Season 2, Episode 10: Family Plan
Recap by Coops

Synopsis

Crystal is still down the block, so Shaz and Denny have the dorm to themselves. They are getting on like a house on fire, and it looks like Denny might be falling for Shaz. We discover that Shaz's triple murder was an accident - she worked in a supermarket and some dodgy oysters killed an elderly couple and a pregnant woman. [Very dubious about this from a legal standpoint.  It can't be murder unless intent is proved]

Shell has told the screws that she hurt her arm in a fall. Karen doesn't believe this and asks the whole wing who did it. Babs actually stands up and confesses, but Shell denies it, again saying that she fell. She doesn't want to lose face by saying a 50 year-old woman did it!

There is a very scary new arrival, Renee Williams, doing 18 months She is a very nasty piece of work, racist and threatening, and has managed to bring in a razor blade. It turns out that she is the wife of the man that Yvonne took a contract out on.

Julie J is still trying to get pregnant. First she propositions Dominic, but laughs it off as a joke when he threatens to report her. Next Julie S suggests she approaches the prison chaplain! Unsurprisingly, this doesn't work either, so Julie J decides that one of her phone regulars, John, would be ideal sperm donor material. She asks him for a photo then sends him a VO.

Shaz teaches Denny some tricks she learnt on remand. First they stuff the keyhole of the dorm with loo paper, so that the door doesn't secure properly. They sneak out after lockup and go into the toilets on G2. Shaz fills the toilet cisterns with washing powder tablets, then takes a condom and fills it with water. Next day there is chaos as the toilets flood with soapy water. In one cubicle the girls have rigged up an effigy of Bodybag. Up on Enhanced Shell gets out of bed to find an inch of water in her cell, from the condoms. Karen is not impressed when none of the POs can provide an explanation.

Although they don't get caught, Shaz & Denny's jokes and public displays of affection soon start annoying Bodybag, and when she catches them in the cleaners' cupboard, she vows to split them up. She expresses her homophobia to Karen, who tells her to turn a blind eye to the relationship.

Shell invites Denny up to her cell but she says they are going to art class. Shell is looking more and more isolated and pathetic.

Renee arrives on the wing, and is assigned to the dorm. The girls are gutted that their night-time excursions and privacy are at an end. She holds the razor to Denny's face and tells them that she doesn't like them and that this is her room. She tells Yvonne that she'll need a charmed life, then unimpressed by the menu, asks Shell "How'd you like to have your tits dipped in the chip pan, darling?"

Next day Yvonne gets caught alone by Renee who produces the razor, but before anything happens, Dominic & Bodybag come by and Yvonne tags along with them.

Julie J gets dolled up for John's visit. Although she is disappointed that he doesn't match up to his photo, she still starts giving him hand relief under the table. He is happy until he feels the yoghurt pot that she is also clutching, and makes a scene. The Julies are hauled up in front of Karen and their phones are found. This triggers a search of every cell on the wing, so the other "Babes" are forced to dispose of the phones.

Williams winds Yvonne up by talking about Charlie, and revealing that she has shagged him. Shell says, "You're not going to stand for that are you? Do her!" but Yvonne goes back to her cell and starts sobbing. [Very disappointed in her]

Awards (by Coops and Filbertfox)

Top Dog of the Week
Dom for not taking any crap from Renee and stopping her racist abuse. He also took no nonsense from Julie J and is still standing up to Bodybag. Has Zan's death caused a personality change?

Karen for telling Bodybag to turn a blind eye to Shaz and Denny's relationship.

Twatting Twat of the week
Bodybag looks a total arse when Karen tells her to turn a blind eye to Denny & Shaz..

Julie J for causing the fall of 'Babes Behind Bars'

Weedy Pigeon of the week
Yvonne folds in a very disappointing manner when Williams gloats that she shagged old Charlie.

Spin Doctor of the week
Shell convinces Karen that she really did fall over and wasn't attacked by Babs.

Worst Girl of the week
Scary Renee Williams. Far more menacing than even Mad Tessa, you've got to fear for our Yvonne's health.

Best Line of the week
Yvonne: Take it easy Babs, no-one's gonna grass on ya [not a great line in itself, but the side-of-the-mouth delivery was pure quality *g*]

Julie J: Some of 'em are quite nice - well, for...
Yvonne: Wankers?
Julies: Yeah.


Shell: Do I look like Delia frigging Smith?

Worst line of the week
Williams' "jungle" remark.

Warring faction of the week
Yvonne and Williams are just sparring thus far.

Shaz & Denny and Bodybag get the prize; homophobic old cow is out to get them one way or another.

Sight of the week
Shell paling at Williams' threat to dip her tits in the chip pan *lol*

The effigy of Bodybag.

Julie J trying to wank John off in visiting and then dropping the yoghurt pot.

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
Bodybag's newly developed homophobia - is this the woman who blanked Nikki and Julie S's "quick feel" in the Potting Shed in series 1?!

Why did the DST not get involved with the total cell spin? It was a fine opportunity for the lovely Ms Wall and Ms Carter to make a reappearance.

How did Renee manage to smuggle in a razor blade in her gob without cutting her gums to ribbons.

How does Denny cope with being involved with someone who wears the same horrible grey vest day in day out?

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