Season 2, Episode 13: Oh What a Night!
Recap by Filbertfox and Coops

Synopsis

The most hyped and looked forward to episode in the history of Bad Girls begins with Dopey Dom on a mission, namely searching for a lost set of passport photographs...it seems that his passport went missing the day before and he urgently needs to get another one before going on holiday the next day.

Meanwhile, Bodybag is making a list of the people she's invited to her party, Fenner notices that Karen's name isn't on the list and ye olde Bodybag explains that she's still a bit miffed with the gorgeous one after being demoted by her...Enter the wonderful and fabulous Karen Betts who tells Bodybag that security are waiting for the list...Bodybag shows immediately how spineless she really is by quickly adding Karen's name to the top of the list.

We then see Nikki on the phone...

Nikki : Hi Trish, it's me...I need a favour darlin', cash...three grand in two lots and I need it in a hurry.

Just what is she planning??

Just across the landing, Bodybag informs Yvonne that the inter-prison visit for her and Charlie has been approved...

Bodybag : I hope you appreciate how many prison officers it takes to give you and your gangster husband this treat.
Yvonne : Is that your Basic-grade prison officer like yourself Sylvia? Or is...
Bodybag : (Points finger threateningly to cut Yvonne off) Don't push it Atkins!


After this exchange, Bodybag lumbers away and Dockley decides to put her two-penneth in...

Shell : Ain't you told your old man to sling 'is hook yet?
Yvonne : Eh?
Shell : Well I would if he'd done the dirty on me.
Yvonne : It's called love, you don't break up a marriage on the say so of a tart.
Shell : She seemed to know him pretty well, especially when she said about that scar.
Yvonne : You'll have a scar if you don't piss off!


Cut to Nikki in her cell, taking off the bandage on her hand...she then takes a phonecard out of her pocket and uses it to open up the wound left by the weeding-fork in the previous episode...ten out of ten for yeeeuch value!!!

Nikki then goes to show the blood to Di Barker who takes her straight along to the hospital wing.

Meanwhile, Fenner catches up with Helen in the corridor...

Fenner : Hello Helen.
Helen : Jim.
Fenner : I hear you've got a promotion board coming up.
Helen : Been playing golf again with the number one?
Fenner : I have to say, he's not too keen about your plan to turn G-Wing into a Lifers' Unit.
Helen : Really?
Fenner : You know it's not going to happen.
Helen : Oh it will Jim, if I want it to.


Whatcha gonna do Helen? Scweam and scweam and scweam until you're sick???

Anyway, this conversation is brought to an abrupt halt when Di Barker leads Nikki past...cue soppy music, Nikki cradling her hand while looking at Helen beseechingly like the 'Andrex' puppy, and Helen looking back at Nikki and literally dripping with concern...unwise move seeing as Fenner is hanging around in the background like a pantomime villain...

Fenner : Looks like it'll be a while before she gets it up for you love.

Nikki is taken up to the hospital wing and is seen by Janine (the agency nurse who Nikki spoke to in episode 12)...her reasons behind her phone call to Trish and her self-mutilation now become clear...

Nikki : If you want to be in Australia with your boyfriend by next week I can get you the cash.
Janine : What?
Nikki : What you said, three grand, I can get it for you, for a favour in return.
Janine : What do you mean?
Nikki : I need to get out of here for one night, you going to help me?
Janine : You're crazy!
Nikki : No I'm not, look, this screw's party tomorrow night couldn't be a better time because the night patrol will all want their turn for a free drink. You offer to cover for them, they'll love you.
Janine : And you get out and you're never seen again?
Nikki : I can't afford to leg it! I've got my lawyer applying for my appeal! All I need is just this one night.
Janine : I should report you right now for talking like this.
Nikki : Three thousand quid?


Okay, so it all becomes clear now...but will Janine be up for it???

The Julies and Shell look on bemused as Yvonne demonstrates how they will sew a plastic bag into their trousers in order to obtain leftover alcohol at the party. How desperate for a drink is she?

Later, Barbara and Nikki talk about Nikki's failure to make the Lifer's meeting (hence to her plotting with Janine and self-mutilation with a phonecard). Babs points out that it's Friday and that Nikki now won't get to see Helen until the following week...

Nikki : Not necessarily.

Babs, unsurprisingly, looks intrigued.

This scene is interrupted when Bodybag pops up to take Yvonne for her visit with 'my Charlie'...the camera pans back to an aghast Babs...

Barbara : Please tell me you're joking.
Nikki : It's been done before.
Barbara : Nikki, they are not going to leave an agency nurse in charge of the night patrol, I don't believe it.
Nikki : I thought you'd've known by now...what screws ought to do and what they get away with...it's criminal.


Yvonne is waiting for her visit with Charlie, Bodybag is impatient that they're being kept waiting and reaches for her walkie-talkie...

