Season 2, Episode 13: Oh What a Night!
Recap by Filbertfox and Coops
The most hyped and looked forward to episode in the history of Bad
Girls begins with Dopey Dom on a mission, namely searching for a lost
set of passport photographs...it seems that his passport went missing
the day before and he urgently needs to get another one before going on
holiday the next day.
Meanwhile, Bodybag is making a list of the people she's invited to her
party, Fenner notices that Karen's name isn't on the list and ye olde
Bodybag explains that she's still a bit miffed with the gorgeous one
after being demoted by her...Enter the wonderful and fabulous Karen
Betts who tells Bodybag that security are waiting for the list...Bodybag
shows immediately how spineless she really is by quickly adding Karen's
name to the top of the list.
We then see Nikki on the phone...
Nikki : Hi Trish, it's me...I need a favour darlin', cash...three
grand in two lots and I need it in a hurry.
Just what is she planning??
Just across the landing, Bodybag informs Yvonne that the inter-prison
visit for her and Charlie has been approved...
Bodybag : I hope you appreciate how many prison officers it takes to
give you and your gangster husband this treat.
Yvonne : Is that your Basic-grade prison officer like yourself Sylvia?
Bodybag : (Points finger threateningly to cut Yvonne off) Don't push it
After this exchange, Bodybag lumbers away and Dockley decides to put her
Shell : Ain't you told your old man to sling 'is hook yet?
Yvonne : Eh?
Shell : Well I would if he'd done the dirty on me.
Yvonne : It's called love, you don't break up a marriage on the say so
of a tart.
Shell : She seemed to know him pretty well, especially when she said
about that scar.
Yvonne : You'll have a scar if you don't piss off!
Cut to Nikki in her cell, taking off the bandage on her hand...she then
takes a phonecard out of her pocket and uses it to open up the wound
left by the weeding-fork in the previous episode...ten out of ten for
Nikki then goes to show the blood to Di Barker who takes her straight
along to the hospital wing.
Meanwhile, Fenner catches up with Helen in the corridor...
Fenner : Hello Helen.
Helen : Jim.
Fenner : I hear you've got a promotion board coming up.
Helen : Been playing golf again with the number one?
Fenner : I have to say, he's not too keen about your plan to turn G-Wing
into a Lifers' Unit.
Helen : Really?
Fenner : You know it's not going to happen.
Helen : Oh it will Jim, if I want it to.
Whatcha gonna do Helen? Scweam and scweam and scweam until you're
Anyway, this conversation is brought to an abrupt halt when Di Barker
leads Nikki past...cue soppy music, Nikki cradling her hand while
looking at Helen beseechingly like the 'Andrex' puppy, and Helen looking
back at Nikki and literally dripping with concern...unwise move seeing
as Fenner is hanging around in the background like a pantomime
Fenner : Looks like it'll be a while before she gets it up for you
Nikki is taken up to the hospital wing and is seen by Janine (the agency
nurse who Nikki spoke to in episode 12)...her reasons behind her phone
call to Trish and her self-mutilation now become clear...
Nikki : If you want to be in Australia with your boyfriend by next
week I can get you the cash.
Janine : What?
Nikki : What you said, three grand, I can get it for you, for a favour
Janine : What do you mean?
Nikki : I need to get out of here for one night, you going to help me?
Janine : You're crazy!
Nikki : No I'm not, look, this screw's party tomorrow night couldn't be
a better time because the night patrol will all want their turn for a
free drink. You offer to cover for them, they'll love you.
Janine : And you get out and you're never seen again?
Nikki : I can't afford to leg it! I've got my lawyer applying for my
appeal! All I need is just this one night.
Janine : I should report you right now for talking like this.
Nikki : Three thousand quid?
Okay, so it all becomes clear now...but will Janine be up for it???
The Julies and Shell look on bemused as Yvonne demonstrates how they
will sew a plastic bag into their trousers in order to obtain leftover
alcohol at the party. How desperate for a drink is she?
Later, Barbara and Nikki talk about Nikki's failure to make the Lifer's
meeting (hence to her plotting with Janine and self-mutilation with a phonecard). Babs points out that it's Friday and that Nikki now won't
get to see Helen until the following week...
Nikki : Not necessarily.
Babs, unsurprisingly, looks intrigued.
This scene is interrupted when Bodybag pops up to take Yvonne for her
visit with 'my Charlie'...the camera pans back to an aghast Babs...
Barbara : Please tell me you're joking.
Nikki : It's been done before.
Barbara : Nikki, they are not going to leave an agency nurse in charge
of the night patrol, I don't believe it.
Nikki : I thought you'd've known by now...what screws ought to do and
what they get away with...it's criminal.
Yvonne is waiting for her visit with Charlie, Bodybag is impatient that
they're being kept waiting and reaches for her walkie-talkie...
