Season 1, Episode 2: Drug Wars
Recap by Filbertfox

Synopsis

The episode starts with new prisoners arriving - This is the one we've all been waiting for - Zandra arrives…YAY!! And so does Monica, cue dramatic look from her when the barred gate swings shut.

Meanwhile, in the dinner queue…

Dawn : Are you going to the karaoke tonight?
Nikki : No, don't wanna see Dockley singing her tits off.


Shell tries it on by serving Rachel a vegan meal, Nikki intervenes and then warns Rachel off Fenner. Rachel pretends that she doesn't know what Nikki is talking about, Nikki tells her that Dockley is doing life for killing a girl she was jealous of and advises Rachel to steer clear of both her and Fenner.

Meanwhile, Helen tells Fenner and Bodybag that she's received a tip-off about drugs testing and accuses them of fiddling the results by only testing women they know are clean to avoid the paperwork and looking bad to the Home Office…

Bodybag : Well excuse me! Well I think it's us women officers should be complaining about urine tests, it's alright for the men's prisons, they're always showing themselves to each other but I don't want to watch women going to the toilet.

Fenner explains to Helen that every prison is at it but Helen tells him that from now on he will only test women that he suspects are taking drugs.

Back in reception, Monica is having a very hard time and is ordered to strip by Lorna who gives her a very fetching blue dressing gown to wear. Zandra tries to engage her in conversation…

Zandra : What's your name?
Monica : Monica.
Zandra : Ooooh, Moni-car! That's interesting, I'm Zarn-drar. Moni-car and Zarn-drar, well, it sounds interesting. What would be interesting is if it didn't take half a day to go through this BORING BOLLOCKS!'


Fenner goes to visit Rachel and tells her that he feels bad about taking advantage of her, Rachel insists that she wants it and tells Fenner that she loves him.

Monica and Zandra are talking. Zandra asks Monica what she's in for, Monica insists that her being in prison is a mistake and she shouldn't be there, Zandra tells her that everyone in the place is innocent. Bodybag walks in and Monica asks to be able to use the phone, Bodybag recognises Monica from the newspapers but tells her that she'll have to wait to use the phone.

Helen catches Nikki, who is clad in the sort of hideous bathrobe that nightmares are made of, on the way back from the shower and tells her that it wasn't her idea to ship Carol out, the governor did it to avoid her suing the prison service. Nikki isn't impressed and refers to the new anti-drugs posters that Helen has been telling the officers to pin up, Helen tells Nikki that she's sick of what the non-users have to put up with, Nikki, again, is not impressed and walks away.

What does Helen have to do to get through to her?

Back in reception, it's strip search time for Monica. Bodybag tells Monica that she needs to check her underwear for contraband but Monica kicks up a fuss...

Bodybag : See the attitude? As if it's the highlight of my day to peer up women's smelly bottoms.

Monica is forced to strip, still kicking up a fuss. Zandra, wanting to get onto the wing, pops her head round the door.

Zandra : Oh leave it out! Just give the sad old cow a flash Monica!

Shell goes to see Rachel and makes her write a letter to the DST (Dedicated Search Team) to tell them that she is being bullied by a dealer who is trying to get her to use her contacts to bring drugs in. Rachel is confused and asks Shell why she wants her to write a letter that mentions her name; Shell tells her that she'll tell her whose name to put down.

Zandra persuades a guard to let her use the toilet and we find out that she has half a poppy field up her fanny, she cooks up using the water from the loo and then leaves the toilet. Zandra is walking on air, but then spots Denny on the other side of the corridor and asks a guard what wing she's on.

Back on G-Wing. Julie S receives a letter from her son saying that he's going to France with the family of a schoolfriend but she has to ring to confirm the details. Julie is aghast…

Julie S : I can't phone his friend's parents.
Julie J : Why not?
Julie S : Why not? Because I'm supposed to sound like I'm as posh as they are, not cor blimey common from Clapham Park!


