Season 3, Episode 10: Chapel of Love
Recap by Filbertfox
So, questions for this week...
1. Will Di get even more barking or will someone figure out what she's
2. Will Josh forgive Crystal, and more importantly, will she prove her
3. Will Helen have untangled herself from her trousers for long enough
to appear tonight?
4. Will I get through tonight without the help of a can of 'Red Bull'??
Who cares...I'm off work tomorrow!! Yeeee haaaa!!!!
So, let's get on with the action...
We see Helen arriving for work in the mystery machine...er...sorry, I
meant her Peugeot 306...notice, very dodgy parking from the Scottish
totty here, is this symbolic?? Now she's flirting with the many
pleasures of Sappho, is she incapable of straight parking?? Also, the
'Rent a Tent' trousers have gone, but she now has two briefcases...aha!!
Is this a new plan to sneak Nikki out???
And it's straight into the precinct...sorry, the officers' room and
Karen updating the troops on the latest plot developments...basically, Crystaaaaal's on hunger strike, has been for 5 days apparently and will
continue until somebody believes that her piss is a pure as the driven
snow...Josh, as you would expect, is extremely worried about her and
asks Karen if she can be made to eat...Karen's reply is heartless to say
Karen : She's got as much right to starve herself to death in here as
she has on the outside.
Karen instructs the POs to keep a close eye on her and makes a point of
asking a very dodgy looking Di to keep an extra special eye on
her...duh!!! The meeting is then called to an end and Karen receives a
phone call telling her that a new number one has been appointed
temporarily...she turns to Jim and relays the news that the new boss
is...wait for it, wait for it...Helen...der der DER!!! The look on
Fenner's face is an absolute picture, talk about being slapped by a wet
Scene then switches to a close-up of Helen pinning her new name badge to
her jumper - Helen Stewart, Governor Grade 1...the Fat Controller
arrives at this point and makes it clear that he doesn't like the idea
of Helen stepping into his shoes...
Stubberfield : You're just a pretty face to brighten up the board
table Helen...until they pick their man.
Oh dear...did we catch the whiff of sour grapes there Stubbsy??? But,
his pathetic attempt at intimidation doesn't get to Helen...she watches
him leave with a rather triumphant smile on her face.
On the wing, its breakfast time and Di Barking takes a trip down to the
4 bed dorm to hurry the inmates along...Crystal's lying like a limp
snot-rag on her bunk and is obviously the cause of a great deal of worry
to Charlotte who gives her a rather meaningful look before leaving the
cell, leaving Crystal in the clutches of the woman who could give
Screaming Lord Sutch lessons in how to be a complete monster raving
loony...Di, who looks more than a little guilty tries to persuade
Crystal to eat but receives rather short shrift, so, she decides to put
the boot in...
Di : You'll be dead and buried before anyone takes any
May you burn in the fiery pits of hell you evil fiend you!!!
Crystal continues to protest her innocence in the strongest possible
terms, and although it appears that Di's on the verge of cracking from
the guilt, she still maintains that the test was foolproof...this isn't
what Crystal wants to hear and she turns over to face the wall,
effectively ending the conversation...and when Di leaves the cell,
Crystal burst into tears.
Up in the library, the lifer's meeting is called to a close and...hold
on a sec...Nikki's got a new jumper!!!! It's grey, with black arms and
is about as flattering as a potato sack...but, it doesn't seem to faze
Helen who calls her back when the other inmates leave...
Helen : Nikki.
Nikki : (Turns around and walks back into the room) Yes Miss?
Helen : Well, it's yes Ma'am actually...if you don't mind.
Nikki : Huh?
Helen : They've only gone and made me acting number one...haven't they?
Nikki : (Not impressed) What? You're kidding!
Helen : (Spiffingly pleased) Well someone in area must like my politics.
Nikki has a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp) Are you not pleased?
Nikki : I dunno.
Helen : Look, I've said that I'm still gonna run the Lifers' Unit.
Nikki : (Still not convinced) Right.
Helen : Oh Nikki...don't you see what it means?
Nikki : Yeah...sure...means you're top of the shit-heap...fantastic!
I'll even have time for a group chat, when you can fit it in.
Helen : (Amused) God, I can always rely on you for a hard time can't I?
(Pronounced cain't ah? Coz she's Scottish, innit?) Look, if anything, it
means that I've got more chance of getting you out of here...and it sure
as hell means count your days Jim Fenner!
Nikki smiles...but it's about as genuine as a 'Cartier' watch bought in
a Singapore side street...by the way, the hair situation is still
extremely dire...Billy the Fish is back in business!!