Bodybag : Hello gate? This is Zulu.
Prime opportunity for a witty riposte from Yvonne, but she seems
preoccupied, maybe the waiting is getting to her too...anyway, Bodybag
listens for a reply, gets one, and then turns to Yvonne...
Yvonne : What?
Bodybag : (Opens door) Out you go. (Turns to officer standing outside
the door) She's going back to the wing.
Yvonne : What do you mean?
Bodybag : Your husband isn't coming.
Yvonne : Is this some sort of joke right?
Bodybag : He says he doesn't want to see you again, and that's from the
Yvonne : Don't you bloody tell me that!
Bodybag : Well don't blame me!
Yvonne : (Shoots out of seat and sweeps plastic mug off the table)
You're a lying cow!
Bodybag : Now come on, don't start!
Yvonne : (Now crying & extremely pissed off) My Charlie wouldn't do this
to me! He just wouldn't! (Breaks down into tears)
Bodybag : (Looks on...my God! Is that sympathy??) Let's get you a cup of
Right...gratuitous fawning over Linda Henry's acting skills now coming
Firstly, she manages to exude extreme menace when Bodybag takes the call
which switches immediately to disbelief and then to grief...and even
when completely breaking down in tears, she manages to convey such a
huge amount of dignity...what can I say?? The woman is just class!!!
Have to say though...this puts me in mind of the time when Maggie
Thatcher was finally given her marching orders and sent packing from
number 10...she was the last person anyone expected to see in
tears...the effect is very much the same here.
The following morning, it's the day of Crystal's release and the Julies
present her with her last serving of porridge ala Larkhall...
Julie S : Get this down ya!
Crystal : Oh, not porridge!
Julie S : You've gotta have your last porridge.
Julie J : Yeah, you've gotta.
Julie S : 'Cause you know what they say?
Julie J : You'll be back to eat it another day!
Crystal tells the Julies that her parole officer has got her a place in
a hostel...Dominic interrupts and tells Crystal that her release has
been delayed because of a problem with her travel warrant. Crystal takes
it in good heart, but probably because she's worried about whether or
not Josh will be turning up to meet her.
Meanwhile up on G3, Fenner decides to stick the boot in by going to
smarm over an obviously heart-broken Yvonne...
Fenner : Looking a bit down in the mouth today Atkins. Oh, of course,
your old man's dumped you hasn't he? Shame, another woman was it?
Yvonne : Piss off Fenner!
Fenner : Not Renee Williams by any chance.
Yvonne : And look what happened to her.
Fenner : And to think you tried to rub her old man out for them. That's
life eh? (horrible slimy grin splits his ugly features)
The look on Yvonne's face when Fenner leaves tells a thousand
stories...if looks could kill, Principal Officer Fenner would be lying
there dead as a bleedin' Dodo.
Down in the officers' room, Di Barking fawns over Dominic in a
sickening, cringeworthy manner while she shows him the carriage clock
that she's got for Bodybag's anniversary present. Crystal pops her head
around the door, wondering what the hold up with her release is...
Crystal : I wanna know what's going on 'cause this is just takin' the
Di is sympathetic and offers Crystal a cup of tea...
Di : How do you take it?
Crystal : Half milk, three sugars.
My God!! Has she got any teeth left???
Anyway, while Di potters around making Crystal a cup of tea flavoured
syrup, Crystal spots the carriage clock...oh no...she doesn't, does she?
Out in the corridor, Shell catches up with Karen (who by the way looks
absolutely gorgeous...can you see a pattern forming here??) and tells
her that Social Services have been in touch with her...apparently, the
foster parents who have been looking after her kids want to adopt
Karen : Well are you happy with that?
Shell : They sound nice. (cut to Karen smiling swoooooon) I can't thank
you enough Miss for what you done for me...none of it's got out
about...well you know...you never said nuffing did ya?
Karen : I told you I wouldn't.
Shell : Ain't many screws stick by what they say.
It's time for Crystal's release and all of the inmates gather to say
goodbye, wish her all the best and impart words of wisdom...
Julie S : Now remember, don't look back when you get out the gate.
Julie J : 'Cause you know what they say.
Julie S : You'll be back another day!
Crystal : (Gives Denny a piece of paper) That's the address of my
hostel, that's if you want to write to me.
Denny : Give us a hug then? (Hugs Crystal) You stay safe man!
Crystal : You too.
Shaz : Have fun.
Julie J : Take care of yourself love. (Kisses Crystal on the cheek)
Julie S : Be lucky yeah? (Kisses Crystal on the other cheek) Keep yer 'ead
Crystal walks through the wing and encounters Babs.
Barbara : You're finally off then?
Crystal : Yep.
Barbara : (Kisses Crystal) I'll miss you in the chapel.