Bodybag : Hello gate? This is Zulu.

Prime opportunity for a witty riposte from Yvonne, but she seems preoccupied, maybe the waiting is getting to her too...anyway, Bodybag listens for a reply, gets one, and then turns to Yvonne...

Yvonne : What?
Bodybag : (Opens door) Out you go. (Turns to officer standing outside the door) She's going back to the wing.
Yvonne : What do you mean?
Bodybag : Your husband isn't coming.
Yvonne : Is this some sort of joke right?
Bodybag : He says he doesn't want to see you again, and that's from the horse's mouth.
Yvonne : Don't you bloody tell me that!
Bodybag : Well don't blame me!
Yvonne : (Shoots out of seat and sweeps plastic mug off the table) You're a lying cow!
Bodybag : Now come on, don't start!
Yvonne : (Now crying & extremely pissed off) My Charlie wouldn't do this to me! He just wouldn't! (Breaks down into tears)
Bodybag : (Looks on...my God! Is that sympathy??) Let's get you a cup of tea.


Right...gratuitous fawning over Linda Henry's acting skills now coming up...

Firstly, she manages to exude extreme menace when Bodybag takes the call which switches immediately to disbelief and then to grief...and even when completely breaking down in tears, she manages to convey such a huge amount of dignity...what can I say?? The woman is just class!!!

Have to say though...this puts me in mind of the time when Maggie Thatcher was finally given her marching orders and sent packing from number 10...she was the last person anyone expected to see in tears...the effect is very much the same here.

The following morning, it's the day of Crystal's release and the Julies present her with her last serving of porridge ala Larkhall...

Julie S : Get this down ya!
Crystal : Oh, not porridge!
Julie S : You've gotta have your last porridge.
Julie J : Yeah, you've gotta.
Julie S : 'Cause you know what they say?
Julie J : You'll be back to eat it another day!


Crystal tells the Julies that her parole officer has got her a place in a hostel...Dominic interrupts and tells Crystal that her release has been delayed because of a problem with her travel warrant. Crystal takes it in good heart, but probably because she's worried about whether or not Josh will be turning up to meet her.

Meanwhile up on G3, Fenner decides to stick the boot in by going to smarm over an obviously heart-broken Yvonne...

Fenner : Looking a bit down in the mouth today Atkins. Oh, of course, your old man's dumped you hasn't he? Shame, another woman was it?
Yvonne : Piss off Fenner!
Fenner : Not Renee Williams by any chance.
Yvonne : And look what happened to her.
Fenner : And to think you tried to rub her old man out for them. That's life eh? (horrible slimy grin splits his ugly features)


The look on Yvonne's face when Fenner leaves tells a thousand stories...if looks could kill, Principal Officer Fenner would be lying there dead as a bleedin' Dodo.

Down in the officers' room, Di Barking fawns over Dominic in a sickening, cringeworthy manner while she shows him the carriage clock that she's got for Bodybag's anniversary present. Crystal pops her head around the door, wondering what the hold up with her release is...

Crystal : I wanna know what's going on 'cause this is just takin' the piss man!

Di is sympathetic and offers Crystal a cup of tea...

Di : How do you take it?
Crystal : Half milk, three sugars.


My God!! Has she got any teeth left???

Anyway, while Di potters around making Crystal a cup of tea flavoured syrup, Crystal spots the carriage clock...oh no...she doesn't, does she?

Out in the corridor, Shell catches up with Karen (who by the way looks absolutely gorgeous...can you see a pattern forming here??) and tells her that Social Services have been in touch with her...apparently, the foster parents who have been looking after her kids want to adopt them...

Karen : Well are you happy with that?
Shell : They sound nice. (cut to Karen smiling swoooooon) I can't thank you enough Miss for what you done for me...none of it's got out about...well you know...you never said nuffing did ya?
Karen : I told you I wouldn't.
Shell : Ain't many screws stick by what they say.


It's time for Crystal's release and all of the inmates gather to say goodbye, wish her all the best and impart words of wisdom...

Julie S : Now remember, don't look back when you get out the gate.
Julie J : 'Cause you know what they say.
Julie S : You'll be back another day!
Crystal : (Gives Denny a piece of paper) That's the address of my hostel, that's if you want to write to me.
Denny : Give us a hug then? (Hugs Crystal) You stay safe man!
Crystal : You too.
Shaz : Have fun.
Julie J : Take care of yourself love. (Kisses Crystal on the cheek)
Julie S : Be lucky yeah? (Kisses Crystal on the other cheek) Keep yer 'ead down.


Crystal walks through the wing and encounters Babs.

Barbara : You're finally off then?
Crystal : Yep.
Barbara : (Kisses Crystal) I'll miss you in the chapel.
Crystal : You'll have to convert these heathens on your own now!


