Season 1, Episode 1: Them & Us
Recap by Filbertfox


The series kicks off with scenes of the rehearsals for the Larkhall fashion show interspersed with scenes of an inmate, Carol, in obvious pain and screaming in her cell.

We then get our first glimpse of the pond slime that is Jim Fenner as he decides to end the rehearsal by switching on the lights, causing loud protests from the inmates. Fenner says that it's lock-up time but we know that he is, in fact, traumatised by the sight of the Julies in their tin-foil bras and Denny in her pink plastic mac.

The inmates are locked up and Denny takes a moment to threaten Rachel, and the Julies take a moment to flirt outrageously with Dominic…

Julies : Dominic super dick, you're the one we'd love to lick

Then, half of the lesbians in the country sit up to attention as they get their first proper glimpse of the goddess that is Nikki Wade. It turns out that Nikki is a good friend of Carol's and concerned that she wasn't at the rehearsals, she argues with Bodybag who refuses to let her see Carol before lock-up.

Carol is banging on her cell door with bloody hands and calling out for Nikki. Bodybag, such a sympathetic soul, tell her to be quiet and then doesn't believe Carol when the poor sod tells her she's bleeding and asks to see the doctor. Bodybag tells Carol to get some sleep, she can see the doctor in the morning, and she then leaves the wing with Lorna…

Bodybag : My Bobby's doing his braised meatballs tonight.
Lorna : Lucky you.
Bodybag : I am Lorna, I've been salivering all day.

The following morning, the remaining half of all of the lesbians in the country sit to attention as they see Helen Stewart, Wing Governor extraordinaire, for the first time. She sits in her car and applies her make-up and then wonders why she receives a very dodgy look from an officer when he allows her through the prison gates. When she parks her car and checks her reflection we see the reason for the dodgy look – the stupid mare has panda eyes after a wobbly application of mascara, cue an embarrassed smile and hearts fluttering all over the country.

Inside the wing, Bodybag and Dominic are letting out the prisoners on G3. Dominic finds Carol unconscious in her cell, blood everywhere. Bodybag panics and tells Dominic to lock up the G3 prisoners they've already let out while she calls an ambulance.

Meanwhile, Fenner goes to visit Helen in her office…

Fenner : Morning ma'am.
Helen : Please Jim, I'm not the bloody queen.

…where the fashion show is discussed…

Helen : You know he's got the minister coming now? We'll have more VIPs out front than Vivian Westwood.

Fenner changes the subject and starts talking about Rachel Hicks, a new inmate, who he seems to have a very soft (or hard) spot for, he asks Helen about moving her up to Enhanced because she isn't coping very well with being in the dorm and is being picked on. Helen agrees to Fenner's idea about her working in the officers' room but says she'll have to wait to get a single cell until there are vacancies.

Dominic goes downstairs to fetch the Julies, and everyone is now wondering why the G3 prisoners are still locked up, Nikki is extremely suss and questions Lorna about it.

Meanwhile, in the breakfast queue, Shell is pressuring Rachel about her drug contacts on the outside, when Rachel refuses to tell her anything Shell refuses to serve her anything but a great sticky blob of porridge, saying that if Rachel wants her share then she'll have to earn it.

Back up on G3, Bodybag pushes the Julies into Carol's cell and tells them to clean it, the Julies manage to shout to Nikki and tell her that the cell is covered in 'claret'.

After the trouble on the wing, Helen gives a sobbing Bodybag the bollocking of a lifetime and asks her why she didn't report Carol's condition before she left the wing that night, Bodybag explains that Carol often pretended that she was ill to get attention and Fenner backs her up. Helen then says that she has been to visit Carol and that Carol said that she told Bodybag she was bleeding, Bodybag denies this.

Helen, now very concerned about the other prisoners, orders Fenner to call a wing meeting, he protests but doesn't get very far, so, he decides to cheer himself up by stopping off to smarm over Rachel before helping to get the prisoners together for the meeting.