Crystal : You'll have to convert these heathens on your own now!
Walks a bit further and is stopped by Nikki.
Nikki : Take care of yourself Crystal, we'll never forget what you
did for Zandra.
Crystal receives another smacker from Nikki (if I was Crystal I'd never
wash that cheek again!!) and then Bodybag decides she can't last a
minute longer without putting a dampener on...
Bodybag: Right, come on! (Turns to Di) Get her out before something
else goes wrong!
Crystal : (Huge grin on her face) Nice knowing you too Miss!
Yvonne : (Appears out of nowhere) Bye Crystaaal! Keep on strumming!
A bit further down, she encounters Shell on the stairs.
Shell : Don't do nuffing we wouldn't eh?
Crystal and Shell stare at each other cagily for a second before Shell
smiles slightly...my God!! Don't tell us the Mistress of Evil is getting
sentimental in her old age!!!
Finally, the charabanc reaches the gate to the wing, and everyone
assembles to wave goodbye.
Crystal is allowed out of the prison gates but Josh isn't there to meet
her...poor soul...it looks like she ain't gonna get that happy ending
Later that evening, Janine arrives on the wing with her trolley, she
makes a beeline for Nikki's cell and gives her a box containing her
disguise and some last minute instructions...so, the escape attempt is
Out on the landing, Di Barking notices that the red-bands (namely
Yvonne, the Julies and Shell...honestly! Red-bands are supposed to be
trusted inmates, would you honestly trust them as far as you could throw
them???) who will be serving drinks at Bodybag's party are all wearing
baggy tracksuit bottoms...
Di : You lot look like you're going to the gym!
Julie J : What about you Miss? Are you wearing something nice?
Di : I had to buy a new dress.
Julie S : Sexy is it Miss?
Di : You saying I can't do sexy?
Oh please! Di Barking sexy? There's about much chance of Accrington
Stanley winning the FA Cup this year!!!
The rest of the inmates are locked up for the night, Fenner comes across
Fenner : Come on Barbara Cartland, bedtime!
...and shepherds her back to her cell just as Janine is leaving...
Fenner : Hope you're going to be good girls tonight.
Nikki : Wouldn't want to spoil your fun, would we Fenner?
Fenner : Don't even think about it!
Barbara : (Watches Fenner close the cell door) What do you want to goad
Nikki : Because he expects me to! (Puts her book down). You might want
to turn away.
Nikki then makes it look like she is asleep in her bed by stuffing
clothes under the blankets and by leaving a dark-haired wig on the
pillow. (By the way, spot the moment when Nikki bends down and displays
a serious case of 'builder's bum'!!)
Meanwhile, Babs hangs around in the background like a wet weekend in
Barbara : Are you sure I can't talk you out of this?
It's party time...and Karen Betts leads the (sarcastic?) applause when
Bodybag turns up in a ball gown that makes her look like a deformed
fairy...she has Bobby in tow and we finally learn that the master of the
'Braised Meatballs' is actually a gnome with the most amazing sideburns
in British drama.
Bobby : Right! Where's this Karen Betts? I want to sort her out
before the night gets going.
Bodybag : No Bobby! I don't want any trouble! (Looks around the room and
spots Karen) There she is.
Bodybag leads Bobby off to talk to Karen...the look on Bodybag's face is
a classic, she honestly thinks that Bobby is going to defend her honour
and give Karen a severe reprimand about the demotion incident.
Bobby : I'm not saying it's easy running a prison wing but it seems
to me that you were a bit hasty in demoting my wife here.
Karen : Well, you would say that, wouldn't you?
Classic put-down from the gorgeous Miss Betts there, she leaves a very
shown up Bodybag in her wake...
Bodybag : That's her well and truly sorted!
Bobby : I'm just priming my musket Sylv.
Dom arrives, and Di's across the room like a whippet, showing a bit of
flesh in a little black dress. When he tries to escape to the bar, she
downs her wine in one and asks for another. Nothing if not determined.
Meanwhile, Karen is cornered by Bobby...
Bobby : Maybe you'll do me the honour later on, a dance.
Karen : Well, only if you get Sylvia's blessing.
Fenner : (Wanders over with a drink for Karen) Saw you were in need.
Karen : (Taking the drink) Thanks Jim.
Bobby : Sylvia told me that you two had kissed and made up.
Fenner : (Smiling like the toad he is) Oh, we've definitely done that.
Bobby : I'll find you later Karen. (Leaves.)
Karen : Do you have to be so obvious?
Fenner : Sorry?
Karen : Oh yes, we've definitely done that!
Excuse me, but what does a delectably delicious woman like Karen see in
a twat like Fenner who obviously can't even be bothered to change out of
Anyway, across the room, this exchange between Karen and Fenner has not
Yvonne : 'Ere, I thought you said that Betts was alright?