Walks a bit further and is stopped by Nikki.

Nikki : Take care of yourself Crystal, we'll never forget what you did for Zandra.

Crystal receives another smacker from Nikki (if I was Crystal I'd never wash that cheek again!!) and then Bodybag decides she can't last a minute longer without putting a dampener on...

Bodybag: Right, come on! (Turns to Di) Get her out before something else goes wrong!
Crystal : (Huge grin on her face) Nice knowing you too Miss!
Yvonne : (Appears out of nowhere) Bye Crystaaal! Keep on strumming!


A bit further down, she encounters Shell on the stairs.

Shell : Don't do nuffing we wouldn't eh?

Crystal and Shell stare at each other cagily for a second before Shell smiles slightly...my God!! Don't tell us the Mistress of Evil is getting sentimental in her old age!!!

Finally, the charabanc reaches the gate to the wing, and everyone assembles to wave goodbye.

Crystal is allowed out of the prison gates but Josh isn't there to meet her...poor soul...it looks like she ain't gonna get that happy ending after all.

Later that evening, Janine arrives on the wing with her trolley, she makes a beeline for Nikki's cell and gives her a box containing her disguise and some last minute instructions...so, the escape attempt is on!!

Out on the landing, Di Barking notices that the red-bands (namely Yvonne, the Julies and Shell...honestly! Red-bands are supposed to be trusted inmates, would you honestly trust them as far as you could throw them???) who will be serving drinks at Bodybag's party are all wearing baggy tracksuit bottoms...

Di : You lot look like you're going to the gym!
Julie J : What about you Miss? Are you wearing something nice?
Di : I had to buy a new dress.
Julie S : Sexy is it Miss?
Di : You saying I can't do sexy?


Oh please! Di Barking sexy? There's about much chance of Accrington Stanley winning the FA Cup this year!!!

The rest of the inmates are locked up for the night, Fenner comes across Babs...

Fenner : Come on Barbara Cartland, bedtime!

...and shepherds her back to her cell just as Janine is leaving...

Fenner : Hope you're going to be good girls tonight.
Nikki : Wouldn't want to spoil your fun, would we Fenner?
Fenner : Don't even think about it!
Barbara : (Watches Fenner close the cell door) What do you want to goad him for?
Nikki : Because he expects me to! (Puts her book down). You might want to turn away.


Nikki then makes it look like she is asleep in her bed by stuffing clothes under the blankets and by leaving a dark-haired wig on the pillow. (By the way, spot the moment when Nikki bends down and displays a serious case of 'builder's bum'!!)

Meanwhile, Babs hangs around in the background like a wet weekend in Margate...

Barbara : Are you sure I can't talk you out of this?

It's party time...and Karen Betts leads the (sarcastic?) applause when Bodybag turns up in a ball gown that makes her look like a deformed fairy...she has Bobby in tow and we finally learn that the master of the 'Braised Meatballs' is actually a gnome with the most amazing sideburns in British drama.

Bobby : Right! Where's this Karen Betts? I want to sort her out before the night gets going.
Bodybag : No Bobby! I don't want any trouble! (Looks around the room and spots Karen) There she is.


Bodybag leads Bobby off to talk to Karen...the look on Bodybag's face is a classic, she honestly thinks that Bobby is going to defend her honour and give Karen a severe reprimand about the demotion incident.

Bobby : I'm not saying it's easy running a prison wing but it seems to me that you were a bit hasty in demoting my wife here.
Karen : Well, you would say that, wouldn't you?


Classic put-down from the gorgeous Miss Betts there, she leaves a very shown up Bodybag in her wake...

Bodybag : That's her well and truly sorted!
Bobby : I'm just priming my musket Sylv.


Dom arrives, and Di's across the room like a whippet, showing a bit of flesh in a little black dress. When he tries to escape to the bar, she downs her wine in one and asks for another. Nothing if not determined.

Meanwhile, Karen is cornered by Bobby...

Bobby : Maybe you'll do me the honour later on, a dance.
Karen : Well, only if you get Sylvia's blessing.
Fenner : (Wanders over with a drink for Karen) Saw you were in need.
Karen : (Taking the drink) Thanks Jim.
Bobby : Sylvia told me that you two had kissed and made up.
Fenner : (Smiling like the toad he is) Oh, we've definitely done that.
Bobby : I'll find you later Karen. (Leaves.)
Karen : Do you have to be so obvious?
Fenner : Sorry?
Karen : Oh yes, we've definitely done that!


Excuse me, but what does a delectably delicious woman like Karen see in a twat like Fenner who obviously can't even be bothered to change out of his uniform??

Anyway, across the room, this exchange between Karen and Fenner has not gone unnoticed...

