Season 1, Episode 10: Love Hurts
Recap by Filbertfox


The episode starts with the inmates being let out of their cells for breakfast. Dominic knocks on one particular cell door and gets no answer so is forced to walk straight in. Yvonne is lying in bed wearing cotton wool in her ears and an eye-mask, Dominic wakes her up and it's plain to see that it's lust at first sight as far as she is concerned...

Yvonne : I've been here almost a fortnight, where have you been hiding yourself?
Dominic : I've been on holiday.
Yvonne : Oh really? Anywhere nice?
Dominic : Rhyl.
Yvonne : Oooh, you certainly know how to live don't ya?
Dominic : Now come on, out now, I mean it.
Yvonne : So do I gorgeous, I mean, yes Sir.

...Dominic leaves the cell and Yvonne almost falls off her bunk in her eagerness to ogle his retreating arse.

NO NO NO!!! MONICA IS COUNTING HER PILLS AGAIN!!!!! This is getting bloody ridiculous now!!! Although she has moved them from the toothpaste tube and wrapped them in a nice pink hankie.

Down at breakfast, Zandra joins Nikki, Monica and a very sheepish looking Crystal...Zandra starts talking to Monica about her appeal...

Zandra : You'll soon be eating out in posh restaurants again won't ya?

...Julie S arrives at the table and asks Zandra to sign a petition for Miss Stewart so that they can get their open visits back. She notices Crystal and launches into an attack...

Julie S : And you? You better keep out of my way 'cause I could smack your face for what you said to that newspaper.
Crystal : Drugs is evil! I was doing God's work!
Julie S : So like God don't want mums to cuddle their own kids?
Crystal : I didn't mean that, did I?
Julie S : Well you should've stopped to think then, shouldn't ya? Stupid cow!

...Crystal, realising that she's beaten, leaves the table, Julie S jumps into her seat and asks Nikki to take the petition up to Helen, Nikki says that if Helen got the petition from her then she'd 'chuck it in the bin'...Nikki leaves the table in a sulk, Julie S is devastated.

Helen arrives in her office to find an 'Open University' letter on her desk, oooops, looks like she's going to have to share its contents with everyoneís favourite English degree student before long.

Back on the wing, Shell is being treated like a plague carrier and can't understand why everyone hates her for setting up a screw Denny suggests that maybe she targeted the wrong screw and next time maybe she should get Bodybag sacked. Talking of the rotund one, check her out in the background, exchanging cagey stares with Yvonne Atkins. Crystal decides that now might be the right time to ask Shell if she wants to join her in a rousing chorus of 'Kumbyah'...

Shell : No I don't, nutter.

...Crystal twigs that Shell has been taking her for a mug and storms off.

Yvonne seems to be making a few friends on the wing, maybe it's because of the free fags she is giving away...hmmm...won't be long before Shell starts to object I should think.

Nikki has been summoned to Helen's office by Fenner...

Helen : Now, it's about your exam, Iíll arrange for an invigilator to come in.
Nikki : Thought you were giving up in taking an interest in me miss.
Helen : Oh look...
Nikki : Why have you been avoiding me then?
Helen : You know what Iíve been avoiding.
Nikki : Why don't you tell me?
Helen : Oh for goodness sake Nikki! All Iíve been trying to do is to help you do yourself some good because I don't want you to waste your potential. (significant pause) You had no right taking advantage of me.
Nikki : Well put me down the block then, go on. (stands up and walks behind Helen's desk) Rule 47 subsection 16, being disrespectful to the Wing Governor (bends over Helen's desk) by kissing her. Or do you expect me to apologise? (picks up envelope and storms off to the door).
Helen : Nikki, stop. (walks over to the door) Honestly, Iím telling you, if you carry on like this one of us is going to have to leave Larkhall, I mean it.

...Nikki gives Helen a hard stare and then leaves the office.