Shell : She is, best governor we've had.
Yvonne : Yeah? Well what's she doing all over that slimy bastard then?
Shell : Miss Betts wouldn't touch Fenner!
Yvonne : I'd say she was shagging him!
The band starts playing ('Living Doll' Yuk!!) and Bodybag leads Bobby
onto the floor to show off their 'Come Dancing' skills, Yvonne comes up
with yet another cunning plan...
Yvonne : 'Ere, I thought we'd give old Bodybag a present for her
Julie S : Eh?
Julie J : I'm not giving that old cow nuffing!
Yvonne : That's a pity, I was gonna slip her an 'E'!
Shell : What a whole one? She'll go up like a soddin' rocket!
Karen turns up then and moves our happy band along...Shell manages to
grab Karen before she returns to Fenner...
Shell : I know I done a lot of bad things in my life, but you know I
never lied to you about Mr Fenner.
Karen : What's brought all this on?
Shell : He did hit me Miss, you know he did.
Well done Shell!! The seeds of doubt have well and truly been sown now!!
Let's hope Karen takes the hint and doesn't allow that slimy git
anywhere near her bed tonight.
WARNING!! Gratuitous Di Barking moment with cringe factor ten!!!
Dominic, still unable to escape the attentions of the woman who
seriously is as mad as a fish...is forced to dance with her, anyway, Di
takes exception to Dom's half-hearted attempt at dancing...
Di : Come on! What are you waiting for? (Does a twirl and pursues a
frightened Dominic onto the dance floor)
Dominic : I'm not a very good dancer.
Di : You just have to wriggle your body!
Fortunately for Dom, the dress can't take the strain, and one of her
shoulder straps breaks, nearly exposing more flesh than Judy Finnegan at
a certain TV award ceremony.
Di : Oh God! I best go and get this fixed.
Dominic : (Pissing himself laughing) Well you said you wanted to show a
bit of flesh!
Julie J finally gets her revenge on Bodybag by being the one to serve
her with the 'E' spiked glass of wine...Bodybag knocks it back in one.
Back on the wing, the guard in charge of the night patrol hands Janine
the keys before going off in search of free booze.
Meanwhile, Nikki is checking her reflection...pause to spit out the
mouthful of coffee I was in the process of drinking...the sight of Nikki
in a blonde wig is just...well...let's just say that it's on a par with
a nuclear explosion for shock value. Anyway, Nikki decides to get
Nikki : Well?
Barbara : They say blondes have more fun.
Nikki : Will I do?
Barbara : I bloody well hope so! (Hears footsteps outside the cell and
ducks under the covers) I'm asleep!
Janine arrives then and leads Nikki out of the wing...we see that their
departure is caught on the security cameras...will this prove fatal next
Nikki is left outside the locker room where she goes to get Janine's
coat...just as she is about to leave, Di Barking turns up to repair her
broken dress strap...Nikki manages to hide her face in the nick of time,
but you can see by the look on her face that she's obviously just
crapped herself on the spot!!!
Di, completely oblivious to the fact that an escape attempt is in
progress, carries on regardless while Nikki flees.
Nikki arrives at the gate. She's looking like a rabbit caught in
headlights, but the gate officer is full of bonhomie and beer...
Guard : Sorry sweetheart, what's your name?
Nikki : Ford.
Guard : You're not on the list, what time did you come in at?
Nikki : Twelve-thirty.
Guard : Twelve-thirty? (Looks down at clipboard) I'll fill you in.
Nikki : Can I go now?
Guard : Not unless you want to sleep the night.
Nikki, obviously not quite believing her luck, is let out into the
night...you half expect her to raise her hand in the air and shout
'FREEDOM!' ala Mel Gibson in 'Braveheart'.
Back at the party it's time for the presentation.
We can see by Bodybag's facial expressions and the way she's fidgeting
about like she's got ants in her pants that the 'disco biscuit' is
Bobby : You all know Sylvia as a trusted and hard-working colleague
who's given her life to the prison service...
Cut to Karen Betts who is obviously appreciating the immense irony in
Bobby : ...but I know her as a wife and a mother to our three
children - Constance, Gail and little Bobby Darren...
Cut to Shell, Yvonne, the Julies and Dawn (DAWN!!!) who are practically
wetting themselves as they listen to this...
Bobby : ...and she is the best, so, here's to the next thirty.
Hilarity rules here as Bobby kisses Bodybag on the cheek...cue brilliant
coy facial expression from Bodybag. (Top acting Helen Fraser!!!)
Karen steps up onto the stage to make the presentation and Bodybag
practically grabs the gift from her hands and rips the paper off in
World Record time to reveal the box which we assume contains the
carriage clock...but, when Bodybag opens the box and pulls out a
Karen : Is this someone's idea of a joke?
