Season 1, Episode 10: Love Hurts
Recap by Filbertfox
The episode starts with the inmates being let out of their cells for
breakfast. Dominic knocks on one particular cell door and gets no answer
so is forced to walk straight in. Yvonne is lying in bed wearing cotton
wool in her ears and an eye-mask, Dominic wakes her up and it's plain to
see that it's lust at first sight as far as she is concerned...
Yvonne : I've been here almost a fortnight, where have you been hiding
Dominic : I've been on holiday.
Yvonne : Oh really? Anywhere nice?
Dominic : Rhyl.
Yvonne : Oooh, you certainly know how to live don't ya?
Dominic : Now come on, out now, I mean it.
Yvonne : So do I gorgeous, I mean, yes Sir.
...Dominic leaves the cell and Yvonne almost falls off her bunk in her
eagerness to ogle his retreating arse.
NO NO NO!!! MONICA IS COUNTING HER PILLS AGAIN!!!!! This is getting bloody
ridiculous now!!! Although she has moved them from the toothpaste tube and
wrapped them in a nice pink hankie.
Down at breakfast, Zandra joins Nikki, Monica and a very sheepish looking
Crystal...Zandra starts talking to Monica about her appeal...
Zandra : You'll soon be eating out in posh restaurants again won't ya?
...Julie S arrives at the table and asks Zandra to sign a petition for
Miss Stewart so that they can get their open visits back. She notices
Crystal and launches into an attack...
Julie S : And you? You better keep out of my way 'cause I could smack
your face for what you said to that newspaper.
Crystal : Drugs is evil! I was doing God's work!
Julie S : So like God don't want mums to cuddle their own kids?
Crystal : I didn't mean that, did I?
Julie S : Well you should've stopped to think then, shouldn't ya? Stupid
...Crystal, realising that she's beaten, leaves the table, Julie S jumps
into her seat and asks Nikki to take the petition up to Helen, Nikki says
that if Helen got the petition from her then she'd 'chuck it in the
bin'...Nikki leaves the table in a sulk, Julie S is devastated.
Helen arrives in her office to find an 'Open University' letter on her
desk, oooops, looks like she's going to have to share its contents with
everyoneís favourite English degree student before long.
Back on the wing, Shell is being treated like a plague carrier and can't
understand why everyone hates her for setting up a screw Denny suggests
that maybe she targeted the wrong screw and next time maybe she should get
Bodybag sacked. Talking of the rotund one, check her out in the
background, exchanging cagey stares with Yvonne Atkins. Crystal decides
that now might be the right time to ask Shell if she wants to join her in
a rousing chorus of 'Kumbyah'...
Shell : No I don't, nutter.
...Crystal twigs that Shell has been taking her for a mug and storms off.
Yvonne seems to be making a few friends on the wing, maybe it's because of
the free fags she is giving away...hmmm...won't be long before Shell
starts to object I should think.
Nikki has been summoned to Helen's office by Fenner...
Helen : Now, it's about your exam, Iíll arrange for an invigilator to
Nikki : Thought you were giving up in taking an interest in me miss.
Helen : Oh look...
Nikki : Why have you been avoiding me then?
Helen : You know what Iíve been avoiding.
Nikki : Why don't you tell me?
Helen : Oh for goodness sake Nikki! All Iíve been trying to do is to
help you do yourself some good because I don't want you to waste your
potential. (significant pause) You had no right taking advantage of me.
Nikki : Well put me down the block then, go on. (stands up and walks
behind Helen's desk) Rule 47 subsection 16, being disrespectful to the
Wing Governor (bends over Helen's desk) by kissing her. Or do you expect
me to apologise? (picks up envelope and storms off to the door).
Helen : Nikki, stop. (walks over to the door) Honestly, Iím telling you,
if you carry on like this one of us is going to have to leave Larkhall, I
...Nikki gives Helen a hard stare and then leaves the office.