Helen stalks on to the wing and causes uproar by telling the inmates that she has no option but to consider Carol's miscarriage a tragic accident. Nikki is outraged and storms down the stairs, ready for her first ever confrontation with Helen…Fur flies, hard stares are exchanged, it's pure chemistry and the sparks that fly threaten to set the wing ablaze…

Nikki : She nearly bled to death, you should all be sacked!
Helen : I'm sorry, but as far as I can conclude, there are no grounds for disciplinary action. I promise you, I'm going to make changes to procedures so no more accidents like this can ever happen here again.
Nikki : What do you mean accidents? That wasn't an accident.
Julie S : She was calling for a doctor!
Julie J : We 'eard her!
Nikki : (Points to Bodybag) And so did that cow there! So, how come she didn't lift a finger?

The wing is in uproar, Fenner shuts everyone up.

Nikki : Now let me say it for her, well what she's telling us is that we're all the same, because even when we're bleeding to death, we don't get believed. Well I'm telling her from us, you can't run this prison unless we help you, and if we don't get respect from your screws then don't think that we're going to make you look good in front of your VIP visitors because we're not! So, you can shove your stupid fashion show up your arse!
Helen : (Squares up to Nikki) Fine, consider it cancelled! This wing will not be taking part. (Points at Nikki) You are on rule 43! (Turns to Fenner) Lock them up!

Nikki is taken down to the punishment block and put into solitary after being stripped of her clothes.

Shell goes ballistic when the fashion show is cancelled, Fenner tries to placate her only to be told by Shell that he better fix it, or else. Fenner decides to be a complete bastard by going off to butter up Stubberfield, the No.1 Governor and Helen's boss. Helen is then ordered to make sure that G-Wing takes part in the fashion show, Helen is seriously not amused.

Helen returns to the wing and walks into the office only to find that Bodybag is slagging her off. Helen gets her own back by ordering Bodybag to check a frequent shoplifter, 'Smelly' Nellie, 'top and tail for parasites', Bodybag is not amused, cue hilarious scenes of Bodybag trying to scrub down a woman who obviously hasn't seen a bath this side of the Queen's silver jubilee.

A smug Fenner then goes to crow to Shell, and in a very touching scene, while she sits on the toilet, he tells her that the fashion show is back on.

Julie J is upset that Carol has lost her baby; it makes her think about her own children. Julie S tries to comfort her…

Julie S : Who are we?
Julie J : We're the two Julies.
Julie S : And who can come between us?
Julie J : Nobody and nothing ever.

The Julies then get a goody bag together for Nikki and swing it over to Dawn's cell, just in the nick of time because Fenner knocks on their door and asks them if they're ready for work, only to be told that the Julies are on strike. Fenner turns on his oily charm and persuades the Julies to get back to work otherwise they'll lose all of their privileges.

It's dinnertime down on the block and Dawn and Shell are on trolley duty.

Shell wastes no time in taunting Nikki and tells her that the fashion show is back on then refuses to give her any dinner. Dawn comes to the rescue and drops the goody bag into Nikki's cell, Nikki is almost pathetically grateful…it's amazing how the sight of a carton of 'Ribena' and a half smoked packet of 'Superkings' can get to some people.

Back at her flat, Helen is trying to recover from a very traumatic day…

Helen : Let's get pissed tonight.

…and complains about it to Sean…

Sean : God! You sulky bitch, you need a damn good thrashing!

…but gets nothing but a mauling from the selfish, smug bastard…

Sean : Fancy a shag?
Helen : No.

Bodybag has escorted 'Smelly' Nellie to her cell…

Nellie : Who am I in with?
Bodybag: Remember the two Julies?
Nellie : Oh no! Not those nutters!

The Julies are none too impressed either, especially when they have to stand by the open window, face-packs to the wind, as Nellie has a crap.