Bobby : Well it's not very funny if it is.
Karen : What's going on Di?
(Di shrugs, totally aghast)
Bodybag : Well, never mind it now, let's have another dance! (Turns to
the band) Something from the fifties boys! (Grabs Bobby's hand) Come on
Bodybag erupts onto the dance floor like a force ten hurricane and is
soon jigging away like a demented buffalo. Angela Rippon she ain't.
Outside, Nikki, now sans the wig from hell catches a bus...as the bus
pulls away, we see her grinning out of the back window, finally knowing
that she's got away with it...Have to say though, didn't we just know
that of all of the seats on the bus Nikki chooses the one at the
back...what a rebel huh??
Alone and bored in her room at the hostel, Crystal decides to go out and
hit the town...and as she leaves, we see that she did indeed pinch the
clock...you tea-leaf Crystaaaaal!!!
Back at the party, Bodybag is still giving it some wellie on the
dancefloor. We can see that Bobby can't stand the pace she's keeping up
by the way he collapses in a chair at the end of the dance...Fenner,
meanwhile, hands Bodybag a pint of water and she swills it down in true
Fenner : We'll have another whip-round, make sure you get your clock
Bodybag : Oh forget it, it's just a daft gift! We've got a dozen clocks
at home haven't we Bobby? (Grabs hold of Bobby as the music starts
again) me on! Don't sit!
Fenner : Christ almighty!
Over at the bar, the gang are in the midst of huge belly-chuckles as
they watch Bodybag and Bobby tango around the floor...
Yvonne : 'Ere, can you imagine her on Viagra?
Fenner seems hell-bent on getting the fair Miss Betts drunk so he can
have his wicked way with her...
Fenner : (To Shell) Another glass of red for Miss Betts.
Karen : I wish you'd stop topping me up Jim I'm losing count.
Shell : That's four now Miss. (Turns to Fenner) Ain't that right Mr
Karen : (Puts glass back on tray) For God's sake!
Fenner : Relax! Let's have a dance.
Karen : No!
Fenner : What? You're not even going to dance with me?
Karen : Didn't you hear me?
Fenner : Fine! I'll go and prop up the bar then!
Cut to Shell grinning evilly...
Back outside, Nikki reaches Helen's house and rings the doorbell...
Helen : (Gasps and looks like she's about to throw up all over the
door-step) Nikki! What the f...
Nikki : I've got to talk to you.
Helen : No! No! (Slams the door in Nikki's face)
Nikki : Helen! (Banging on the door) For Christ's sake! Let me in!
...Cut to Helen standing in the hallway and wondering what the hell
she's going to do with an escaped cop killer on her doorstep...let's
just hope she's not thinking, 'Shit! I knew I should've shaved my legs
NIkki : Look it's okay, no one knows I'm here, it's only for tonight!
...we see Helen staring at the phone...she isn't...is she??
ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!! Millions of frustrated women around the country howl
in unison when the scene cuts back to Bodybag on the dance floor.
It's not all bad...hilarious scene where Bodybag returns from another
dance and looks for all the world like she's going to snog Di
Di : Sylv, I'm really sorry about your clock.
Bodybag : (Still hanging around Di's neck) What's a clock between
friends? 'Cause that's what we are, all of us who work in this dump,
we're family! (Kisses Di on the cheek again)
Di : Oh that's a lovely thing to say.
Bodybag : (Grabs Di's hands) Come on, let's have a boogie!
Meanwhile, Shell comes across Fenner at the bar and decides to stick the
Shell : Not speaking to Miss Betts no more?
Fenner : Shut it!
Shell : She can see right through you!
Fenner : Oh yeah? Is that why she's invited me back to her place
Shell : Hah! A prick like you? You must be joking?
Fenner : Am I?
Back at the love-nest...Helen's front-door is taking a right
Nikki : If you don't let me in I'm going to smash the bloody window!
I've got to see you!
Helen relents and opens the front-door...
For f**k's sake!!! Are they doing this on purpose?? The scene switches
again, this time to a grotty greasy spoon where Crystal is mooning over
a plate of chips...
Then back to the party...
After the dance has finished, Di looks fit to collapse...
Di : I'm knackered!
Bodybag : Honestly! The youth of today! No stamina! (Sees Bobby sitting
on a nearby chair) Don't you abandon me.
Bobby : Just one drink.
Bodybag : Come on! If I can do it...
Bobby : It's not a competition.
Bodybag : But this is our night. Get up!
Bobby : I'm exhausted!
Bodybag : Well that's nothing new.
Bobby : Sylvia!
Bodybag : There's always some excuse...too tired, sore back. (Looks
around and realises that she's got an audience) He says it's carrying
the coffins, I think it's something wrong in the waterworks department
if you know what I mean.
Bobby : That's enough Sylvia.