Well, it looks like Yvonne Atkins has G-Wing well and truly sewn up, even Bodybag seems to have met her match, firstly when she has a go at Yvonne for giving out her cigarettes and secondly when she tries to stop Crystal 'Kumbyah'ing. Both times, Yvonne steps in and makes her look like a fool in front of the inmates...Bodybag blusters off like a wounded rhino and tries to save face by shouting at the other inmates on her way back to the officerís room where she starts bellyaching to Dominic about Yvonne...

Bodybag : Where she was on remand, did you know this, 22 pairs of shoes they found in her cell!

...Helen arrives unannounced and sticks her oar in...

Helen : 22 pairs of shoes and a shelf load of Chanel according to her file.

...Helen asks Bodybag to bring Yvonne along to her office later that day and lets it drop that she's still got to assign Yvonne a personal officer...poor Bodybag, it's so obvious that she's going to be nominated.

Meanwhile, Yvonne comes across the Julies who are doing a dance routine with their mops and sounds them out about 'The Larkhall Gospel Tabernacle Choir', not because she's particularly religious but because she thinks that if they make enough of a racket, the screws will be forced to sign the petition about the return of open visits, the Julies are impressed...

Julie J : Clever, ain't she Jue?

...and that coming from a pair of women who make Sam Dingle look like Carol Vorderman.

Monica returns from the bathroom to find Nikki mooning about outside her cell, Monica twigs that something is the matter and asks Nikki what's wrong. Nikki says that she's jealous of Monica because at least she knows that she's going to be let out if her appeal goes to plan, Monica suggests that Nikki should try for an appeal...

Nikki : A lesbian cop-killer? Very tabloid friendly!

...Nikki disappears into her cell in the style of Kevin the teenager disappearing off to his bedroom in a strop.

A meeting between Yvonne and Helen follows which is an absolute treat to watch because you can just see them sizing each other up. Anyway, Yvonne learns pretty early that Helen's not the type to let her have her own way and allocates Bodybag as her personal get the impression that Yvonne is quite impressed. Anyway, the conversation turns to private property as allowed by the inmates handbook...

Helen : Well as long as you understand that there are no exceptions allowed.
Yvonne : Well I kinda gathered that by the 3 exclamation marks you got put there.

...Sean rings then, Helen tries to get rid of him but the selfish twat obviously thinks he is more important than her job. Helen tells Yvonne to wait outside for an officer to take her back to the wing. An argument ensues between Helen and Sean while Yvonne earwigs in the corridor...

Dominic : What are you doing here?
Yvonne : Me sir? I'm listening to the row the wing governor is having with her boyfriend. Are you going to tell on me sir?

...Dominic orders Yvonne back onto the wing but lingers slightly outside Helen's office, obviously over the moon because it sounds like Helen's having problems with her love life....Gawd! If he only knew the half of it!!!

Yvonne is causing trouble at the tuck shop...

Bodybag : £2.50 what do you want?
Yvonne : I'll have a bottle of bolly and a 10 inch vibrator please miss.

...Monica is next in the queue...

Monica : I'll have £12.00 worth of phone cards and a packet of extra strong mints please.

...strange, I thought she was planning on topping herself, how's she going to get through twelve quid's worth of phone cards???

Down in the chapel, 12 guitars arrive courtesy of Yvonne for the 'Larkhall Gospel Tabernacle Choir', why do we get the strange impression that Bodybag is a bit upset??...

Bodybag : Atkins! Over my dead body!

...Looks like Bodybag's going to have to make a hasty phone call to the funeral directors then because she is next seen handing out the guitars to the choir members...hmmmm, maybe Monica's got some pills she can borrow.

Talking of Monica, she's hiding her phone cards in a towel for some reason before heading off for a the queue for the bathroom, the reason becomes clear when she hands her towel over in exchange for a towel that contains 4 miniature bottle of 'Smirnoff' wash the pills down with, obviously.

Down at the first practise, the Julie's are protesting at Yvonne's choice of song...