The following day, Helen and Sean argue when she drops him off at work. Sean thinks that Helen has handled the fashion show situation all wrong and has blown it up out of all proportion. Helen disagrees and drives away in a huff. Why doesn't she just tell the patronizing tosser where to get off?

Helen goes straight down to solitary where she is very pissed off to find that Nikki's clothes have been taken away, she apologises to Nikki who isn't exactly impressed.

The Julies are getting very pissed off with 'Smelly' Nellie and come up with a cunning plan to help her get through her hearing at the magistrate's court. The cunning plan involves the dress that Shell is supposed to be wearing in the fashion show, we just hope that the Julies are fast enough to do a runner when Shell finds out.

Meanwhile, Nikki is getting dressed while Helen looks out of the window, stupid woman, well, she'll learn! Helen tries to persuade Nikki to get the women onto her side, Nikki finally agrees and is then allowed back onto the wing where she wastes no time in telling the others that the fashion show is back on. Nikki is treated like a hero by the wing and Helen regains the wing's respect, much to the disgust of Fenner.

The fashion show goes ahead and lots of fun is had by all. Cue lots of embarrassing scenes of Shell strutting her stuff in a lovely gold lamé number.

After the show, Helen tries to thank Nikki only to be told that Nikki didn't do it for her, Helen is tres pissed off and stalks off. This exchange is witnessed by Shell, and you can almost see her evil brain trying to work out what's going on between Nikki and the Wing Governor.

Rachel has been moved up to Enhanced only to find that Shell is in the cell next door. After lock-up, Shell shouts through the wall and threatens Rachel…

Shell : Deep down I've got a great big soft spot for you Rachel and I can't wait to gob it in your face.

…not knowing that Fenner is in Rachel's cell and already working his wicked way on her.



Top Dog of the Week  
Nikki Wade of course. From the moment she storms down those stairs to confront Helen it's pretty obvious that in order to gain G-Wing's respect you must first gain Nikki's.

The Julies gain a mention here for sending Dawn down the block with a goody bag for Nikki.

Twatting Twat of the Week  
Fenner of course, not content with shagging Shell Dockley, he's now letching over newcomer Rachel Hicks. He also gets bad marks for trying to nobble Helen by running to Stubberfield to tell tales.

Bodybag is in a very close second place here for ignoring Carol's pleas to see the doctor just 'cause she wants to get home to Bobby and his braised meatballs.

Sean...well, just because dare he call Helen a 'sulky bitch' and then demand a shag!!!!

Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Carol. For being left to bleed half to death and miscarry her baby in her cell by Bodybag.

Spin Doctor of the Week  
Helen. For persuading Nikki to talk to the wing and give her go ahead for the fashion show.

Worst Girl of the Week  
Shell Dockley for unmerciful bullying of Rachel and for even daring to refuse Nikki any dinner when she's down the block.

Best Line of the Week  
Slim pickings with it being the first episode...

Helen: "Please Jim, I'm not the bloody queen"

Helen: "More VIPs out front than Vivian Westwood"

Shell: "Deep down I've got a great big soft spot for you Rachel and I can't wait to gob it in your face!"

Worst Line of the Week

Sean: "Fancy a shag?"

Julies: "Dominic super dick, you're the one we'd love to lick" Purely for cringe value of course!!!

Warring Faction of the Week  
Helen and Nikki, from the moment they first confronted each other over a crowded landing it was chemistry...oh well, they say the course of true love never runs smooth!!!

Sight of the Week  
Helen and her dodgy application of mascara.

Bodybag having to wash down Smelly Nellie.

Helen eating that digestive biscuit...I'm not a great Helen fan but I have to admit that she has a very appealing nibble!

The Julies in their face packs.

Cringesome fashion show scenes.

Larkhall Miracles and Mysteries  
Why didn't Shell kill the Julies for giving Smelly Nellie her dress?

Just how did Nikki manage to hide the rubbish from her goody bag down on the block without any of the screws noticing?? Did she crutch it??

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