Bodybag : I don't know why I waste my time with you! (Wanders off and
then spots Dominic) You! (Grabs Dominic and pulls him onto the dance
floor by his tie) You, you haven't danced all night!
Dominic : (Being practically strangled by Bodybag who is hanging off his
neck and covering him in kisses) I don't really...
Enter Bobby to the rescue...
Bobby : Right that's it! I'm taking you home to sleep it off.
Bodybag : Get lost! (Starts kissing Dominic's neck)
Bobby : I mean it! You're making a fool of yourself, people are
Bodybag : Yes, at you!
Dominic : (Manages to extricate himself) I'll leave you two to it.
Bobby : I'm leaving, if you don't come with me right now I'll lock you
Her response? A V-sign practically up his nostrils. Bobby takes this as
his sign to leave.
AT LAST!!! Back at Helen's...
Helen : Nikki, I am an employee of the Home Office, do you have any
WARNING!! Gratuitous fawning over Mandana Jones follows...
How can someone manage to smoulder in a nurse's uniform?? We don't know
but she achieves it, and the voice too...low, sexy and...Gawd!! You just
know that if you were Helen you'd be flat out on the floor, legs open
and begging her to take you right there and then...
Nikki : Don't worry, I'm not going to get caught.
Helen : You're completely mad!!
[Cut to millions of BG fans around the country screaming at the TV
screen... 'Just bloody well do it!!!]
Nikki : (Grabs Helen's arms) I love you...
...And she says it with such meaning that you just faint on the floor in
a gibbering heap...anyway, it elicits a bit of a moan from Helen.
Nikki : ...when I thought I'd pissed you off I didn't know how I
could live, and then I got this chance, I just want to make the most of
it. We've got a whole night together.
Helen : (Between gasps and heavy breathing manages to find the strength
to push Nikki away) No Nikki, this is not the way.
Nikki : (Grabs Helen again) Tell me you love me.
All that pent-up passion finally erupts in a snog fest and we finally
understand why they put Nikki in a nurse's uniform, for the express
reason of Helen being able to rip it open and have her wicked way and...
Oh shit! We're back at the party again...
Anyway, just a quick word about that scene...have to say, superb acting
by our two leading ladies...everything was there, the intense look on
Nikki's face, the little moans from Helen...and the gasp she makes when
she rips Nikki's uniform open was definitely worth paying the TV licence
So, back to Larkhall before I get too carried away...
We're down to the last dregs and our girls are gathering together to
collect their spoils...namely all of the half finished drinks that are
lined up on a table.
An ecstatic Di arranges to share a taxi home with Dominic before a very
wobbly looking Bodybag staggers out of the loos and stands there on the
deserted dance floor looking like something out of a Greek tragedy.
Karen catches up with Fenner at the bar and makes it pretty obvious that
he's not going to have his evil way with her because she's going to make
sure Bodybag gets home alright, Fenner, predictably, is a bit pissed off
Fenner : Well sod you Karen!
Over the other side of the room, the gang are filling their 'pouches'
with the leftovers but are interrupted by Bodybag who takes great
exception to Karen's attempt to take her home, staggers away and ends up
falling arse over tit bringing the table down with her...
Yvonne : Oh shit!
Both Julie : Our slops!
Julie S : I hope she bloody 'urt 'erself!
Karen manages to pick Bodybag up, the poor woman is now awash in a flood
Bodybag : Bobby! Where's my Bobby?
Considering the fact that one of the women involved has been locked up
and sex-starved for years, this really must be the quickest shag in
history...so much for 'all night long' eh Nik???
Helen : Sssh (Kisses a tearful Nikki on the forehead) It's alright
sweetheart, I'm here.
Okay, so now we're all wondering if Nikki's performance wasn't quite up
Nikki : I'm so happy.
Helen : You're so amazing.
Nikki : So are you...
Phew...it turns out that the post-coital moment is too much and the
gorgeous guv comforts the tearful Lifer (I should write headlines for
Nikki : ...I've imagined this so many times. I can't believe I've
really got you, everything's possible now, the whole future.
Helen : Nikki...sweetheart you know I've got to get you back to Larkhall.
Nikki : What?
Helen : Now, before anyone notices that you've gone.
Nikki : Don't be stupid, I can't go back there until the morning
shift...think about it.
Helen : (Thinks for a minute) Shit! (Rolls away from Nikki)
Incredibly stupid moment happens when Helen spots a letter on her
bedside table...for obviousness of plot this one ranks up there with
Monica's pill counting frenzy in series one.
Nikki : (Snuggles up to Helen's back) Come here!
Awwwwww...I defy anyone not to melt when Nikki kisses Helen's back.
Anyway, Helen panics and stuffs the letter down by the side of the
phone. Helen fans will note here that the presence of the phone hides
what could be a revealing moment in the breast area.