Back on the wing, Di catches up with Josh and reminds him of her
impending visit to his house after her line dancing session...he's not
exactly enthusiastic, but he agrees, suggesting that maybe they should
'go out and get pissed'...but Di has other ideas and suggests that she
bring a bottle of wine around instead...Josh, obviously preoccupied,
agrees and she toddles off a happy little camper. Josh then spots
Crystal walking across the wing and tries to talk to her, she's having
none of it though which leads him to chastise her over the piss-test
incident...he could deal with the fact that she was taking drugs, but
not the fact that she was lying to him...she continues to maintain her
innocence before storming off, only to execute a Zandra style fainting
fit, complete with realistic eye roll back into the sockets before
falling to the ground like a 5lb bag of spuds. Josh of course is first
on the scene while Charlotte looks on worriedly in the background.
Charlotte's straight up to see Karen and insists on a re-test, which
according to the rules, she is allowed to have...Karen takes this as a
sign that Charlotte knows that she should have tested positive, but
Charlotte side-steps Karen's allegations quite niftily and informs her
that if she wants to stop Crystal from starving herself to death then
she should allow the test to go ahead...Karen tells Charlotte that she
will have to pay for the test herself, but Posh is prepared and hands
Karen a contact number for a private clinic...well, let's just hope that
Di Barking doesn't get wind of it!!
Crystal's been examined by a nurse and is now resting in the bunk of
doom, which doesn't exactly bode well for the future...Josh is anxious
to know the score and is told by the nurse that Crystal is very weak,
but is refusing to go on a drip...Josh tries to talk Crystal round, but
she's still maintaining her innocence and won't give in...he reiterates
the fact that the problem is the fact that she lied to him...
Crystal : Is this what it's going to be like every time? I have to
prove myself to you before you can believe me? Well I don't think it's
Josh : Crys...look.
Crystal : Just go.
Respect to Crystal there for sticking to her guns...but huge boos to
Josh, for not believing her and to the evil that is Di Barking for
setting the whole thing up in the first place.
Up on the G2 landing, Helen is now Queen of all she surveys and is
looking out over the wing...LMAO!! You can almost picture her thinking -
'Hmmm, I think we'll have some new curtains over there, and a new lamp
there...and maybe I'll replace that awful pool table with a tropical
fish tank'...anyway, our heroine's thoughts are interrupted by Dick
Dastardly, who has obviously realised that he's on very shaky ground now
that the woman he sexually assaulted is now in charge, you just know
he's gonna try to slime his way out of this one and he doesn't
Fenner : (Flashes a smile which rates up with a major oil-spill for
greasiness and maintains it when Helen looks away quickly) Surveying
your new empire eh? Congratulations by the way...look, about that little
incident...you know I was under a lot of strain after the
stabbing...anyway, I just wanted to apologise again...(Realises that
he's not going to get a response out of Helen who is still looking the
other way) I see...it's the cold shoulder is it? I suppose the next
thing is that I'm going to be given all of the dirty little jobs around
here. (Sees Helen straighten up and realises that this was what she hand
in mind) Yeah...well there is such a thing as harassment in the
Helen : (Turns to Fenner) Oh, I know.
Helen storms off then leaving Fenner with that 'cacking a load in his
pants' look that we've all come to know and love. So...Dick Dastardly
decides to run off to Muttley (Karen) to try to get in with a 'Helen
Stewart's got it in for me' type whinge, but she's just received a call
from Charlotte's clinic and has bigger fish to fry...basically, the
results say that a spot of blood was found in Charlotte's sample, and
conveniently, the blood is of a very rare type that is only found in 1%
of the population...it's not Charlotte's blood group, but it is
Crystal's...this proves conclusive, meaning that Crystal and Charlotte
were right...there was a mix up. Karen goes straight off to eat a huge
slice of humble pie in front of Crystal and apologises, informing her
that there was a mix up.
Meanwhile, an oblivious Di Barking is tarting herself up in the
officers' room when Gina comes across her...
Gina : Hot date have we?
Di : I'm going round to Josh's later...I did suggest going to the pub
but he was all for staying in with a bottle of wine.
Gina : Oh yeah? You know what he's after then.
Di : If he plays his cards right, he might just get it. (Breezes past an
incredulous Gina) Catch you later!
Back in the dorm, the Julies, Charlotte and Yvonne look on as Crystal
tucks into her first meal in however many days...
Crystal : Sorry Julies, I'm full-up.
Julie S : Well it'll take a few more of them before you stop looking
like a scarecrow...wannit Jue?
Julie J : Yeah...little and often is what you need.
Crystal : (Looks over at Charlotte) Thanks...I owe you one...you didn't
have to do that.
Charlotte smiles in reply, and Yvonne turns a very approving, extremely
maternal smile in her direction.
Out on the wing, it's lock-up time and Gina takes the opportunity to
take the piss out of Josh and his impending date with the bunny
Gina : You got your sexy undies on?
Josh : You what?
Gina : This hot date you got with Di.
Josh : Date? You're joking!
Gina : I think the joke might be on you lover...keep your panic button
handy, that's all I can say!