Well, it looks like Yvonne Atkins has G-Wing well and truly sewn up, even
Bodybag seems to have met her match, firstly when she has a go at Yvonne
for giving out her cigarettes and secondly when she tries to stop Crystal
'Kumbyah'ing. Both times, Yvonne steps in and makes her look like a fool
in front of the inmates...Bodybag blusters off like a wounded rhino and
tries to save face by shouting at the other inmates on her way back to the
officerís room where she starts bellyaching to Dominic about Yvonne...
Bodybag : Where she was on remand, did you know this, 22 pairs of shoes
they found in her cell!
...Helen arrives unannounced and sticks her oar in...
Helen : 22 pairs of shoes and a shelf load of Chanel according to her
...Helen asks Bodybag to bring Yvonne along to her office later that day
and lets it drop that she's still got to assign Yvonne a personal
officer...poor Bodybag, it's so obvious that she's going to be nominated.
Meanwhile, Yvonne comes across the Julies who are doing a dance routine
with their mops and sounds them out about 'The Larkhall Gospel Tabernacle
Choir', not because she's particularly religious but because she thinks
that if they make enough of a racket, the screws will be forced to sign
the petition about the return of open visits, the Julies are impressed...
Julie J : Clever, ain't she Jue?
...and that coming from a pair of women who make Sam Dingle look like
Monica returns from the bathroom to find Nikki mooning about outside her
cell, Monica twigs that something is the matter and asks Nikki what's
wrong. Nikki says that she's jealous of Monica because at least she knows
that she's going to be let out if her appeal goes to plan, Monica suggests
that Nikki should try for an appeal...
Nikki : A lesbian cop-killer? Very tabloid friendly!
...Nikki disappears into her cell in the style of Kevin the teenager
disappearing off to his bedroom in a strop.
A meeting between Yvonne and Helen follows which is an absolute treat to
watch because you can just see them sizing each other up. Anyway, Yvonne
learns pretty early that Helen's not the type to let her have her own way
and allocates Bodybag as her personal officer...you get the impression
that Yvonne is quite impressed. Anyway, the conversation turns to private
property as allowed by the inmates handbook...
Helen : Well as long as you understand that there are no exceptions
Yvonne : Well I kinda gathered that by the 3 exclamation marks you got put
...Sean rings then, Helen tries to get rid of him but the selfish twat
obviously thinks he is more important than her job. Helen tells Yvonne to
wait outside for an officer to take her back to the wing. An argument
ensues between Helen and Sean while Yvonne earwigs in the corridor...
Dominic : What are you doing here?
Yvonne : Me sir? I'm listening to the row the wing governor is having with
her boyfriend. Are you going to tell on me sir?
...Dominic orders Yvonne back onto the wing but lingers slightly outside
Helen's office, obviously over the moon because it sounds like Helen's
having problems with her love life....Gawd! If he only knew the half of
Yvonne is causing trouble at the tuck shop...
Bodybag : £2.50 what do you want?
Yvonne : I'll have a bottle of bolly and a 10 inch vibrator please miss.
...Monica is next in the queue...
Monica : I'll have £12.00 worth of phone cards and a packet of extra
strong mints please.
...strange, I thought she was planning on topping herself, how's she going
to get through twelve quid's worth of phone cards???
Down in the chapel, 12 guitars arrive courtesy of Yvonne for the 'Larkhall
Gospel Tabernacle Choir', why do we get the strange impression that
Bodybag is a bit upset??...
Bodybag : Atkins! Over my dead body!
...Looks like Bodybag's going to have to make a hasty phone call to the
funeral directors then because she is next seen handing out the guitars to
the choir members...hmmmm, maybe Monica's got some pills she can borrow.
Talking of Monica, she's hiding her phone cards in a towel for some reason
before heading off for a shower...in the queue for the bathroom, the
reason becomes clear when she hands her towel over in exchange for a towel
that contains 4 miniature bottle of 'Smirnoff'...to wash the pills down
Down at the first practise, the Julie's are protesting at Yvonne's choice
Julie S : 'Kumbyah?'