Nikki : (Sits up when she realises something is amiss) What's that?
Helen : (Reaches for the letter) It's a letter from your solicitor. I'm
sorry sweetheart, its bad news.
They cuddle up to read the letter.
Outside, Dominic and Di are cosied up in the back of a taxi...Di gets
out and it's pretty obvious that she's bottled out of asking Dom in for
a coffee...Di does a bit of a dithering routine on the doorstep, and Dom
gets out of the taxi to see what's wrong...
Di manages to pluck up enough courage to ask Dom in for a coffee but
then we hear her bed-ridden mother shouting in the background and Dom
cries off...Poor Di, she was that close to getting him into her clutches
Di storms into the house and attempts to go upstairs...
Di's mum : Di! I've wet myself!
Di : (Impatiently) Yes! In a minute.
She finds solace in her bedroom, which can only be described as a
McAllister shrine. His missing passport and photos, some snatched photos
of him at or leaving work, his name badge, even one of his biker gloves
- all are collected on her dressing table. On the mirror his name is
spelled out in red capitals. Lock up your bunny Dom!!!...it seriously
looks like Dominic had a lucky escape and I'm sure I'm not the only one
who was wondering what his fate might have been if he'd actually gone
into the house...
When we leave Di she's sitting there holding his leather biker glove to
her face with a very spooky look on her face....there you go, we knew
she was a psycho really!!!!!
Yvonne's back in her cell, and dips a mug into her trouser stash. Wiping
it carefully with a tissue, she turns and before a drop passes her lips,
she spots the photo of Charlie pinned over her bed and throws the booze
over it. Bet she always had to sleep in the wet patch anyway.
Outside, Crystal returns from her 'night on the town' only to find that
the hostel is locked up for the night...salvation arrives in the form of
Josh, apparently Denny sent him a message on his mobile. They talk for a
while and then Crystal shows Josh her necklace, she's been wearing his
engagement ring round her neck...
Josh : So, you coming back to my place?
Crystal : Looks like I got no choice innit?
They hug then and walk of into the sunset..awwww at least we got one
happy ending out of the series.
Back at Helen's place, Helen and Nikki are now in the living room, both
in dressing gowns and sharing a bottle of Stoli...bloody hell, it must
be love if Helen's prepared to share her precious vodka...
Helen : It's not the end of the line, it's not! Claire says she's
going to go right ahead and apply to the Criminal Cases Review
Commission, she's going to come in and see you about it next week.
You're not going to give up!
Nikki : You're kidding? No way!
Helen : Well good, because neither am I...I love you Nikki.
[AT LAST! WHOOPS ARE HEARD UP AND DOWN THE LAND... A LESBIAN IN DUNDEE
FAINTS AT HEARING THOSE WORDS FROM THOSE LIPS...Well we have waited for
over 19 hours spread across 2 years]
Nikki : Enough to give everything up for me?
Helen : You know how much.
Nikki : I'm not going back to that prison Helen. Not after this, this is
my last chance now, if I go back now I just know that I'm going to be
there until I'm bloody fifty! You won't wait that long for me.
Helen : Nikki, it won't be that long. If the CCRC takes up your case...
Nikki : If, if, if...what if they don't? Do you really think I could
handle that? 'Cause I just know that after everything we've been through
this week I'd go totally mad. We've got to run for it. Tonight.
Helen : (Beginning to panic) Nikki, you are talking absolute crap!
Nikki : I can get a passport, Trish will help me.
Helen : We are not going on the run!
Nikki : No, no of course that would be stupid, I'll go on ahead, I can
be out of the country before they even miss me...San Francisco, and when
the heat's off you can come out and join me.
Helen : Nikki...
Nikki : If you love me enough.
Helen : What kind of life would that be for us?
Nikki : Better than if we wait for bloody justice. Its true Helen, you
know it is.
Helen : No! (Gets up and walks across the room) No, no, no it isn't!
Don't even think about this it is not an option!
Nikki : (Gets up to walk across to Helen, note the very impressive
wobble!!) It's the only one we've got! Say you'll do it!
Helen : I can't...I can't.
Nikki : Yes you can! You will...I've gotta go now.
Helen : No Nikki.
Nikki : I'll tell you where I am, I'll wait for you.
Helen : No.
Nikki : I've got to go, I need a cab...you got a number? Darling please,
Helen : Okay, go and get ready.
Nikki leaves the room, and Helen...Helen turns around and looks at the
phone...no...DON'T DO IT HELEN!!! She picks up the phone...she dials
'999'...she starts to cry and we hear the operator say...
Operator : Emergency, which service?
We're all sitting there, holding our breath, will she? Won't she? We
look up at the clock, only minutes to go until the end of the episode
Meanwhile, back at Larkhall...
