Season 1, Episode 3: Love Rival
Recap by Filbertfox


We see a package being thrown over the prison walls, this is concealed and then passed from one inmate to another until it is given to Zandra in return for a pair of earrings. Zandra hits herself up almost immediately and is discovered by a disapproving Monica and an unsurprised Bodybag…

Bodybag : Post! Looks like somebody loves the two of you today.
Zandra : You've read it, why don't you just tell us the juicy bits.
Bodybag : You can read it yourself when you get back to earth.

Fenner comes across Rachel in the library and asks for a word, Nikki, who is also in the library, makes her disapproval clear and pisses off Fenner…

Fenner : Listen to me you interfering dyke. Just keep that snout of yours where it belongs or you'll end up shagging the end of my boot!
Nikki : You really know how to talk to a woman, don't you Fenner?

Fenner and Rachel go back to her cell and Rachel asks Fenner if they'll still be able to see each other when she gets out of prison, Fenner says yes, but let's face it, he'll say anything to get his end away! Rachel rewards him with a blow-job.

It's post time and Dominic is the postman, he delivers a letter to the Julies and is flirted with unmercifully…

Julie S : I love it when you say please Sir. Don't you love it when he says please?
Julie J : Oooh, do anything for a man who says please.
Julie S : We could do anything…
Julie J : …At all.

After letting a squirming Dominic off the hook, the Julies ask Zandra if she's had a letter from Robin, her fiancé. Zandra explains that they would've been married now if she hadn't been locked up and Julie J tells her that she can get married inside, Zandra, being Zandra, is sceptical…

Zandra : Pull the other one, it farts Elvis.

Julie J insists that she is telling the truth and that Zandra should go and see Helen.

Back in Rachel's cell, apres blow-job, Rachel gives Fenner a letter she's written for him, the bastard flushes it down the loo and says that it's too risky and tells her off because someone else might have seen it.

Monica and Nikki talk about Spencer and Monica tells her that she's worried about him, the last visit upset him and she's not sure if he should visit again. Nikki tells her that she has to be positive and that she should start to try to get her appeal organised, then Shell sticks her oar in…

Shell : Going for something a bit more upmarket are you Wade?
Nikki : Get lost Dockley.
Shell : What's she got the other girls ain't? Mink instead of beaver?
Nikki : Anymore of that and I'll wipe that filthy gob of yours right across your face!

Zandra manages to catch up with Helen and tells her that she wants to get married. Zandra wants a decision there and then but is told by Helen to wait until she can make an appointment with her.

At visiting time, we see the object of Zandra's undying affection, a skinny git called Robin who hasn't even made the effort to bring any gear in for the poor woman. Zandra tells a stunned Robin that she's asked the governor about them getting married inside, Robin, the twat, is concerned that his parents will go 'nuclear'.

Robin tells Zandra that he's been in rehab and that he hasn't touched any drugs for three weeks, Zandra isn't that chuffed, even less so when Robin tries to persuade her to give up too…

Zandra : Give up? In here? Yeah and the Pope buys French ticklers from Tesco's

Back on the wing, Zandra is upset about Robin's visit and tells Monica that he's given up taking drugs, Monica is pleased and then concerned when Zandra bursts into tears. Dominic arrives with some news for Monica and is also concerned about Zandra…

Dominic : What's wrong with her?
Denny : Her pet cockroach got stood on.

Dominic's news is that Monica is going to be moved up to Enhanced, courtesy of Helen. Monica looks round the room but isn't impressed.

Down in the dinner queue, Shell tries to interfere with Rachel's dinner again but is foiled by Fenner who gives her the evil eye. Nikki has just been served and bumps into Helen, there is an instant, sexual tension/attraction type thing going on and Helen expresses an interest in what Nikki is reading only to be given short shrift again. Fenner tries to earn a few brownie points by pulling Nikki up for not paying Helen enough respect but Helen calls him off.

Later that evening, Zandra is feeling the effects of going cold-turkey and yaks up into the toilet bowl for what we assume is the umpteenth time that night. Denny, understandably, complains and then offers Zandra some free gear to shut her up but Zandra refuses.

The next day, the Julies try to persuade Zandra to wait until her release to get married…

Julie S : What is the point of getting married inside?
Julie J : She's right, you ain't even gonna get a honeymoon.
Julie S : Or a shag.

…but they are unsuccessful, so Julie S tries a new direction…

Julie S : It's only a bit of paper, it means sod all to a bloke.
Zandra : Piss off the pair of you!

Zandra toddles off to see Helen and is upset to be told that Helen won't let her get married because she's a drug user. Zandra insists that she's kicked the habit and Helen tells her that she might reconsider if Zandra stays clean, Zandra agrees to the deal and Helen arranges for her to go into detox.