Yvonne : Well everyone will know that won't they?
Julie S : Yeah, well we wanted to learn something from...
Both Julies : ...Easy Rider! Then we could play it to biker boy!
(All look over at Dominic)
Julie S : Coz it's your birthday tommorrow, ain't it sir?
Dominic : How do you know that?
Julie S : We know everything about you, sexpot.
Julie J : Yeah, sexy.
(Both turn back to Yvonne)
Julie S : Typical Cancer see, hard shell...
Julie J : ...soft inside.
Yvonne : Why do you call him biker boy?
Julie S : Haven't you seen him in his leathers? I mean, easy ride or what
Julie J : Ooooh, easy.
...Shell comes across Denny putting chairs out for the choir practice and
takes great offence to Yvonne nicking her chief henchwoman...
Shell : She's too busy for this bollocks!
Yvonne : Bloody 'ell, the kid can talk for herself can't she?
Shell : Tell 'er, Denny me darlin'.
Denny : Leave it out Shell.
Shell : You wanna be scared of me Atkins!
Yvonne : I don't do scared.
...Shell disappears for a private word with Fenner only for the bastard to
turn round and tell her to get lost, Fenner, understandably has had enough
of Shell and her schemes, Shell won't be put off though...
Shell : Well listen to me, Mr Fenner, I fixed Lorna Rose and I can fix
...Fenner reaches out to turn Shell's radio up and Shell's ecstatic,
obviously thinking that she's going to get the seeing to she
deserves...she does, but not quite in the way she expects...Fenner cracks
her head against the wall and then walks out of Shell's cell.
Nikki goes to speak to Monica and notices that Monica has packed up
everything in her cell, initially, Nikki thinks it's because she's due in
court the next day but then notices that Monica has packed her suit and
twigs that all is not what it should be...
Monica : You're too late Nikki.
...Monica falls unconscious and Nikki runs off to get the Julies, the
three of them try their best to revive Monica, Nikki, as always, is very
Nikki : Listen you selfish bitch! You're going to drink this water and
then you're going to start walking!
Down on the Wing, the choir are tuning their guitars will Bodybag looks
on, stony faced...
Yvonne : Look at old Bodybag over there, got a face like a busted
...Crystal is doing the rounds to make sure that everyone is playing the
Crystal : What chord do you think that is then?
Zandra : (shrugs) Chord Z?
Crystal : There ain't no chord Z.
Zandra : Sounds like there are loads to me.
...Zandra has definitely got a point, especially when Crystal leads the
choir in a rendition of 'Kumbyah' that is so awful it threatens to strip
the paint from the walls.
All the noise does have some benefits though, no one can hear what's going
on in Monica's cell as Nikki and the Julies force feed her cold coffee in
an attempt to make her puke.
Down on Basic, Shell is heard instructing Dawn...
Shell : You know what to do.
...Dawn runs off to do her mistresses bidding...what's Shell up to now??
Anyway, Denny decides to cheer Shell up...
Denny : Wish you'd come and sing with us Shell, we're all crap.
Shell : Yeah, well tough tits, now sod off!
Back up on G3, the Julies are worried, the coffee isn't working and they
persuade Nikki that there's nothing more they can do, it's time to call
for a screw. Just as Nikki is out of the door, Monica starts to puke...
Julie S : Oh, what a fantastic sound!
Julie J : Fantastic!
...the Julies hug each other while Nikki looks on the verge of collapsing
Fenner retreats to the officers room to read his 'Anglers Times', well, we
knew he was a sad bastard, that's just reinforced it...Dawn is hovering in
the background and clears away the plastic envelope Fenner's mag has been
posted in, she pockets it, so, that's what Shell's up to, she wants Fenner
Bodybag, sick of the bloody racket, brings the choir practise to a close
but still refuses to sign the petition, well Sylv, seeing as guitars are
allowed as an 'in-cell hobby', let's just hope you remembered to bring
your earplugs with you.