Fenner climbs the stairs and lets himself into Shell's cell...
Fenner : Right, that's it, bedtime.
Shell : Jim.
Fenner : What?
Shell : I miss ya.
Fenner : Yeah? Well you blew it.
Shell : You're gonna sleep with Betts tonight ain't ya? Can't I just
have a little kiss? I know it don't mean anything to ya, not now you're
They get on to the bed and start kissing, and in 'Basic Instinct' style,
Shell reaches under the mattress and pulls out an ice-pick...well, a
broken bottle actually...
And...that's all folks!!!!
Oh my God!! How the frig can they leave it like that???
Will Helen call for the Police?
Will Shell stab Fenner?
Will we wake up in the shower tomorrow and find out that the whole
series has been a dream?
And, most importantly, how are we going to survive until the next
Awards (by Helwader and Filbertfox)
Top Dog of the Week
Bodybag for sheer entertainment value, the dress, the facial expressions,
the dancing... I can honestly say I was crying uncontrollably last
night; the tears of laughter were running down my face. So all credit to
Helen Fraser... top acting last night.
Twatting Twat of the week
Fenner, for acting like a spoilt brat when Karen doesn't let him have
his own way, and just for being an all round 'prick' (as Shell would
Helen for dialling 999, how could she?
Weedy Pigeon of the week
This one goes to poor old Bobby. He is shown up by his wife at the
party, had his 'manhood' questioned, and been laughed at by all the
guests. And WHAT is that growing down the sides of his face?? *lol*
Looks like he is in the wrong bloody century.
Spin Doctor of the week
Shell gets this one I reckon for getting her own back on Fenner by
warning Karen off him. It's good to see her getting back to her evil
self again. And then luring him into her cell only to give him what he
truly deserves...I hope. *g*
Worst Girl of the week
Fenner, for no other reason than that he is a sleazy, manipulative, cheating,
vicious, slimy bastard.
Best Line of the week
Yvonne: " 'Ere, can you imagine 'er on Viagra?" *lol*
Bobby: "I'm just priming my musket, Sylv."
Maybe he should prime his 'musket' more at home. Poor old Bodybag isn't
getting enough love and affection from Bobby methinks. Maybe he should
do his famous meatballs again to put a spark back into the relationship.
Bodybag into walkie talkie: "Hello gate, this is Zulu."
Shell on giving BB an E: She'll go up like a soddin' rocket!
Bodybag: "I want my Bobby!"
But the best line of course has to be those sacred words we have waited
so long to hear from Helen:
"I love you Nikki."
A nation cheers!
Worst line of the week
Fenner to Helen, referring to Nikki's injured hand: "Looks like it'll
be a while before she gets it up for you luv." In itself a funny
line, but because that d***head said it, it loses a certain degree of
humour. Hmm, can you see a pattern forming? *lol*
Warring faction of the week
The happy couple, Bodybag and Bobby (has a certain ring to it *lol*)
Their arguments are hilarious and when Bodybag gave him the 2-fingers
with accompanying facial expression, I almost choked on me Irn-Bru. *lol*
Sight of the week
Bodybag in full swing on the dance floor after taking the 'E'. I haven't
laughed so much in ages. *lol*
Nikki as a blonde. It's just not her colour is it? *lol*
Bodybag in that bloody awful tent of a ball gown. She looked like an
evil fairy. *g* I'm thinking Mavis from Willo the Wisp *lol*
Di Barker's shrine to Dominic and the spooky way she caressed those
leather glove...we always knew she was a psycho!!!! Also, the fact that
she has a mother who's voice we hear but who we do not see, could she be
Larkhall's answer to Norman Bates??? Better watch it next time you're in
the shower Dom!!!
Bodybag looking like she was going to snog Di Barker.
Di Barker dancing with Dominic, you had to cringe for the poor lad.
Bodybag's face actually scrunching in sympathy when Yvonne breaks down
in tears...Bodybag even offers her a cup of tea!!!!!
NIKKI AND HELEN IN BED!!!!!!!! How much more do you need??
Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
Well, I still find it a wee bit hard to believe that Nikki got out with
relative ease, and the guard at the main gate didn't bat an eyelid at
the fact her name wasn't on the list, and failed to pick up on the fact
she looked like a stunned rabbit. Too bloody concerned about where his
next pint was coming from I guess. Typical man. *lol*
And another thing...since when were Yvonne and Shell so chummy? I mean
one minute Yvonne is threatening to scar her for life, the next they are
scheming and plotting together. All a bit confusing for a simpleton like
What the hell was Di "Bunny boiler" Barker planning when she invited Dom
in for coffee? She couldn't exactly invite him up to her bedroom, or
should I say McAllister Shrine.
Helen making it so obvious when she tried to hide that letter from
Nikki, how much more suspicious could she have been?
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