Meanwhile, Fenner visits Rachel and is pissed off when Rachel asks him how many other women he's shagging, he says none and then asks where she heard it from; she tells him that she heard it from Nikki. Fenner talks himself out of the situation by telling Rachel that Nikki's jealous because she's got the hots for Rachel herself.

After her detox session, Zandra is returned to the wing and Bodybag looks on in disgust…

Bodybag : There's about as much chance of Zandra Plackett coming off the nasty as there is of Cliff Richard inviting me up to his hotel room for cream cakes and sex.

It's not Fenner's day; He gets yet another ear-bashing, this time from Shell, who wants to know what's going on between him and Rachel. Fenner insists that he's only got eyes for Shell and is then observed talking with her by a passing, and very suspicious, Helen.

Zandra goes to see the Julies and asks them to make her wedding dress and the Julies are excited by the obvious challenge…

Julie J : I think I've seen more meat on a veggie burger.
Julie S : And that cleavage is going to need some major support.
Julie J : Still, we love a challenge, don't we?

In the exercise yard, Monica speaks to Helen, who is wearing a hideous padded body-warmer, and tells her that she's decided to go ahead with her appeal. Helen is pleased and Monica explains that talking to some of the other inmates helped her make up her mind and then looks over at Nikki. Helen follows Monica's gaze and looks over at Nikki with what seems like new respect.

Meanwhile, Denny isn't exactly impressed when Bodybag introduces her to her new inmate, a religious woman called Crystal…

Bodybag : Right, I'll leave you two to get to know each other. Just be careful the way you look at her.
Crystal : Anybody better be careful the way they look at me or I'll take their eye out.
Bodybag : Fine, just as long as you clean up the mess afterwards.

Denny and Crystal are joined by Shell who decided to try to intimidate Crystal with little success, so she decides to snog Denny in front of her, this has the desired effect…

Shell : Enjoy that did you? Crystaaal?
Crystal : Will you two be so hot for each other when you're burning in hell? I'll ask God to forgive you.
Shell : Bollocks! In here, I'm God, remember it!

In Helen's office, Helen tells Jim that she's noticed that he gets along very well with Shell Dockley…

Fenner : I'd like to think I get along with most of the girls in here.
Helen : Women Jim, it's not a Swiss finishing school.

Fenner explains that he has a relaxed attitude with the women but tells Helen that if she wants him to toughen up then he will do…

Fenner : You're the boss.
Helen : That's right, I am. I know you don't like it but it's a fact of life.
Fenner : What I like or don't isn't important, but if the Home Office decides that it wants University graduates with little or no experience running its prisons that's their look out.
Helen : I see.
Fenner : Well, if that's all miss?

Meanwhile, Nikki phones Trish, again, and gets the answer phone, again. Is Trish off her rocker we ask ourselves?

It's visiting time again and Robin is very impressed that Zandra has given up the smack but is still concerned about Zandra's excitement about the wedding.

Helen just happens to be walking past Nikki's cell again and finds her reading…

Helen : More George Eliot? It's good to see the women using the library.
Nikki : People in here aren't stupid you know, they're brighter than your screws anyway.
Helen : My officers are trained professionals.
Nikki : Well if Fenner's anything to go by you'd be better training chimpanzees.
Helen : He reckons you're a tough nut, difficult for difficult's sake he says.
Nikki : Yeah, well I'm not in his fan club am I?
Helen : What's that supposed to mean?
Nikki : You work it out for yourself.
Helen : If Mr Fenner's conduct is less than professional you'd better tell me Nikki.
Nikki : Look, I'm nobody's nark. Especially not yours.

The Julies are fitting Zandra's new dress and Zandra is full of plans about what her and Robin will do when she gets out. Nikki joins in and can't understand why Zandra is making such a fuss about getting married but tells Zandra that she hopes she'll be happy.

Helen is at home, helping Sean pot his seedlings. She comments on how relaxing it is and says that she can see why some of the women work in the prison garden, which brings her nicely on to the subject of Nikki. Helen tells Sean about Nikki and says that she'd be a great ally if she could get her on her side…is Helen considering flirting with Nikki to get her way? Even the normally self-obsessed Sean comments on Helen's interest…

Sean : I know the prisoners are important to you Helen but that one's becoming an obsession, anyway, didn't you say she was a lesbian?
Helen : Yeah, she is.
Sean : Well maybe that's your problem, you're the right sex but the wrong variety. You like your gardeners to wear Y-fronts, don't you?

Helen looks into the distance with…is that a wistful look on her face? Sounds like she might be floating down that great Egyptian River to me, you know the one, de Nile.

Back at the prison, Helen sees Crystal in her office and asks her how she's getting on. Crystal complains about the drug situation and asks Helen what she's going to do about it. Helen, not chuffed by Crystal's attitude, goes straight to the officers room where Bodybag and Fenner are on their tea break and ask for a report on Crystal, Fenner, predictably, ain't amused…

Fenner : I swear I'm going to swing for that cow one day.
Bodybag : You'll get in line like the rest of us.

