Season 1, Episode 8: Falling Apart
Recap by Filbertfox


The episode begins with Helen arriving at the prison gates, Nikki is standing in her cell, watching Helen's arrival through her window. Smarmy bastard Fenner wanders into Nikki's cell and clocks what she is doing...

Fenner : She always manages to be a few minutes late. Have you noticed?

...Of course she's bloody noticed you daft arse!

Mind you, Nikki does seem to be in a good mood today, and the top she's wearing (pink yuk) is very tight and shows her...well, let's just say that all the Nikki fans in country, although they hate her fashion sense, love her taste in tight tops. Nikki spots Shell in the breakfast queue and can't resist having a dig...

Nikki : You enjoy life back on Basic Dockley? Looks like it
Shell : I'm gonna be back on the threes sooner that any of you wankers think!
Nikki : Yeah? Well us wankers won't bother holding our breath alright?
Shell : (Storms off) I'm only down here coz of that bitch Lorna Rose!

Superb overacting by extra's here as they watch Shell's departure and hold a group handbag to their collective chest...'Oooooooh'.

In Helen's office, Monica hears that she has a date for a home visit, only is disappointed when she hears that it's in three and a half weeks time...Helen commiserates but Monica cheers up almost immediately and tells Helen that she's just happy that she's going to be able to spend some time with him...By the way, does Helen's hair look nicer this episode or is it just me???

Meanwhile, Denny is labouring over a letter to her mum (awww bless), Shell watches on, totally unimpressed, and is even less so when Denny asks her advice...

Denny : Is arse-holes all one word?
Shell : How should I know?
Denny : Just asking.
Shell : What's it like being as thick as pig shit Denny?

...Shell stubs her cigarette out on Denny's letter and then heads off for a chat with Fenner just as Monica is allowed back onto the wing...

Denny : Oi posh bitch! Is arse-holes one word?
Monica : No, it's hyphenated, as in arse-licker.

The Julies are reading a birthday card sent by David, Julie S's son, Julie J is concerned that the card is four weeks late and both Julies wonder why David seems to go to such extremes to tell his mum about learning about fermentation in biology...The penny finally drops with Julie S who realises that David is talking about brewing hooch, the fermentation process will take four weeks, Julie S goes into orbit when she realises that this information is her birthday present. They couldn't...could they?

Meanwhile, Shell and Fenner are at it in the toilets. Shell complains about being back on Basic but Fenner is unsympathetic and tells her that she only has herself to blame and that there's very little chance that he'll be able to get her back on Enhanced. Shell ain't chuffed and tells Fenner that while she's still on Basic he's got no chance of a shag, Fenner doesn't seem too upset, Shell is though...

Shell : You don't know what it's like, Wade queening around on my landing while I'm stuck down here with these shits!

...Fenner advises Shell to keep her nose clean and start acting like a 'good little girl guide', he leaves Shell sitting, dejectedly, on the loo. As the camera pans away we notice that her roots need doing...poor Shell, she's not having a very good time of it at the moment.

The Julies are conspiring with David over the phone...

Julie S : (To David) That's nice David, try not to burn any holes in your trousers though eh?
Julie J : Oh he's not lighting his farts again is he?
Julie S nods.
Julie J : Ask him about the other.
Julie S : Oh yeah, listen tiddler, tell me some more about that what you wrote in the card, about the...
Both Julies : ...Fermentation.

...Oh dear, looks like they are serious about brewing up some Chateau Larkhall!!!

Monica receives a visit from Spencer who is very pleased to find out that his mum is coming home to visit...he's still got that cold though, let's hope he gets better before her visit.

The Julie's decide to do some research in the library, although there does seem to be a lack of books about wine-making, wonder why?? Monica comes across them and they ask her for some tips, it turns out that our Monica is a bit of an expert and she lists the ingredients the Julies will need, and then realises something...

Monica : You weren't actually thinking of making some in here were you?

...Monica soon realises that the gruesome twosome are serious and comes up with some more information at dinner later that day. The Julies decide to get some of the wing involved...

Julie S : Apple Denny?
Denny : Piss off man, they rot your teeth!

...With Denny recruited, the Julies go and visit Auntie Nikki, it seems they have plans for her watering-can...