Julie S : 'Kumbyah?'
Yvonne : Well everyone will know that won't they?
Julie S : Yeah, well we wanted to learn something from...
Both Julies : ...Easy Rider! Then we could play it to biker boy!
(All look over at Dominic)
Julie S : Coz it's your birthday tommorrow, ain't it sir?
Dominic : How do you know that?
Julie S : We know everything about you, sexpot.
Julie J : Yeah, sexy.
(Both turn back to Yvonne)
Julie S : Typical Cancer see, hard shell...
Julie J : ...soft inside.
Yvonne : Why do you call him biker boy?
Julie S : Haven't you seen him in his leathers? I mean, easy ride or what Jue?
Julie J : Ooooh, easy.

...Shell comes across Denny putting chairs out for the choir practice and takes great offence to Yvonne nicking her chief henchwoman...

Shell : She's too busy for this bollocks!
Yvonne : Bloody 'ell, the kid can talk for herself can't she?
Shell : Tell 'er, Denny me darlin'.
Denny : Leave it out Shell.
Shell : You wanna be scared of me Atkins!
Yvonne : I don't do scared.

...Shell disappears for a private word with Fenner only for the bastard to turn round and tell her to get lost, Fenner, understandably has had enough of Shell and her schemes, Shell won't be put off though...

Shell : Well listen to me, Mr Fenner, I fixed Lorna Rose and I can fix you n'all!

...Fenner reaches out to turn Shell's radio up and Shell's ecstatic, obviously thinking that she's going to get the seeing to she deserves...she does, but not quite in the way she expects...Fenner cracks her head against the wall and then walks out of Shell's cell.

Nikki goes to speak to Monica and notices that Monica has packed up everything in her cell, initially, Nikki thinks it's because she's due in court the next day but then notices that Monica has packed her suit and twigs that all is not what it should be...

Monica : You're too late Nikki.

...Monica falls unconscious and Nikki runs off to get the Julies, the three of them try their best to revive Monica, Nikki, as always, is very sympathetic...

Nikki : Listen you selfish bitch! You're going to drink this water and then you're going to start walking!

Down on the Wing, the choir are tuning their guitars will Bodybag looks on, stony faced...

Yvonne : Look at old Bodybag over there, got a face like a busted arsehole!

...Crystal is doing the rounds to make sure that everyone is playing the right chord...

Crystal : What chord do you think that is then?
Zandra : (shrugs) Chord Z?
Crystal : There ain't no chord Z.
Zandra : Sounds like there are loads to me.

...Zandra has definitely got a point, especially when Crystal leads the choir in a rendition of 'Kumbyah' that is so awful it threatens to strip the paint from the walls.

All the noise does have some benefits though, no one can hear what's going on in Monica's cell as Nikki and the Julies force feed her cold coffee in an attempt to make her puke.

Down on Basic, Shell is heard instructing Dawn...

Shell : You know what to do.

...Dawn runs off to do her mistresses bidding...what's Shell up to now?? Anyway, Denny decides to cheer Shell up...

Denny : Wish you'd come and sing with us Shell, we're all crap.
Shell : Yeah, well tough tits, now sod off!

Back up on G3, the Julies are worried, the coffee isn't working and they persuade Nikki that there's nothing more they can do, it's time to call for a screw. Just as Nikki is out of the door, Monica starts to puke...

Julie S : Oh, what a fantastic sound!
Julie J : Fantastic!

...the Julies hug each other while Nikki looks on the verge of collapsing with relief.

Fenner retreats to the officers room to read his 'Anglers Times', well, we knew he was a sad bastard, that's just reinforced it...Dawn is hovering in the background and clears away the plastic envelope Fenner's mag has been posted in, she pockets it, so, that's what Shell's up to, she wants Fenner address.

Bodybag, sick of the bloody racket, brings the choir practise to a close but still refuses to sign the petition, well Sylv, seeing as guitars are allowed as an 'in-cell hobby', let's just hope you remembered to bring your earplugs with you.