Josh, now with an extremely worried look on his face, heads off to the
dorm where he congratulates Crystal who is extremely dismissive and
quite rightly too...Josh should have believed her in the first
place...the Julies and Yvonne are obviously of a similar mind...but,
Yvonne proves that she's the brains behind the Scooby gang yet again...
Yvonne : Yeah, well sorry ain't good enough...because we all wonder
if Crystal got fixed up, don't we?
Josh : No, that couldn't happen.
Yvonne : Really? Well tell me Mr Prison Officer...Sir...how is it that
one woman's test, all signed and labelled and everything, ends up in
someone else's test pot? Tell him Charlotte.
Josh : Tell me what? What you got to say?
Charlotte : I knew I'd test positive and I didn't particularly care...I
even told Miss Barker that before I had the damn test!
Yvonne : I tell you Mr Mitchell...something stinks around here and it
ain't just them piss-pots!
You can almost here the cogs grinding in Josh's head as he orders the
other inmates to bed before asking Crystal if anyone else knows about
Crystal : Just Miss Barker. (Sees Josh react as if he's just been hit
in the stomach by a wrecking ball) Well she's my personal officer innit?
Don't worry, she ain't gonna say nothing...you lot all stick together
Crystal storms out of the cell then, leaving Josh looking like someone's
just given his lunchbox (and I ain't talking about his sandwiches) a
good hard squeeze.
Meanwhile, back at the house of mad...Di is preparing for her 'date'
with Josh...she's dressed in a figure hugging black dress with some sort
of strange PVC dealie going on around the chest area...with one final
look at her reflection, she grabs a bottle of wine and sets off...
End of Part One...
Di Barking arrives at Josh's house, he allows her in and comments on the
fact that she's not exactly dressed for line-dancing...
Josh : Innit all jeans and chequered shirts and all that?
Di : Well usually it is, but sometimes I like to glam up a bit.
Josh : (Looks over at Di's dress sceptically) A bit?
Di : Do you like it?
Josh : (Shrugs) What's what I think? (Turns away to retrieve some wine
Di : Well maybe I put it on especially...for someone who's not standing
a million miles away.
Josh : Look...I'm not even...(Holds thumb and forefinger an inch
apart)...that much interested in you.
Di : (Crestfallen) Sorry?
Josh : I've already got a girlfriend.
Di : (Even more crestfallen) Who?
Josh : Crystal Gordon...in fact, we're planning on getting married.
Di : (Sits down on nearby armchair) Well, I've got to say...you've let
yourself become involved with one of the prisoners. You're just at the
start of your career; I don't think that's very sensible...is it?
Josh : She'll be out of prison soon.
Di : Not the way she's going she won't! (Josh turns away, obviously
pissed off) Look...I know she seems like she's a lovely girl, but she's
a drug addict! They lie, they'll cheat, they'll do anything they can to
get a fix! She's probably just trying to soften you up to get you to
bring stuff in for you!
Josh : Except that she don't do drugs.
Di : It doesn't matter what she says, the test proves it...you've just
got to accept that.
Josh : That's what I thought, only they done a re-test...the results
came through just before I left...turns out that Crystal's in the clear,
her test got mixed up with Charlotte
And Di is left staring up at Josh in total disbelief...oh shit!! Let's
just hope she hasn't got a machete concealed underneath that dress!!!
Back at the prison, Fenner's finally managed to catch up with Karen and
starts in on the 'Helen's got it in for me' routine again...Karen tells
him that he's got nothing to worry about because Helen works by the
rules, but Fenner's not convinced and tells Karen that he wouldn't put
it past her to 'trump up' another sexual assault charge against him,
Karen : Helen Stewart is as straight as a die...(Oh the irony!)...if
there was the slightest chance that she'd do anything like that, do you
think I'd let her get away with it?
Oh please!!! Someone shoot the woman now and put her out of her misery!!
Only don't shoot her in the head, it'll hit fresh air and fly out the
other end without doing any harm!
Anyway, Mr Oily is all reassured now that he knows his pet governor will
fight in his corner if the going should get tough...and before they
leave the prison for the night, the two decide that maybe they should
take that holiday together after all...good!!! Hopefully that means
we'll be spared the sight of his ugly mug for a couple of weeks!
Back at Josh's...
Josh : Charlotte told you she was gonna test positive...is that when
you got your little idea yeah?
Di : I don't know what you're talking about.
Josh : You're a liar! You already knew about me and Crystal 'cause
Crystal told you!
Di : I thought she was making it up!
Josh : You wanted to split us up! You wanted her out of the way because
you had some crazy idea about you and me!
Di : That's ridiculous!
Josh : Is it? (Steps forward and twangs one of the straps of Di's dress)
What's all this then?
Di : (Stands up, outraged and tries to storm out) I do not have to stay
here to be accused!
Josh : (Following her) Look...Crystal coulda died because of you and you
woulda just stood there and watch it happen!
