Season 2, Episode 1: Tug of Love
Recap by Filbertfox


The eagerly awaited second series starts with a shot of Nikki, peering out of her cell window and indulging in her favourite pastime - Scottish totty spotting...The Scot in question doesn't make an appearance and an extremely crestfallen Nikki slumps onto her bed...The hideous dressing-gown makes its first appearance of the series, although, it looks like the horrendous lipstick and earrings have been forsaken.

Anyway, moving on to Dominic who is on his way to see the Wing Governor, the door opens and...Oh shit! It can't be!!! Can it????

Jim Fenner, Wing Governor??? The world's gone mad!!!

Well, actually, Stubberfield's gone mad, looks like having a gorilla in a suit (which looks like it's been picked up off the rack at 'C&A' by the way it hangs off Fenner like a potato sack) was his good idea.

Anyway, the conversation between Stubbsy and Fenner kicks off on the subject of Helen, who it appears is late back off sick leave. Stubbsy reckons that she's gone AWOL, Fenner is sympathetic...

Fenner : It's a shame, I feel sorry for her, this job's tough enough without problems on the home front.

GAH!!! Who is he trying to kid??? Honestly! This guy is greasier than a mechanic's overalls!!!

Jesus H Christ in a sidecar!! It seems that not content with Fenner filling the gov's role on a temporary basis, Stubbsy actually wants Fenner to take the role on full-time!! They obviously didn't employ the number 1 for his brains.

So, the scene moves to Fenner's house, where his wife Marilyn (who by the way does a lovely line in cardigans) is collecting the mail, just then, the phone rings and Mr Oily starts to crow about his imminent promotion and is in the mood to celebrate...

Fenner : How do you fancy going out for a nice steak tonight?

Blimey Jim, push the boat out why don't you? Anyway seems like our Marilyn is slightly distracted because she's not exactly enthusiastic, mind you, married to that ape, can you really blame her??

Back at the prison, Zandra goes into labour in the four-bed dorm...the alarm bell is rung and guess who is on duty?? Bodybag...oh great, just the face you want to see looming over you when you're about to give birth!!

Meanwhile, Fenner goes to crow to Shell...

Fenner : Who knows, we could be having late night sessions in my new office, maybe even a little bottle of wine.
Shell : Oooh please.
Fenner : If you don't rock the boat.

After this touching scene, Nikki (moody and magnificent in her blinding white vest) bumps into Shell...

Nikki : Watch where you're going Dockley!
Shell : Ahhh! Still got the glums because your little guvvy's gone have ya? Shame she ain't coming back innit?

Shell shoots a significant look in Fenner's direction and leaves Nikki with a face like she's just been slapped by a wet kipper.

Outside, Bodybag and Dominic are escorting Zandra to a taxi, Bodybag is belly-aching as usual...

Bodybag : Now, get in the car and keep your legs together!

Back on the wing, Crystal is filling the Julies in on the situation...

Julie S : 'Ere, so who's Zandra got on escort with her?
Crystal : Mr McAllister and old Bodybag.
Julie S : Bodybag?
Julie J : Oh God! Poor Zandra!
Julie S : Oh Christ! Who'd want to go through labour with that old cow at your bedside?

Crystal tells the Julies that the best way they can help Zandra is by praying...

Julie S : She's alright that Crystal but she don't half bang that tambourine.

...Just as they reflect on that thought, Yvonne Atkins pops her head out of her cell and asks the Julies if they fancy making some money...hmmm, what's she got planned??

At the hospital, there's a bit of an altercation between the midwife and Bodybag because of Bodybag's refusal to take Zandra's handcuffs off...

Bodybag : This one's a security risk.

Dominic manages to persuade Bodybag to take the cuffs off, she ain't too happy about it though, especially when Zandra makes it clear that it's Dominic she wants there and not her...poor Dom seems a bit squeamish though and goes to wait outside.

Zandra is still going on about Robin, the midwife agrees to try to contact him for her, again, Bodybag is decidedly pissed off but there ain't that much she can do about it. The midwife also notices the needle marks in Zandra's arms and asks her if she's on something, Zandra insists that they're old marks, but, doesn't look that convinced about it.

