle again, but it's all for nought because Dawn's switched the radio up and is mopping on completely oblivious.

Back in the chapel, the Julies finally arrive and everyone can take their positions...Babs sits down at the organ to play the wedding march and it turns out that Yvonne's going to be giving Crystal away...it all starts off well enough, but Babs gets the jitters when Yvonne and Crystal are halfway down the aisle and speeds it up dramatically...cue Yvonne getting all flustered as she and Crystal are forced to speed up to keep time...I'm sorry, I can't get over quite how funny this sight is, but as always, it's all down to Yvonne's facial expressions and delivery as she and Crystal crash into Josh and the Julies...

Yvonne : Bloody hell Babs!

Back in the kitchen, Di finally makes enough noise to attract Dawn's attention and she opens the store cupboard door to investigate and is given another line...

Dawn : (Shocked) Miss Barker!

And she reached forward to remove the gag and it's another Scooby Gang moment, you half expect Di to say...

Di : I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for those pesky Julies!

But she doesn't...she just orders Dawn to untie her before setting off for the chapel...

Ooh eck!!!

The service is underway, but Di is now a woman on a mission and she storms down those corridors like the Terminator...all she's lacking is a glowing red eye and an Uzi 9mm...

It's sitting on the edge of your seat time again as the service progresses...

Will they finish in time?

Will Di reach them first and go crazy with a machete and hack them all to bits?

Will I fall asleep before I finish this bloody synopsis??

But finally, the service is over and as Crystal and Josh kiss, the Julies burst into tears just like we always knew that they would do...

But Di's still on the rampage...will the Scooby gang get out of the chapel in time and...

Shit...she's reached the door...she's opening it and...

Phew...the chapel is empty but for Crystal's bouquet which is lying on the floor.

End of Part Three...

After all of that drama I need a fag!! Back in a mo.

Part Four...

Crystal and Josh are all cuddled up in the linen cupboard and from their lack of clothing, it's obvious that the marriage has been consummated...it's a touching scene, especially when Crystal says that she wishes that they can spend the whole night together…let's just hope that her trial is successful and she gets her wish...but, at least they'll have a cracking story to tell the grandchildren!!!

In the chapel, there's scary Barking music for a scary Barking moment as she sits there turning the bouquet over in her hands, obviously already plotting her revenge...and BANG!! Her head goes pop and she throws the bouquet to the ground in a fit of pique before storming out of the room and slamming the door behind her in a supremely dramatic way that would have Nikki holding up a scorecard with a perfect '10' on it.

Meanwhile, Josh and Crystal are on their way back to the wing when Crystal spots something out of the window...a firework display...

Crystal : Yvonne said she had a surprise for us.

On the wing, all of the inmates, followed by an extremely pissed off Gina, storm G3 to get a good view of the firework display...Yvonne's already there and watching with a self satisfied smile on her face which prompts Nikki to comment...

Nikki : What's going on?
Yvonne : It's a celebration.
Nikki : For what?
Yvonne : Anything you like.


Talk about good timing there!!

Anyway, inmates and screws alike gather to watch the display, and again, I am forced to ask myself why people go 'ooooh' and 'ahhhh' at firework displays...

But I digress...

Get ready for the obligatory shot of the meat wagon arriving, but this time we know that it's to herald the arrival of the much talked about Peckham Boot Gang...and they're making a right old racket...so much in fact that they attract the attention of Yvonne, Nikki, Shaz and Buki who head to the nearest cell window to investigate...but not before Nikki gets the honorary Zandra line...

Nikki : What the twatting hell's that???

Well...that's exactly what I'm wondering...I was expecting three evil looking motherf***ers, and instead??? Well, we get a Podger lookalike, another girl and someone who can only be described as a dead-ringer for Jimmy Krankie, even down to the annoying Scottish accent...and these three are gonna turn the wing on its head are they?? Well, I wait to be convinced.

Again, Yvonne has the last word on that particular subject for this episode...

Yvonne : Not more bleedin' big-mouthed kids!

Josh is in the officers' room when a very scary, very emotional and terrifyingly on the edge looking Di Barker walks in...

Di : I know exactly what you've been up to.
Josh : Didn't I tell you not to talk to me?
Di : Yeah? And what's Miss Betts gonna say about your little secret service?
Josh : Well let's go and ask her, and while we're about it, you can tell her why you swapped those piss-tests.
Di : She won't believe you...it's your word against mine.
Josh : And Charlotte Middleton's, telling you that she knew she was gonna test positive...oh, and maybe I'll let Miss Betts know about all this harassment you're giving me!
Di : And where's the proof of that?
Josh : (Turns to Gina who has just walked into the room) Gina, has Di ever made out that me and her are having a thing?
Gina : You're kidding? Only ten times a bleedin' day! (Leaves the room)
Josh : (Turns back to Di) You know what lady? You need help...you're seriously sick!