Helen pops along to Monica's cell and finds the Julies and Nikki in a
worried huddle around Monica who is conscious but looks like shit. The
Julies try to explain it away as 'pre-trial nerves' but Helen obviously
Helen : Did Monica take an overdose?
Nikki : What?
Helen : I want a straight answer Nikki.
Nikki : Straight!
Helen : She could've died and you took that risk with her. I don't
understand, how could you have been so irresponsible?
Nikki : Oh Jesus!
Helen : What the hell were you thinking of?
Nikki : You!
Helen : What?
Nikki : I did it to protect you.
After enduring a solo rendition of 'Kumbayah' by Yvonne, Bodybag finally
agrees to sign the petition.
Helen arrives back home and Sean is still going on about the wedding,
honestly, what a girlie!!! Anyway, Helen tells him a complete untruth
about Nikki, saying that she dragged her into her cell and tried to kiss
her...why on earth would she tell Sean something like that??? Do you think
she might be feeling guilty or something?
The next day, Monica stops to see Nikki before leaving for her appeal,
Nikki is obviously still very shaken by what Monica tried to do and Monica
tries to apologise...
Monica : I don't know what to say.
Nikki : Well how about starting with I feel bloody ashamed of myself? Look
around you Monica, look at all of these women stuck in here, they'd give
anything to be in your shoes today. Look at the Julies, Julie J, she's
lost her 3 kids to that bastard husband, Zandra, you've seen the hell
she's been through - beaten up, dumped by her fiancť, what a great start
for a baby. Denny, she's had her whole life wasted, she'll be in and out
of here forever, and me Monica, do you know what it feels like to have to
face another 10 years of this? But we all struggle along trying to make
the best of things, and when someone like you comes along says that they'd
rather be dead than free? I'm sorry, but everyone who gets out of here
gets out for all of us.
...Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant acting by Mandana Jones, what a
Anyway, Helen arrives to take Monica off for her appeal, and when Monica
goes off for a hug from the Julies, Helen tries to talk to Nikki...
Helen : Nikki, look, don't think that I condone what you did last night
but I am grateful.
Nikki : (standing up) Oh don't bother! (does her Tracy Barlow impression
and storms off to her cell)
...Anyway, the Wing says goodbye and good luck to Monica, even Denny has a
kind word to say...
Denny : Oi posh bitch, good luck!
Shell is writing a letter, oh, it's for Mrs Fenner, so that's what she
wanted his address for...she obviously wants to swap tips on how to keep
your man happy!!
Shell goes off to fix it with Denny to get the letter posted and then goes
off for a shag with Fenner who seems to have forgiven her...yuk! Does the
woman never learn her lesson???
The screws have wheeled a telly onto the wing so that the inmates can hear
the news about Monica's appeal...the news comes on and it's official,
Monica has been cleared...before the wing can go up like a rocket, Monica
reads her statement to the waiting press...
Monica : Before I went to prison, I imagined that criminal women were
monsters or lunatics, I was wrong. Most of the women I met, and without
whom I could not have survived, are warm, intelligent, funny. Many will
have been separated from their children, some, like me will lose them
forever, many are drug addicts and need rehabilitation, many are the
victims of abusive men, they need love and support, not strip searching
and bullying. In my opinion, prison, as punishment, only makes bad
The wind erupts as Monica turns to hug Helen, as she does this, Nikki's
tearful face can be seen reflected in the TV screen.
Helen runs off for her rendezvous with Sean the wanker in the tailors
where he is buying his wedding suit...let's hope he strangles himself with
his tie!!!, anyway, Helen obviously needs to tell Sean something in
private but he doesn't want to leave the shop and is obviously hell-bent
on making a public spectacle of himself...
Sean : What is the matter? Tell me Helen!
Helen : I can't marry you. I'm really sorry.
Sean : What are you talking about?
Helen : Look, can we get out of here?
Sean : What do you mean you can't marry me? Why not?