Di : NO! I never meant for things to go that far! (Tears beginning to
appear in her eyes) I never wanted to hurt her...I wanted to say
something to help her but I was scared! I know it was an awful thing to
do...I'm sorry Josh! I'll make it up to Crystal, I promise! I'll go and
see the governor and tell her that I made a mistake.
Josh : A mistake?
Di : Well if I tell them the truth I'll lose my job.
Josh : GOOD!
Di : I need the money...my mother's ill...I'm all she's got, if I lose
my job she'll get taken into care...look, I'll make things right...I
promise I will.
We don't know whether she's managed to talk Josh round or not, but she's
in a foul mood when she gets home, and when her mother starts calling
out to her as soon as she steps through the door...we get a Di Barking
moment, her head well and truly goes pop and she stands there wittering
Di : Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
etc etc etc...
And then, in a truly terrifying scene, she runs through to her mother's
room, leaps onto the bed as if to strangle her, before pushing the
petrified woman out of bed and leaping on her...laying into her with her
fists as she shouts at her to shut up.
The next morning, Di's still in one hell of a mood and is still taking
it out on the poor woman who is sitting there shaking with terror in her
wheelchair, her face covered in bruises. Di makes it clear that she
holds her mother responsible for everything...
Di : Look at you, sitting there feeling sorry for yourself...it's me
you should be feeling sorry for...running up and down the stairs at your
beck and call...cleaning up shit and piss night and day and you still
stink the air! No wonder Josh won't have anything to do with me. (Grabs
her mother's breakfast tray and walks away with it)
Mrs Barker : Don't leave me Di...help me back into bed.
Di : (Pauses at the door) Help yourself!
And the poor woman is left crying in her chair...yet another reason for
Di to burn in the pits of hell while little demons poke her in the
backside with their forks!
But, have to say again, absolutely cracking acting from Tracey Wilkinson
yet again, she really is overtaking Debra Stephenson as actress of the
series now...the way she can switch from nice Di to nasty Di at a
seconds notice really does make her believable...and she didn't have to
do a tap dance!!
Back at the prison, Josh begs for Crystal's forgiveness but she
continues to stick to her guns, which means that Josh has to reveal that
they had both been set up by Di.
Talking about the queen of all that is barking and madness, she's in
with Helen, giving her version of events...
Di : I don't know how the samples got mixed up, but if I'm being
accused of doing it deliberately then I want a representative from my
Helen : Di, I'm not accusing you.
Di : Well that's what it sounds like to me.
Helen : Anyone can make a mistake...I just need to know how a simple,
step-by-step procedure can go so wrong.
Di : What's step-by-step when you're trying to make girls go to the
toilet for you? I do it because it's my job...but I don't watch them
every second, I'm sorry. (Gets a faraway look in her eye signalling a
Barking moment) I get enough of that at home...(sees Helen's puzzled
look)...my mother...I mean, she's the reason I'm half worn out by the
time I even get to work...backwards and forwards with the potty, that's
me...my whole life's a stinking piss-test!
Helen : (Seems disturbed but clearly has no idea what's going on) You
know I'm going to have to make a note of this on your record...so take
this as an official warning to be more careful in the future.
Di : Yes Ma'am...I'm very sorry.
Back on the wing, Crystal's determined that she's going to report Di for
setting her up but Josh convinces her that if she does that, everyone
will find out about them. He then asks for her forgiveness again and she
gives it, although this time she does warn him that if he messes up
again, they really are through. He reaches for her hand and tells her
that he's missing her and tells her that once she's released, he wants
them to get married straight away. By the way, while all this is going
on, spot the Julies trying to mop inconspicuously in the background
while they try to figure out what's going on...and as soon as Josh
leaves, both they, and Yvonne are in there quicker than Speedy Gonzales
on whizz to find out what's going on...
Yvonne : You been keeping secrets from us Crystal?
Back from her dressing-down from Helen, Di tries to get Josh to talk...
Josh : No...you don't talk to me...in fact, you don't even look at
Josh walks off then leaving Di well and truly bereft.
Meanwhile, the Julies and Yvonne are questioning Crystal with the
efficiency of Gestapo officers until Crystal finally admits that her and
Josh are going to get married...the Julies, predictably, go all gooey
and ask if they can get invites to the wedding if they get out in
time...Crystal tells them that there's plenty of time, if she gets found
guilty it'll be years before there's a wedding...more deja-vu coming up,
the Julies suggest that Josh and Crystal get married inside, until
Yvonne points out the obviously flaw - Josh is a PO...that's doesn't
faze the mistresses of the cunning plan and they suggest that they might
be able to persuade the chaplain to do the service on the quiet...again,
Yvonne is dismissive...
Yvonne : You're joking? He's just another screw with his collar on
back to front!
And yet still, the Julies aren't beaten...they reckon that they might be
able to get Babs to persuade him to do it...
Julie J : Coz she's well in up the altar.
And Babs' reply...
