Season 2, Episode 1: Tug of Love
Recap by Filbertfox
The eagerly awaited second series starts with a shot of Nikki, peering
out of her cell window and indulging in her favourite pastime - Scottish
totty spotting...The Scot in question doesn't make an appearance and an
extremely crestfallen Nikki slumps onto her bed...The hideous
dressing-gown makes its first appearance of the series, although, it
looks like the horrendous lipstick and earrings have been forsaken.
Anyway, moving on to Dominic who is on his way to see the Wing Governor,
the door opens and...Oh shit! It can't be!!! Can it????
Jim Fenner, Wing Governor??? The world's gone mad!!!
Well, actually, Stubberfield's gone mad, looks like having a gorilla in
a suit (which looks like it's been picked up off the rack at 'C&A' by
the way it hangs off Fenner like a potato sack) was his good idea.
Anyway, the conversation between Stubbsy and Fenner kicks off on the
subject of Helen, who it appears is late back off sick leave. Stubbsy
reckons that she's gone AWOL, Fenner is sympathetic...
Fenner : It's a shame, I feel sorry for her, this job's tough enough
without problems on the home front.
GAH!!! Who is he trying to kid??? Honestly! This guy is greasier than a
Jesus H Christ in a sidecar!! It seems that not content with Fenner
filling the gov's role on a temporary basis, Stubbsy actually wants
Fenner to take the role on full-time!! They obviously didn't employ the
number 1 for his brains.
So, the scene moves to Fenner's house, where his wife Marilyn (who by
the way does a lovely line in cardigans) is collecting the mail, just
then, the phone rings and Mr Oily starts to crow about his imminent
promotion and is in the mood to celebrate...
Fenner : How do you fancy going out for a nice steak tonight?
Blimey Jim, push the boat out why don't you? Anyway seems like our
Marilyn is slightly distracted because she's not exactly enthusiastic,
mind you, married to that ape, can you really blame her??
Back at the prison, Zandra goes into labour in the four-bed dorm...the
alarm bell is rung and guess who is on duty?? Bodybag...oh great, just
the face you want to see looming over you when you're about to give
Meanwhile, Fenner goes to crow to Shell...
Fenner : Who knows, we could be having late night sessions in my new
office, maybe even a little bottle of wine.
Shell : Oooh please.
Fenner : If you don't rock the boat.
After this touching scene, Nikki (moody and magnificent in her blinding
white vest) bumps into Shell...
Nikki : Watch where you're going Dockley!
Shell : Ahhh! Still got the glums because your little guvvy's gone have
ya? Shame she ain't coming back innit?
Shell shoots a significant look in Fenner's direction and leaves Nikki
with a face like she's just been slapped by a wet kipper.
Outside, Bodybag and Dominic are escorting Zandra to a taxi, Bodybag is
belly-aching as usual...
Bodybag : Now, get in the car and keep your legs together!
Back on the wing, Crystal is filling the Julies in on the situation...
Julie S : 'Ere, so who's Zandra got on escort with her?
Crystal : Mr McAllister and old Bodybag.
Julie S : Bodybag?
Julie J : Oh God! Poor Zandra!
Julie S : Oh Christ! Who'd want to go through labour with that old cow
at your bedside?
Crystal tells the Julies that the best way they can help Zandra is by
Julie S : She's alright that Crystal but she don't half bang that
...Just as they reflect on that thought, Yvonne Atkins pops her head out
of her cell and asks the Julies if they fancy making some money...hmmm,
what's she got planned??
At the hospital, there's a bit of an altercation between the midwife and
Bodybag because of Bodybag's refusal to take Zandra's handcuffs off...
Bodybag : This one's a security risk.
Dominic manages to persuade Bodybag to take the cuffs off, she ain't too
happy about it though, especially when Zandra makes it clear that it's
Dominic she wants there and not her...poor Dom seems a bit squeamish
though and goes to wait outside.