Back at the prison, a significant moment...Fenner opens a drawer in his desk and notices that Helen has left her lipstick behind...Fenner smiles like the snake he is and drops the lipstick in the bin...Jesus! Come back Helen! Come back now!!!

Meanwhile, Yvonne is examining the Julies' handiwork, seems that she's got them cleaning for her...By the way Yvonne's cell is like an Aladdin's cave, stuffed full of make-up and bags of 'Nik Naks', hmmmm, 'Nice 'n Spicy' flavour too, looks like Yvonne has at least a miniscule amount of taste!!

Yvonne is impressed, so impressed that she offers to put the Julies on her payroll...on the condition that they manage to get hold of some curtains and 'something soft I can put me feet on'...that's easy Yvonne, the Julie's heads are about the softest thing you'll find in the prison!!

Okay, forget Helen, forget Nikki, there's a new breed of totty in Larkhall...She's tall, she's elegant, she's blonde, she's...

Karen Betts, aka Claire King...oooooh, someone pass me a bucket of cold water to put these flames out!!!

Anyway, seems that Karen is actually an old crony of Stubbsy's, he's been trying to tempt her out of men's prisons (and away from men!!) for years, and, now that Fenner has been kicked upstairs and into a suit, it seems that he's on the look out for a new Principal Officer...ooooh, yes please Simon!!

Fenner is asked to join the meeting, and it's clear that him and Karen have a bit of a history...Oh Shit!!! She's obviously not as intelligent as she looks then!! Anyway, Fenner is at his oily best and is seemingly looking forward to working with Karen, let's hope she brought her 'Swarfega' with her!!

Back at the hospital, Zandra, predictably is screaming for drugs...

Zandra : Can't you give me something for this pain? It's taking the piss!!
Midwife : Do you want me to give you some Pethidin?
Zandra : Anything!!!

Fenner arrives home to a very frosty reception from 'er indoors...turns out that she's been receiving letters, and the latest one says...

Dear Mrs Fenner,

Your husband is still shagging that killer bitch Shell Dockley.

Don't you care?

Yours truely,
A friend

Back at the prison, the carpet-fitters have conveniently left a bag of off-cuts outside Stubberfield's office (oh, he's just had a new carpet fitted by the way)...of course the Julies, still on the search for something soft for Yvonne to stand on, nick it, although how they managed to be outside the number 1's office is beyond me.

At the hospital, it seems that Bodybag is showing her, until now hidden, human side, she's positively overwhelmed by the prospect of Zandra giving birth...the old battle-axe has a gooey smile on her face as she grabs Zandra's hand...

Bodybag : Come on Zandra! Push! God!! Looks like she has a heart after all!!!

Even more incredibly...just as Robin runs into the room for the final few seconds of childbirth, Bodybag wipes away a tear!!!! Zandra has a baby boy...

The following morning at the Fenner residence, Marilyn is still giving Fenner hassle about the letter, Fenner is dismissive, but, obviously pissed off...

Fenner : When I find the vicious little bitch that's doing this, I'll have her ghosted out of Larkhall that quick!

Back at the hospital, Zandra and Robin discuss the name of the baby, Zandra wants Robin (strange Zan, wanting to name the baby after the twat who dumped you and didn't give a shit when he found out you were pregnant) but Robin isn't convinced...

Robin : We can't call him Robin, think of all the Batman jokes.

They settle on Robbie in the end...anyway, it transpires that Robin didn't get married to the woman he dumped Zandra for...also, he seems determined to stand up to his parents this time...maybe, just maybe, Zandra might be in for a happy ending.

Fenner has another shock in store for him, guess who's back in town??

Helen : Morning Jim!

Every Simone Lahbib fan in the country heaves a sigh of relief...ooops, looks like the wind has been well and truly knocked out of Fenner's sails.

Anyway, it turns out that the reason Helen is late back is because of a delay to her flight...she's back with a vengeance by the way, she orders him to get the other officers back for a meeting and then steals the show with a line gifted to her by heaven...

Helen : Nice soot!