Barbara : Absolutely not!
And we can understand why, because it seems that the Julies have come up
with a slight amendment to their cunning plan...
Julie S : Why not? You're religious ain't ya?
Barbara : Yes, but I'm not a vicar and I'm not pretending to marry
Julie J : Well can't you say you're one of them...whatsit...lay
preachers or summink?
Barbara : I am not going to lie to her!
Julie J : That's alright, we'll do the lying...you just nod.
Barbara : It's not legal!
Julie S : It's not bothered you before, you're a bleedin' bigamist!
Julie S realises she's planted her foot right in her mouth when Barbara
storms out of the room...duh!!!
Up in Helen's office, she's eating her lunch in the company of...
DR YES YES ALERT!!!
Before I get stuck in with the dialogue, I just have to set a few points
1. Is Helen blind...this guy oozes more slime than Fenner at his oily
2. He's got that arrogant Sean type air about him that makes you want to
slap him repeatedly with a copy of the Yellow Pages.
3. He's wearing a black shirt, unbuttoned in such a way that it makes
him look like a reject from 'Saturday Night Fever'.
4. HE EATS WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN!!!
5. HE TALKS WITH HIS MOUTH FULL!!!
I'm sorry, but 4 and 5 alone would be enough for me...but she's smiling
at him like he's the answer to all of her wet dreams and it's just so
sickening that I'm thinking of downing tools in protest!!!
a) I'm not even a Helen fan.
b) The H/N relationship has really pissed me off this
series and I couldn't give two tosses if they get back together or not.
But they honestly can't do this to us!!! Can we really believe that
Helen would be stupid enough to consider an arrogant, slimy git like
this with no dress sense...actually, scratch that one, we've seen for
ourselves that Nikki doesn't exactly come out on top in this particular
area...and the manners that God gave a warthog???? Okay, so we know that
she's probably deep in the depths of a severe case of sexual
frustration...but...oh shit!! I'm sorry, I've just lost the will to
protest any further.
Anyway, on with the vomit fest...
Dr Yes Yes : Well, as long as I have the support of the new number
one...(Pause to smile suggestively like a plumber in a dodgy porn film
who's just turned up to jiggle with Helen's ball-cock)...there's no
reason why things can't improve overnight.
Helen : Music to my ears.
Dr Yes Yes : Mmmm...(Huge bite from sandwich and then goes on to talk
with his mouth full)...now the first thing I want is their NHS
records...I mean, how can we provide treatment for these women if we
don't know their medical history?
Helen : Exactly.
Dr Yes Yes : Mmmm, and from what I've seen so far...well, it's no
surprise to you I'm sure...but a lot of my 'so called' muppets may be
psychologically damaged but they're not mentally ill and they shouldn't
be on double doses of bloody anti-psychotic drugs! (Helen's obviously
realised that the guy has the manners of a rutting pig and looks up from
her own lunch...but he's too interested in the sound of his own voice
and carries on regardless) There's just obviously been a policy of dope
them up and lock the door.
Helen : Do you mind me asking...what is that you're eating?
Dr Yes Yes : Peanut butter and raspberry jam.
WHOA!! Another big strike against him there...everyone knows that the
best jam to combine with peanut butter is strawberry!!
Anyway, Helen pulls a face at this that makes her look like she's just
swallowed a mouth-organ.
Dr Yes Yes : Oh...now come on...you can't have tried it, otherwise
you wouldn't have pulled that face.
Helen : I have actually...when I was a kid.
Dr Yes Yes : (Leans forward) Ah well you see...I'm sticking with the
kids...gimme crisps, chocolate and ice-cream anytime.
Oh heavens above...he's in touch with his inner child too and it seems
to have impressed Helen mightily...well, I suppose you can see the
reasoning behind that...she's used to someone who's in touch with her
inner hormonal adolescent...who needs temper tantrums when you can have
a cheeky chappy clutching a Yorkie bar???
Luckily, the vomit fest is interrupted by Claire...Nikki's solicitor
Helen : Claire...I didn't expect you 'til later.
Claire : (Significant nod in Helen's direction) I've got some news for
Now that's tempted Helen's thoughts away from Dennis the Menace...but
shit...could it be a final nail in the coffin??? Bad news???
End of Part Two...
I'm off work tomorrow....yeeee haaaa!!! Sorry, just had to tell you all
Over lunch, Crystal and Babs talk about the Julies' crackpot idea...but
Crystal seems to be seriously considering it...as long as it's done in
the eyes of the Lord, she doesn't care if it's legal or not, she then
asks Babs if she felt married to Peter, even though they weren't legally
married, and this of course makes Babs think...looks like the idea might
be a good one after all.
While this is happened, Gina arrives to tell Nikki that she's been
summoned by Helen, she's surprised but follows Gina off the wing.