Crystal is still complaining about the goings on in the prison…

Crystal : We're in here 'cause we done wrong and what do we get? Karaoke, TV, cookery, drugs and weddings, that ain't what I call punishment. No wonder people come back for more.

Zandra's dress is finally finished, a fetching creation from the 'Two Julies' label, trimmed with the end of a mop. Zandra is impressed and asks the Julies to be her bridesmaids, the Julies are pleased and then go into a tizz about bridesmaids dresses.

Meanwhile, Monica reads something disturbing in her newspaper and shows it to Helen who asks to see Zandra immediately.

Monica then toddles off to speak to Nikki about her appeal but Shell gets in on the act…

Shell : What do you reckon it is with Wade and the hooray Denny? She's not exactly a looker, is she?
Nikki : You're all worked up about my love life Dockley, seems you'd be better keeping an eye on your own, from what I've seen I'd say your friend
Fenner's traded you in for a younger model.
Shell : What's that supposed to mean?
Nikki : R, for Rachel.
Shell : Bullshit!

Big mistake Nikki, Shell's on the rampage now!

Helen shows Zandra an engagement announcement in Monica's newspaper. Robin, the two-faced twat, has gotten engaged to someone else. Zandra, understandably, totally freaks out.

Helen tries to comfort Zandra who doesn't believe that Robin has done the dirty on her, he's a man isn't he? Helen arranges for Robin to visit and he tells Zandra that it's the truth, that he did it because it was what his parents wanted…oh come on Robin! Are you a man or a schoolboy? Zandra responds in the best possible way and stabs Robin in the face with Helen's biro.

Meanwhile, Shell beats Rachel up in her cell…

Shell : Think you're something to look at, don't you Hicks? Well listen to me bitch! You're going to be looking over your shoulder every day goes by in here and you know what? I'm gonna be right there behind you, and one day, I'm going to have a blade in my hand to cut that cock-sucking mouth right out your face!

Fenner comes across Shell as she leaves Rachel's cell…

Fenner : What are you up to?
Shell : Girl talk. Don't worry, everything you're interested in is still in working order.

Fenner tries to placate Shell, telling her that Rachel came on to him but he turned her down, there's nothing going on. Shell doesn't believe him at first but he wins her round with a shag.

A while later, Shell serves dinner with a smug smile on her face. Rachel is in the queue and terrified, she collapses, thanks to her injuries and is escorted down to the hospital wing.

Zandra is upset in her cell after lock-up. Denny is unsympathetic but Crystal tries to comfort her, only to hear that Zandra is pregnant.


Top Dog of the Week
Helen for walking all over Fenner (at last!) and for telling Zandra she'll give her permission for the wedding if she stays off the drugs...also, for providing a much needed shoulder for Zandra and not punishing her when she stabs Robin with a biro.

Twatting Twat of the Week
Sorry...has to go to Nikki for planting suspicions about Fenner and Rachel in Shell's twisted brain.

Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Zandra. She's going through detox, she's dumped by her fiancé and, if that's not enough, she finds out that she's pregnant.

Spin Doctor of the Week
Fenner. For managing to persuade Rachel that there's nothing going on between him and Shell and for managing to persuade Shell that there's nothing going on between him and Rachel....and for managing to have enough energy left to shag both of them.

Worst Girl of the Week
Jointly awarded to Shell for more vicious bullying of Rachel and to Rachel for being so bloody pathetic you just want to slap her!!!

Best Line of the Week
Shell: "What's she got that the other girls ain't, mink instead of beaver?"

Zandra: "Give up? In here? Yeah, and the Pope buys French ticklers
from Tescos."

Dominic: "What's up with her?"
Denny: "Her pet cockroach got stood on."

Crystal: "Will you two be so hot for each other when you're burning
in hell?"

But the winner is...

Bodybag: "There's about as much chance of Zandra Plackett coming off the nasty as there is of Cliff Richard inviting me up to his hotel room for cream cakes and sex."

Worst Line of the Week
Fenner: "Listen to me you interfering dyke. Just keep that snout of yours where it belongs or you'll end up shagging the end of my boot!"

Warring Faction of the Week
Shell and Rachel...there's trouble brewing, I can smell it!

Sight of the Week
Rachel going down on Fenner....ewwwwww!!!

Zandra yakking up into the loo....double ewwwww!!!

Zandra's wedding dress...The Emmanuel's it ain't.

Helen in that bodywarmer...what was she thinking of???

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
How did Zandra get the connections to get those drugs brought in and how in the hell did she get through that lot so quickly?

Just when did Helen give Zandra the go-ahead to get married? Or was she just being previous when she asked the Julies to make her dress.

Eagle-eyed Monica spotting that engagement announcement in the newspaper...what are the odds of that happening? There was a pretty good chance that Monica knew Robin's first name, but his surname too???

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