Zandra is still going on about Robin, the midwife agrees to try to
contact him for her, again, Bodybag is decidedly pissed off but there
ain't that much she can do about it. The midwife also notices the needle
marks in Zandra's arms and asks her if she's on something, Zandra
insists that they're old marks, but, doesn't look that convinced about
Back at the prison, a significant moment...Fenner opens a drawer in his
desk and notices that Helen has left her lipstick behind...Fenner smiles
like the snake he is and drops the lipstick in the bin...Jesus! Come
back Helen! Come back now!!!
Meanwhile, Yvonne is examining the Julies' handiwork, seems that she's
got them cleaning for her...By the way Yvonne's cell is like an
Aladdin's cave, stuffed full of make-up and bags of 'Nik Naks', hmmmm,
'Nice 'n Spicy' flavour too, looks like Yvonne has at least a miniscule
amount of taste!!
Yvonne is impressed, so impressed that she offers to put the Julies on
her payroll...on the condition that they manage to get hold of some
curtains and 'something soft I can put me feet on'...that's easy Yvonne,
the Julie's heads are about the softest thing you'll find in the
Okay, forget Helen, forget Nikki, there's a new breed of totty in
Larkhall...She's tall, she's elegant, she's blonde, she's...
Karen Betts, aka Claire King...oooooh, someone pass me a bucket of cold
water to put these flames out!!!
Anyway, seems that Karen is actually an old crony of Stubbsy's, he's
been trying to tempt her out of men's prisons (and away from men!!) for
years, and, now that Fenner has been kicked upstairs and into a suit, it
seems that he's on the look out for a new Principal Officer...ooooh, yes
Fenner is asked to join the meeting, and it's clear that him and Karen
have a bit of a history...Oh Shit!!! She's obviously not as intelligent
as she looks then!! Anyway, Fenner is at his oily best and is seemingly
looking forward to working with Karen, let's hope she brought her 'Swarfega'
Back at the hospital, Zandra, predictably is screaming for drugs...
Zandra : Can't you give me something for this pain? It's taking the
Midwife : Do you want me to give you some Pethidin?
Zandra : Anything!!!
Fenner arrives home to a very frosty reception from 'er indoors...turns
out that she's been receiving letters, and the latest one says...
Dear Mrs Fenner,
Your husband is still shagging that killer bitch Shell Dockley.
Don't you care?
Back at the prison, the carpet-fitters have conveniently left a bag of
off-cuts outside Stubberfield's office (oh, he's just had a new carpet
fitted by the way)...of course the Julies, still on the search for
something soft for Yvonne to stand on, nick it, although how they
managed to be outside the number 1's office is beyond me.
At the hospital, it seems that Bodybag is showing her, until now hidden,
human side, she's positively overwhelmed by the prospect of Zandra
giving birth...the old battle-axe has a gooey smile on her face as she
grabs Zandra's hand...
Bodybag : Come on Zandra! Push!
...my God!! Looks like she has a heart after all!!!
Even more incredibly...just as Robin runs into the room for the final
few seconds of childbirth, Bodybag wipes away a tear!!!! Zandra has a
The following morning at the Fenner residence, Marilyn is still giving
Fenner hassle about the letter, Fenner is dismissive, but, obviously
Fenner : When I find the vicious little bitch that's doing this, I'll
have her ghosted out of Larkhall that quick!
Back at the hospital, Zandra and Robin discuss the name of the baby,
Zandra wants Robin (strange Zan, wanting to name the baby after the twat
who dumped you and didn't give a shit when he found out you were
pregnant) but Robin isn't convinced...
Robin : We can't call him Robin, think of all the Batman jokes.
They settle on Robbie in the end...anyway, it transpires that Robin
didn't get married to the woman he dumped Zandra for...also, he seems
determined to stand up to his parents this time...maybe, just maybe,
Zandra might be in for a happy ending.
Fenner has another shock in store for him, guess who's back in town??
Helen : Morning Jim!
Every Simone Lahbib fan in the country heaves a sigh of relief...ooops,
looks like the wind has been well and truly knocked out of Fenner's
Anyway, it turns out that the reason Helen is late back is because of a
delay to her flight...she's back with a vengeance by the way, she orders
him to get the other officers back for a meeting and then steals the
show with a line gifted to her by heaven...
Helen : Nice soot!