Julie J tells Julie S that she had a punter once who used to be an actor on Emmerdale and that he said that you can sound posh by putting a button in your mouth when you talk. Julie J hands Julie S a button…

Julie J : Ring ring, ring ring, ring ring. Posh, hello.
Julie S : Hello, is that Mrs Collingham-Reed?
Julie J : Posh, yes speaking.
Julie S : Hello Mrs Collingham-Reed, this is Mrs Saunders, David Saunders muvver.


…Julie S spits the button out in disgust.

Monica and Zandra are assigned to a wing, Zandra is not impressed when she hears that they are going to G-Wing and tells Bodybag that there are people there who are out to get her, she asks to be moved to H-Wing but the request is turned down by Bodybag. They are taken to G-Wing and are put in the same cell as Denny.

Denny realises that Zandra owes her and Shell for two packets of smack from when she was on remand and attacks her, Monica tells Denny to leave Zandra alone and then slaps Denny when she tells her to get lost.

We see the very scary looking DST mobilizing - They've had a tip-off on G-Wing.

Nikki takes Monica under her wing and explains to her about the ins and outs of prison life and then introduces her to the two Julies…

Julie S : It's not all that bad. Nice people.
Julie J : Nice people.
Julie S : Nice sewing room.
Julie J : Nice sewing room.
Julie S : Very nice mushroom quiche.
Julie J : Very nice mushroom quiche, when we have it.
Julie S : When we have it. It's not all bad Monica.


Shell and Denny discuss Zandra, Shell assumes that because she's a junkie she must have something on her and tells Denny to search Zandra's stuff.

Monica goes to see Helen and complains about her treatment and about being away from her son who's never spent a night away from her. Helen asks how old Monica's son is, and when told that he's 30, tells Monica that it's about time he started looking after himself, she is stunned when Monica tells her that he has Downs Syndrome. Looks like its foot in the mouth time for Helen.

The DST are on the move and knock on the door of Nikki's cell…

Nikki : Oh wow, are you both for me?
DST woman: Stand up Wade.
Nikki : Yes Sir.
DST woman : Have you got anything in this room or on your person you shouldn't have?
Nikki : No Sir.
DST woman : Are you trying to be disrespectful to me?
Nikki : Disrespectful Sir?
DST woman : Look…
Nikki : Sorry, I thought you were a man, sorry miss.
DST woman : Strip!


Helen hears that Nikki has been paid a visit by the DST from a jubilant Fenner. Why does Helen look so worried?

Meanwhile, Nikki is stark bollock naked in her cell, the DST are disappointed not to find anything, but they're not finished yet, a mirror is produced…

DST woman : Legs apart, squat down.
Nikki : God, it must drive you mad not being allowed to touch me.


Nikki gets the all clear and stands up. Dominic just happens to be passing Nikki's cell and gets an eyeful, the naughty boy stops for a good look though.

Later, Helen visits Nikki as she's tidying up her cells. Nikki, not surprisingly, isn't pleased to see her. Helen tries to explain that it will benefit all of the non-users in the long room but Nikki's not convinced…

Nikki : Well, fantastic, I'm really glad that you're convinced that you're doing the right thing now just piss off out of my space!
Helen : You really let yourself down Nikki.


Okay, here is the scene that earned the box-set its 18 certificate – the infamous de-crutching scene…

Denny and Shell have realised that Zandra has crutched her stash and decide to take it by force, a procedure involving rubber gloves and a jumbo-sized tub of margarine. Zandra, understandably, ain't impressed.

Meanwhile, Rachel tells Fenner that Shell made her write the letter to the DST, Fenner is spooked by this and tells her to keep away from Shell.

Monica goes back to her cell to find Zandra curled up on her bunk in agony. Not knowing what to do, she pays a visit to Nikki…

Nikki : Who the hell do you think I am? Head bloody prefect? Go and tell a sodding screw!
Monica : I don't trust the sodding screws! Do you?


Nikki goes with Monica to see Zandra and realises that she's been de-crutched, she tells her that she'll go and get some salt from the kitchen and that Monica will stay with her while she has a bath. Monica still hasn't caught on and is appalled when Nikki tells her what has happened.