Helen pops along to Monica's cell and finds the Julies and Nikki in a worried huddle around Monica who is conscious but looks like shit. The Julies try to explain it away as 'pre-trial nerves' but Helen obviously knows

Helen : Did Monica take an overdose?
Nikki : What?
Helen : I want a straight answer Nikki.
Nikki : Straight!
Helen : She could've died and you took that risk with her. I don't understand, how could you have been so irresponsible?
Nikki : Oh Jesus!
Helen : What the hell were you thinking of?
Nikki : You!
Helen : What?
Nikki : I did it to protect you.

After enduring a solo rendition of 'Kumbayah' by Yvonne, Bodybag finally agrees to sign the petition.

Helen arrives back home and Sean is still going on about the wedding, honestly, what a girlie!!! Anyway, Helen tells him a complete untruth about Nikki, saying that she dragged her into her cell and tried to kiss her...why on earth would she tell Sean something like that??? Do you think she might be feeling guilty or something?

The next day, Monica stops to see Nikki before leaving for her appeal, Nikki is obviously still very shaken by what Monica tried to do and Monica tries to apologise...

Monica : I don't know what to say.
Nikki : Well how about starting with I feel bloody ashamed of myself? Look around you Monica, look at all of these women stuck in here, they'd give anything to be in your shoes today. Look at the Julies, Julie J, she's lost her 3 kids to that bastard husband, Zandra, you've seen the hell she's been through - beaten up, dumped by her fiancť, what a great start for a baby. Denny, she's had her whole life wasted, she'll be in and out of here forever, and me Monica, do you know what it feels like to have to face another 10 years of this? But we all struggle along trying to make the best of things, and when someone like you comes along says that they'd rather be dead than free? I'm sorry, but everyone who gets out of here gets out for all of us.

...Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant acting by Mandana Jones, what a woman!!!!

Anyway, Helen arrives to take Monica off for her appeal, and when Monica goes off for a hug from the Julies, Helen tries to talk to Nikki...

Helen : Nikki, look, don't think that I condone what you did last night but I am grateful.
Nikki : (standing up) Oh don't bother! (does her Tracy Barlow impression and storms off to her cell)

...Anyway, the Wing says goodbye and good luck to Monica, even Denny has a kind word to say...

Denny : Oi posh bitch, good luck!

Shell is writing a letter, oh, it's for Mrs Fenner, so that's what she wanted his address for...she obviously wants to swap tips on how to keep your man happy!!

Shell goes off to fix it with Denny to get the letter posted and then goes off for a shag with Fenner who seems to have forgiven her...yuk! Does the woman never learn her lesson???

The screws have wheeled a telly onto the wing so that the inmates can hear the news about Monica's appeal...the news comes on and it's official, Monica has been cleared...before the wing can go up like a rocket, Monica reads her statement to the waiting press...

Monica : Before I went to prison, I imagined that criminal women were monsters or lunatics, I was wrong. Most of the women I met, and without whom I could not have survived, are warm, intelligent, funny. Many will have been separated from their children, some, like me will lose them forever, many are drug addicts and need rehabilitation, many are the victims of abusive men, they need love and support, not strip searching and bullying. In my opinion, prison, as punishment, only makes bad situations worse.

The wind erupts as Monica turns to hug Helen, as she does this, Nikki's tearful face can be seen reflected in the TV screen.

Helen runs off for her rendezvous with Sean the wanker in the tailors where he is buying his wedding suit...let's hope he strangles himself with his tie!!!, anyway, Helen obviously needs to tell Sean something in private but he doesn't want to leave the shop and is obviously hell-bent on making a public spectacle of himself...

Sean : What is the matter? Tell me Helen!
Helen : I can't marry you. I'm really sorry.
Sean : What are you talking about?
Helen : Look, can we get out of here?
Sean : What do you mean you can't marry me? Why not?
Helen : Because I don't love you.