Okay okay, I'm not exactly a huge Helen fan, but, now she's finally got
rid of that horrible 'Stewart quiff' I can actually see the
attraction...but, she has got serious competition in the form of Karen
Betts now though...(Filbertfox runs for cover, avoiding the lynching by
Things are not going well at the hospital, the midwife tells Zandra and
Robin that Robbie has been put in the special care unit because he's
withdrawing from the drugs that Zandra had been taking while pregnant.
The midwife tells them that there's nothing to worry about, but it's
obvious that Robin disagrees.
At the prison, Fenner is back in uniform and obviously not too pleased
about it, especially not when Helen makes her first appearance on the
wing since arriving back. Nikki is obviously delighted, Shell's not
though and the two exchange a siginificant moment...
Nikki : Looks like Fenner's been telling you fibs Dockley!
Helen brings more good cheer by informing the inmates about
Robbie...just as she is about to leave the wing, she is collared by
Nikki : Miss Stewart?
Helen : Not now.
Nikki : I need to speak to you Miss.
Helen : When I'm ready.
Helen then leaves the wing, and despite being given a very obvious
brush-off, Nikki returns to her breakfast looking like she's just won
A very pissed off Shell takes Fenner to one side and asks him what's
going on, Fenner explains that he didn't know that Helen was coming back
and then pulls Shell into the officers room for a bit more privacy.
Fenner tells Shell about the letters that Marilyn has been receiving,
Shell, of course, acts all innocent...
Shell : But who? Who'd do that Jim?
Fenner : What, you really can't think? It's obvious isn't it? Wade.
(Wanders over to look at Nikki through the window)
Shell : (Pauses to smile wickedly before joining Fenner by the window)
The evil lezzie bitch! So what did your wife say Jim?
Fenner : She just thinks that some sicko's playing games, that's what I
Shell : She's not giving you a hard time then?
Fenner : Course not, she trusts me doesn't she?
Shell : So what you gonna do about Wade?
Fenner : I dunno, I was gonna put the wind right up her but now her
little friend's back in charge, maybe she'll have enough to crow about
anyway and leave it off.
Shell : No she won't! That'll only make her worse.
Fenner : What? You know her better than me do you?
Shell : No! Just supposing, that's all.
Fenner : Well don't suppose. Hop it, go on.
Shell departs the officers' room leaving Fenner glaring at Nikki through
Up in Stubberfield's office, Helen is receiving a bollocking from the
Fat Controller and receives an official warning for going AWOL.
Stubberfield, (between picking up stray bits of fluff from his new
carpet) also mentions that he's keeping Fenner on the same grade as
Helen and bringing in a new Principal Officer. Blimey! Make it obvious
you don't trust the woman why don't you Simon? Helen, predictably, isn't
that pleased at the news but there's really flop-all she can do about
Back at the hospital, Zandra is also receiving a bollocking from Robin
as they visit Robbie in the special care unit. An extremely upset Zandra
promises to stay off the drugs for good and then says goodbye to baby
Robbie until he's well enough to join her in the Mother and Baby Unit back
in Larkhall. She's also upset to be leaving Robin, but he does promise
to visit every week.
After her confrontation with Stubberfield, Helen decides to bite the
bullet and summons Nikki to her office...
Nikki is still smiling like all her Christmases have come at once, but
Helen has a face like a bag of spanners, so it's obvious that Nikki's in
for a big let-down...
Helen : Take a seat Nikki. I thought we'd better have a talk.
Nikki : Can't believe you're back here. I was really beginning to think
that you'd walked. You must have been through Hell.
Helen : I'm where I want to be now.
Nikki : (Looking concerned) Meaning not back with Sean?
Helen : Hardly.
Nikki : I couldn't believe him turning up like that. Had to mean you'd
chucked him though.
Helen : Nikki I don't want to talk about Sean.
Nikki : Sure. But I'm not wrong about why you couldn't marry him, am I?
Helen : Look, Sean and I were never going to work out. I knew that as
soon as he moved in with me.
Nikki : So nothing to do with what you felt for me? Why can't you tell
me I mean something to you?
Helen : Of course you mean something.
Nikki : Say that again!
Helen : It doesn't matter what the hell I feel, Nikki, you're a prisoner
in my charge; I can't take advantage of you."