Yvonne : 'Ere, I thought you said that Betts was alright?
Shell : She is, best governor we've had.
Yvonne : Yeah? Well what's she doing all over that slimy bastard then?
Shell : Miss Betts wouldn't touch Fenner!
Yvonne : I'd say she was shagging him!


The band starts playing ('Living Doll' Yuk!!) and Bodybag leads Bobby onto the floor to show off their 'Come Dancing' skills, Yvonne comes up with yet another cunning plan...

Yvonne : 'Ere, I thought we'd give old Bodybag a present for her anniversary.
Julie S : Eh?
Julie J : I'm not giving that old cow nuffing!
Yvonne : That's a pity, I was gonna slip her an 'E'!
Shell : What a whole one? She'll go up like a soddin' rocket!


Karen turns up then and moves our happy band along...Shell manages to grab Karen before she returns to Fenner...

Shell : I know I done a lot of bad things in my life, but you know I never lied to you about Mr Fenner.
Karen : What's brought all this on?
Shell : He did hit me Miss, you know he did.


Well done Shell!! The seeds of doubt have well and truly been sown now!! Let's hope Karen takes the hint and doesn't allow that slimy git anywhere near her bed tonight.

WARNING!! Gratuitous Di Barking moment with cringe factor ten!!!

Dominic, still unable to escape the attentions of the woman who seriously is as mad as a fish...is forced to dance with her, anyway, Di takes exception to Dom's half-hearted attempt at dancing...

Di : Come on! What are you waiting for? (Does a twirl and pursues a frightened Dominic onto the dance floor)
Dominic : I'm not a very good dancer.
Di : You just have to wriggle your body!


Fortunately for Dom, the dress can't take the strain, and one of her shoulder straps breaks, nearly exposing more flesh than Judy Finnegan at a certain TV award ceremony.

Di : Oh God! I best go and get this fixed.
Dominic : (Pissing himself laughing) Well you said you wanted to show a bit of flesh!


Julie J finally gets her revenge on Bodybag by being the one to serve her with the 'E' spiked glass of wine...Bodybag knocks it back in one.

Back on the wing, the guard in charge of the night patrol hands Janine the keys before going off in search of free booze.

Meanwhile, Nikki is checking her reflection...pause to spit out the mouthful of coffee I was in the process of drinking...the sight of Nikki in a blonde wig is just...well...let's just say that it's on a par with a nuclear explosion for shock value. Anyway, Nikki decides to get Barbara's opinion...

Nikki : Well?
Barbara : They say blondes have more fun.
Nikki : Will I do?
Barbara : I bloody well hope so! (Hears footsteps outside the cell and ducks under the covers) I'm asleep!


Janine arrives then and leads Nikki out of the wing...we see that their departure is caught on the security cameras...will this prove fatal next series???

Nikki is left outside the locker room where she goes to get Janine's coat...just as she is about to leave, Di Barking turns up to repair her broken dress strap...Nikki manages to hide her face in the nick of time, but you can see by the look on her face that she's obviously just crapped herself on the spot!!!

Di, completely oblivious to the fact that an escape attempt is in progress, carries on regardless while Nikki flees.

Nikki arrives at the gate. She's looking like a rabbit caught in headlights, but the gate officer is full of bonhomie and beer...

Guard : Sorry sweetheart, what's your name?
Nikki : Ford.
Guard : You're not on the list, what time did you come in at?
Nikki : Twelve-thirty.
Guard : Twelve-thirty? (Looks down at clipboard) I'll fill you in.
Nikki : Can I go now?
Guard : Not unless you want to sleep the night.


Nikki, obviously not quite believing her luck, is let out into the night...you half expect her to raise her hand in the air and shout 'FREEDOM!' ala Mel Gibson in 'Braveheart'.

Back at the party it's time for the presentation.

We can see by Bodybag's facial expressions and the way she's fidgeting about like she's got ants in her pants that the 'disco biscuit' is taking effect.

Bobby : You all know Sylvia as a trusted and hard-working colleague who's given her life to the prison service...

Cut to Karen Betts who is obviously appreciating the immense irony in that statement...

Bobby : ...but I know her as a wife and a mother to our three children - Constance, Gail and little Bobby Darren...

Cut to Shell, Yvonne, the Julies and Dawn (DAWN!!!) who are practically wetting themselves as they listen to this...

Bobby : ...and she is the best, so, here's to the next thirty.

Hilarity rules here as Bobby kisses Bodybag on the cheek...cue brilliant coy facial expression from Bodybag. (Top acting Helen Fraser!!!)

Karen steps up onto the stage to make the presentation and Bodybag practically grabs the gift from her hands and rips the paper off in World Record time to reveal the box which we assume contains the carriage clock...but, when Bodybag opens the box and pulls out a hole-punch...