Nikki : You're mad! Why me?
Julie J : Well it's just an idea.
Nikki : You're cleaners, why can you use the kitchens?
Julie S : No, well we did think of that.
Nikki : It's warm, it's clean...
Julie J : Yeah but it's too obvious, they'd find it.
Nikki : Well all I can offer you is filthy and freezing.
Julie S : Perfect.
Julie J : (Points to potting-shed) They'd never think of looking in here.
Julie S : Ere, do you use that watering-can?
Nikki : (Hugs watering-can protectively) Yeah thanks I do.
Julie J : It's only for four weeks please Nikki.
Julie S : Please?
Julie J : Go on.
Julie S : It is for us.
Julie J : You know you love us.
Nikki : Well how you gonna keep it at the right temperature?
Julie J : Well, what we thought was we could take it in turns to come down here and hug it.
Nikki : Pardon?
Julie S : Body heat, you know, we thought we'd take it in turns.
Nikki : You can count me out. What about at night? Doesn't it have to be kept warm permanently?
Julie J : Does it?
Julie S : Oh shit!
Nikki : (Spies compost heap out of the corner of her eye) Hang on.
Julie J : What?
Nikki : There might be a way.
Julie S : Yeah?
Nikki : (Spots a passing Bodybag) Yeah, I'll tell you later. (Suddenly goes all shifty and talks out of the side of her mouth...sooooo cute) What do you want me to do with this watering-can?
Julie J : Sterilise it.
Nikki : Yeah? What with?
Julie S : Sterilising tablets. (Hands Nikki a packet of fags) Alright?
Julie J : Everything's got to be sterilised.
(Nikki takes a cigarette from the packet and Julie J lights it for her, Nikki takes the tablets out of the pack and hands it back to Julie S)
Nikki : Where did you get them from?
Julie J : Mother and baby unit, they chucked 'em out the window at us.
Julie S : We got loads of 'em.
Julie J : We thought it was snowing.
(Bodybag can't stand the conspiracy any longer and bounds up.)
Bodybag : Are all you girls (girls???) gainfully employed?
Julie S : Yes thanks Miss.
Julie J : Yes Miss.
Nikki : Yeah.

...Denny decides to give Shell the good news...

Denny : I know something you don't.
Shell : So what?
Denny : The mad twins are brewing up some jungle juice and I got a share in it 'cause I gave 'em an apple.

...Shell goes to see the Julies...

Shell : Got any yeast?
Julie J : No.
Shell : Want some?
Julie S : You got some?
Shell : Might 'ave, if I get an invite to the party.
Julie J : Oh, we was gonna invite you Shell...
Both Julies :'re the cabaret.

Julie J makes an airlock out of a length of plastic tubing and a candle, very proud of her creation, she shows it to Julie S...

Julie J : Say I'm clever.
Julie S : You're very, very clever.

Not happy with being the scene for the infamous 'Tittygate' incident, the potting-shed is now the scene of probably the funniest moment of the whole series...

Julie S is inside the potting-shed and is pouring and squeezing her ingredients into the watering-can while Nikki hovers nervously in the background. Outside, Julie J is keeping watch and trying to look inconspicuous by sweeping (SWEEPING!!!) the grass. Bodybag can't fail to realise that something is going on and heads over to the potting-shed, Julie J knocks on the door frantically, while inside..

Nikki realises the game might be up and whips off her T-shirt and shows a magnificent (unfortunately) bra-clad bosom off to Julie S, who, understandably, is shocked...

Julie S : What you doing?

...But it seems that our Nikki has a plan and as Bodybag swings the door open, she can't help but be shocked by the sight of Nikki and Julie S both without tops....neither can Julie J, her face is a picture in the background...

Bodybag : I knew you were up to something yesterday!
Nikki : Oh please miss! You're not going to report us are you miss? We were only having a quick feel!

...Bodybag is shocked and acts all disgusted but you can't help but notice the way her eyes linger over Nikki's magnificent bosom...well, whose wouldn't???

An unspecified length of time later, Monica is summoned to Helen's office to hear the very sad news that Spencer has died. Monica is absolutely devastated and blames herself for not being there. Monica is taken back to her cell and is given a sedative, Helen stays with her until she falls asleep and then puts her to bed.

The following day, Helen tells the other officers about what has happened and tells them to grant every 'reasonable' request she makes, she also puts Monica on suicide watch...even Fenner is concerned, Bodybag isn't though...

Bodybag : Utmost respect! Just 'cause she's posh! To me, a con is a con is a con and they don't get any special mollycoddling.

...Helen, as always in times of trouble, goes to see Nikki in her cell, Nikki, even though she's wearing that wonderfully gorgeous white vest and looking her magnificent best, isn't pleased to see her...