Nikki : You wouldn't be!
Helen : Look, while it's my job to lock you up, there's no way we can be
Nikki : Look, wait, I'm not saying any of it's going to be easy, but
it's not impossible is it? Not if we both want to try."
Helen : But that's what I'm trying to say to you, I don't want to try
and pretend that these aren't the facts. Look, how can I do my job when
I'm breaking my own rules? I'm sorry Nikki, but there's no way."
Nikki : (Holding back tears) You obviously care more about your bloody
career than you do about me. I must be mad, course I'm not worth risking
your precious job for, not when you can nip down the garden centre and
pick up another boyfriend. 'Cos that's what you'd rather have, isn't it
Helen? Then you won't be breaking any rules.
Helen : (Beginning to lose her temper) I nearly didn't come back to
this. Look, my back is up against the wall. This is my last chance to do
some good. I want you to help me Nikki.
(Nikki snorts disbelievingly and looks at Helen like she's just grown a
Helen : OK. Go. (Dismisses Nikki with a nod of the head)
(Nikki walks towards the door with a face like thunder, pauses, turns
and glares at Helen like a sulky teenager before leaving, slamming the
door behind her)
Zandra arrives back on the wing and the Julies and Crystal immediately
pounce on her and ask where the baby is, Zandra tells them that Robbie
is 'clucking' (detoxing) and Crystal makes her disapproval obvious.
Zandra also informs them that her and Robin are back together, she's
obviously excited about it but it's plain to see that as far as the
Julies are concerned it'll be tears before bedtime.
At dinner, Shell complains to Denny about Fenner's wife believing his
explanation about the letter she sent...
Shell : What else do I have to tell the stupid cow? What his dick
Denny : Why? Is there something funny about it?
Shell : Nah, bleedin' bog-standard!
Denny, acting like Baldrick to Shell's Blackadder, suggests that she
takes photos of Fenner at it, Shell, for obvious reasons doesn't think
this idea is a goer, but it does give her an idea.
A week or so later and Robbie is finally able to join Zandra in the MBU,
she's obviously trying hard to be the perfect mum and proves this by
turning down a dealer (evil witch!!) who offers her some smack.
Meanwhile, Shell makes a phone call...
Shell : It's me, I need something sent in. A little present for a
dog, geddit? And I mean little!
What on earth is she up to??
Zandra receives a visit from Robin, she expects support, but Robin makes
it obvious that he's unhappy about his baby being brought up inside a
prison and asks Zandra to consider giving him custody while she's
inside. Meanwhile, Zandra notices the dealer who tried to tempt her
earlier receiving a new supply from her visitor, Robin notices this too
but Zandra is adamant that she's clean...It doesn't stop Bodybag
searching Robbie's nappy for contraband before she allows them both back
on the MBU though...
Zandra : You want to have a good sniff don't you?
Bodybag : Don't blame me because we can't trust you Plackett!
Oh dear, it definitely looks like the strain is getting to Zan.
Down in the gardens, Denny stages a fight between two inmates to
distract the screws attention while a package is thrown over the wall.
(Quick point here, notice when Denny checks the time on her watch, it's
a 'Tag Heuer', not exactly the cheapest brand of watch in the
world...how the bloody hell did someone like her afford one?)...Denny
retrieves the package and takes it straight to Shell who opens it
immediately, we then discover that the 'present for a dog' is a mobile
phone (give the dog a bone...geddit?). Anyway, Shell decides to get
stuck in with the mischief right away and decides to wind Bodybag up...
Bodybag : Hello?
Shell : (Puts on posh telephone voice) Is that Mrs Sylvia Hollamby?
Bodybag : Speaking.
Shell : Hello Mrs Hollamby, my name is Penny and I'm ringing from mail
order customer services about your recent order from our catalogue.
Bodybag : What order?
Shell : For a double bed.
Bodybag : What double bed?
Shell : One deluxe double-sized bed, £999.99.
Bodybag : I haven't ordered a double bed.
Shell : It's what it says on my computer.
Bodybag : Look, I'm telling you, I didn't order it, I don't want it!