Karen : Is this someone's idea of a joke?
Bobby : Well it's not very funny if it is.
Karen : What's going on Di?
(Di shrugs, totally aghast)
Bodybag : Well, never mind it now, let's have another dance! (Turns to the band) Something from the fifties boys! (Grabs Bobby's hand) Come on Bobby!


Bodybag erupts onto the dance floor like a force ten hurricane and is soon jigging away like a demented buffalo. Angela Rippon she ain't.

Outside, Nikki, now sans the wig from hell catches a bus...as the bus pulls away, we see her grinning out of the back window, finally knowing that she's got away with it...Have to say though, didn't we just know that of all of the seats on the bus Nikki chooses the one at the back...what a rebel huh??

Alone and bored in her room at the hostel, Crystal decides to go out and hit the town...and as she leaves, we see that she did indeed pinch the clock...you tea-leaf Crystaaaaal!!!

Back at the party, Bodybag is still giving it some wellie on the dancefloor. We can see that Bobby can't stand the pace she's keeping up by the way he collapses in a chair at the end of the dance...Fenner, meanwhile, hands Bodybag a pint of water and she swills it down in true raver style...

Fenner : We'll have another whip-round, make sure you get your clock eh?
Bodybag : Oh forget it, it's just a daft gift! We've got a dozen clocks at home haven't we Bobby? (Grabs hold of Bobby as the music starts again) me on! Don't sit!
Fenner : Christ almighty!


Over at the bar, the gang are in the midst of huge belly-chuckles as they watch Bodybag and Bobby tango around the floor...

Yvonne : 'Ere, can you imagine her on Viagra?

Fenner seems hell-bent on getting the fair Miss Betts drunk so he can have his wicked way with her...

Fenner : (To Shell) Another glass of red for Miss Betts.
Karen : I wish you'd stop topping me up Jim I'm losing count.
Shell : That's four now Miss. (Turns to Fenner) Ain't that right Mr Fenner?
Karen : (Puts glass back on tray) For God's sake!
Fenner : Relax! Let's have a dance.
Karen : No!
Fenner : What? You're not even going to dance with me?
Karen : Didn't you hear me?
Fenner : Fine! I'll go and prop up the bar then!


Cut to Shell grinning evilly...

Back outside, Nikki reaches Helen's house and rings the doorbell...

Helen : (Gasps and looks like she's about to throw up all over the door-step) Nikki! What the f...
Nikki : I've got to talk to you.
Helen : No! No! (Slams the door in Nikki's face)
Nikki : Helen! (Banging on the door) For Christ's sake! Let me in!


...Cut to Helen standing in the hallway and wondering what the hell she's going to do with an escaped cop killer on her doorstep...let's just hope she's not thinking, 'Shit! I knew I should've shaved my legs earlier!!'...

NIkki : Look it's okay, no one knows I'm here, it's only for tonight!

...we see Helen staring at the phone...she isn't...is she??

ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!! Millions of frustrated women around the country howl in unison when the scene cuts back to Bodybag on the dance floor.

It's not all bad...hilarious scene where Bodybag returns from another dance and looks for all the world like she's going to snog Di Barker!!!...

Di : Sylv, I'm really sorry about your clock.
Bodybag : (Still hanging around Di's neck) What's a clock between friends? 'Cause that's what we are, all of us who work in this dump, we're family! (Kisses Di on the cheek again)
Di : Oh that's a lovely thing to say.
Bodybag : (Grabs Di's hands) Come on, let's have a boogie!


Meanwhile, Shell comes across Fenner at the bar and decides to stick the boot in...

Shell : Not speaking to Miss Betts no more?
Fenner : Shut it!
Shell : She can see right through you!
Fenner : Oh yeah? Is that why she's invited me back to her place tonight?
Shell : Hah! A prick like you? You must be joking?
Fenner : Am I?


Back at the love-nest...Helen's front-door is taking a right battering...

Nikki : If you don't let me in I'm going to smash the bloody window! I've got to see you!

Helen relents and opens the front-door...

For f**k's sake!!! Are they doing this on purpose?? The scene switches again, this time to a grotty greasy spoon where Crystal is mooning over a plate of chips...

Then back to the party...

After the dance has finished, Di looks fit to collapse...

Di : I'm knackered!
Bodybag : Honestly! The youth of today! No stamina! (Sees Bobby sitting on a nearby chair) Don't you abandon me.
Bobby : Just one drink.
Bodybag : Come on! If I can do it...
Bobby : It's not a competition.
Bodybag : But this is our night. Get up!
Bobby : I'm exhausted!
Bodybag : Well that's nothing new.
Bobby : Sylvia!
Bodybag : There's always some excuse...too tired, sore back. (Looks around and realises that she's got an audience) He says it's carrying the coffins, I think it's something wrong in the waterworks department if you know what I mean.
Bobby : That's enough Sylvia.
Bodybag : I don't know why I waste my time with you! (Wanders off and then spots Dominic) You! (Grabs Dominic and pulls him onto the dance floor by his tie) You, you haven't danced all night!
Dominic : (Being practically strangled by Bodybag who is hanging off his neck and covering him in kisses) I don't really...