Okay okay, I'm not exactly a huge Helen fan, but, now she's finally got rid of that horrible 'Stewart quiff' I can actually see the attraction...but, she has got serious competition in the form of Karen Betts now though...(Filbertfox runs for cover, avoiding the lynching by Helen's fans!!!!)

Things are not going well at the hospital, the midwife tells Zandra and Robin that Robbie has been put in the special care unit because he's withdrawing from the drugs that Zandra had been taking while pregnant. The midwife tells them that there's nothing to worry about, but it's obvious that Robin disagrees.

At the prison, Fenner is back in uniform and obviously not too pleased about it, especially not when Helen makes her first appearance on the wing since arriving back. Nikki is obviously delighted, Shell's not though and the two exchange a siginificant moment...

Nikki : Looks like Fenner's been telling you fibs Dockley!

Helen brings more good cheer by informing the inmates about Robbie...just as she is about to leave the wing, she is collared by Nikki...

Nikki : Miss Stewart?
Helen : Not now.
Nikki : I need to speak to you Miss.
Helen : When I'm ready.

Helen then leaves the wing, and despite being given a very obvious brush-off, Nikki returns to her breakfast looking like she's just won the lottery.

A very pissed off Shell takes Fenner to one side and asks him what's going on, Fenner explains that he didn't know that Helen was coming back and then pulls Shell into the officers room for a bit more privacy. Fenner tells Shell about the letters that Marilyn has been receiving, Shell, of course, acts all innocent...

Shell : But who? Who'd do that Jim?
Fenner : What, you really can't think? It's obvious isn't it? Wade. (Wanders over to look at Nikki through the window)
Shell : (Pauses to smile wickedly before joining Fenner by the window) The evil lezzie bitch! So what did your wife say Jim?
Fenner : She just thinks that some sicko's playing games, that's what I told her.
Shell : She's not giving you a hard time then?
Fenner : Course not, she trusts me doesn't she?
Shell : So what you gonna do about Wade?
Fenner : I dunno, I was gonna put the wind right up her but now her little friend's back in charge, maybe she'll have enough to crow about anyway and leave it off.
Shell : No she won't! That'll only make her worse.
Fenner : What? You know her better than me do you?
Shell : No! Just supposing, that's all.
Fenner : Well don't suppose. Hop it, go on.

Shell departs the officers' room leaving Fenner glaring at Nikki through the window.

Up in Stubberfield's office, Helen is receiving a bollocking from the Fat Controller and receives an official warning for going AWOL. Stubberfield, (between picking up stray bits of fluff from his new carpet) also mentions that he's keeping Fenner on the same grade as Helen and bringing in a new Principal Officer. Blimey! Make it obvious you don't trust the woman why don't you Simon? Helen, predictably, isn't that pleased at the news but there's really flop-all she can do about it.

Back at the hospital, Zandra is also receiving a bollocking from Robin as they visit Robbie in the special care unit. An extremely upset Zandra promises to stay off the drugs for good and then says goodbye to baby Robbie until he's well enough to join her in the Mother and Baby Unit back in Larkhall. She's also upset to be leaving Robin, but he does promise to visit every week.

After her confrontation with Stubberfield, Helen decides to bite the bullet and summons Nikki to her office...

Nikki is still smiling like all her Christmases have come at once, but Helen has a face like a bag of spanners, so it's obvious that Nikki's in for a big let-down...