Nikki : They'd never been apart, not once, in 30 years.
Helen : I know, I know everything that you're going to say and I agree. You're going to tell me that Spencer was serving a sentence too and that now he's dead because of it? I know that, I do know.
Nikki : How can you do it? How can you go home at night knowing that woman is banged up in a little brick box miles from her son's body? I mean, what the shit kind of torture do you think she's going through?
Helen : I know what she's going through, that's why I've come to see you. To ask you to be a good friend to her because she needs one just now.Alright?
Nikki : You amaze me!
Helen : Oh I didn't come here for a debate! (Leaves the cell and locks the door)
Nikki : (Through the door) You're full of shit just like all the others! You pretend you're not but you are!

...Helen looks very upset as she walks away.

Back at home that night, selfish bastard Sean goes on about plans for the wedding and a visit to his parents that Saturday. Helen realises that she's supposed to be taking Monica to Spencer's funeral on that day and tells Sean that she can't go with him. Sean, the twat, isn't very understanding and huffs and puffs before going off to phone his parents.

The following day, at breakfast, the Julies are worried about Monica, Shell notices their long faces...

Shell : What's up with you lot?
Julie S : We're upset about Monica's Spencer.
Shell : Oh yeah, I had a dog once that died, really cut me up that did. Well, it weren't my dog it were a friend's but I loved that dog.
Julie J : What happened to it?
Shell : I never shoulda stuck a firework up its arse!

Up in Monica's cell, Nikki is trying her best to comfort Monica who is clinging onto the jumper she was knitting for Spencer. Nikki decides to go and get some flowers from the garden when Julie J arrives to do her bit and presents Monica with a pair of tights (so she can look her best at the funeral) and tells her that they've decided to hold a wake for Spencer and crack open the Chateau Larkhall in his honour because...

Julie J : We all love you Monica and we want you to know that we care.

...Awwwww, it would bring tears to a glass eye!

The Julies put their plan into action and butter up a surprisingly sensitive Fenner who agrees to let them hold a wake in their cell, believing their tales about tea, biscuits and the odd hymn, more fool him!!! Meanwhile, Nikki arrives back from the garden with some flowers for Monica and runs into Helen on the landing...

Helen : How is she?
Nikki : Still not speaking. Sorry about the other day, the way I spoke to you. I'm taking her some flowers.
Helen : That's nice.
Nikki : Well, if I'm allowed to.
Helen : What do you mean?
Nikki : Flowers, usually they're banned from cells, aren't they?
Helen : Nikki!

...Helen walks off, a tad disgusted by Nikki's comment and Nikki is left with her flip-flops firmly in her mouth again...When will she learn to engage brain before using gob? Anyway, Bodybag seems to take exception to the flowers...

Bodybag : Where do you think you're going with them?
Nikki : I've got permission, from the governor, so you know what you can do? Don't you?

Denny, silly girl, tells Shell that the hooch is going to be opened after the funeral...Shell is locked up then with a very thoughtful look on her face...wonder what she's up to now?

Monica and Helen leave for the funeral and Helen, very sheepishly, is forced to put the handcuffs on, much to Monica's sister's disapproval. Helen finally relents and takes the handcuffs off. The funeral is a complete tear-jerker, especially when, after the service, Monica jumps into the grave and hugs Spencer's coffin.

Back at Larkhall, the Julies have a cunning plan to put to Nikki about the hooch, you know, they'd make a perfect pair of Baldricks...

Julie S : You do a relay, backwards and forwards, filling up your flask until everyone on the wing has got some.
Nikki : Oh piss off! That's the biggest pile of bollocks I've ever heard!
Julie J : You think of something then.
Nikki : Why should I? It's your stuff.
Julie S : You gotta help us.
Julie J : Oh Nikki.
Julie S : Please?
Julie J : Please?

...Oh dear, it seems that Nikki is unable to turn down a woman who begs for it!!!

Meanwhile, the mistress of distress, Shell Dockley, sneaks off in search of brownie points and tells Fenner about the hooch in hopes that it will help her get back on Enhanced.

Fenner turns over the potting-shed but doesn't notice the watering-can bubbling in the pile of compost...the potting-shed is clean and Fenner is not pleased...Shell suffers, yet again...

Fenner : This is the second time you've made me look stupid you mad cow!

...Poor Shell never learns...

Shell : Wanna shag?

...and is given a right ear-bashing.