Enter Bobby to the rescue...

Bobby : Right that's it! I'm taking you home to sleep it off.
Bodybag : Get lost! (Starts kissing Dominic's neck)
Bobby : I mean it! You're making a fool of yourself, people are laughing.
Bodybag : Yes, at you!
Dominic : (Manages to extricate himself) I'll leave you two to it.
Bobby : I'm leaving, if you don't come with me right now I'll lock you out.


Her response? A V-sign practically up his nostrils. Bobby takes this as his sign to leave.

AT LAST!!! Back at Helen's...

Helen : Nikki, I am an employee of the Home Office, do you have any idea?

WARNING!! Gratuitous fawning over Mandana Jones follows...

How can someone manage to smoulder in a nurse's uniform?? We don't know but she achieves it, and the voice too...low, sexy and...Gawd!! You just know that if you were Helen you'd be flat out on the floor, legs open and begging her to take you right there and then...

Nikki : Don't worry, I'm not going to get caught.
Helen : You're completely mad!!


[Cut to millions of BG fans around the country screaming at the TV screen... 'Just bloody well do it!!!]

Nikki : (Grabs Helen's arms) I love you...

...And she says it with such meaning that you just faint on the floor in a gibbering heap...anyway, it elicits a bit of a moan from Helen.

Nikki : ...when I thought I'd pissed you off I didn't know how I could live, and then I got this chance, I just want to make the most of it. We've got a whole night together.
Helen : (Between gasps and heavy breathing manages to find the strength to push Nikki away) No Nikki, this is not the way.
Nikki : (Grabs Helen again) Tell me you love me.


BINGO!!!

All that pent-up passion finally erupts in a snog fest and we finally understand why they put Nikki in a nurse's uniform, for the express reason of Helen being able to rip it open and have her wicked way and...

Oh shit! We're back at the party again...

Anyway, just a quick word about that scene...have to say, superb acting by our two leading ladies...everything was there, the intense look on Nikki's face, the little moans from Helen...and the gasp she makes when she rips Nikki's uniform open was definitely worth paying the TV licence fee for...

So, back to Larkhall before I get too carried away...

We're down to the last dregs and our girls are gathering together to collect their spoils...namely all of the half finished drinks that are lined up on a table.

An ecstatic Di arranges to share a taxi home with Dominic before a very wobbly looking Bodybag staggers out of the loos and stands there on the deserted dance floor looking like something out of a Greek tragedy.

Karen catches up with Fenner at the bar and makes it pretty obvious that he's not going to have his evil way with her because she's going to make sure Bodybag gets home alright, Fenner, predictably, is a bit pissed off at this...

Fenner : Well sod you Karen!

Over the other side of the room, the gang are filling their 'pouches' with the leftovers but are interrupted by Bodybag who takes great exception to Karen's attempt to take her home, staggers away and ends up falling arse over tit bringing the table down with her...

Yvonne : Oh shit!
Both Julie : Our slops!
Julie S : I hope she bloody 'urt 'erself!


Karen manages to pick Bodybag up, the poor woman is now awash in a flood of tears...

Bodybag : Bobby! Where's my Bobby?

Considering the fact that one of the women involved has been locked up and sex-starved for years, this really must be the quickest shag in history...so much for 'all night long' eh Nik???

Helen : Sssh (Kisses a tearful Nikki on the forehead) It's alright sweetheart, I'm here.

Okay, so now we're all wondering if Nikki's performance wasn't quite up to scratch...

Nikki : I'm so happy.
Helen : You're so amazing.
Nikki : So are you...

Phew...it turns out that the post-coital moment is too much and the gorgeous guv comforts the tearful Lifer (I should write headlines for The Sun).

Nikki : ...I've imagined this so many times. I can't believe I've really got you, everything's possible now, the whole future.
Helen : Nikki...sweetheart you know I've got to get you back to Larkhall.
Nikki : What?
Helen : Now, before anyone notices that you've gone.
Nikki : Don't be stupid, I can't go back there until the morning shift...think about it.
Helen : (Thinks for a minute) Shit! (Rolls away from Nikki)


Incredibly stupid moment happens when Helen spots a letter on her bedside table...for obviousness of plot this one ranks up there with Monica's pill counting frenzy in series one.

Nikki : (Snuggles up to Helen's back) Come here!

Awwwwww...I defy anyone not to melt when Nikki kisses Helen's back.