The following day, Fenner takes Shell to one side and has a go at her for making Rachel write the letter to the DST. Fenner warns Shell to stay away from Rachel, saying that she's trouble, Shell, starting to twig that something's going on, isn't convinced.

It's visiting time and the nuns have brought Monica's son, Spencer, to visit. The nuns have told Spencer that Monica is inside doing a special job for the Queen, he still doesn't understand why she can't come home.

Meanwhile, Nikki is pleased to see her girlfriend Trish (lucky cow) and Zandra is pissed off because her fiancé hasn't turned up.

The DST swoops on a couple they think are exchanging drugs by the well-known and often used French kiss method. The ensuing melee upsets Spencer. Cue Julie J to the rescue, she encourages everyone to clap, Spencer, thinking that the whole thing is a game, starts to calm down but Monica is very upset.

After visiting time, the inmates are creating and are not let out for association.Helen apologises to the other officers and admits that the DST idea was a bad one. Helen is shell-shocked and Fenner wipes the floor with her.

After lock-up, the inmates start shouting insults at each other…

Shell : Oi Wade! Did you have a good time with the squat squad?
Nikki : Yeah, fantastic. Well, I did with the good-looking one!


____________

Awards

Top Dog of the Week
Monica. On her first day on the Wing, she slaps Denny, comes to Zandra's rescue and orders Nikki about...all in a nice way of course, and then she steps in to provide a posh voice for the Julies.

Twatting Twat of the Week
Shell for forcing Rachel to write a letter to the DST, tipping them off that Nikki has drugs in her cell.

Dominic for lingering on the landing to get an eyeful of a naked Nikki.

Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Zandra. For being decrutched....yuk!!!

Spin Doctor of the Week
Hmmm....has to go to the Julies this week for the enthusiastic way they list Larkhall's good points...

Julie S: "It's not all that bad. Nice people."
Julie J: "Nice people."
Julie S: "Nice sewing room."
Julie J: "Nice sewing room."
Julie S: "Very nice mushroom quiche."
Julie J: "Very nice mushroom quiche, when we have it."
Julie S : "When we have it. It's not all bad Monica."


Worst Girl of the Week
Scary DST woman for making Nikki squat over a mirror.

Best Line of the Week
Blooming loads, our cup runneth over this week...

Zandra: "What would be interesting is if it didn't take half a day to go through this BORING BOLLOCKS"

Bodybag: "See the attitude? As if it's the highlight of my day to peer up women's smelly bottoms!"


The bulk of the honours go to Nikki though...

Nikki: "Sorry, I thought you were a man, sorry miss."

Nikki: "God, it must drive you mad not being allowed to touch me."

Nikki: "Just piss off out of my space!"

Nikki: "Who the hell do you think I am? Head bloody prefect?"

Shell: "Oi Wade! Did you have a good time with the squat squad?"
Nikki: "Yeah, fantastic. Well, I did with the good looking one!"


Worst Line of the Week
Both go to the scary DST woman...

"Strip!"

"Legs apart, squat down!"


Both lines are scary enough to send shivers down your spine.

Warring Faction of the Week
Shell and Zandra, Zandra has the drugs and Shell wants them, by any means necessary.

Sight of the Week
The infamous decrutching scene.

Scary DST woman.....ewwwwww!

Nikki in the nude!!!!! Well, from the back, but you do get to see her bottom and the suggestion of a magnificent bosom.

Zandra all sulky in her bathrobe.

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries
That ITV actually allowed them to screen the decrutching scene.

How Rachel still manages to fall under Fenner's spell despite warnings from Nikki and Shell...is the woman deaf or just plain stupid???

How the wardrobe woman managed to provide the sort of hideous bathrobe that nightmares are made of for Nikki to wear and still managed to hang onto her job.

Helen thinking that Nikki would be impressed with her tough stance on drugs after her cell has been ripped apart and she's had to squat over a mirror.

What on earth did the DST need an electric screwdriver for??? The mind boggles!!!

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