Helen : Take a seat Nikki. I thought we'd better have a talk.
Nikki : Can't believe you're back here. I was really beginning to think that you'd walked. You must have been through Hell.
Helen : I'm where I want to be now.
Nikki : (Looking concerned) Meaning not back with Sean?
Helen : Hardly.
Nikki : I couldn't believe him turning up like that. Had to mean you'd chucked him though.
Helen : Nikki I don't want to talk about Sean.
Nikki : Sure. But I'm not wrong about why you couldn't marry him, am I?
Helen : Look, Sean and I were never going to work out. I knew that as soon as he moved in with me.
Nikki : So nothing to do with what you felt for me? Why can't you tell me I mean something to you?
Helen : Of course you mean something.
Nikki : Say that again!
Helen : It doesn't matter what the hell I feel, Nikki, you're a prisoner in my charge; I can't take advantage of you."
Nikki : You wouldn't be!
Helen : Look, while it's my job to lock you up, there's no way we can be equal Nikki.
Nikki : Look, wait, I'm not saying any of it's going to be easy, but it's not impossible is it? Not if we both want to try."
Helen : But that's what I'm trying to say to you, I don't want to try and pretend that these aren't the facts. Look, how can I do my job when I'm breaking my own rules? I'm sorry Nikki, but there's no way."
Nikki : (Holding back tears) You obviously care more about your bloody career than you do about me. I must be mad, course I'm not worth risking your precious job for, not when you can nip down the garden centre and pick up another boyfriend. 'Cos that's what you'd rather have, isn't it Helen? Then you won't be breaking any rules.
Helen : (Beginning to lose her temper) I nearly didn't come back to this. Look, my back is up against the wall. This is my last chance to do some good. I want you to help me Nikki.
(Nikki snorts disbelievingly and looks at Helen like she's just grown a second head)
Helen : OK. Go. (Dismisses Nikki with a nod of the head)

(Nikki walks towards the door with a face like thunder, pauses, turns and glares at Helen like a sulky teenager before leaving, slamming the door behind her)

Zandra arrives back on the wing and the Julies and Crystal immediately pounce on her and ask where the baby is, Zandra tells them that Robbie is 'clucking' (detoxing) and Crystal makes her disapproval obvious. Zandra also informs them that her and Robin are back together, she's obviously excited about it but it's plain to see that as far as the Julies are concerned it'll be tears before bedtime.

At dinner, Shell complains to Denny about Fenner's wife believing his explanation about the letter she sent...

Shell : What else do I have to tell the stupid cow? What his dick looks like?
Denny : Why? Is there something funny about it?
Shell : Nah, bleedin' bog-standard!

Denny, acting like Baldrick to Shell's Blackadder, suggests that she takes photos of Fenner at it, Shell, for obvious reasons doesn't think this idea is a goer, but it does give her an idea.

A week or so later and Robbie is finally able to join Zandra in the MBU, she's obviously trying hard to be the perfect mum and proves this by turning down a dealer (evil witch!!) who offers her some smack.

Meanwhile, Shell makes a phone call...

Shell : It's me, I need something sent in. A little present for a dog, geddit? And I mean little!

What on earth is she up to??

Zandra receives a visit from Robin, she expects support, but Robin makes it obvious that he's unhappy about his baby being brought up inside a prison and asks Zandra to consider giving him custody while she's inside. Meanwhile, Zandra notices the dealer who tried to tempt her earlier receiving a new supply from her visitor, Robin notices this too but Zandra is adamant that she's clean...It doesn't stop Bodybag searching Robbie's nappy for contraband before she allows them both back on the MBU though...

Zandra : You want to have a good sniff don't you?
Bodybag : Don't blame me because we can't trust you Plackett!

Oh dear, it definitely looks like the strain is getting to Zan.

Down in the gardens, Denny stages a fight between two inmates to distract the screws attention while a package is thrown over the wall. (Quick point here, notice when Denny checks the time on her watch, it's a 'Tag Heuer', not exactly the cheapest brand of watch in the the bloody hell did someone like her afford one?)...Denny retrieves the package and takes it straight to Shell who opens it immediately, we then discover that the 'present for a dog' is a mobile phone (give the dog a bone...geddit?). Anyway, Shell decides to get stuck in with the mischief right away and decides to wind Bodybag up...

Bodybag : Hello?
Shell : (Puts on posh telephone voice) Is that Mrs Sylvia Hollamby?
Bodybag : Speaking.
Shell : Hello Mrs Hollamby, my name is Penny and I'm ringing from mail order customer services about your recent order from our catalogue.
Bodybag : What order?
Shell : For a double bed.
Bodybag : What double bed?
Shell : One deluxe double-sized bed, £999.99.
Bodybag : I haven't ordered a double bed.
Shell : It's what it says on my computer.
Bodybag : Look, I'm telling you, I didn't order it, I don't want it!
Shell : Oooh, well it's a bit late to change your mind now Mrs Hollamby, it'll be loaded up in the depot.
Bodybag : I'm not changing my mind, listen to me! I did not order a double bed!
Shell : Oh well, I don't know what to say, leave it with me and I'll try to get to the bottom of it.