Josh storms out and Di has a major wibbly-wobbly moment and collapses into a nearby chair, looking for all the world like she's going to throw-up or spontaneously combust on the spot...she is happened upon by a very concerned Dick Dastardly and Muttley...Fenner insists that he drive Di home...she tries to put him off by saying that she'll be okay but he won't take no for an answer...before shepherding Di out of the door, he tells Karen that he'll meet her at the airport the next morning.

At Di's house, Fenner pulls up and offers to see Di to the door, she refuses, saying that she'll be okay and he agrees...he watches her got into the house, and just as he is about to pull away, he realises that Di has left her cardigan behind...what is it with this man and women who wear cardigans??? Anyway, he walks up to the front door and can hear cries in the background...he immediately thinks that Di is being attacked and calls out her name...she arrives at the door a few moments later and makes some excuse about the sounds he heard coming from the TV...and just when it looks like she's going to get away with it, another cry is heard in the background and Fenner pushes past Di and into the house to investigate.

He opens the door to Mrs Barker's room and immediately puts his hand up to cover his mouth and nose, which obviously means that the poor woman's been left all day without access to a toilet...and then, we see Mrs Barker lying on the floor, bruised and battered, her wheelchair is lying on the floor behind her which means that she was obviously trying to get out of it and over-balanced...she pleads to Fenner for help and he turns to Di, absolutely horrified...

Di : (Crying) Please don't tell anybody...I'll lose my job.

Fenner looks to the old woman who is crying on the floor and then back to Di who is seriously cracking up...what's he going to do????
 

Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)

Top Dog of the Week
Respect to the Posh. She's growing on me actually. Is it just me, or does she remind you of Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady? Great cheekbones. Still could be Nikki's little sister though.

But it's got to be the Julies who get the prize, for putting Di's vengeance on hold and stuffing her in a cupboard.

Twatting Twat of the Week
Dawn! Don't be letting the psycho out of the cupboard!

Karen for going on holiday with Fenner. And not being pleased when Helen got the No. 1 job. Can you tell I'm bored with her poor judgement?

Dr Yes Yes...pick a reason!! But, my major gripe is that the pig hasn't even got enough manners to eat with his mouth closed...oh, and he interrupts what could've been a very touching N&N scene.

Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Di Barker, who finally lost her tenuous grip on reality. Expect she'll be on sick leave next week and her mum will go into a nursing home.

Di's mum, who suffered as much as her daughter.

Spin Doctor of the Week
Charlotte showed Betts just how stringent her procedures weren't.

Worst Girl of the Week
Di Barker's wild swings between rage and contrition were a scary sight. Another fine performance of woman on the edge from Tracey Wilkinson.

Best Line of the Week
Gina: Keep your panic button handy, that's all I can say.

Yvonne: Something stinks around here, and it ain't just them piss-pots.

Karen: Helen Stewart's straight as a die.
[Yep, Fenner was rofl too]

Di: My whole life's a stinking piss test.

Yvonne: He's just another screw with his collar on back to front.

Julie S [to Babs]: It's never bothered you before - you're a bleedin' bigamist!


Worst Line of the Week
Gina: Wish I had that much willpower; I could do with losing a few pounds.

Stubberfield: You're just a pretty face to brighten up the board table, Helen, until they pick their man.

Julie J : Oh yeah...that's right, she said she was feeling flabby.
[Duh! Julie J shows again that she was at the back of the queue when the brains were being given out!!]

Warring Faction of the Week
Di and Josh; Di and the Julies; Di and her mum. Anyone else?

Best Performance by an Extra
Dawn - Dawn! getting on down with her mop and bucket.

Sight of the Week
Josh flapping and slapping around poor comatose Crystal.

Babs playing The Wedding March at double time with Yvonne racing down the aisle to give Crystal away.

Dr Yes Yes talking with a gobful of peanut butter and jam sarnie - yuk.

Helen's 'just swallowed a mouth-organ' impression when Dr Yes Yes informs her of the contents of his sandwiches.

Nikki's Deidre Barlow impression when she bursts into tears...horrible!!

Helen getting all excited about Nikki's appeal...looked like she had an orgasm on the spot!!

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
They still can't find a clipboard big enough to obscure Gina's ever-increasing stomach.

How is it that the Julies, not generally known to be the sharpest tools in the box, cotton onto Josh & Crystal's relationship when the rest of Larkhall continues in blessed ignorance? Mind you, a cynic might say that they might as well have been shagging on the pool table.

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