Shell : Oooh, well it's a bit late to change your mind now Mrs Hollamby,
it'll be loaded up in the depot.
Bodybag : I'm not changing my mind, listen to me! I did not order a
Shell : Oh well, I don't know what to say, leave it with me and I'll try
to get to the bottom of it.
Shell and Denny collapse into frantic belly-chuckles as Shell cuts a
frantic Bodybag off.
Down in the MBU, Zandra is having problems, Robbie is crying all of the
time and she's practically tearing her hair out...so much so, that she
eventually succumbs to temptation and scores some smack. However, she
soon comes to her senses and tries to give it back to the dealer, the
dealer however suspects that Zandra has used some and cut the rest and a
fight breaks out...a screaming Zandra is taken away and Robin is called
in for a conference with her and Helen...
Helen : What you have to understand Zandra is that a place on the
Mother and Baby Unit is a privilege, not a right.
Robin : Why the hell were you fighting?
Zandra : I didn't start it, she was winding me up!
Helen : (To Robin) The other women said that they were fighting about
drugs, when a search was conducted in Zandra's cell we found a small
supply of heroin.
Robin : What?
Zandra : I said I didn't use it! I didn't want it Robin! (Turns to
Helen) I was piss tested clean wasn't I?
Helen : You broke the rules! The other mothers on the unit are up in
arms about this, we'd have to segregate Zandra anyway for her own
protection. Now the problem is, the law won't allow us to lock a baby
into a cell.
Robin : I can't believe you got involved in drugs again!
Zandra : I didn't want to, she pushed them on me! (To Helen) Why don't
you tell him Miss that it wasn't my fault?
Helen : Look, there'll be a case conference now, you might have to hand
your baby out Zandra.
Zandra : What?
Robin : Well obviously if she can't keep Robbie in here then I'm taking
him home with me.
Zandra : No!
Robin : Of course I am Zan!
Zandra : (In tears) But I'm his mother! I want to look after him!
Robin : Well you should've thought about that before.
Zandra : But I didn't do any drugs!
Helen : We all have to think about what's best for the baby, now, if you
and Robin don't make your own arrangements...
Robin : No, I've decided.
Zandra : No!
Robin : You've got nothing to give him Zandra! You can't even
Zandra : That's their fault, if they'd let me stay with him in hospital
my milk wouldn't have dried up!
Robin : There's no point in arguing about this, she'll never be a fit
Zandra : You're not taking him Robin! You weren't there with me the
whole time I was carrying him, so you can piss off now!
Helen : Okay Zandra. (Turns to officer standing in the corner) You can
take her back to the MBU.
Zandra : (As she follows the officer out of the room) You are a shit
Helen : (To officer) And make sure that there's someone there to stay
with her please. (Turns back to Robin) Maybe this was a mistake.
Robin : No. (Stands up) It's made me realise that I'm doing the right
thing, I've already started legal proceedings Miss Stewart, I want sole
custody of my son!
Oh dear, things have well and truly gone pear-shaped for Zandra...although
you can see Robin's point, it's a bit too late for him to be taking the
moral high-ground now, especially as he obviously didn't give a shit
about Zandra being pregnant in the first place.
Zandra, alone and desperate and frantic not to lose Robbie, decides that
if she can't have him then no-one can and wraps him up in blankets
before taking him up on the roof.
The inmates are allowed out for exercise and Zandra calls down to
Crystal from the roof...
Zandra : They tried to steal my baby!
Bodybag, as always, shows the caring face of the Prison Service...
Bodybag : You stupid girl! Get back down!
The officers mobilise, Fenner tells Dominic to call for Helen before he sets off for the roof, despite the situation, Bodybag is
Fenner : Get them all banged-up.
Bodybag : (Even though Fenner is off to the roof to put himself in
danger) Oh right, give me the easy job!
Bodybag tries to get the inmates back into the building but they're
having none of it, all of them shouting up at Zandra to get her down,
even Shell gets in on the act...
Shell : Think about your baby you stupid bitch!
It is unfortunate that right at that moment, Stubberfield arrives with
Karen Betts in tow and witnesses the whole incident.
Up on the roof, Fenner arrives and tries to talk Zandra down...