...Helen leaves the shop and a stunned Sean behind her...women all around the country are cheering....she ditched the twat!! YAY!!!

Okay, so we go from Sean and Helen's embarrassment to our own as the G-Wing girls give us a cringe-making rendition of 'I Will Survive' while all dancing like loonies. Dominic is obviously enjoying the spectacle but is interrupted by Fenner who tells him that something has arrived for him at the front gate. Dominic goes off to investigate and Yvonne looks on with a very sly grin on her face...what is she up to now?

Meanwhile, after a lightning return to her office, Helen is removing her engagement ring...oh well love, it looked like a cheap piece of tat anyway!!

Down at the gate, Dominic receives his birthday present, a brand spanking new motorbike with an accompanying card that says 'Biker boy'...Just as Dominic walks back inside the gate, Sean arrives in his truck and is allowed to drive through to the gardens on the pretence of doing a job for Helen...what is he up to???

There are more embarrassing scenes on the wing as the girls dance on the landings in a routine led by the, it couldn't be, could it??? Nikki, the mistress of all that is cool...joining in????? ARRRGGHHHH!!!

Anyway, luckily for Nikki's reputation, Bodybag spots Sean out in the garden and the inmates congregate at the window to see what's happening.

Sean has decided to make a scarecrow out of his wedding suit before splashing it with lighter fuel. Helen arrives and Sean sets light to the suit before dropping a set of keys at Helen's feet and walking away. Helen's humiliation is complete when the inmates start shouting...she catches Nikki's eye and then walks away.

After lock-up, Helen leaves the prison just as the inmates start shouting to each other...

Zandra : Hey Julies! Know any good busting up with your boyfriend songs?
Both Julies : You kidding? You name it, we know it, we've lived it!
Yvonne : Yeah, but do you know the chords?

And just why is Nikki sitting in her cell with a very smug smile on her face??

...Well, bye bye girls, until next series anyway...


Top Dog of the Week
Yvonne. Let's face it, she's one cool woman and has completely gotten the best of Bodybag and Shell so far...if she's done all this in one episode, what will she be able to do next series???

Twatting Twat of the Week
Sean. He has to win this award at least once this series, this time he's gone too far...phoning Helen and selfishly demanding her attention, constantly harping on about the wedding, forcing Helen into an embarrassing position by refusing to leave the tailors and for setting fire to his suit in the prison garden...what a tosser!!!

Weedy Pigeon of the Week
Shell. Beaten up by Fenner, ignored by Denny, intimidated by Yvonne...what more can I say??? The Queen of Evil has lost her crown.

Spin Doctor of the Week
Nikki, for her tear-jerking speech to Monica.

Worst Girl of the Week
Shell, for not once, but twice coming on to Fenner.

Best Line of the Week
There is only one Yvonne Atkins and only one line that completely stole the show...

Yvonne : "I don't do scared."

...well, it totally scared the shit out of Shell!!!

Another Yvonneism worth a mention...

Yvonne : "A bottle of bolly and a 10 inch vibrator please miss."

Worst Line of the Week
Sorry, but it has to go to Nikki this week...

Nikki : "I did it to protect you."

Warring Faction of the Week
Yvonne and Bodybag...Rumble in the Jungle Pt II!!

Sight of the Week
Cringesome singing and dancing scenes...'I Will Survive' indeed...that's if we manage to survive seeing Nikki joining in with a Bananarama style dance routine with the Julies.

Larkhall Miracles & Mysteries
Okay, so Nikki mentions it but I also have to make a point of it...if Monica was so serious about committing suicide, why didn't she wait until after lock-up???

Shell's acquisition of Fenner's address...

How does she know that he's going to bring his 'Angling Times' into work???  How many people do you know who bring their mail into work with them??? Okay, so Fenner wanted to read about his maggots like the sad twat he is, but wouldn't you think that as a prison officer, leaving his address hanging around for anyone to see is a bit of a bad idea??

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