Shell and Denny collapse into frantic belly-chuckles as Shell cuts a frantic Bodybag off.

Down in the MBU, Zandra is having problems, Robbie is crying all of the time and she's practically tearing her hair much so, that she eventually succumbs to temptation and scores some smack. However, she soon comes to her senses and tries to give it back to the dealer, the dealer however suspects that Zandra has used some and cut the rest and a fight breaks out...a screaming Zandra is taken away and Robin is called in for a conference with her and Helen...

Helen : What you have to understand Zandra is that a place on the Mother and Baby Unit is a privilege, not a right.
Robin : Why the hell were you fighting?
Zandra : I didn't start it, she was winding me up!
Helen : (To Robin) The other women said that they were fighting about drugs, when a search was conducted in Zandra's cell we found a small supply of heroin.
Robin : What?
Zandra : I said I didn't use it! I didn't want it Robin! (Turns to Helen) I was piss tested clean wasn't I?
Helen : You broke the rules! The other mothers on the unit are up in arms about this, we'd have to segregate Zandra anyway for her own protection. Now the problem is, the law won't allow us to lock a baby into a cell.
Robin : I can't believe you got involved in drugs again!
Zandra : I didn't want to, she pushed them on me! (To Helen) Why don't you tell him Miss that it wasn't my fault?
Helen : Look, there'll be a case conference now, you might have to hand your baby out Zandra.
Zandra : What?
Robin : Well obviously if she can't keep Robbie in here then I'm taking him home with me.
Zandra : No!
Robin : Of course I am Zan!
Zandra : (In tears) But I'm his mother! I want to look after him!
Robin : Well you should've thought about that before.
Zandra : But I didn't do any drugs!
Helen : We all have to think about what's best for the baby, now, if you and Robin don't make your own arrangements...
Robin : No, I've decided.
Zandra : No!
Robin : You've got nothing to give him Zandra! You can't even breast-feed him!
Zandra : That's their fault, if they'd let me stay with him in hospital my milk wouldn't have dried up!
Robin : There's no point in arguing about this, she'll never be a fit mother.
Zandra : You're not taking him Robin! You weren't there with me the whole time I was carrying him, so you can piss off now!
Helen : Okay Zandra. (Turns to officer standing in the corner) You can take her back to the MBU.
Zandra : (As she follows the officer out of the room) You are a shit Robin!
Helen : (To officer) And make sure that there's someone there to stay with her please. (Turns back to Robin) Maybe this was a mistake.
Robin : No. (Stands up) It's made me realise that I'm doing the right thing, I've already started legal proceedings Miss Stewart, I want sole custody of my son!

Oh dear, things have well and truly gone pear-shaped for Zandra...although you can see Robin's point, it's a bit too late for him to be taking the moral high-ground now, especially as he obviously didn't give a shit about Zandra being pregnant in the first place.

Zandra, alone and desperate and frantic not to lose Robbie, decides that if she can't have him then no-one can and wraps him up in blankets before taking him up on the roof.

The inmates are allowed out for exercise and Zandra calls down to Crystal from the roof...

Zandra : They tried to steal my baby!

Bodybag, as always, shows the caring face of the Prison Service...

Bodybag : You stupid girl! Get back down!

The officers mobilise, Fenner tells Dominic to call for Helen before he sets off for the roof, despite the situation, Bodybag is still belly-aching...

Fenner : Get them all banged-up.
Bodybag : (Even though Fenner is off to the roof to put himself in danger) Oh right, give me the easy job!

Bodybag tries to get the inmates back into the building but they're having none of it, all of them shouting up at Zandra to get her down, even Shell gets in on the act...

Shell : Think about your baby you stupid bitch!

It is unfortunate that right at that moment, Stubberfield arrives with Karen Betts in tow and witnesses the whole incident.

Up on the roof, Fenner arrives and tries to talk Zandra down...