Helen : Because I don't love you.
...Helen leaves the shop and a stunned Sean behind her...women all around
the country are cheering....she ditched the twat!! YAY!!!
Okay, so we go from Sean and Helen's embarrassment to our own as the
G-Wing girls give us a cringe-making rendition of 'I Will Survive' while
all dancing like loonies. Dominic is obviously enjoying the spectacle but
is interrupted by Fenner who tells him that something has arrived for him
at the front gate. Dominic goes off to investigate and Yvonne looks on
with a very sly grin on her face...what is she up to now?
Meanwhile, after a lightning return to her office, Helen is removing her
engagement ring...oh well love, it looked like a cheap piece of tat
Down at the gate, Dominic receives his birthday present, a brand spanking
new motorbike with an accompanying card that says 'Biker boy'...Just as
Dominic walks back inside the gate, Sean arrives in his truck and is
allowed to drive through to the gardens on the pretence of doing a job for
Helen...what is he up to???
There are more embarrassing scenes on the wing as the girls dance on the
landings in a routine led by the Julies...no, it couldn't be, could it???
Nikki, the mistress of all that is cool...joining in????? ARRRGGHHHH!!!
Anyway, luckily for Nikki's reputation, Bodybag spots Sean out in the
garden and the inmates congregate at the window to see what's happening.
Sean has decided to make a scarecrow out of his wedding suit before
splashing it with lighter fuel. Helen arrives and Sean sets light to the
suit before dropping a set of keys at Helen's feet and walking away.
Helen's humiliation is complete when the inmates start shouting...she
catches Nikki's eye and then walks away.
After lock-up, Helen leaves the prison just as the inmates start shouting
to each other...
Zandra : Hey Julies! Know any good busting up with your boyfriend
Both Julies : You kidding? You name it, we know it, we've lived it!
Yvonne : Yeah, but do you know the chords?
And just why is Nikki sitting in her cell with a very smug smile on her
...Well, bye bye girls, until next series anyway...
Top Dog of the Week
Yvonne. Let's face it, she's one cool woman and has completely gotten the
best of Bodybag and Shell so far...if she's done all this in one episode,
what will she be able to do next series???
Twatting Twat of the Week
Sean. He has to win this award at least once this series, this time he's
gone too far...phoning Helen and selfishly demanding her attention,
constantly harping on about the wedding, forcing Helen into an
embarrassing position by refusing to leave the tailors and for setting
fire to his suit in the prison garden...what a tosser!!!
Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Shell. Beaten up by Fenner, ignored by Denny, intimidated by Yvonne...what
more can I say??? The Queen of Evil has lost her crown.
Spin Doctor of the Week
Nikki, for her tear-jerking speech to Monica.
Worst Girl of the Week
Shell, for not once, but twice coming on to Fenner.
Best Line of the Week
There is only one Yvonne Atkins and only one line that completely stole
Yvonne : "I don't do scared."
...well, it totally scared the shit out of Shell!!!
Another Yvonneism worth a mention...
Yvonne : "A bottle of bolly and a 10 inch vibrator please
Worst Line of the Week
Sorry, but it has to go to Nikki this week...
Nikki : "I did it to protect you."
Warring Faction of the Week
Yvonne and Bodybag...Rumble in the Jungle Pt II!!
Sight of the Week
Cringesome singing and dancing scenes...'I Will Survive' indeed...that's
if we manage to survive seeing Nikki joining in with a Bananarama style
dance routine with the Julies.
Larkhall Miracles & Mysteries
Okay, so Nikki mentions it but I also have to make a point of it...if
Monica was so serious about committing suicide, why didn't she wait until
Shell's acquisition of Fenner's address...
How does she know that he's going to bring his 'Angling Times' into
work??? How many people do you know who bring their mail into work
with them??? Okay, so Fenner wanted to read about his maggots like the sad
twat he is, but wouldn't you think that as a prison officer, leaving his
address hanging around for anyone to see is a bit of a bad idea??
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