Fenner : Zandra, it's okay, I just want to talk to you.
Zandra : I don't want to talk. I JUST WANT TO KEEP MY BABY!
Down in the yard, the other inmates are getting desperate...
Julie J : It's alright Zandra, we'll look after you! We'll get it
Crystal : Please come down girl!
Sorry to trivialise all this drama for a moment, but spot the superb
over-acting from the extras in the background.
Back up on the roof...
Zandra : I know what they'll decide! They'll send him out to his
rich, shit dad!
Fenner : Well you're not going to help your case with this sort of
caper. (Gets up and moves towards Zandra) Now come on!
Zandra : Get away from me! (Stands up and moves closer to the edge) Get
Fenner : Okay, okay.
Down in the yard...
Denny : Zandra!
Nikki : You've got your whole life Zandra!!
(Definitely the line which wins most cringeworthy line of the week, the
patented Wade crappy cliché strikes again!)
On the roof...
Fenner : Be fair to your baby, what can you give him in here?
Zandra : The same as I can give him anywhere, I can give him love can't
Fenner : Come on, this is silly.
Over on the other side of the roof, daredevil Dom climbs through a
skylight and proves he isn't just a pretty face with his plan to catch
Zandra in a pincer movement. Meanwhile, Fenner is still quoting from the
'Ladybird Book of How to Handle a Suicidal Prisoner'...
Fenner : Don't kid yourself Zandra, you're not going to jump, not if
you really love your baby.
Helen arrives on the scene and immediately jumps into action...
Helen : I think it's me Zandra's angry with. Isn't that right Zandra?
You think I'm on Robin's side?
Zandra : You want them to take Robbie away from me, don't you?
Helen : Okay, I'm going to put myself on the line too Zandra.
Helen climbs out onto the edge of the roof, and down in the yard you can
hear Nikki's lower jaw hit the floor with a thump when she sees her
beloved inching slowly towards Zandra...
Helen : I tell you what I think about your Robin, I think he's very
like my ex-fiancé to be honest. He's weak, he's weak Zandra but he's
totally sure of himself. Now, he'll use every single advantage that he
has to try to get custody of your baby, but he'll only win if you give
up the fight.
Zandra : Why do you think I'm up here?
Helen : Because you think you've already lost, you haven't. You'll be
out of here next year Zandra, and I promise you, i'll give you all the
help I can to protect your rights as Robbie's mother. But first you've
got to respect his rights.
In the background, a very nervous Dominic can be seen sneaking up on an
oblivious Zandra from behind.
Helen : Now, I'm going to stand up, and I want you to hand him to me.
Oooh, it's nail-biting time for Nikki and the other inmates as they
watch Helen and Dominic inching towards Zandra. But finally, baby Robbie
is safely in Helen's hands and the inmates cheer.
Down in the yard, Karen Betts becomes mistress of the understatement...
Karen : Phew!
But it's not over up on the roof...
Zandra : I don't want to live without him!
Zandra makes a desperate attempt to fling herself off the roof but is
stopped in the nick of time by Dominic who pulls her back onto the roof
and holds her as she breaks down.
Later, the inmates are rounded up and taken back to their cells, again,
Bodybag and Yvonne lock horns...
Yvonne : Night night Sylvia, wake me up when the bar's open.
Bodybag : (Notices the carpet and curtains in Yvonne's cell) Hold on!
What's happened in here?
Yvonne : (Bends down to pick up a few specks of dirt from her patch of
carpet) Just a few home improvements miss, not a crime is it?
Bodybag : It will be Atkins if I find out you've been doing deals.
Yvonne : That's alright then. (Leans to within kissing distance and
looks Bodybag right in the eye) No chance!
Game Atkins, new balls please!
Later, Nikki awaits Helen in the corridor...
Nikki : Helen!
Nice symbolism to show Nikki on the other side of a barred gate, anyway,
Helen walks over and asks the obvious question, well, maybe not, the
obvious question would be - 'Nikki, why on earth are you wearing that
hideous dressing gown? Sean should've burnt that instead of his suit' -
but the course of true love never runs smooth and she settles instead
for the second most obvious question...