Fenner : Zandra, it's okay, I just want to talk to you.
Zandra : I don't want to talk. I JUST WANT TO KEEP MY BABY!

Down in the yard, the other inmates are getting desperate...

Julie J : It's alright Zandra, we'll look after you! We'll get it sorted!
Crystal : Please come down girl!

Sorry to trivialise all this drama for a moment, but spot the superb over-acting from the extras in the background.

Back up on the roof...

Zandra : I know what they'll decide! They'll send him out to his rich, shit dad!
Fenner : Well you're not going to help your case with this sort of caper. (Gets up and moves towards Zandra) Now come on!
Zandra : Get away from me! (Stands up and moves closer to the edge) Get back!
Fenner : Okay, okay.

Down in the yard...

Denny : Zandra!
Nikki : You've got your whole life Zandra!!

(Definitely the line which wins most cringeworthy line of the week, the patented Wade crappy cliché strikes again!)

On the roof...

Fenner : Be fair to your baby, what can you give him in here?
Zandra : The same as I can give him anywhere, I can give him love can't I?
Fenner : Come on, this is silly.

Over on the other side of the roof, daredevil Dom climbs through a skylight and proves he isn't just a pretty face with his plan to catch Zandra in a pincer movement. Meanwhile, Fenner is still quoting from the 'Ladybird Book of How to Handle a Suicidal Prisoner'...

Fenner : Don't kid yourself Zandra, you're not going to jump, not if you really love your baby.

Helen arrives on the scene and immediately jumps into action...

Helen : I think it's me Zandra's angry with. Isn't that right Zandra? You think I'm on Robin's side?
Zandra : You want them to take Robbie away from me, don't you?
Helen : Okay, I'm going to put myself on the line too Zandra.

Helen climbs out onto the edge of the roof, and down in the yard you can hear Nikki's lower jaw hit the floor with a thump when she sees her beloved inching slowly towards Zandra...

Helen : I tell you what I think about your Robin, I think he's very like my ex-fiancé to be honest. He's weak, he's weak Zandra but he's totally sure of himself. Now, he'll use every single advantage that he has to try to get custody of your baby, but he'll only win if you give up the fight.
Zandra : Why do you think I'm up here?
Helen : Because you think you've already lost, you haven't. You'll be out of here next year Zandra, and I promise you, i'll give you all the help I can to protect your rights as Robbie's mother. But first you've got to respect his rights.

In the background, a very nervous Dominic can be seen sneaking up on an oblivious Zandra from behind.

Helen : Now, I'm going to stand up, and I want you to hand him to me.

Oooh, it's nail-biting time for Nikki and the other inmates as they watch Helen and Dominic inching towards Zandra. But finally, baby Robbie is safely in Helen's hands and the inmates cheer.

Down in the yard, Karen Betts becomes mistress of the understatement...

Karen : Phew!

But it's not over up on the roof...

Zandra : I don't want to live without him!

Zandra makes a desperate attempt to fling herself off the roof but is stopped in the nick of time by Dominic who pulls her back onto the roof and holds her as she breaks down.

Later, the inmates are rounded up and taken back to their cells, again, Bodybag and Yvonne lock horns...

Yvonne : Night night Sylvia, wake me up when the bar's open.
Bodybag : (Notices the carpet and curtains in Yvonne's cell) Hold on! What's happened in here?
Yvonne : (Bends down to pick up a few specks of dirt from her patch of carpet) Just a few home improvements miss, not a crime is it?
Bodybag : It will be Atkins if I find out you've been doing deals.
Yvonne : That's alright then. (Leans to within kissing distance and looks Bodybag right in the eye) No chance!

Game Atkins, new balls please!

Later, Nikki awaits Helen in the corridor...

Nikki : Helen!

Nice symbolism to show Nikki on the other side of a barred gate, anyway, Helen walks over and asks the obvious question, well, maybe not, the obvious question would be - 'Nikki, why on earth are you wearing that hideous dressing gown? Sean should've burnt that instead of his suit' - but the course of true love never runs smooth and she settles instead for the second most obvious question...

Helen : What are you doing here?