Now that Babs is on side, the only thing remaining for Crystal to do is
to persuade Josh...he's uncertain at first because of the risk of being
caught, but realises that after the piss-test incident, he has something
to prove to her and eventually agrees...now, how the hell are the Julies
going to swing a secret wedding??? I suppose it won't be that long
before we find out!!
Up in Helen's office...Nikki storms in like Kevin the Teenager expecting
a bollocking for staying out all night and doesn't even acknowledge
Claire as she stares at Helen...
Helen : Take a seat.
Nikki : (Sits down and folds her arms in the huffy, puffy, blow your
house down manner we all know and love) Go on then...just tell me.
Claire : (Picks up letter) This came this morning from the Home
Office...(Places letter on the desk in front of Nikki)...saying that
they're going to submit your case to the court of appeal...(Pause for
look of disbelief from Nikki as she stares down at the letter before
looking up at Helen who smiles meaningfully)...which means that they
think that you've got a very good case.
Claire and Helen share a smile as Nikki leans forward to pick up the
letter, she opens it, reads it and bursts into tears......good news for
our dynamic duo at last...let's hope that they get a happy ending before
Dr Yes Yes gets his peanut butter and jam smeared fingers all over
Down on the wing, the Scooby gang are assembled and going through their
plans for the wedding...the Julies have made a wedding card and have
sneaked some flowers out of the garden for the bouquet...Babs informs
the others that she's managed to grab half an hour alone in the chapel
to practice some hymns for Sunday service...and it all looks like it's
going ahead...but, unfortunately, like the spectre at the feast, Di
Barker is hovering on the G2 landing looking extremely suspicious...oh
shit!! Let's just hope she hasn't twigged!!!
Back up in the office, Helen shows Claire out before giving in to
Helen : (Whirls around excitedly) God! Isn't that just the most
Nikki : (Subdued) It's fantastic...(Backs away to return to her
chair)...but I still got to win it though.
Helen : Yeah, but you heard what Claire said...(Sits down in chair next
to Nikki)...oh Nikki, you're almost there.
Nikki : (Still incredibly subdued) Yeah.
Helen : Um no, I'm sorry...no wee iffy yeah...a bloody big YES!
Anyway, in a fit of excitement, Helen grabs Nikki's hands and waves them
around in the air a bit...and for a second, it looks like they might
have a celebratory snog, but...
Who should choose that precise moment to interrupt??? Yep, you gottit,
Dr Yes Yes...yet another reason to hate the guy's guts!!!
Helen introduces Nikki to Dr Yes Yes and tells him that Nikki's just
heard that she's been granted an appeal...he congratulates her and then
turns to Helen...
Dr Yes Yes : We'll meet for a drink later yeah?
Nikki : (Calls out as he closes the door) Have one on me yeah?
Well well, Nikki reveals yet another personality change...last series
she went ballistic when Helen went for a curry with dishwater Dom, but
she doesn't even bat an eyelid here...has she learnt from her
mistakes??? Let's hope so.
With all of the inmates away on association, Di takes the opportunity to
search the dorm and eventually finds the wedding card that the Julies
have made...she puts two and two together, and, with a very determined
look on her face, heads off to the kitchen where our wedding planners
are putting the finishing touches to the bouquet...they are so intent on
their task and checking if they have enough 'bog roll' that they don't
hear the barking one's approach and get the shock of their lives when
they turn around to see her standing there...
Di : Some occasion is it?
The Julies don't reply and can be seen stuffing bouquets and toilet roll
down the backs of their skirts as they stare back at Di, looking as
guilty as a pair of kids with their hands caught in the biscuit
Di : You cleared the supper things away very quickly today.
Julie S : People was 'ungry...
Julie J : They ate up quick.
Di : Did Crystal have any food? (Pause while they Julies desperately
think of an answer...you can smell the burning from here!!) Only I've
been looking around for her and I can't find her...you don't know where
Both Julies : No miss!
Di : Shall I look in the laundry?
Both Julies : I dunno.
Di : The gym?
Julie S : The gym Miss...yeah...(Looks over at Julie J)...that's right,
innit Jue? D'int she say something about wanting to go to the gym?
Julie J : Oh yeah...that's right, she said she was feeling flabby.
Julie S : (Nodding in desperation) Flabby.
LMAO!!! Nice one Julie...that'll put her off the scent alright...people
who've been on hunger strike for over a week often complain about a
sudden weight gain!!
Di : (Horribly evilly) Or maybe I should start by looking in the
For two people who normally don't have a clue, the Julies move
incredibly quickly and pounce on Di like a pair of all-in wrestlers...Di
is knocked to the ground and while Julie S sits on her back and ties her
hands, Julie J gags her with her rather fetching pink cardie before she
is locked into the store cupboard...let's hear it for ingenuity eh???
In the chapel...Babs keeps a nervous eye out for the Julies while Yvonne
puts the finishing touches to Crystal's hair...note, she's wearing one
of her shirts from hell here...Crystal's having a few last-minute
jitters, but Yvonne's on hand with some reassurance.