Anyway, Helen panics and stuffs the letter down by the side of the phone. Helen fans will note here that the presence of the phone hides what could be a revealing moment in the breast area.

Nikki : (Sits up when she realises something is amiss) What's that?
Helen : (Reaches for the letter) It's a letter from your solicitor. I'm sorry sweetheart, its bad news.


They cuddle up to read the letter.

Outside, Dominic and Di are cosied up in the back of a taxi...Di gets out and it's pretty obvious that she's bottled out of asking Dom in for a coffee...Di does a bit of a dithering routine on the doorstep, and Dom gets out of the taxi to see what's wrong...

Di manages to pluck up enough courage to ask Dom in for a coffee but then we hear her bed-ridden mother shouting in the background and Dom cries off...Poor Di, she was that close to getting him into her clutches too!!!

Di storms into the house and attempts to go upstairs...

Di's mum : Di! I've wet myself!
Di : (Impatiently) Yes! In a minute.


She finds solace in her bedroom, which can only be described as a McAllister shrine. His missing passport and photos, some snatched photos of him at or leaving work, his name badge, even one of his biker gloves - all are collected on her dressing table. On the mirror his name is spelled out in red capitals. Lock up your bunny Dom!!!...it seriously looks like Dominic had a lucky escape and I'm sure I'm not the only one who was wondering what his fate might have been if he'd actually gone into the house...

When we leave Di she's sitting there holding his leather biker glove to her face with a very spooky look on her face....there you go, we knew she was a psycho really!!!!!

Yvonne's back in her cell, and dips a mug into her trouser stash. Wiping it carefully with a tissue, she turns and before a drop passes her lips, she spots the photo of Charlie pinned over her bed and throws the booze over it. Bet she always had to sleep in the wet patch anyway.

Outside, Crystal returns from her 'night on the town' only to find that the hostel is locked up for the night...salvation arrives in the form of Josh, apparently Denny sent him a message on his mobile. They talk for a while and then Crystal shows Josh her necklace, she's been wearing his engagement ring round her neck...

Josh : So, you coming back to my place?
Crystal : Looks like I got no choice innit?


They hug then and walk of into the sunset..awwww at least we got one happy ending out of the series.

Back at Helen's place, Helen and Nikki are now in the living room, both in dressing gowns and sharing a bottle of Stoli...bloody hell, it must be love if Helen's prepared to share her precious vodka...

Helen : It's not the end of the line, it's not! Claire says she's going to go right ahead and apply to the Criminal Cases Review Commission, she's going to come in and see you about it next week. You're not going to give up!
Nikki : You're kidding? No way!
Helen : Well good, because neither am I...I love you Nikki.


[AT LAST! WHOOPS ARE HEARD UP AND DOWN THE LAND... A LESBIAN IN DUNDEE FAINTS AT HEARING THOSE WORDS FROM THOSE LIPS...Well we have waited for over 19 hours spread across 2 years]

Nikki : Enough to give everything up for me?
Helen : You know how much.
Nikki : I'm not going back to that prison Helen. Not after this, this is my last chance now, if I go back now I just know that I'm going to be there until I'm bloody fifty! You won't wait that long for me.
Helen : Nikki, it won't be that long. If the CCRC takes up your case...
Nikki : If, if, if...what if they don't? Do you really think I could handle that? 'Cause I just know that after everything we've been through this week I'd go totally mad. We've got to run for it. Tonight.
Helen : (Beginning to panic) Nikki, you are talking absolute crap!
Nikki : I can get a passport, Trish will help me.
Helen : We are not going on the run!
Nikki : No, no of course that would be stupid, I'll go on ahead, I can be out of the country before they even miss me...San Francisco, and when the heat's off you can come out and join me.
Helen : Nikki...
Nikki : If you love me enough.
Helen : What kind of life would that be for us?
Nikki : Better than if we wait for bloody justice. Its true Helen, you know it is.
Helen : No! (Gets up and walks across the room) No, no, no it isn't! Don't even think about this it is not an option!
Nikki : (Gets up to walk across to Helen, note the very impressive wobble!!) It's the only one we've got! Say you'll do it!
Helen : I can't...I can't.
Nikki : Yes you can! You will...I've gotta go now.
Helen : No Nikki.
Nikki : I'll tell you where I am, I'll wait for you.
Helen : No.
Nikki : I've got to go, I need a cab...you got a number? Darling please, trust me.
Helen : Okay, go and get ready.


Nikki leaves the room, and Helen...Helen turns around and looks at the phone...no...DON'T DO IT HELEN!!! She picks up the phone...she dials '999'...she starts to cry and we hear the operator say...

Operator : Emergency, which service?

We're all sitting there, holding our breath, will she? Won't she? We look up at the clock, only minutes to go until the end of the episode and...

BOLLOCKS!!!