Which is precisely what we were wondering...firstly, how did Nikki get there, and secondly, how did she know that Helen would be emerging from that particular door?

Anyway, Nikki smiles at Helen through the bars...her eyes are those of a woman in love and oh how they give her away...

Nikki : I thought you were absolutely fantastic up on that roof and I'm sorry Helen, I've got to tell you. You're gorgeous; I'm totally in love with you.
Helen : Nikki! (For a moment, it looks like she might reciprocate)
Nikki : There's nothing I can do about it.
Helen : Well I can.

And with that, she walks away leaving Nikki bereft at the gate.

Meanwhile, Shell's decides to give the dog a bone...

Shell : (Putting on butch voice) Hello? Can I speak to Mrs Fenner?

Oooh, and after all that drama, it's probably a good job that it's bedtime...night girls!!!

Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)

Top Dog of the Week
Without a doubt, Helen, for that fab entrance. The nation whooped when she came through that door. Those eyes, that voice, the smile playing on the lips - *swoon*. Owner of the moral high ground for remembering her ethics despite admitting she has feelings for Nikki. She even risks her own neck to talk Zan down from the roof. NB this episode also saw the first appearance of the tongue-sucking puffafish (ask CJ for details *lol*).

Dominic "Action Man" McAllister gets a mention for saving Zandra's life and being a generally nice bloke to her.

Twatting Twat of the week
Stubberfield, for promising Helen's job to Fenner inside 2 minutes, and droning on about his sodding new carpet. Also for standing around watching Zan's rooftop drama - are you meant to be in charge or what? Finally, for bringing in Betts and clearly lining up a team to replace our Helen.

Weedy Pigeon of the week
Zandra - has to suffer Bodybag's presence during labour, and handcuffs afterwards, only to discover that the sprog is clucking. Despite her best efforts to stay clean, she succumbs to the MBU dealer and trades a stash. Although she resists temptation and doesn't use it, she still loses the baby and nearly throws herself off the roof. To be honest, things can only get better for our Zan.

Spin Doctor of the week
Dockley, playing Fenner like a violin and encouraging his suspicions of Nikki.

Worst Girl of the week
The drug dealer who tempts vulnerable Zandra - one of the lower circles of hell is reserved for you.

Best Line of the week
Julie S: She's alright, that Crystal, but she don't half bang her tambourine.

Helen: Morning Jim! / Nice soot!

Hollamby: Get in the car - and keep your legs together!

Worst line of the week
Nikki: You've got your whole life Zandra! *cringe*

Warring faction of the week
Yvonne Atkins and Hollamby. Much to the old Bodybag's disgust, Atkins has curtains and a square of carpet in her cell; plus a great line in threatening sneers.

Sight of the week
Fenner's face when he sees Helen *lol*.

Dominic running to get Helen - what a geek!

Larkhall Miracles & Mysteries
Despite Stubberfield telling Jim that Helen was overdue back from sick leave, Helen's excuse is that her plane was delayed. A foreign holiday or a trip home to bonnie Scotland?

Wet Robin arriving for the last 5 seconds of labour.

Hollamby shedding a tear after being moved by the miracle of childbirth. Does the Bodybag have a heart after all?

Fenner thinking that Nikki had penned the misspelt scrawl received by his wife. Hello?? Is that the same Nikki that is studying for a degree in English Literature?

G Wing cleaners (the Julies) getting to clean up outside the No. 1 Governor's office. And how convenient to find Stubberfield's carpet off-cuts.

Shell getting a mobile phone by having it chucked in over the wall. Just like that.

Shell's roots, during her conversation with Fenner in the officers' room just after Helen's arrival, she hasn't got any, but, during her wind-up of Bodybag on the phone, she's got at least an inch of dark roots showing...even though a week has passed between the scenes, no-one's hair grows that quickly, unless of course she's been washing it in Nikki's 'Baby Bio'.

Helen having sensibly flat shoes to clamber over the roof; and yet distinctly audible heels when leaving Nikki bereft at the gate.

Who is the mysterious 4th girl in the Dorm with Crystal, Denny & Zan?

How did Shell get Fenner's home phone number??

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