LMAO!! Shot of Di here...tied up and gagged and struggling furiously in
the store cupboard...she's trying to make a noise, but the Julies have
left the radio playing before hurrying along to the chapel to join the
Classic comedy moment here...Dawn arrives in the kitchen and starts to
mop in time to the song playing on the radio ('Jaded' by Aerosmith)...Di
starts to struggle again, but it's all for nought because Dawn's
switched the radio up and is mopping on completely oblivious.
Back in the chapel, the Julies finally arrive and everyone can take
their positions...Babs sits down at the organ to play the wedding march
and it turns out that Yvonne's going to be giving Crystal away...it all
starts off well enough, but Babs gets the jitters when Yvonne and
Crystal are halfway down the aisle and speeds it up dramatically...cue
Yvonne getting all flustered as she and Crystal are forced to speed up
to keep time...I'm sorry, I can't get over quite how funny this sight
is, but as always, it's all down to Yvonne's facial expressions and
delivery as she and Crystal crash into Josh and the Julies...
Yvonne : Bloody hell Babs!
Back in the kitchen, Di finally makes enough noise to attract Dawn's
attention and she opens the store cupboard door to investigate and is
given another line...
Dawn : (Shocked) Miss Barker!
And she reached forward to remove the gag and it's another Scooby Gang
moment, you half expect Di to say...
Di : I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for those pesky
But she doesn't...she just orders Dawn to untie her before setting off
for the chapel...
The service is underway, but Di is now a woman on a mission and she
storms down those corridors like the Terminator...all she's lacking is a
glowing red eye and an Uzi 9mm...
It's sitting on the edge of your seat time again as the service
Will they finish in time?
Will Di reach them first and go crazy with a machete and hack them all
Will I fall asleep before I finish this bloody synopsis??
But finally, the service is over and as Crystal and Josh kiss, the
Julies burst into tears just like we always knew that they would do...
But Di's still on the rampage...will the Scooby gang get out of the
chapel in time and...
Shit...she's reached the door...she's opening it and...
Phew...the chapel is empty but for Crystal's bouquet which is lying on
End of Part Three...
After all of that drama I need a fag!! Back in a mo.
Crystal and Josh are all cuddled up in the linen cupboard and from their
lack of clothing, it's obvious that the marriage has been
consummated...it's a touching scene, especially when Crystal says that
she wishes that they can spend the whole night together…let's just hope
that her trial is successful and she gets her wish...but, at least
they'll have a cracking story to tell the grandchildren!!!
In the chapel, there's scary Barking music for a scary Barking moment as
she sits there turning the bouquet over in her hands, obviously already
plotting her revenge...and BANG!! Her head goes pop and she throws the
bouquet to the ground in a fit of pique before storming out of the room
and slamming the door behind her in a supremely dramatic way that would
have Nikki holding up a scorecard with a perfect '10' on it.
Meanwhile, Josh and Crystal are on their way back to the wing when
Crystal spots something out of the window...a firework display...
Crystal : Yvonne said she had a surprise for us.
On the wing, all of the inmates, followed by an extremely pissed off
Gina, storm G3 to get a good view of the firework display...Yvonne's
already there and watching with a self satisfied smile on her face which
prompts Nikki to comment...
Nikki : What's going on?
Yvonne : It's a celebration.
Nikki : For what?
Yvonne : Anything you like.
Talk about good timing there!!
Anyway, inmates and screws alike gather to watch the display, and again,
I am forced to ask myself why people go 'ooooh' and 'ahhhh' at firework
But I digress...
Get ready for the obligatory shot of the meat wagon arriving, but this
time we know that it's to herald the arrival of the much talked about
Peckham Boot Gang...and they're making a right old racket...so much in
fact that they attract the attention of Yvonne, Nikki, Shaz and Buki who
head to the nearest cell window to investigate...but not before Nikki
gets the honorary Zandra line...
Nikki : What the twatting hell's that???
Well...that's exactly what I'm wondering...I was expecting three evil
looking motherf***ers, and instead??? Well, we get a Podger lookalike,
another girl and someone who can only be described as a dead-ringer for
Jimmy Krankie, even down to the annoying Scottish accent...and these
three are gonna turn the wing on its head are they?? Well, I wait to be
Again, Yvonne has the last word on that particular subject for this
Yvonne : Not more bleedin' big-mouthed kids!
Josh is in the officers' room when a very scary, very emotional and
terrifyingly on the edge looking Di Barker walks in...
Di : I know exactly what you've been up to.
Josh : Didn't I tell you not to talk to me?
Di : Yeah? And what's Miss Betts gonna say about your little secret
Josh : Well let's go and ask her, and while we're about it, you can tell
her why you swapped those piss-tests.
Di : She won't believe you...it's your word against mine.