Oh dear, all is not well on the cunning plan front. The Julies throw a rope made out of blankets down to Nikki in the garden who attaches the watering-can to it. The Julies pull it up...DUH! How you gonna get it through the bars Julies???...

Julie J : Oh shitty shitty shit, damn!
Julie S : Oh bollocks!
Julie J : Bollocks!

Julie S comes up trumps yet again and suggests that they fill cups and ferry it over to the sink, a sort of makeshift punch-bowl ala Armitage Shanks. Meanwhile, the wine is tested...

Julie S : What's it look like?
Julie J : Shit.
Julie S : What's it taste like?
Julie J : (Takes a swallow and gasps) Fantastic!

Down at dinner, Nikki tells the Julies that Shell snitched on them and then goes to have a few choice words with Shell...

Nikki : You're losing your grip Dockley!

...The Julies, totally over-excited, ask Nikki if she's coming to the wake, Nikki, after all her hard work, declines the invitation...bloody good job too! By the way Julie J reacted it looks as if anyone who drinks that stuff is going to need a cast iron stomach the gang discover when they drink it...

Shell : That is disbleedinggusting!

...Bodybag senses that something is afoot when she hears hysterical laughter coming from the Julie's cell...

Bodybag : Doesn't sound much like a wake to me!

...But then jumps to attention when she sees Helen letting Monica back on the wing. Bodybag then tootles off to see what's happening and enters the cell to find the gang praying....Shell? Praying? Surely she must smell a rat???....Brilliant sight to look out for here by the way...Crystaaaal praying very convincingly but swaying on her chair and then Denny hiccupping. Ye olde Bodybag's face is a picture but there ain't much she can prove, even when the obviously reeling about drunk inmates are sent back to their cells...

Bodybag : You've all got the screaming ab-dabs! Wake indeed, wake my backside!!!

Helen leaves Monica in her cell and goes over to speak to Nikki when she hears her calling out to Monica to check that she's okay, there then follows a brief conversation through Nikki's cell door...

Helen : Nikki, I think she needs some time on her own.
Nikki : What, in here? She'll be lucky.
Helen : I think I do as well.
Nikki : You've got Sean to go home to.
Helen : Yeah...G'night Nikki.
Nikki : Night Helen.

...and both stand at their respective sides of the door and about a million words are spoken silently.

Ladies and gentleman, Helen Stewart has left the building...


Top Dog of the Week
No one really stands out this week, so again, the title goes to Nikki for putting Shell in her place and keeping her there.

Twatting Twat of the Week
Bodybag for her 'con is a con is a con' speech and for being generally unsympathetic towards Monica.

Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Monica because of Spencer's've got to feel sorry for the poor love...superb acting by Jane Lowe too.

Spin Doctor of the Week
Goes to the 'mad twins', the Julies for putting the hooch idea into motion and for persuading Nikki to join in with their insanity, not once but twice. Also for persuading Fenner to let them hold the wake for Spencer.

Worst Girl of the Week
Shell for grassing about the Nikki said, she's 'losing her grip'.

Best Line of the Week
Monica : "No, it's hyphenated, as in arse-licker."

Julie J : "Well what we thought was, we could take it in turns to come down and hug it."

Nikki : "We were only having a quick feel miss!"

Worst Line of the Week
Shell gets all of the honours this week...

Shell : (To Fenner) "Wanna shag?"

Shell : "Never shoulda stuck a firework up its arse!"

Shell : "What's it like to be thick as pig shit Den?"

Shell : "Got any yeast?"

Yuk! The disgusting things that question brings to mind!!!

Warring Faction of the Week
Again, no one really sticks out but Shell and Nikki are worth a mention...Nikki baits Shell unmercifully and Shell gets her own back by grassing about the hooch to get Nikki in trouble.

Sight of the Week
Nikki in her bra.

Bodybag's face when she walks into the potting-shed to see Nikki and Julie 'having a quick feel'.

Julie J sweeping the grass...LMAO!!!

The Julies in general this week for brilliant facial expressions throughout.

Bodybag's face when she walks in on the wake.

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
Julie S states that she could smell the hooch brewing when she passed the compost heap...why couldn't any of the screws?

The Julie's cell must have smelt like a distillery, despite the fags they were all smoking, why didn't Bodybag suss?

Why was Shell still welcome at the wake after the Julies found out she grassed to Fenner?

Where was Zandra??? The funniest moments in the whole series and our beloved twatting twat isn't there to put her own two penneth in.

Nikki, frightful green bodywarmer, need I say more?

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