Meanwhile, back at Larkhall...

Fenner climbs the stairs and lets himself into Shell's cell...

Fenner : Right, that's it, bedtime.
Shell : Jim.
Fenner : What?
Shell : I miss ya.
Fenner : Yeah? Well you blew it.
Shell : You're gonna sleep with Betts tonight ain't ya? Can't I just have a little kiss? I know it don't mean anything to ya, not now you're with her.


They get on to the bed and start kissing, and in 'Basic Instinct' style, Shell reaches under the mattress and pulls out an ice-pick...well, a broken bottle actually...

And...that's all folks!!!!

Oh my God!! How the frig can they leave it like that???

Will Helen call for the Police?
Will Shell stab Fenner?
Will we wake up in the shower tomorrow and find out that the whole series has been a dream?

And, most importantly, how are we going to survive until the next series???
 

Awards (by Helwader and Filbertfox)

Top Dog of the Week
Bodybag for sheer entertainment value, the dress, the facial expressions, the dancing... I can honestly say I was crying uncontrollably last night; the tears of laughter were running down my face. So all credit to Helen Fraser... top acting last night.

Twatting Twat of the week
Fenner, for acting like a spoilt brat when Karen doesn't let him have his own way, and just for being an all round 'prick' (as Shell would say.)

Helen for dialling 999, how could she?

Weedy Pigeon of the week
This one goes to poor old Bobby. He is shown up by his wife at the party, had his 'manhood' questioned, and been laughed at by all the guests. And WHAT is that growing down the sides of his face?? *lol* Looks like he is in the wrong bloody century.

Spin Doctor of the week
Shell gets this one I reckon for getting her own back on Fenner by warning Karen off him. It's good to see her getting back to her evil self again. And then luring him into her cell only to give him what he truly deserves...I hope. *g*

Worst Girl of the week
Fenner, for no other reason than that he is a sleazy, manipulative, cheating, vicious, slimy bastard.

Best Line of the week
Yvonne: " 'Ere, can you imagine 'er on Viagra?" *lol*

Bobby: "I'm just priming my musket, Sylv."

Maybe he should prime his 'musket' more at home. Poor old Bodybag isn't getting enough love and affection from Bobby methinks. Maybe he should do his famous meatballs again to put a spark back into the relationship. *g*

Bodybag into walkie talkie: "Hello gate, this is Zulu."

Shell on giving BB an E: She'll go up like a soddin' rocket!

Bodybag: "I want my Bobby!"

But the best line of course has to be those sacred words we have waited so long to hear from Helen:

"I love you Nikki."
A nation cheers!

Worst line of the week
Fenner to Helen, referring to Nikki's injured hand: "Looks like it'll be a while before she gets it up for you luv." In itself a funny line, but because that d***head said it, it loses a certain degree of humour. Hmm, can you see a pattern forming? *lol*

Warring faction of the week
The happy couple, Bodybag and Bobby (has a certain ring to it *lol*) Their arguments are hilarious and when Bodybag gave him the 2-fingers with accompanying facial expression, I almost choked on me Irn-Bru. *lol*

Sight of the week
Bodybag in full swing on the dance floor after taking the 'E'. I haven't laughed so much in ages. *lol*

Nikki as a blonde. It's just not her colour is it? *lol*

Bodybag in that bloody awful tent of a ball gown. She looked like an evil fairy. *g* I'm thinking Mavis from Willo the Wisp *lol*

Di Barker's shrine to Dominic and the spooky way she caressed those leather glove...we always knew she was a psycho!!!! Also, the fact that she has a mother who's voice we hear but who we do not see, could she be Larkhall's answer to Norman Bates??? Better watch it next time you're in the shower Dom!!!

Bodybag looking like she was going to snog Di Barker.

Di Barker dancing with Dominic, you had to cringe for the poor lad.

Bodybag's face actually scrunching in sympathy when Yvonne breaks down in tears...Bodybag even offers her a cup of tea!!!!!

NIKKI AND HELEN IN BED!!!!!!!! How much more do you need??

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
Well, I still find it a wee bit hard to believe that Nikki got out with relative ease, and the guard at the main gate didn't bat an eyelid at the fact her name wasn't on the list, and failed to pick up on the fact she looked like a stunned rabbit. Too bloody concerned about where his next pint was coming from I guess. Typical man. *lol*

And another thing...since when were Yvonne and Shell so chummy? I mean one minute Yvonne is threatening to scar her for life, the next they are scheming and plotting together. All a bit confusing for a simpleton like me. *lol*

What the hell was Di "Bunny boiler" Barker planning when she invited Dom in for coffee? She couldn't exactly invite him up to her bedroom, or should I say McAllister Shrine.

Helen making it so obvious when she tried to hide that letter from Nikki, how much more suspicious could she have been?

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