Helen : What are you doing here?
Which is precisely what we were wondering...firstly, how did Nikki get
there, and secondly, how did she know that Helen would be emerging from
that particular door?
Anyway, Nikki smiles at Helen through the bars...her eyes are those of a
woman in love and oh how they give her away...
Nikki : I thought you were absolutely fantastic up on that roof and
I'm sorry Helen, I've got to tell you. You're gorgeous; I'm totally in
love with you.
Helen : Nikki! (For a moment, it looks like she might reciprocate)
Nikki : There's nothing I can do about it.
Helen : Well I can.
And with that, she walks away leaving Nikki bereft at the gate.
Meanwhile, Shell's decides to give the dog a bone...
Shell : (Putting on butch voice) Hello? Can I speak to Mrs Fenner?
Oooh, and after all that drama, it's probably a good job that it's
Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)
Top Dog of the Week
Without a doubt, Helen, for that fab entrance. The nation whooped when she
came through that door. Those eyes, that voice, the smile playing on the
lips - *swoon*. Owner of the moral high ground for remembering her
ethics despite admitting she has feelings for Nikki. She even risks her
own neck to talk Zan down from the roof. NB this episode also saw the
first appearance of the tongue-sucking puffafish (ask CJ for details *lol*).
Dominic "Action Man" McAllister gets a mention for saving Zandra's life
and being a generally nice bloke to her.
Twatting Twat of the week
Stubberfield, for promising Helen's job to Fenner inside 2 minutes, and
droning on about his sodding new carpet. Also for standing around
watching Zan's rooftop drama - are you meant to be in charge or what?
Finally, for bringing in Betts and clearly lining up a team to replace
Weedy Pigeon of the week
Zandra - has to suffer Bodybag's presence during labour, and handcuffs
afterwards, only to discover that the sprog is clucking. Despite her
best efforts to stay clean, she succumbs to the MBU dealer and trades a
stash. Although she resists temptation and doesn't use it, she still
loses the baby and nearly throws herself off the roof. To be honest,
things can only get better for our Zan.
Spin Doctor of the week
Dockley, playing Fenner like a violin and encouraging his suspicions
Worst Girl of the week
The drug dealer who tempts vulnerable Zandra - one of the lower circles
of hell is reserved for you.
Best Line of the week
Julie S: She's alright, that Crystal, but she don't half bang her
Helen: Morning Jim! / Nice soot!
Hollamby: Get in the car - and keep your legs together!
Worst line of the week
Nikki: You've got your whole life Zandra! *cringe*
Warring faction of the week
Yvonne Atkins and Hollamby. Much to the old Bodybag's disgust, Atkins
has curtains and a square of carpet in her cell; plus a great line in
Sight of the week
Fenner's face when he sees Helen *lol*.
Dominic running to get Helen - what a geek!
Larkhall Miracles & Mysteries
Despite Stubberfield telling Jim that Helen was overdue back from sick
leave, Helen's excuse is that her plane was delayed. A foreign holiday
or a trip home to bonnie Scotland?
Wet Robin arriving for the last 5 seconds of labour.
Hollamby shedding a tear after being moved by the miracle of childbirth.
Does the Bodybag have a heart after all?
Fenner thinking that Nikki had penned the misspelt scrawl received by
his wife. Hello?? Is that the same Nikki that is studying for a degree
in English Literature?
G Wing cleaners (the Julies) getting to clean up outside the No. 1
Governor's office. And how convenient to find Stubberfield's carpet
Shell getting a mobile phone by having it chucked in over the wall. Just
Shell's roots, during her conversation with Fenner in the officers' room
just after Helen's arrival, she hasn't got any, but, during her wind-up
of Bodybag on the phone, she's got at least an inch of dark roots
showing...even though a week has passed between the scenes, no-one's
hair grows that quickly, unless of course she's been washing it in
Nikki's 'Baby Bio'.
Helen having sensibly flat shoes to clamber over the roof; and yet
distinctly audible heels when leaving Nikki bereft at the gate.
Who is the mysterious 4th girl in the Dorm with Crystal, Denny & Zan?
How did Shell get Fenner's home phone number??
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