Josh : And Charlotte Middleton's, telling you that she knew she was
gonna test positive...oh, and maybe I'll let Miss Betts know about all
this harassment you're giving me!
Di : And where's the proof of that?
Josh : (Turns to Gina who has just walked into the room) Gina, has Di
ever made out that me and her are having a thing?
Gina : You're kidding? Only ten times a bleedin' day! (Leaves the room)
Josh : (Turns back to Di) You know what lady? You need help...you're
Josh storms out and Di has a major wibbly-wobbly moment and collapses
into a nearby chair, looking for all the world like she's going to
throw-up or spontaneously combust on the spot...she is happened upon by
a very concerned Dick Dastardly and Muttley...Fenner insists that he
drive Di home...she tries to put him off by saying that she'll be okay
but he won't take no for an answer...before shepherding Di out of the
door, he tells Karen that he'll meet her at the airport the next
At Di's house, Fenner pulls up and offers to see Di to the door, she
refuses, saying that she'll be okay and he agrees...he watches her got
into the house, and just as he is about to pull away, he realises that
Di has left her cardigan behind...what is it with this man and women who
wear cardigans??? Anyway, he walks up to the front door and can hear
cries in the background...he immediately thinks that Di is being
attacked and calls out her name...she arrives at the door a few moments
later and makes some excuse about the sounds he heard coming from the
TV...and just when it looks like she's going to get away with it,
another cry is heard in the background and Fenner pushes past Di and
into the house to investigate.
He opens the door to Mrs Barker's room and immediately puts his hand up
to cover his mouth and nose, which obviously means that the poor woman's
been left all day without access to a toilet...and then, we see Mrs
Barker lying on the floor, bruised and battered, her wheelchair is lying
on the floor behind her which means that she was obviously trying to get
out of it and over-balanced...she pleads to Fenner for help and he turns
to Di, absolutely horrified...
Di : (Crying) Please don't tell anybody...I'll lose my job.
Fenner looks to the old woman who is crying on the floor and then back
to Di who is seriously cracking up...what's he going to do????
Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)
Top Dog of the Week
Respect to the Posh. She's growing on me actually. Is it just me, or
does she remind you of Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady? Great cheekbones.
Still could be Nikki's little sister though.
But it's got to be the Julies who get the prize, for putting Di's
vengeance on hold and stuffing her in a cupboard.
Twatting Twat of the Week
Dawn! Don't be letting the psycho out of the cupboard!
Karen for going on holiday with Fenner. And not being pleased when Helen
got the No. 1 job. Can you tell I'm bored with her poor judgement?
Dr Yes Yes...pick a reason!! But, my major gripe is that the pig hasn't
even got enough manners to eat with his mouth closed...oh, and he
interrupts what could've been a very touching N&N scene.
Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Di Barker, who finally lost her tenuous grip on reality. Expect she'll
be on sick leave next week and her mum will go into a nursing home.
Di's mum, who suffered as much as her daughter.
Spin Doctor of the Week
Charlotte showed Betts just how stringent her procedures weren't.
Worst Girl of the Week
Di Barker's wild swings between rage and contrition were a scary sight.
Another fine performance of woman on the edge from Tracey Wilkinson.
Best Line of the Week
Gina: Keep your panic button handy, that's all I can say.
Yvonne: Something stinks around here, and it ain't just them piss-pots.
Karen: Helen Stewart's straight as a die. [Yep, Fenner was rofl too]
Di: My whole life's a stinking piss test.
Yvonne: He's just another screw with his collar on back to front.
Julie S [to Babs]: It's never bothered you before - you're a bleedin'
Worst Line of the Week
Gina: Wish I had that much willpower; I could do with losing a few
Stubberfield: You're just a pretty face to brighten up the board table,
Helen, until they pick their man.
Julie J : Oh yeah...that's right, she said she was feeling flabby.
[Duh! Julie J shows again that she was at the back of the queue when the
brains were being given out!!]
Warring Faction of the Week
Di and Josh; Di and the Julies; Di and her mum. Anyone else?
Best Performance by an Extra
Dawn - Dawn! getting on down with her mop and bucket.
Sight of the Week
Josh flapping and slapping around poor comatose Crystal.
Babs playing The Wedding March at double time with Yvonne racing down
the aisle to give Crystal away.
Dr Yes Yes talking with a gobful of peanut butter and jam sarnie - yuk.
Helen's 'just swallowed a mouth-organ' impression when Dr Yes Yes
informs her of the contents of his sandwiches.
Nikki's Deidre Barlow impression when she bursts into tears...horrible!!
Helen getting all excited about Nikki's appeal...looked like she had an
orgasm on the spot!!
Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
They still can't find a clipboard big enough to obscure Gina's
How is it that the Julies, not generally known to be the sharpest tools
in the box, cotton onto Josh & Crystal's relationship when the rest of
Larkhall continues in blessed ignorance? Mind you, a cynic might say
that they might as well have been shagging on the pool table.
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